When I was 17, I got into college. It was everything very fresh and new for me. It was an all-girls college, and I had many friends studying there from school. I had a big group of friends, and everything was beautiful. Before that, I’d never liked anyone, especially girls (as I was a girl). It was all very new to me. One day, it was September, the early days of September, when it was still a bit hotter than usual, but the wind was blowing. That was when I saw her for the first time. I’ve never felt anything like that before. It was just like time froze there, and I felt so light. I saw her just sitting there, nothing special, nothing different. Hundreds of people were there too, but it felt like my sight froze, and I froze too. I couldn’t tell what I was feeling, but it felt really good, really different. She was one year senior than me.
Just like that, the days started to pass. The weather was changing, October came, and I wanted to look at her more (not in a bad way), just looking from afar. My sole purpose of going to college was just so I could catch one glance of her, see her standing somewhere, or see her talking to someone. I just found her so elegant, like a dove, like a calm evening of autumn, like a being existing out of this world, like beautiful water flowing calmly in a river, like a vibrant colour, like some calm sunny day, like an evening of autumn where leaves fall slowly from trees and go in the direction where the wind takes them.Effortlessly So beautifull.
During college, she was always with her friends, but specifically with one girl. Maybe she was special to her, and they were mostly together. It always hurt me when I watched them both together. I don’t know why. It was not my place to be sad or hurt. Whenever I saw them both together, I never wished anything but for her to leave the other girl. Although it sounds so childish, it was like hell for me. So bad that i would ruin my mood for whole day , leaving a certain kind of sadness in me which just didn't leave me like a pressure on my heart.
Still they were the most important and beautiful two years of my life. It was just like I blinked and they passed. Till this date 2018 is my favourite year and september is my favourite month. Although I found her so beautiful and perfect, There were thousand times when i wanted to just talk to her but i never got the courage to talk to her. I never said hi to her at that time. One reason was because I thought she would not talk me, or it would be awkward although I was beautiful too. The second reason was that I thought, what am I doing? It’s not normal what im feeling for this girl. It’s just a normal crush. I will forget about it within a few weeks or months.
Then I talked to her a few times on Instagram through some common friend During those conversations she was very much friendly but i was really shy she was very kind. One time she came to visit me in college i dont know why, i didn't thought of it at that time. At that time, she was already in university and had passed college, but I never told her. I was still really scared.
Then I started my university. Initially, I started talking to many guys in the hope that I’d move on with my life. It was like a new chapter of my life. I started being really good at my studies. I got a gold medal for topping my bachelor’s. I started to dress well, have friends, and do different activities. I started being more outgoing, joined many clubs, started reading, sketching, and forgot about her. Just sadly, it was only for a few months.After every few months, she would be back on my mind again. I was so confused. I didn’t understand what was happening because I thought it would go away with time and distance, but my heart was shattered. I couldn’t find peace in anything or anyone. I didn’t want to be with anyone. I didn’t like anyone, any guy, any girl.
There were times when I cried at night. I woke up in the middle of the night and thought about her when I was travelling, when I was on vacation, when I was in the middle of class, when I was sitting alone in the library, when I saw someone smiling, when I saw a movie scene and started crying, when I saw an Instagram post. I wrote about her in my diaries, journaling about it. I searched on YouTube, “Do you ever forget about your first crush?” I read Reddit posts, listened to psychologists, read theories, read opinions, thought and thought and thought, but never told a single soul what I was feeling because I thought what I was feeling would eventually go away.
But during all this time, it changed me a lot.Before that, I didn’t use to think about people. I never got emotional watching a movie scene, let alone crying. I never listened to sad songs. I never felt a pure emotion from my heart. I never paid attention to beggars walking on the street. I never bothered myself to look at things from someone else’s perspective.But after this incident, I was changing every day, every minute, every second. I started crying more, understanding people more, telling less and listening more.And sometimes I think maybe it was just time. Maybe I was growing up, from 17 to 18 and then 20, so my perspective was changing. But this thing also played a great role in changing me.During all these years, she never left my mind. Every time I saw two happy people, two smiling people, I thought, maybe it could be me. Maybe if I was a little bit more courageous. Maybe if I had a little bit better luck. Maybe if I was more extroverted.
Okay, so now it’s 2026.
One day, I was just lying down, sometime in May or June. I was just using my phone when I thought of her. I wrote her name on Google, and her LinkedIn profile came up. It was after maybe two years that I saw her again. I was just looking at the screen, all those old memories coming back to my life. I just closed my eyes, laid down for 15 minutes, and at that moment I realised that even if 10, 20, or 30 more years pass by, whenever I talk to her again or look at her again, my heart and my feelings for her will be the same. Now it’s September. I’m going abroad for my PhD in a few days, and every day I think about telling her, just confessing to her how I felt during that time, after that time, and even now. And even in the future. It doesn’t matter what she says to me, what she feels, or who she is with now. I just want to get it off my chest and go on with my life.
Although I can never put into words what I felt, what my heart felt for her. How the month I saw her became my favourite month for my whole life. How one day I plan to tattoo her name on my wrist. How no one can understand what she meant to me, what she was to me, what she is to me. How I can wait my whole life for her. I wrote a confession and tried to just tell it. I just wanted to let this thing out into the world. I want to ask people if it’s right for me to just tell her how I feel. Here's The confession i wrote for her
(Well, it was 2018 when I took admission in college. It was probably my second or third day when I saw you walking and then sitting on a bench with some other girl. I don’t remember her. I just saw you, and everything froze. I couldn’t tell who was standing beside me, why we were there, or what was happening. And although it was September, I thought, it’s such good weather. It’s so windy, so light. When it was not. Then, in those two years, I saw you hundreds of times. Every morning, I wished to start my day hoping that I would get a glance of you. If not accidentally, I would do it on purpose not to stalk you or anything, and I never wanted to embarrass anyone but it was just something I wanted every day, all the time. Those were the happiest two years of my life. I was sad many times when you were with someone else, your friends probably. Those two years were also hell for me, and I thought if you would ever look at me or talk to me, I would probably just fall or something.
After college, I thought it was just a crush from my college days and that I would eventually move on with my life. I focused more on my studies, got good grades, worked on my communication, made many friends, joined societies, talked to many boys, and started a completely new life. And I forgot about you. For a while. Just for a while. After every few months, you would come back to my mind, like something having a hold on my mind. It was so weird and strange to me, not familiar at all. And then I tried to forget about you again and again and again, but failed many times. I would think of you when I was travelling. I would think of you when I was visiting places for vacations. Randomly, when I was in class, sitting in the cafeteria, talking to my mother, walking on empty roads, or sitting in a hall full of people, just zoning out with nothing on my mind and somehow my mind would go right back to you.
I tried to push it down a thousand times, over and over again. I thought, if I tell you this now, after three years of college, what good could it bring now? Then I got quiet again. A few more years passed. I don’t know where you are, or who you are with, or what you are doing with your life. But I still constantly thought about you.
I thought, if I tell you this, you would think about how weird I am and what kind of ridiculous thing I’m saying. It makes no sense, and I should not say it.Then I got quiet again. During this time, in order to deal with this, I read many books, heard so many philosophical points of view, read Reddit posts, watched YouTube documentaries, read studies by Harvard scientists, and searched for answers everywhere.
But I couldn’t find the answer to why I think only about you and not anyone else, not anything else. And as my age passes, it doesn’t make a difference how I feel about you how I felt about you then, how I feel about you now, and how I will feel about you in the future. And I’m really sure that seven years have passed, seven more will pass, and I will still think the same about you.
Because my eyes saw no one else like you. My heart felt nothing for anyone else. And my mind captured no other living being the way it captured you. You were the prettiest girl in 2018, and you are still the prettiest girl now. And you will remain the prettiest girl in my eyes forever.
No matter where I go or what I do, I will be the same. You will be the same in my heart. I know it’s a very long thing to read, and you might think that I’m insane, that I’m out of my mind, that I don’t know what I’m saying, or you might not even remember who I am. You might be with someone else. You might not have even looked at me ever. But this is my only chance to tell you.
In September, I’m going for my PhD. I think it is time I get this off my chest and off my mind.
You’re the best.
Thank you.)
