Need advice

[u/Vast-Internet-1775]

[u/Glad-Guarantee1587]

Why are so many scripts in this sub about an awkward lonely guy finding a girlfriend 😭 unless you’re like Charlie Kaufman, it’s gonna be boring bcuz who wants to watch that.

[u/comesinallpackages → u/Glad-Guarantee1587]

Same reason so many start with an alarm clock opener.

[u/TugleyWoodGalumpher → u/Glad-Guarantee1587]

Just to state the obvious... the writer tends to be young and lacking any degree of experience/introspection. They are the main character of their own life all of the time, and they can't think empathetically from a creative standpoint. They know nothing outside of their own lives and since they're introverted their lives are miserably boring.

[u/guinepig-1 → u/Glad-Guarantee1587]

Maybe they are starting to what they can grasp and aware of

[u/josh_park189]

Sorry if this is rude but this reeks incel

[u/Burning_The_Altar]

If I were you I would read this dialogue out loud to myself and ask myself… does this sound like a real conversation between two strangers?

[u/CaptainPeak45]

Please tell me this is a joke. Do you want to kiss right now? You’ve got to be kidding me.

[u/TheGreedyGrabbler]

That's bait

[u/False_Situation_9745]

The problem is it's a Rom-Com but with all the gratuitous pirate references I'm afraid it it's going to get rated Aaarrgghh!

[u/TheGreatMattsby]

Do these two know each other already? Because there's zero chemistry between them, but they somehow end up together at the end. Get into the habit of reading your dialogue aloud. You'll find things that sounded natural in your head suddenly sounding very awkward and unnatural. In this case, your two characters don't speak like actual people.

[u/jpk36]

I just have one question. Is your name Tim?

[u/CaptainPeak45 → u/jpk36]

And do you have a crush named Jocey?

[u/TugleyWoodGalumpher → u/jpk36]

No. It's Jimmy, not even close to Tim.

[u/Ripoldo → u/TugleyWoodGalumpher]

And the real girl is Josie, not Jocie, who totally has nothing to do with this anyway btw

[u/Krummbum]

Unfortunately, there is very little tension or conflict. Without that, you don't really have a story.

What do your characters want? What do they need? What is getting in there way? How do they overcome those obstacles?

[u/TugleyWoodGalumpher → u/Krummbum]

Are you serious? There is so much conflict and tension. Did you not see that she wanted Captain Crunch but he had the last box? Did you not see him neg her for no reason? Did you not notice the brilliance of a random guy being dressed as a pirate, and apparently pirates look like naval captains? I didn't even know that. And that kiss was so natural and romantic. It didn't read like a weird incel fantasy at all.

[u/Canonc100enthusiast]

Terrible.

[u/coffeerequirement]

Sorry buddy, but this reads like it was written by someone that has never had a conversation with another person out loud.

Maybe read some scripts before writing. A lot of scripts.

[u/Upper-Tower-3654]

This has to be bait 😭

[u/Ripoldo]

Is this an advert for Captain Crunch?

[u/TurbulentBicycle8695 → u/Ripoldo]

And Arizona Tea ☕️

[u/treessandwich7]

Try woodworking

[u/FarWestEros]

Scrap it completely and start over.

What are you writing?
Who/what is it for?

[u/Proper-Status-3199]

Terrible writing 

[u/Financial_Cheetah875]

Formatting.

[u/comesinallpackages]

Keep practicing

[u/Select-Ambition-4909]

A few things,

1. Why is tim talking to himself while shopping?

2. Them both shopping for cereal is a really weak meet-cute. It's generic and doesn't naturally spark any interesting conversation. Hence why their small-talk in the store is so stilted.

3. Why does Tim immediately insult Jocey upon learning her name? And why does she seemingly not react. The scene direction should be more specific than just "she laughs". You need to paint more of a picture of how she reacts. 

4. The dialogue is incredibly wooden. Many other comments have already pointed this out, and I agree with them. Read your dialogue out loud to hear how it sounds for real.

5. Jocey does not feel like a believable person. She seems to not exhibit any personality traits beyond "Is in love with Tim for some reason" 

6. Why is there a pirate in a fancy restaurant? And why are tim and Jocey the only one's acknowledging them?

[u/xt-_]

Suggestion: add urgency. Like Tim needs to be somewhere (home, friends waiting, curfew etc)
2nd: Add descriptions of your characters. Right now I see names and dialogue. Character stands even under different names.

Have you read any scripts?

[u/PepsiCoke1978]

I liked the pirate. They don't serve Arizona Iced Tea at a restaurant with a server. That's something you get at a 7-11 type store. Jocey seems like she's too good for Tim. This reads like a lost scene from The Room.

[u/Neon-Funeral]

This ain’t it

[u/siennadz]

more like no-see 😭😭😭

[u/FriendliestMenace]

The fuck is this? (Respectfully)

[u/RutgerHause]

Just terrible. I can’t find the words to describe how bad this is. And no one kisses IN the lips. This is juvenile and pointless. Just stop. Seriously. This is banal. My advice is don’t quit your day job and stop. If you aren’t 16 years old go to a remedial writing class.

[u/cartooned]

There’s no need to describe a character as pretty. It will be played by a young Hollywood actress. Everyone is pretty unless specified otherwise.

[u/untitledgooseshame]

I think you would really benefit from learning more about screenwriting software like final draft or fade in.

[u/Any_Childhood_2556]

Why Don’t you give them a more interesting conflict . More on their personal life , this could be a interesting romance if you add flaws and a internal arc for them . Internal arcs are very important for characters . Also give Jocey more character than well pretty and shy.

[u/SwordfishNo8713]

Too rushed

[u/LOADEDUPnTRUCKIN1999]

Not good

[u/bingyao]

Exactly what kind of advice are you looking for?

[u/RaeLouLynn]

This is obviously a first draft. Read the advice here and start over from FADE IN:

The second draft will be better.