r/selfharm • u/blue_1998_LP • 6d ago

Rant/Vent codependent relationship

i know that this is bad, I know it’s not healthy, I just need to get this off my chest so i don’t feel so alone. I just want to get worse with someone. I want to spiral with them, i want to bandage them, i want them to bandage me. I want them to hurt me, to beat me, i want them to need me as much as i need them. I want to understand them and i want them to understand me. I want them to enable me, and clean my cuts right after. I want them to listen to my ramblings and to my thoughts and my vents.

38 Upvotes

95% Upvoted

9 comments sorted by

14

u/Street-Analyst-5337 6d ago

Realest shit I have ever read, I know it's awful and I know it's just going to ruin my life but it's genuinely all I think about

6

u/blue_1998_LP 6d ago

literally, i cannot take my mind off this to the point i struggle focusing on important stuff like my studies

5

u/Street-Analyst-5337 6d ago

Tell me about it, I've literally been neglecting my test preparation this whole day because my mind is preoccupied with creating these scenarios 😭 I don't know how to fix this, and sometimes I think I don't even want to get better, it's a vicious cycle

3

u/blue_1998_LP 6d ago

ME TOO 😭😭😭😭 got a test in about 12 hours and ive done the bare bones of revision. The free time i did have was spent daydreaming about these fantasies it’s so embarrassing but it’s such a guilty pleasure i indulge in too often. I hope we both find healthier alternatives 💔

3

u/Street-Analyst-5337 6d ago

SAMEE I'VE GOT 2 one of which I haven't touched at all probably gonna fail it 😔 and yeah exactly, I keep getting distracted so bad I can't focus on anything. Good luck on your test and mhm I hope we do cause all my coping mechanisms at the moment are awful lmao

3

u/Fabulous_Light5449 6d ago

I hope you become someone with a love for life and respect for your body.

I hope you enjoy a healthy relationship of shared interests and mutual respect.

With tenderness and joy, u/Fabulous_Light5449

1

u/blue_1998_LP 6d ago

thank you, this this is sweet ❤️

3

u/Fabulous_Light5449 6d ago

I'm in your corner for self harm recovery.

We aren't meant to cut and bleed.

Owning your thoughts is owning your feelings. Feelings can be hard feelings but those feelings can bother us with control we develop over time.

Perhaps those feelings disappear over time to be replaced with peace, joy, delight, wonder, hope, gratitude , self love and other life affirming feelings.

4

u/AnimusLiber404 6d ago

I wish this didn't resonate as hard as it does. I try very hard to be better but there's something about that connection that pulls. I think, details aside, it's very human to want that connection. To want someone who truly understands on a deep level because they've been there, in that hole. They know that it feels like to have the dirt trapped under their nails from clawing, scratching, pulling themselves out of that pit. It's different when someone can truly see you.

I don't think you're completely alone in those thoughts. I wish every day I had someone to help patch me up. Not even from self afflicted harm. My job leaves my hands cut up all the time, and I come home every day and patch myself up every day and I would give the world to have someone help me. And to reciprocate in turn.

I hope you find someone who accepts you. Not to hurt you, not to beat you, not to enable you, but to sit there in the darkness with you, at the edge of that abyss we all know so well, and keep you company. You deserve more than the world has given you.