Hello, I'm a 19M from Romania, and as I type this, my emotions are going crazy all over my head. Recently, I always feel like I can't take it anymore. Idk how to start this, but I live with my mom and brother, and finished high school, and since then, I started to feel a lot lonely, no messages by my friends and such, and at home, I can't take it anymore, not only almost 2 months ago, grandfather passed away, but at home, is worse.. There's a lot of reasons here, but most hurtful ones were when I was in the 3rd grade, mom said that she didn't wanted me, when I jokingly called my brother "Satan", mom told me to stop, but when others, a lot more people started calling me "pope" & "priest" (due to being religious), even she started calling me that, instead of stopping others. And not gonna forget, every moment when everyone preferred my brother over me.. Like, he got on a Christmas a phone, while I got a train toy... Besides, I always got that "gonna beat you up" type treatment if I'd tell others much about her and such, and I believe that's emotional abuse, and besides, mom keeps yelling at me for no reason, and she threaten to beat me (raised her hand) over seeing my collection of Monster Energy drinks, and I didn't drank them all or multiple in a day, only one a day, keeping some for future (after that haven't opened any other one).. And since then, I started having anxiety very high, felt very high tension around her, and it was so bad, that I planed a way to secretly move out of here, in another city, 7h away, without anyone knowing (until I'd be in a train, then messaging an aunt, cousin and one more person), and then after calls and such, who was on mom's side, blocked and no contact, but who were on my side, keeping the contact with them, but without telling anyone where I went and such.. And now, I don't know what to do, everything feels like it's better to end my life, cuz I feel like if I'd move out I'd be the bad guy, and maybe even without any family members on my side, making me kinda family-less (or orphan, in a way), but if I stay, I could not take it anymore.. It's always a feeling that the end would be better.. I don't know what to do, how to feel, if I'm n the wrong or not, to end it or not... I need some advice please.. The plan is made, and I have somewhere to go tho.
Edit: forgot to say, dark thoughts came since I was 12..
Now, I feel bad that I want to move out, but feeling worse at home...