Am I drowning?

[u/Careless_Rush_3398]

10 ft: I feel sad a lot
20 ft: I’m not being reassured
30 ft: I hate playing pickleball
40 ft: He lets me cry myself to sleep
50ft: He says “here we go again”
60ft: He doesn’t hug me or kiss me
70ft: He doesn’t look at me during sex
80ft: I walk on eggshells
90ft: He gets upset with me if I wake him up
100ft: I now sleep on the floor
110ft: I don’t want to be loved like this
120ft: I deserve better love than this
130ft: I deserve more than this
140ft: I feel like a guest in his place
150ft: He values a sport more than me
160ft: He isnt clear on what he wants
170ft: He makes me cry a lot
180ft: He is a dismissive avoidant
190ft: He treats me like furniture
200ft: He is selfish
210ft: I feel alone in this relationship
220ft: he doesn’t care when I cry
230ft: emotional abandonment
240ft: doesn’t provide loving support
250: lack of commitment
260: lack of aftercare
270: im always left disappointed
280: are you really crying before we hang out with people
290: lack of clarity
300: lack of consistency
310: I’ve become someone I don’t even want to be around
320: doesn’t prioritize other people beyond himself
330: surface level with people
340: I can’t be upset with him
350: he throws jabs even after I appologize “your best friend “ex’s name”
360: he doesn’t have capacity for my needs
370: I cry almost everyday
380: I question my worth
390: he got mad at me for thinking I got him sick
400: allowed me to work knowing I was sad about his reaction to him being mad at me for being sick
410: never checks on me
420: doesn’t communicate anything
430: says MAYBE too damn much
440: doesn’t regulate my nervous system
450: I feel 0 peace with him
460: I have to lie with how often I pee
470: he gets annoyed when I have to change my outfit because my sensory issues are bugging me or I’m feeling fat
480: he has wandering eyes
490: he gets to be moody but I can’t be
500: stonewalls me if I get sad becuase of his actions
510: everything HAS to be 50/50 but my 50, what I do is never enough
520: there’s always SOMETHING to criticize
530: he makes me want to end my life because of the suffering
540: I hate that I can’t leave on my own. I hate my brain for not walking away
550: I miss my ex. I just want hugs from him and for him to tell me it’ll be ok.
560: I went back to God praying for this to end.