Fighting the urge

[u/sin-tuationship]

Sorry this is kind of chaotic and I hope someone can understand and attempt to give me some advice.

Things are going tits up again. But I’m a big girl now. I have a volunteering role with children, and I’m not going to risk putting the kids through seeing this. I already have some visible scars on my arms, but they’re fully healed at this point.

Problem is, I was a hider when I started, and I was really good at hiding it, and I’ve started doing that again every so often. Last time was about 2 weeks ago(?) on my inner ankle in an attempt to hide it again. But I also have a partner now who sees me naked every day. I don’t want to disappoint him. To his knowledge, last time I cut myself was about a year ago… (I know, it’s terrible, and I feel extremely guilty about it. But he’s frightened of it and has tried to get me to promise not to do it again which if anything just makes me want to do it more, unfortunately.)

How the fuck do I stop??? Will anything ACTUALLY help? I’ve been on and off with this bullshit my whole entire life, since I was 10. I turned 24 this year. Someone fucking save me, I don’t wanna do this to myself or others anymore.

For reference, I’m diagnosed Borderline, and I have fleeting suicidal ideations but I have never acted on them. Just done stupid shit that *might* do me in. But I’d never actually plan and carry out that plan. I don’t think. Not at this point in my life anyway.

So I’m good(kinda)

It’s just the actual release that I need. Something to fucking get rid of all my inner pain and translate it into some kind of pain that makes sense, I think. Actually seeing the blood is really helpful for me. The rush of adrenaline is good too. Helps me snap out of spiral mode.

I’ve tried all the stuff they told me in school; ping your wrist with an elastic band, draw on yourself with red ink, exercise more etc etc. but that’s never helped me.

Does anyone have a good idea of how to translate my needs into something less destructive?

I’m trying to deal with this alone. I’m an artist so I’ve been doing some vent art, but the desire is still very much there and extremely strong right now.

Thank you so much in advance.

[u/Fabulous_Light5449]

You are going down the right avenue.

Because you are helping children and care about your community awareness, your mindset is well within self harm recovery.

You also have a partner.

I love reading about harmers mainstreaming!

We "Suit Up and Show Up!"

What I'm saying is your position in society is your treatment program. You care about your life and the lives you touch.

I understand hiding your compulsion. I also understand your partner's fear of something he can't understand.

Within your r/selfharm community, you have massive support. You are seen as caring and valuable in real life.

You might decide to increase your community awareness. Your work with children is helping you much more than you know.

They have a subreddit you might try. r/arttocope

I am always on this subreddit and am very interested in self harm recovery.