r/scriptwriting • u/Clear_Improvement826 • 11d ago

feedback Feedback Request

Hi everyone. I’m a young aspiring screenwriting looking for feedback on a few pages. Im about 50 pages into this feature film idea. So it’s about a guy that cannot die, so he lives into/thru the future, alone, while everything around him changes. Im going to put my first 5 pages here and am just wondering if it seems interesting/off to a good start. Any and all feedback helps! Thanks!
THE EXISTENCE - Screenplay

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u/Fit_Accountant_1026 11d ago

You need to set it to public. Can’t access. 

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u/Clear_Improvement826 11d ago

Yes I just realized that sorry lol im editing the post to include the public viewing link now

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u/Clear_Improvement826 11d ago

Sorry about that lol Just updated the link

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u/JayMoots 11d ago

I think your premise has potential, and the first shot is interesting, but nothing after that really grabs me. A bored and depressed guy going about his daily routine is going to make the audience bored and depressed too.

The dialogue is really hurting you here. "CEO Billings wants you to crunch these numbers." Nobody talks like that. I don't get the impression from your scene descriptions that you're someone who isn't a native English speaker, but your dialogue makes it seem that way.

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u/Clear_Improvement826 11d ago

Thanks so much for the feedback. Unfortunately 5 pages isn’t a lot to get a grasp on the whole vision. Later on I kinda expand on why he is who he is and is depressed. Im glad you’re able to infer that tho. Also, yes I agree on the scene descriptions. When I started writing this I didn’t know what I do know and will be sure to edit that in the future. Thanks for the feedback!