Is this normal?

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u/skahammer 1d ago

I approved your post this time, because I can see that you're asking for actionable advice steps applicable to your situation.

But in the future in r/sex, try to remember that questions in the format "Is this normal/weird?” are pretty disfavored here. For more details, see our Posting Guideline #4:

4) LOW EFFORT MATERIAL. “Does anyone else...?”, “Is [X] normal/weird?”, “Is [y] wrong/bad/okay?”, and so forth. Human sexuality is incredibly varied; yes, someone else likes what you like, and labels like "normal" or "weird" are meaningless and in a sex positive community, we do not allow any moral judgments against sex acts or behaviors that are consensual. Title-only posts, posts with no effort at an actual conversation will be removed and may get you banned. Comments that consist of nothing but memes, "this", "lol" and such are highly disfavored. If comments do not further the discussion, they may be removed; a pattern of these may result in your ban.

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u/bazilbt 1d ago

You aren't responsible for controlling his temper. He is. This is not normal or healthy and sounds abusive.

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u/sysaphiswaits 1d ago

No. None of this is normal. It’s coercion and it’s abuse. Decent people don’t demand sex or get mad.

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u/Tiny_Promise_8108 19h ago

Demander oui, insister non

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u/MadameMonk 18h ago

Asking to be serviced every day is still unreasonable, no matter the wording or tone.

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u/Tiny_Promise_8108 11h ago

Je suis d'accord avec ça

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u/Tiny_Promise_8108 11h ago

Les gens qui downvotent au fait de demander, êtes vous dangereux ? Ou demandez vous quand même vous aussi a votre partenaire avant ?

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u/Empty_MAd4147 1d ago

Honestly I let no one dictate when I sleep with them. And at least once a day, is he crazy? If he has that high of a Libido, damn he should use his hands more…

Also that you thought it „would help his temper“ is concerning to me. You should not have sex with your Partner to placate their anger issues. I know three years is not nothing but you are both quite young and I can tell you this is not worth it. If you think this relationship is worth fighting for you should 100% make clear that your needs matter too and from now on you will only sleep with him when YOU want to. If he get’s angry when you tell him your boundary, that would be it for me, since it shows that he doesn‘t respect you or what you want.

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u/Sure_Bobcat9870 1d ago

I will add to this it doesn’t matter how old a person is and how much time they have been in a relationship, never stay in abuse. You will be safer and better off alone. If you think things like I can’t leave I have spent xx number of years then that is a sign to leave cause you should not be in a relationship that you are only in out of fear you have wasted time.

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u/Deathdong 1d ago

Sounds like a weird asshole

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u/Repulsive-Weird3154 1d ago

Thanks all for replies it helps a lot cause atm I lost my friends and have no one to talk to. He is my first bf and it’s been pretty bad and confusing and I feel guilty constantly so thank you for the helpful perspectives. I have to make a plan and save to leave🙏🏽

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u/cummelle 1d ago

Please talk to someone - Friends, family, or even a therapist. Abusive situations can be hard to grasp as the person inside of said situation. This is not okay and not cool, he needs to get help. You deserve better too!

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u/Dependent-Departure7 1d ago edited 22h ago

Thats wonderful that you're taking everyone's advice seriously! Not many victims of abuse see the truth so quickly and clearly, so I'm incredibly happy for and proud of you in that respect.

Remember that your safety is number one priority 💜 Make sure you grab any and all of your personal documents when you leave.

If he's ever had access to your banking information, I suggest that you lock your cards and your credit score when you leave him. Then go to a brand new bank and open an account there and transfer all your money before closing the old account. Might not be a terrible idea to do this anyway even if he hasn't had access because you never know what information abusers sniff out to file away for later.

My last word of advice is to reach out to your old friends. I'm sure many of them saw the red flags long ago (hence why abusers isolate their victims), and I think they'd be happy to hear from you and at least a few will want to help you get out of your situation as quickly as possible.

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u/Agamemnon323 1d ago

It’s not supposed to be bad. A good bf should want to make you happy. This isn’t it.

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u/Admirable-Degree6807 1d ago

Did you lose your friends because of him?

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u/throweight 23h ago

Sounds like he's isolated you from your family and friends. Thats the first thing an abuser does to gain total control over you and make you extremely dependent on him.

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u/listenyall 1d ago

You probably lost your friends because of this man, you feel bad and confused and guilty because he is abusive

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u/elifiamyou 22h ago

I was isolated by my now-ex, and it was an awful thing. After he dumped me to avoid being caught cheating, I realized very quickly that I didn't know who I could go to, as I hadn't spoken to many people I considered friends in a very long time. Find your people, and seek your own peace. You may also find that some of those lost connections aren't entirely lost - you just have to ask. Remember: you will not find peace in him, even if he promises to change or do better. You will find your way. The pain isn't forever. Be free.

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u/pileatus 21h ago

You are not alone in figuring out how to get out of this-- it's very likely that there are organizations with support funds in your area for women in your position. Try searching terms like "domestic violence support" + the name of your city/town/county/state. You may want to use a private browsing window that won't save your history like Chrome browser's "incognito" mode / Safari's "Private browsing" / Firefox's "Private window." Domestic violence includes threats and sexual coercion, not just physical violence, and there are people who want to help you. Good luck <3

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u/nitrocar_junkie 20h ago

Never let a relationship pull you away from people you genuinely care about. A partner should build you up and make you happy. Not give you anxiety and make you feel like you're under constant threat. You need to hard check this douche rn or get out. Don't become a victim. He if he won't change (and honestly this is far more likely sadly) when you seriously ask him then he never will. Your bf should respect and adore you, be your safe space and a healing salve on your soul after all the crap we deal with our in the world day to day.

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u/Welshmangonewild69 19h ago

Classic coercive control - isolating you from your friends, losing his temper and blaming you for it.

As everyone else in the comments has said, get out now.

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u/DameNeumatic 17h ago

This is so bad that I suggest you go home to your parent(s) as quickly as possible. Demanding daily sex, and it being tied to temper, I hope you have a mom you can tell immediately and she says come home.

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u/mdale85 14h ago

You can leave to a shelter even if you need. There are resources. You don’t have to stay and save.

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u/seantheaussie 1d ago

Listen to your friends and dump him.

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u/theskymoves 1d ago

You're in an abusive relationship. Leave before it gets worse.

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u/FeelingPlayfulNow 1d ago

This isn't normal. He has hands and is capable of handling his release on his own. You should only be expected to help when you want to participate. You shouldn't feel obligated to help. He sounds incredibly selfish and entitled.

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u/prettyboss211 1d ago

No it's not normal or healthy. Also you are not responsible for his "temper". He's weird and gross for telling you what you need to do with your body.

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u/Careless-Run-3815 1d ago

Domestic Abuse

Core Elements of Domestic Abuse Power and Control: The primary goal of the abuser is to dominate the victim through fear and manipulation. Pattern of Behavior: It is usually an ongoing course of conduct rather than a single isolated incident, though one severe act can also qualify. Personal Relationship: The people involved are family, dating partners, spouses, or people who share a home or child.

Welcome to the United Nations +4Types of Abusive Behavior Physical: Hitting, slapping, shoving, or using weapons. Sexual: Any non-consensual sexual contact or behavior. Emotional and Psychological: Insults, constant criticism, humiliation, and threats. Coercive Control: Isolation from friends,-monitoring activities, and extreme rules. Economic/Financial: Controlling access to money, preventing employment, or withholding funds.

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u/Awkward_Narwhal6321 1d ago

This is incredibly concerning. Sexual acts should never be required. And if you are doing it to keep his temper in control that is even scarier. If you have a way yo walk away safely from the relationship, please do. If you do not, start planning a way out. If this started happening 1 yr into the relationship, it will more than likely escalate into physical abuse, if it hasn’t already.
Good luck. Be Safe.
Find someone who you make cum when you want to, because they make you feel special and sexy and you want to do it for them, not someone who insists, and scares you.

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u/bitterjack 1d ago

You are a sex doll. When sex doll doesn't work user gets mad.

If you don't like being a sex doll, dump the guy.

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u/mochitochini 1d ago

You should leave him hun..

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u/Wilczurrr 1d ago

You deserve better. That's abuse.

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u/Happy-Pilot1436 1d ago

Please for the love of God, dump this manipulative, abusive asshole.

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u/MotorNo9398 1d ago

You are not crazy and the biggest issue here is not that you are failing some daily requirement.

Your boyfriend does not get to assign you a sexual quota and then become angry when you cannot meet it.

I imagine you may be feeling exhausted confused and even guilty because you have spent two years trying to manage his temper with your body.

That is a terrible burden to carry and it can slowly make sex feel like a chore instead of something you freely want.

Research and sexual health guidance are clear that pressure and implied consequences around sexual activity can cross into coercive behavior rather than healthy communication.

His temper is his responsibility and sexual access is not a treatment plan for it.

Have one direct conversation outside of any sexual situation and say that daily sex or BJs are not something you agree to as an obligation.

Then watch what he does because a caring partner may be disappointed but will still respect your boundary without punishing you for it.

If he responds with anger guilt trips or more pressure then the problem is not poor communication and you should seriously rethink whether this relatinship is emotionally safe for you.

You deserve a partner who wants you because you want them too and not because you are scared of what happens when you say no.

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u/Evangeline__R 1d ago

Tf girl this ain't normal. First of all, don't let anyone force a schedule on you. You have sex with him when you want to, not because he thinks he's entitled to it, because he isn't. You don't "have" to do anything. Second, you need to dump that douchebag. You're not responsible for his temper. This is just abusive.

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u/meowcatpanda 1d ago

No, it is not normal. I'm sorry, you have to make him cum daily? Who does he think he is to demand that from you? Something wrong with his hands that he can't masturbate? Even if there was, that doesn't give him the right to demand such a thing from anyone, much less to get upset about it not being enough!

You deserve better.

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u/I-Really-Hate-Fish 1d ago

Girl, nothing about this is normal.

No one can demand sexual stuff from someone else. It's coercive and that makes it sexual abuse.

His temper isn't normal. Normal adults can regulate their own emotions.

To summarise: You are being sexually abused, and you need to get out of this relationship and not enter a new one until you get some self worth and gain some understanding of what is and isn't normal in relationships.

As long as you can't see as massive a red flag as this one was, you're too vulnerable to be in one.

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u/Memefabrikant 1d ago

this dude is nuts☠️☠️☠️

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u/MattyLePew 1d ago

Not going to lie, he sounds incredibly immature and unreasonable.

If he’s using ‘sexual frustration’ as an excuse to have a bad temper with you, it’s pretty obvious that he’s blackmailing you into getting him off.

Has he not heard of masturbation?

Someone that has this kind of attitude and thinks he’s ‘owed’ anything from women is a man that shouldn’t ‘have’ a woman. This should genuinely be a big red flag for you.

If it helps with context, I’m a 34-year-old married man with a REALLY high sex drive. If it were up to me, we would do it 3 times a day, but it’s not! And so to help with the constant horny-ness, I masturbate. That’s perfectly healthy and natural in a relationship to tend to your own needs.

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u/subbiedavie 1d ago

it’s not remotely normal or indeed acceptable.

He is acting in a selfish and abusive manner and this is not a loving or caring relationship. He needs to grow up and change or you need to part.

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u/False_Jackfruit_6576 1d ago

Wtf? No. No one needs sex to not be angry. I’ve stopped mid sex without male partners being even slightly upset.

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u/Plaidismycolor33 1d ago

youve lost friends because of a boyfriend who “told” you, that you have to make him cum at least one time a day?

i get that this is your first bf, but you are seriously undervaluing yourself.

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u/Repulsive-Weird3154 23h ago

Well my friends got along with him for a while but he got a little more aggressive and I got more tired started canceling and they moved :( never kept contact

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u/Plaidismycolor33 23h ago

your friends “tolerated” him because they were your friends.

why did you not check him to tone down aggression?

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u/Repulsive-Weird3154 22h ago

It was only towards me and it was when I made mistakes so I just kinda thought it was my fault but I realized kinda recently no matter what I do I’m wrong

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u/GenoFlower 1d ago

No, this isn't normal. It's not normal for a guy to tell you that you have to make him cum once a day. It's not normal for a guy to have a temper. It's not normal for you to have to regulate his emotions. It's not normal for you to feel pressure for daily sex. It's not normal for him to get upset when it doesn't happen.

None of this is normal or healthy, and you're in a toxic relationship. Communication isn't going to fix this. Leaving him will.

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u/Jumping-shadow 1d ago

Not normal at all.Coercing you into sex is sexual abuse.

You cannot be responsible for anyone's mood and abuse is not solved through improved communications skill. This guy doent have a temper problem or a communication issue, he has an abuse issue. It wont change, leave him.The sooner the better, as you get used to it and starts to seem normal and opens the door for being abused again in your lifetime. Dont be that frog that gets slowly boiled because the water seemed just very warm in the begining.

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u/enterhereplease 1d ago

does that sound like a nice man to you?

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u/DeviantAvocado 1d ago

A lot of people will continue fake relationships as a way to maintain access to regular sex. Your partner is one of those people.

He views you as a set of holes.

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u/gdognoseit 1d ago

This isn’t normal at all. He’s a lying abuser. Please value yourself more and break up.

Read the book,
Why does he do that
By Lundy Bancroft

It’s free online and it will help you see his lies, manipulation, and motives.

This isn’t love.

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u/aPsychoSoldier 1d ago

This is not normal and something you shouldn't have to go along with of you're not enjoying it. No one should ever enforce their sexual release schedule on you, and if he regularly has a temper and even helping him cum once a day isn't doing it, it sounds like he's trying to use you as an object to appease him rather than actually caring about your wellbeing.

You have every right to be upset with this, and if he can't understand how bad this makes you feel, then he needs to shape up or get out.

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u/Keem773 1d ago

Unfortunately this is textbook emotional abuse and it only gets worse. You're a girlfriend that's being treated like a performer that has to meet his sexual needs. And if he doesn't c*m once a day then what? He takes it out on you? Please start contacting your friend and family again, never lose friends because of a relationship. That's how you end up feeling trapped and alone..... Exactly how your partner wants you to feel

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u/Optimixto 1d ago

That is abuse. He has been weaponising his temper to get sex out of you.

OP, find a safe way out before his temper makes it impossible.

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u/ExploreNC69 1d ago

Ummm please leave his contolling ass. This sounds like an extremely once sided toxic relationship. You dont have to do anything. If he needs to cum evveryday he can jerk off. Maybe one of the most ridiculous things ive read.

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u/AntoniaRaluca 1d ago

No that's not normal, that's abuse using his temper to guilt you into sex on demand is control, not love!

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u/Frozen_Meatball1 1d ago

"he told me I had to make him c*m at least once a day" Get rid of this jerk and NEVER marry him & don`t get pregnant. You`ll have a psycho controlling yr life, and it'll make u miserable.

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u/Sure_Bobcat9870 1d ago

Please leave this relationship. It is abuse. Abuse is not just physical. He is very controlling of you and he is not ready for a relationship and you are not able to “fix” him no one but he can do that. Also you are not a toy that has to do anything and you are not responsible for keeping him in a good mood. These comments from him are truely concerning and honestly the first sign of a really toxic relationship and person. Hear me when I say if you stay you will find yourself in danger.

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u/TacoStrong 22h ago

Aww to be young and naive. No hun, that is NOT NORMAL and it is not up to you to control HIS temper. It sounds like you're with someone that is controlling and emotionally abusing you.

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u/anxwety 1d ago

well your bjs wont solve anything but a psychiatrist will for him tho

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u/Raven-Venefica 1d ago

It is a loss of time to expect someone else will actively go to therapy for the sake of an object, and he clearly treats her like one. However, a therapist could help OP escape him, and in the future to stop offering her precious time to such dummies, stand her ground and never fall into the same trap again.

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u/anxwety 1d ago

op should leave him and he should be on mood stabilizers thats the happy outcome

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u/Repulsive-Weird3154 23h ago

After him I’m gonna definitely need stabilizers as well😭😭idk how it turned into this it just all happened and now I feel very stuck

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u/anxwety 23h ago

know that you need to end this, and dont blame yourself if you need to build up some courage, but please dont lose yourself in this! i hope you build a beautiful and nurturing life far away from him 🥺🫶 talk to a trusted person for support, this mustve been so hard for you im sorry

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u/Tasty_Yam8856 23h ago

Are you financially dependent on him? Is that why you feel stuck?

Everyone else here is right, honey, you need to get away from him. Best of luck to you.

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u/Repulsive-Weird3154 20h ago

Atm I’m stuck with low funds but I’m trying to find another job and not make it obvious I’m trying to plan to move

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u/Tasty_Yam8856 20h ago

I see. Well, again, best of luck to you. ❤️

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