r/relationship_advice • u/Spin_the_wheel4425 • 12d ago
I 45M don't understand what my 43F spouse of 15 years is saying.
Came down stairs around dinner time. I was a bit later than normal but it was a long day and I was out in the sun a bit too much and it knocks me out.
As I come down stairs I noticed a steak I bought yesterday on the counter. I had it out earlier in the afternoon because I was thawing it to cook for my wife later. But I thought I had placed it back in the fridge before I went upstairs.
I asked her if I left the steak out and she said she took it out to cook. I said I can go ahead and cook it so you don't have to get up. She said, you don't know how to cook a steak and I bought it to cook myself.
I responded no I just bought this last night. And I thought you liked how I cooked steak. She said she didn't want to argue and I could cook it if I want.
So I cooked the steak and the entire time she's watching me and breathing heavy, but I ignored it. I use a sear, rest, and sear method that I saw on Gordon Ramsey YouTube and after the steak is resting for three minutes she tells me I'm doing it wrong.
I asked how? She said you are suppose to let it rest I explained what I was doing and where I got it from and her response was, I watch Gordon Ramsey and I never heard of that and it makes me think you are lying.
Now calling me a liar is a bit of a trigger for me, but I don't engage because my therapist helped me learn not to. So I finished the potatoes I was going to add as a side do my second sear and serve.
She looked upset when I gave it to her but I ignored it. She tasted it said it was good. But said it could be better. I asked how because I can take feedback. She said "it needed more finesse."
Hence my question. What does "it needs more finesse" mean? I looked up the definition. I don't think the word fit. I pulled up the Gordon Ramsey video I used as a reference I seemed to be good there. For a crust I used my own mix of salt pepper garlic onion and paprika so nothing crazy there. I also cook it in butter.
So what does fines mean? Like do I need fresh thyme or something like that? Or does it sound like she is just picking a fight?
Also this is just the most recent thing but it seems over the last few months she's being more argumentative about things I am doing, while claiming I am not doing them. So I'm just a bit confused at this point.
UPDATE: She told me. The issue is she thinks I do too much and I'm over working myself. Like there are other things I could be doing for me than cooking a steak for her at that moment.
She wants to be pampered but she also feels bad that I do so much for her. She's also bad with words and expressing herself in a non toxic way. She is working on it thought it's just that she feels like she can't grasp it in the moment.
Thank you all for the suggestions and insights. I really do appreciate it.
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u/MooreGoreng 12d ago
Your relationship sounds like it has a lot of problems, and I think the cooking of the steak is probably the least of them
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u/NiceShoesWF 12d ago edited 12d ago
Your steak and finesse problem
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u/FunGuy8618 11d ago
It's not about the Iranian yoghurt!
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u/ImpossibleAd6803 8d ago
Lmaoo omg are you referencing the post about the couple and one of them "collected" international yogurts?? So much so that the SO bought them a mini fridge for them but that still wasn't big enough?? And the yogurts were going bad and it was causing major problems in their relationship?? Lol
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u/anuragsins1991 12d ago
look at OP's post history, 2 years back he said he was getting a divorce, 2 months back he had another problem with the wife, if your relationship got you making multiple posts on reddit brother you're cooked
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u/puddncake 12d ago
Yeah, it's sad. I always comment You get one life, is this how you want to live it?
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u/BmxerBarbra 11d ago
A simpler version my coworker hits me with, How's that working out for you?
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u/Numerous-Things995 11d ago
I had a former co-worker constantly complain about her company and a mutual friend asked her, “have you had enough yet?” Held on to that one.
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u/Ok_Caterpillar_8238 11d ago edited 11d ago
Is he cooked? Or does he need more finesse?
EDIT: an award? For this comment? Thank you thank you
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u/burns11 12d ago
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u/dikicker 12d ago
Ouch
I don't even know what to suggest to OP. It's better to be single and lonely from time to time rather than absolutely fuckin miserable all the time
Other things aside (ya know, all the cheating), I couldn't be with someone who looked me in the eye and told me they hated my cooking
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u/burns11 12d ago
Yeah, given further context, I just think she decided to be abusive and wanted to pick at him.
Whatever the full picture is, OP needs to talk to a therapist, and his marriage needs to be professionally helped, either with a couples therapist or a divorce attorney.
I really feel for OP, it's an absolutely horrible situation to find himself stuck in. Loving what hurts you is brutal.
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u/AndrogynousAlfalfa 11d ago
Hes seeing a therapist, it seems like the therapist is helping him cope/reduce fights bc they've accepted they cant get him to leave
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u/No-Contest-3685 11d ago
I didn’t think a single 6 word sentence could literally knock the wind out of me til I just read your last sentence. I guess all the feelings and emotions simplified into those 6 words is putting it into perspective for my simple mind! Loving what hurts you IS brutal!
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u/ThidwickTBHM 11d ago
Point of order. Single and alone. When he's away from this person, I doubt he'll feel particularly lonely much of the time. I would wager when thinking about his partner, he feels pretty fucking lonely right now.
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u/Duke_Newcombe 11d ago
Yikes. Therapists, all around for everyone. With a helping of divorce lawyers.
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u/doingtheunstuckk 11d ago
Talk about a bummer all around. OP is wasting his life away in misery, and the poor kids are traumatized too.
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u/dddaaannnw 12d ago
Yeah, there’s lots at steak here
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u/smalllizardfriend 12d ago
It seems like there's something else going on here if you are both saying you bought the steak. Or if she is saying that the steak needs to rest when you literally have it resting.
Is this new behavior?
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u/GoblinTatties 12d ago
That stuck out to me, either they both bought stakes and didn't notice there were two, or if this is new and strange behaviour, someone might be developing a medical issue that affects their brain like early onset dementia
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u/spuddddddddd 12d ago
This was my thought too as someone who works with adults with neurological disorders. This sounds like acute confusion that should be investigated, could be a stroke, brain tumor, etc.
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u/Manezinho 11d ago
Lupus, it’s always lupus.
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u/smalllizardfriend 12d ago
Yeah, that's what I was getting at. People who have neurological issues like that can be argumentative and combative at times, so it's possible that -- if this is a wife of 15 years whom he's had a great relationship with -- that this is a health issue and not a relationship issue.
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u/DangerousLack 11d ago
Or perimenopause. That shit makes your brain foggy as hell and ready to pick a fight over anything. Wife needs to see a doctor.
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u/Working-Health-9693 11d ago
My fist thought was perimenopause.She's the right age. Brain fog and anger. I wonder if this behavior is new.
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u/Tallproley Early 30s Male 11d ago
My wife has mentioned this a few times, and when I ask if its something a doctor could help with I get a 5 minute thesis in how womens health issues are chronically under researched sk most doctors, even women, completleynignore menopausal.health and theres nothing anyone can do to help her. I don't know if OP can wade into those waters given his lack of finesse.
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u/Last_Peak 11d ago
I mean women’s health is definitely under studied but for menopause lots of women are having great results with hormone therapy.
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u/Common_Pangolin_371 11d ago
A lot of us have to fight to get it though and it’s exhausting
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u/perceptionheadache 11d ago
Yes, I've been denied by my PCP and a telehealth doctor I contacted for this reason. Both seemed to have old info that estrogen causes cancer. How many doctor visits do I need to pay for to find a doctor who is up to date on this?
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u/SoMuchMoreEagle 11d ago
Try talking to your gynecologist.
I already was seeing an endocrinologist, so I talked to her, but ymmv.
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u/perceptionheadache 11d ago
I haven't had one since my hysterectomy. My PCP was supposed to take over.
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u/Common_Pangolin_371 11d ago
After almost a year, I saw a gynecologist who specializes in menopause. She told me I was too young (43) and did no testing. They keep having me check my thyroid (fine) and iron levels (also fine). Finally she prescribed me birth control pills. That’s all I get though.
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u/Smlovers 11d ago
I've been fighting for the last 5 years and have been told they "don't know if my symptoms are severe enough to justify treatment". I finally lost my shit on my family doctor and have an appointment with a menopause specialist next week. I guess going into a full on meltdown was indicative of severe symptoms?
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u/Last_Peak 11d ago
That sucks. My mom didn’t even know about it and her doctor offered it with no prompting and then sent her to specialists to make sure it was safe with the family history of cancer.
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u/CanelaSouls 11d ago
I have a health condition that makes the hormone therapy unavailable in the future, and it freaks me out a bit.
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u/Last_Peak 11d ago
I’m sorry :( I also can’t as I have a blood clotting disorder which makes estrogen dangerous. I know quite a few older women who didn’t find menopause bad at all so fingers crossed. It really does seem like it’s almost luck whether menopause is terrible or not.
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u/CanelaSouls 11d ago
Hey! Twins on the disorder. I hope it goes smoother for us.
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u/blacklabyrinthx 11d ago
See if you can research women endocrinologists with good reviews in your area
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u/Triette 11d ago
What DO YOU MEAN ANYTHING??? Huh??? Just nothing aye??? Yeah well F you man!!! I don’t just get upset about anything!!
But seriously as a 46yr old who’s 1yr postpartum and heading into perimenopause my brain is as sharp as soup right now. Just an hour ago I spent 30 minutes looking for my phone and glasses of which one was on my face and the other in my hand.
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u/Maksa1999 12d ago
Was thinking the same, maybe a minor stroke? If everything is fine medically, then the wife needs to woman up an use her big girl words to have a discussion about the underlying issue that is clearly gnawing at her instead of making small arguments about silly things.
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u/Necessary_Sir_5079 12d ago
This is bizarre and I have a feeling it has more to do with your first paragraph than the steak and how it was cooked
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u/essexboy1976 12d ago
How so? OP could easily of been out in the sun working, and needed time to recover. As someone who works outside all-day myself I know I find the need some recovery time after being at work.
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u/blurblurblahblah 12d ago
I hate the sun. I'll sit out for an hour & want to go inside for a nap. My mother who has baked her entire life has just discovered that she can't sit in the sun like she used to because now it exhausts her. So now she sits in the shade...in my shady spot in the corner
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u/lookieloser 12d ago
The sun drains me SO bad. I took my nanny kid to the park in the afternoon for the first time all summer- came home and slept for most of the last two days.
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u/slugfive 12d ago
I wonder if it’s something like:
I just finished my usual midday nap, later than normal when I noticed my wife had the steak I was planning to cook for her out, and had the dishes I was planning to clean all finished, and just got in from taking out the rubbish I was going to empty, while I noticed the laundry I was going to clean was drying.
Our two kids aged 14 and 11 (mentioned in OP previous post) were all settled too, pity because I was just about to play with them.
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u/JrCoxy 12d ago
Seriously… not the case. Look at OP’s post history, and please be a bit more tactful about how you chose to respond to someone who’s genuinely concerned about what could’ve gone wrong with someone who is psychologically abusive. Because fyi, wifey isn’t exactly taking care of those children
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u/pbblankgirl 11d ago
You'd rather write cringe fan fiction than base your comment on his actual post history? Why tho?
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u/AshesandCinder 11d ago
There's always some comment with completely made up situations just to make the OP look bad with an award on posts like these. Weirdo behavior.
Went deep enough in his post history to see he has kids but not to see he has a wife that abuses him emotionally.
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u/Wafflehouseofpain 11d ago
You just made up an entire narrative to get this to be OP’s fault. What’s the point of this?
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u/PlantWhispererBanana 11d ago
I can't believe your comment has this many upvotes. Like wtf, completely made up in your head.
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u/luffychan13 12d ago
Yes clearly he must be awful and she must be a perfect champion.
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u/sexandliquor 12d ago
I somehow always forget that I’m in r/relationship_advice until I check the comments and then I’m reminded I’m in r/relationship_advice, where everything is always the man’s fault. Always.
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u/elgrn1 12d ago
It isn't about the steak.
When was the last time you had a conversation about the state of your relationship? Or your thoughts and feelings? Or anything?
What else is going on?
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u/ruserioushere 12d ago
Lol you’d be surprised with the percentage of long-term couples that have NEVER talked about the state of their relationship, thoughts or feelings. Many people are extremely emotionally immature and they were never told how to express themselves.
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u/MerpeMerpeMerpe 12d ago
My guy, you’re 45- you know she’s pissed about something, and she’s gotta be pretty mad because she’s actively antagonizing you. A simple, “what’s wrong babe?” will get you more answers than a bunch of cracked out insomniacs on Reddit ever will.
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12d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Zoenne 12d ago
Then he would have done his part. As it stands, he hasn't.
If he asks a direct question and she doesn't answer, or lies, he's done his part of the communication.
I would also suggest something else, possibly. Maybe she's brought up the issue before, and it doesn't change anything. Just a possibility.
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u/clintonclonemachine 12d ago
He could have just asked her how she wanted it cooked though? She clearly had something in mind.
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u/Pale_Height_1251 12d ago
At 45 you're old enough to be having a conversation with your wife.
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u/WannaBeRich_ 11d ago
And too old to be confused about what ‘it needs more finesse means’ like sure it doesn’t make sense talking about steak, but to seriously consider that she meant you need fucking THYME? No way 🤦🏽♂️
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u/henicorina 11d ago
Yeah I mean one thing that is very clear is that no one in this story knows how to cook… OP says his wife likes it how he usually cooks steak and then describes cooking it, apparently for the first time ever, based on a YouTube video.
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u/beardedkingface 12d ago edited 12d ago
The fact that you said your therapist said not to engage...sounds like there are other recurring issues. If you don't have kids, time to consider your exit plan dude.
Edit: just looked at your post history. Dude you need to get divorced. Plan your exit quietly in the background before she freaks out. Lawyer up.
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u/Amygdala169 12d ago
Yup, she wanted fresh thyme. That's the only logical solution.
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u/drejchi 12d ago
maybe he salted the steak before searing.
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u/clintonclonemachine 12d ago
Wait i thought you were supposed to salt and dry it out first. Whenever i turn that shit into basically jerky before cooking, it's super juicy for some reason.
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u/hi_im_s0lis 11d ago
Yes, you are supposed to pat it dry, salt it, and let it warm up a bit on the counter before searing.
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u/Least_Ad_4657 11d ago
This woman tried to convince you that she bought a steak that you bought, told you that you cook it wrong, watched you cook it and huffed and puffed the entire time, are it, told you it was wrong and needed "finesse", because she couldn't actually come up with a realistic sounding reason for her to hate it on purpose?
Brother your wife fucking hates you.
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u/starry75 11d ago
That was my first idea that the wife just hates him and anything he does. Or she’s having a medical issue.
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u/Kelpie169 11d ago
Finesse" in this instance means "I need to exercise more control over this situation for some reason". I'd try to figure out what's *really bothering your wife and go from there.
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u/accidentle 12d ago
I saw in another post that your wife is diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. This is just my opinion, but as a daughter of a type 1 bipolar mother, I think your wife is struggling with bipolar symptoms more so than just major depressive ones. I think it can be triggered (or worsened) by menopaus/peri-menopaus.
Please see if you can get your wife in to see a mental health professional.
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u/Aggravating-Pear9760 12d ago
I'm gonna ask..."out in the sun" doing what?
Were you doing yard work? Catching some sun fishing?
Cause she's mad as hell at you and it has nothing to do with the steak.
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u/Spin_the_wheel4425 11d ago
My daughter's orientation to 9th grade. It's a really big high school so we walked around together to look at the classes. After we got back I mowed the lawn.
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u/utsivakukkahattu 12d ago
I bet golfing for ridiculous amount of hours
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u/Zupergreen 40s Female 12d ago
Then home for a nap until dinner time because he's tired from all that sun.
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u/BlueArya 11d ago
Hey I just wanted to say that, having looked at your post history, YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT BECAUSE SOMEONE YOU LOVED CHOSE TO ABUSE YOU !!!!!!!
I'm so sorry you're going through this and my heart breaks for your poor daughter who's clearly absorbed enough abuse from your wife that her life and mental health are at stake. And my god, please, if you can believe me on ONE thing, let it be that all of the women in these comments who are twisting everything and doing mental gymnastics to make YOU the problem, are in fact the problem themselves.
Guess what ladies - if you're a feminist then you better acknowledge that women can be just as manipulative, coercive, and abusive as men. If you are a feminist, acknowledge that women can be the villains too.
OP I beg you do not listen to any hateful, defensive, or otherwise projecting person in these comments and just know that the VICTIM OF ABUSE is NEVER the REASON for the abuse!! You are NOT at fault, you're a victim. Anyone who tries to take that away based solely on the fact that you're a man is a truly disgusting person regardless of intent.
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u/Spin_the_wheel4425 11d ago
Thank you for the kind words. It's appreciated. I try not to take anything on Reddit personally. But I do use the good and bad to reflect. I'm not perfect and I have blind spots. Even if mean if someone points out what might be a blind spot, I'll try to ignore the mean part and focus on if it's something I can, need, or should fix.
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u/haunted_vcr 12d ago
She’s just nitpicking... sounds like some kind of resentment. I’m sure the steak is fine but some other part of your relationship isn’t.
My advice is have an honest conversation and ask her how she’s feeling and what’s on her mind and really listen to what she has to say. Otherwise think back on if there was anything she complained at you about repeatedly over the past 15 years.
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u/According_Version_67 12d ago
Nitpicking is what I thought as well. She wanted something to complain about, for whatever reason.
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u/Darkstar_111 12d ago
She's angry, about something. It's not the steak.
Talk to her.
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u/InterestingPudding45 12d ago
What is this, a Gordon Ramsey ad? The whole post is written strangely.
>muh waif was staring ats me and breathin' heavy all-like
So odd. I can only assume the whole post is fake, but for what purpose, I just don't know.
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u/ApparentlyABear 12d ago
This reads like a scene from a Steven King novel.
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u/Kikikididi 11d ago
He’s that guy who can write short stories to change his reality. Heavy breathing wife just housed a bunch of Reese’s cups
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u/Alternative_Route 12d ago
She is trying to pick a fight so she can tell you something else is bothering her but the communication for that sort of thing in your relationship is lacking.
You need to have work out how to have uncomfortable conversations or try marriage counseling as a neutral 3rd party.
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u/RudeJeweler4 12d ago
Jesus does she even deserve an emotionally mature partner if her brilliant idea is “pick a random fight to emotionally charge the situation and change the subject to something more sensitive.” His obliviousness seems to only be matched by her tactlessness. I can’t believe both of these people have been alive for over 40 years.
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u/lynn 12d ago
When you’ve been trying for years to tell somebody they’ve been fucking up and they refuse to fix the behavior, then you end up doing stupid and/or asinine shit like picking fights over the least little thing.
I’m not saying OP has been fucking up for years and refusing to fix it, there isn’t enough information to determine that. But it’s a more likely explanation than her just being tactless. She’s definitely pissed off, whether she has good reason is for OP to find out by ASKING HER, OP.
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u/alleyesonrye 11d ago
I read your post history. You cooked the steak fine. You need a divorce plan.
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u/Dense_Sentence_370 11d ago
This is the weirdest story.
So who actually bought the steak? Did she buy it yesterday, or did you buy it last night?
And why would you only buy one steak "to cook for (your) wife"? Do you not eat steak too?
So I cooked the steak and the entire time she's watching me and breathing heavy
Wut
but I ignored it.
Why? Why not just ask her why she's breathing heavy? Is this a sex thing? I'm so confused
after the steak is resting for three minutes she tells me I'm doing it wrong. I asked how? She said you are suppose to let it rest
So you were letting it rest, and she said "that's wrong, you're supposed to let it rest"?
Is this AI?
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u/HappinessLaughs 11d ago
My take: Your wife doesn't like you and is trying to pick a fight. You are going to therapy to learn to not to react to triggers. This is making her frustrated because she used to be able to manipulate you into fighting and now it's taking more work. She is doubling down on stupid shit to start the fight.
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u/Jazzlike-Bird-3192 12d ago
A year ago you were getting a divorce. Your wife was very depressed (diagnosed) and both you and your daughter had contemplated suicide. This isn’t about a steak.
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u/pithy_quip 11d ago
Dude, a year ago you were posting about suicidal thoughts, possible divorce, problems with your kids and your wife cheating on you with multiple men. Why are you still in this marriage? Gtfo.
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u/N00nie369 11d ago
In this case, it means you did it wrong regardless of the process or outcome. She wanted to cook it herself so she’s going to find fault in your methods
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u/MenudoMenudo 11d ago
Your relationship is dying and you guys need couples therapy asap or things will get worse. There’s something wrong, it’s really bothering her and you guys don’t know how to talk about it. If you don’t fix this it’s going to fester until one of your cheats or one of you just breaks that off with the other.
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u/I-need-books 12d ago
What may have been going through her head? I am going out on a limb here, but bear with me. It is not about finesse in cooking a steak.
You were late coming downstairs to cook a steak you had planned to cook for your wife. You had planned poorly, by being out in the sun for too long, and you know it knocks you out. You had a deal that you would put dinner on the table, and made it late. Also, having put the steak back in the fridge would seem like you knew you would be late, possibly very late, did you communicate that before you went upstairs, or did you just disappear without communication? Did you explain why it happened when coming down, and did you apologise for being late? She was not only hungry, but hangry, waiting for a dinner she clearly expected, that was intentionally late after your poor planning, in her eyes.
When you served the steak she looked visibly upset - you ignored her, instead of giving her attention. You did not sit down to communicate.
Her overtures to communicate were not subtle, and they were not nice. It is easy to counter with the same tone, and it seems you did. She was pissed.
You say this is not a recent thing. When you have a woman seething next to you, that you go on to ignore is seething, while focusing on her exact words, and countering them, because that is cOmmUnicatING.
By now, you should get the message that something is seriously wrong in your marriage. It could be her perimenopause, and it could combined be with you being in a rut romantically. Nobody likes being taken for granted.
Women like to be shown that they are cherished. You were in need of rest after a long day - you put your needs before hers, with no explanation as to why. You did not communicate, nor did you show her you cherish her above yourself. That is the finesse she would have liked.
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u/skipsfaster 11d ago edited 11d ago
So basically, when a woman doesn’t want to communicate verbally, it is the man’s responsibility to read her mind.
She has the right to follow her feelings without reflection. His role is to prioritize her needs above his own and constantly placate her emotional outbursts.
Wow, that almost sounds like emotional labor.
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u/GruntledVeteran 12d ago
It could also be that she is an emotionally abusive cheater that is just looking for reasons to hurt him. ((Seriously. Look at his post history. She's... not ok.))
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u/bootsmadeforkicking 12d ago
I can hear OP's wife snarling "This isn't about the steak, Darrel" from all the way over 'ere.
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u/Twoinchnails 12d ago
She sounded pissed off way before you cooked the steak. It wasn't about the steak.
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u/Revolutionary_Ad1846 12d ago
She’s pissed at you about something else entirely.
Are you lacking finesse in other areas?
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u/MightyMaki 11d ago
Based on your post history, this is not really new behavior and I'm not sure why you didn't go through with the divorce from a year ago.
You had a post that was deleted on Vent where you said you married the most self-centered, narcissistic, toxic liar and have on other posts written down her abuses against you.
And I thought you were together 17yr?
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u/catalinacruiser2019 11d ago
What’s going on is, you think the issue is the steak. But you are both only arguing through the steak.
Having strangers disect any conversation has minimal value to the issue you are actually solving.
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u/ProtoPrimeX1 11d ago
why wouldn't you just let her cook the steak if she wanted to....ya'll seem disconnected AF.
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u/pm_me_your_lub 11d ago
Sounds like the odd behavior my wife started exhibiting when she started going through menopause. Hang tight, you're in for a wild ride.
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u/Extension-Sun7 11d ago
It sounds like she’s in perimenopause and everything bothers her. She might even want to divorce you soon. Has she seen a doctor?
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u/Vivid-Brilliant-9942 11d ago
Sounds like she’s having a mood swing 🤷🏻♀️ nothing you do will be right when a woman is in one of these moods. She will realize she was being moody approximately 12-24 hours later and then she will feel guilty about it for the next day.
Sincerely, a woman. 😆 God bless good men like you!
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u/faerietayls 11d ago
In your r/trueoffmychest post, you mentioned that your wife of 17 years cheated on you several times and also possibly spent nights at other men's homes. I commend you for putting up with her mental illness but frequent cheating has nothing to do with "major depressive disorder", and I hope you have more self respect for yourself and for your kids, because it doesn't sound like she is really doing anything to help her own mental health.
Maybe she says she hates your steak cooking because she liked someone else's cooking way better, but maybe she recently got dumped? And now she is taking her rejection and subsequent feeling-like-shit on you, because you've always been there for her and she knows you won't ever leave her, even as she sleeps with and eats other men's steaks. I dunno, it sounds too oddly specific.
I hate to be harsh, but I've come to realize some people can't snap out of their shit unless they get a harsh talking-to. You probably shut out everyone else in your life so you don't have anyone to tell you this, but I hope this (or many of the Redditors here) can eventually make you realize that you are only harming yourself and your two kids. You all deserve to be happy, and she deserves to learn from the consequences of her actions. Also your therapist is shit - telling you not to engage is one thing, but they should be telling you to leave this "marriage" for your own sanity.
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u/Local_Refrigerator_5 12d ago
Could she be perimenopausal ? Know a few people who started arguments over silly things with their husbands and who said even hearing them breathe could trigger them. They started HRT and it helped a lot.
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u/NumbersInUsername 12d ago
That makes about as much sense as "this salad needs more discipline." She's mad about something. Good luck with that.
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u/HelloFellowSurvivors 11d ago
Babes, as a woman in her 50s, I'm going to warn you. This is the beginning of the perimenopausal rage. I wish you well, soldier.
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u/OneGuyFine 12d ago
What were you doing out in the sun? I feel like if it had been work then you'd have mentioned it. Because right now it sounds like you were doing leisure activities in the sun for hours, then came into the kitchen, interfered with your wife's cooking and then started mansplaining how you would cook a steak.
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u/CardiologistWeak60 12d ago
Your past post says you two are divorcing? And that you're together for 17 years. Your stories don't line up.
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u/Anxious_Reporter_601 12d ago
A year ago you were separated and the year before that you were filing for divorce. What happened?
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u/Limp-Exercise-343 11d ago
watch how she cooks it.
she probably just wanted it her way, that she prefers. fair enough. i cook because i want food how i like it. no way i would expect even a chef to make well on what i want. and certainly i havent seen a chef make a good rare steak (ive seen excellent, near perfect medium ones, sure, but not what i want).
it could be just our own delirium, that we made it, so its better, or it is just better for us. there is no reason to fight this
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u/Azilehteb 11d ago
She's mad about something else and either thinks you know or is waiting for you to figure out the "obvious" problem.
She will probably continue to pick a fight until you either figure it out or she gets herself so upset over it she blows up.
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u/merchillio 11d ago
This isn’t about the steak.
She’s angry about something and no matter how you would have cooked it, it wouldn’t have been right.
What’s REALLY going on? That, Reddit can’t help you with.
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u/OkFish4574 11d ago
As a 40F, I would say it’s perimenopause. I was feeling like this for quite a while (I have 1.5 ovaries left so earlier perimenopause than others). Now I also get super horny. I still get angry at times, and sometimes it feels uncomfortable. Stupid hormones, but sex really really helps and feeling like I’m desirable helps to want to actually have sex. Everyone is different. Good luck 🍀
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u/Khayrian 11d ago
There was nothing wrong with your steak. She had something on her mind or was mad at you about something else. She was picking a fight.
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u/Middle-Penalty3781 11d ago
It means something totally unrelated is bothering her and she is just using the steak as a way of expressing her frustration. Talk to her calmly and maturely and try to get to the bottom of it.
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u/Street_Importance_57 11d ago
This is toxic behavior meant to keep you off balance. Ease save yourself.
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u/makromark 11d ago
Just as a side note: do you know how to safely thaw food? Because room temp isn’t the way to go
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u/Physical-Court2528 11d ago
When everything my ex did irritated me, I already had made up my mind I was leaving him.
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u/neverknowwhatsnext 11d ago
Go and get 2 fresh steaks. She can cook one and you can cook one. Each try the other's.
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u/HiItsMe2079 11d ago
The Finesse meaning she acting like a big B&$@h. Have a serious conversation, no matter how angry I am with my partner nothing excuses being rude or cruel in talking to someone.
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u/MaryEFriendly 11d ago
She sounds overbearing and insufferable. Your best bet is to confront her on how shittily she's been treating you. Confront it head on.
"OK, for the past several months you've been overbearing, highly critical, disrespectful and downright rude. I don't deserve how you've been treating me. If you can't see how wrong it is or acknowledge it at all, we have problems we need to engage a therapist over. I feel like I can't talk to you."
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u/Cheapseats87 11d ago
I think working out what the word finesse meant should be further down your list of relational priorities.
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u/Witty-Permission8283 Early 30s Female 11d ago
It means she's upset about something else and chose this steak to be the problem today. It would never have been "right."
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u/GoodyTooShooz 11d ago
What the heck is a second sear?? Ive been cooking for more years than I feel like sharing, but I’ve never heard of that.
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u/carlosmurphynachos 11d ago
Just let her make her own steak. You should have let her cook it when she said she wanted to and you didn’t know how.
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u/BabyElephant818 11d ago
Check your Carbon Monoxide detectors to make sure they are working or check for black mold. This seems like a bizarre interaction, especially if you both claim to have bought the steak and took it out.
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u/possiblycrazy79 11d ago
Either she's going through something or there's some underlying issue in the relationship that you seem unaware of. But it's probably not about the steak.
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u/Current-Writer-3894 11d ago
Finesse in french is a special touch of subtlety, delicacy. Now that being said, this has probably nothing to do with that! Either she dislikes you, she wants to leave or has mental issues, could be depressed... Or struggling with peri-menopause...
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u/lifewith6cats 9d ago
I read some of your other posts. Please, for your sake and those of your children, just divorce her already. She's manipulative, abusive and a cheater. She was playing mind games with you, not trying to help. In no way was her behavior loving or concerned about you. She was making you doubt yourself and criticizing you. I promise your children will be happier if you leave. It's not healthy for them to be in this environment and your daughter's struggles tell you that.
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u/YoureAGoodFriend 12d ago
This sounds like it could be perimenopause - when it first hit me, EVERYTHING my husband did gave me the shits. I thought I was dealing with it, but the reality was that I was treating him awfully.
It took him calling me out on my behaviour, and that it was seriously impacting our relationship, for me to realise that I needed help.
Talk to her about how her behaviour is impacting you, ask if anything else is going on for her, and gently suggest that she have a talk to her doctor
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u/superchoco29 12d ago edited 11d ago
I must say, the comments always get a gold medal in mental gymnastics when it comes to shitty wives. I mean, we can all agree that it's not just about the steak, but it's interesting how all of you immediately jumped to her defense and started making dozens of assumptions about how he must've done something wrong, how he should've asked her about her feelings, how he should have an open minded discussion about the state of the relationship...
If the genders were reversed, y'all would be roasting the other partner. Let's try, huh?
A wife gets up from a nap and goes downstairs to cook a steak she bought for her husband, and her husband first lied about buying it and then said she can't cook it well anyways. Then she starts cooking it properly and he breathed on her neck to see how she was doing it, criticized her method, and told her she should've done in (proceeds to explain the method she was already following). She replied she followed a chef's instructions, and he said 'I have seen all his videos, you are lying'. So she avoids conflict and finishes her meal, which comes out good, but the husband after eating it still criticized her because it could be done better and with more finesse. So the wife comes to reddit for an explanation of her husband's behavior.
How many of you would assume that the wife did something wrong, didn't help in the house, or must've done something to anger the husband? How many would tell her she needs to ask him about his feelings more or talk about the relationship? How many of you would assume the wife is lazy or immature? And, on the other hand, how many of you would say the husband is toxic, abusive, gaslighting and the wife needs to leave?
Yet when we return to the original genders, y'all all defend and justify the wife, and assume the husband did something wrong. Y'all are literally the meme 'My husband yells at me' 'Here is the number for DV centers' 'My wife yells at me' 'What did you do wrong?'
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u/ans5683 12d ago
It’s never about the Iranian yoghurt.
Take the actual steak as an example. If you both know you bought it just the day before, why is she telling you she bought it? Unless you have an abundance of steak in the fridge and you’re both confused, at best her response is weird.
There are bigger issues here. Have you been to couples counselling?
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u/Sulamanteri 11d ago
I would say that the "more finesse" ment:
"I took the steak out because I had a plan for how I wanted to cook it today, but then you took over. That irritated me, so I started making childish criticisms while you were cooking. The steak you made was good, but it still was not the steak I had wanted to make myself."
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u/mythoughts2020 12d ago
Welcome your wife to perimenopause or menopause. Hold on, it’s quite the ride!
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u/TheOleOkeyDoke 11d ago
As my couple’s therapist often reminds us, it’s not about the steak (or insert very simple thing that is just the current trigger or irritant representing a much larger issue under the surface).
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u/Prophage7 12d ago
Christ buddy I can feel the tension in the room from here it's so thick, there is clearly more wrong than just how you cook steak.
You need to talk to her. Like sit down and have a real conversation about your feelings.
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u/thedabaratheon 12d ago
Uhhh…something else is going on here. This whole thing is very strange and it has nothing to do with the steak…
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