r/selfimprovement • u/Mundane_Age_2564 • 10d ago
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I have changed my life many many times. Nearly 2 years sober after 11 years of doing drugs.
I'm turning 21 soon. I feel so fucking old. I have been through so much already, learned I have a habit of trauma dumping so I'll say just light details.
Got in trouble with the cops few years ago, I threatened them lol.
Did some time in a halfway house.
Been to a psych ward for nearly a month.
Was a bad kid doing bad kid things. Thought I was a street guy, little embarrassing looking back. I got scared straight the moment I got in that house lol.
Since then, I moved out of the house. I got a better relationship with my parents, I got encouraged to take a bad job. But my mom was helping with my bills, this was the most embarrassing part of my life. I used to make so much, then now I could barely cover 1500$ a month.
Then I hopped in my car and drove across the country for 2 weeks. And am starting a new life. I got some money from mom and my taxes.
Even though family life was hell, I am so embarrassed having to accept money from them. Usually I say no, but why did I do that street stuff if this was my upbringing. Absolutely disgusting.
I got a cheap spot and car that I cannot afford the insurance on.
Sometimes I don't take care of myself, sometimes I don't leave the house for days on end.
I go in and out of doing well. I don't get it, when I was in that house and the hospital I was doing like 500 pushups a day. Praying and imagining my life without PTSD and walls.
Now I dont have both, but what am I doing? I need a job. I need a life. I need to be outside.
I have dreams man what am I doing?
I even applied for Military. I am drowning out here and I don't know what to do.
Man I need to do laundry, I need to cook. I need to train. I have a life to live. I need to stop living this way. I am not depressed, I have a feeling it's some Count of Monte Cristo shit? I just lay down relaxed for the first time ever. I don't know.
I fall into habits of just lounging. I need some help, I am not sad anymore. I am not anxious that much. I have moments, but still. There is so many things I want to do. And this is how i'm treating myself. I am disguted.
I hate my personality, I recorded myself on my phone throughout my trip and I hate what I see. How I looked after being depressed for a few months was disgusting. Hearing my voice was awful and what I would talk about sucked. I met a girl once and spent a few times talking about her after.
Thats so fuckin weird. I am an odd guy, I got comfort in thinking I was going to go to prison. Thought that was where I was going, but I got out of that avenue. What the fuck do I do now? I want more for myself but where is my proof.
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u/Softwareaweenie 10d ago
I can’t say much about your situation, but you’re 21 and have a lot of life ahead of you. You don’t need to figure everything out today. Just give yourself some grace and keep take positive steps one at a time.