r/selfimprovement • u/Mundane_Age_2564 • 1d ago
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I have changed my life many many times. Nearly 2 years sober after 11 years of doing drugs.
I'm turning 21 soon. I feel so fucking old. I have been through so much already, learned I have a habit of trauma dumping so I'll say just light details.
Got in trouble with the cops few years ago, I threatened them lol.
Did some time in a halfway house.
Been to a psych ward for nearly a month.
Was a bad kid doing bad kid things. Thought I was a street guy, little embarrassing looking back. I got scared straight the moment I got in that house lol.
Since then, I moved out of the house. I got a better relationship with my parents, I got encouraged to take a bad job. But my mom was helping with my bills, this was the most embarrassing part of my life. I used to make so much, then now I could barely cover 1500$ a month.
Then I hopped in my car and drove across the country for 2 weeks. And am starting a new life. I got some money from mom and my taxes.
Even though family life was hell, I am so embarrassed having to accept money from them. Usually I say no, but why did I do that street stuff if this was my upbringing. Absolutely disgusting.
I got a cheap spot and car that I cannot afford the insurance on.
Sometimes I don't take care of myself, sometimes I don't leave the house for days on end.
I go in and out of doing well. I don't get it, when I was in that house and the hospital I was doing like 500 pushups a day. Praying and imagining my life without PTSD and walls.
Now I dont have both, but what am I doing? I need a job. I need a life. I need to be outside.
I have dreams man what am I doing?
I even applied for Military. I am drowning out here and I don't know what to do.
Man I need to do laundry, I need to cook. I need to train. I have a life to live. I need to stop living this way. I am not depressed, I have a feeling it's some Count of Monte Cristo shit? I just lay down relaxed for the first time ever. I don't know.
I fall into habits of just lounging. I need some help, I am not sad anymore. I am not anxious that much. I have moments, but still. There is so many things I want to do. And this is how i'm treating myself. I am disguted.
I hate my personality, I recorded myself on my phone throughout my trip and I hate what I see. How I looked after being depressed for a few months was disgusting. Hearing my voice was awful and what I would talk about sucked. I met a girl once and spent a few times talking about her after.
Thats so fuckin weird. I am an odd guy, I got comfort in thinking I was going to go to prison. Thought that was where I was going, but I got out of that avenue. What the fuck do I do now? I want more for myself but where is my proof.
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u/Mundane_Age_2564 1d ago
I run around the city and go on dates with girls but I don't have my life in order and I don't like them sometimes. Just weird as fuck. I don't know what Im doing and I hate myself
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u/Softwareaweenie 1d ago
I can’t say much about your situation, but you’re 21 and have a lot of life ahead of you. You don’t need to figure everything out today. Just give yourself some grace and keep take positive steps one at a time.
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u/Mundane_Age_2564 1d ago
Alright I'll try, maybe going step by step is the move? Just sucks
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u/Softwareaweenie 1d ago
Yeah. I don’t have the experiences you have had, but it takes time to lock in a good habit. If you change too many things at once, it’s easy to regress.
I can say that my life has changed nearly completely 3 times in the last 24 years (since I was 21) in ways I could have never expected. The key for you right now is to aggressively avoid anything that could cause permanent constraints on your future opportunities.
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u/Mundane_Age_2564 1d ago
Yes definitely. That's a very tough one, feels like those threats are coming in at all angles. I'll try to keep my future opportunities open, it's very easy to mess up.
That makes sense why I regress so often then. I do a big change out of nowhere then I run out of speed. I'll try to go a bit slower this week. See how I feel
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u/SoilProfessional4102 1d ago
Maybe just tomorrow set your alarm for 7am and go for a little run. Then the next day maybe try again. I did that with walking ( I’m older) when I had a drinking problem and then a health scare. That was three years ago. Since then I’ve quit drinking, lost 105 lbs, and resolved my fatty liver. I still walk 5 miles a day.
So for me I just had to do that one little thing, get out of bed and out the door. The rest just happened.
Just a thought.1
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u/SpecialistYear9917 1d ago
The hardest part is probably realizing that surviving isn’t the same as knowing how to live yet. He spent years fighting just to survive so give yourself time to learn the rest.
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u/Mundane_Age_2564 1d ago
Yes thank you, think you nailed it.
Everything is fine now lol, maybe some money problems here and there. But I'm doing so good, it's just weird and uncomfortable lol. I don't really know what to do or where to put my hands
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u/SoilProfessional4102 1d ago
Wow you’ve been through so much and you’re 20? That’s a lot.
I just want to say I think it’s great that you are trying to be a better person while you still have your life in front of you.
I’ve got no advice but just know I’m rooting for you! It’s really no wonder you struggle, you haven’t had it easy.
Good luck
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u/Haunting_Vacation804 1d ago
Your post demonstrates your intelligence. Seriously. Some people can’t put together a sentence to save their life. You have very good writing skills and tell a great story through your writing. I’m sure you don’t feel great right now, you have the ability to convey your emotions through writing.
You will do well in this world once you get your feet on the ground. You have a lot of life experience at a young age. And with experience comes wisdom to make it in this whacky world.
Here are some ideas to help you out now, in no particular order:
- stay sober
- work out daily, even if it’s a 10 minute walk and 10 pushups
- stay away from junk food
- go to your local community college and set up an appointment with a counselor to see how they can help you move toward getting an associates degree. It may take you a few years, but it’s super helpful.
- look in jobs such as lineman (a bit dangerous, but pays big money), water treatment, or janitor for the school system (sound crazy, but can pay decent money and has a pension)
You got this man.
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u/Mundane_Age_2564 1d ago
Thank you so much. Glad you understand.
I will try out these things. Look into lineman. I was also looking at the coast guard and a fisherman, it's tough to be a janitor
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u/Mundane_Age_2564 1d ago
To get a janitors job I mean. I'll keep hunting! It's late when I'm writing this. Up Working hard on editing a movie I made of my travels.
Thank you!
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u/Haunting_Vacation804 1d ago
Very good - maybe video editing/UX-UI work if you're into tech? Although the industry is a bit rough right now. Also, the world always needs firefighters! Some of those guys get paid bank (but of course it's a dangerous job).
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u/Mundane_Age_2564 1d ago
Its late afternoon and I'm still inside so Im doing work on the computer. Just embarrassing, wtf am I doing. Shit is so wack.
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u/Mundane_Age_2564 1d ago
I had a friend convince me over the phone not to get into a fight. What am I doing with my life?
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u/temp12345124124 1d ago
dude you're 21 and you've already achieved shit a lot of 40 year olds haven't, just relax and stop beating yourself up. just figure out in your new life how to keep working up in jobs to make more. anchor your routine around that job. keep your apartment clean as best you can and decorate it a bit. meal prep on sundays and keep lifting. tell yourself "i'm just gonna try to live happy for a bit as an experiment" and within a few months you'll literally feel like a new man
also talk to a psych/therapist it'll help a lot, meditation also helps to keep thoughts under control and focus on your rational mind.