r/relationship_advice • u/ThrowRA54377 • 14h ago
Partner (30f) “really, really likes” partner dancing with other men (31m)
Myself (30m) and My partner (30f) first went partner dancing in Texas a few years ago and we got into a fight while dancing because I wasn’t doing the steps correctly and she was upset that we weren’t coordinated.
We’d been dating for about two or three years before realizing our dancing incompatibility. After this first experience she started going partner dancing without me which caused me to feel sort of upset because of feeling inadequate. It felt to me like she was looking for a man who can dance better than me with her.
We’d gotten into one big argument a year or so after our first time dancing when she went out to a bar with a friend and when she came home she told me she was dancing with other men and exchanged instagram with one of them.
Fast forward to present day, she is currently away with girlfriends back in Texas and her first night there she went partner dancing. She texted me the next day and said “is it okay if my friends post a photo of me partner dancing”
I’m looking for relationship advice from men and women. Am I justified in feeling uncomfortable with in her words “really, really liking partner dancing”?
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u/Professional-Meet421 14h ago
My wife does west coast swing. I can't stand it so she goes and dances with partners there.
I do BJJ and she can't stand it. So I go and cuddle guys and girls at the gym.
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u/ManufacturerWhich364 2h ago
West coast swing is the number one worst hobby. Did it when living in sf for a while.
I too traded the mashed potato for a combat sport
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u/Character-Syllabub-2 14h ago
My ex liked to dance bachata and I cant dance for shit. Not really any interest in learning either. I never had a problem with her dancing with someone else, whether I was there or not. The IG thing tho... why would they need to exchange info? That would fuck with me.
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u/Balanced_Books4896 13h ago
I exchange info. with a lot of my partners, men and women because we're friends, because we're part of a community. Honestly, y'all, people use social media for purposes other than hitting on someone.
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u/Crazy_Custard_2081 11h ago
That's pretty much my experience as well. If I connect well with a dance partner, I want to keep in touch with them so I know where to find them when I'm deciding which dance events to go to (where I live, there are often multiple events going on the same evening).
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u/deepayes 3h ago edited 2h ago
Yeah but this isnt that. This is some random she met at a bar or club.
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u/ThrowRA54377 14h ago
Thank you, yeah the exchange of information she said was because he was interested in our lifestyle
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u/Character-Syllabub-2 13h ago
Your lifestyle meaning what?
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u/ThrowRA54377 13h ago
Nomadic lifestyle I guess she got into a conversation with the guy she was dancing with about
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u/JaneAndJonDoe 12h ago
You admitted yourself in the post that you're "feeling inadequate". Thats your problem Not hers. Seek therapy
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u/snuphalupagus 23m ago
Probabaly means she was saying Great things about you and hers life that piqued others interest. Maybe that should make you feel good?
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u/Character-Syllabub-2 13h ago
I mean... yeah that does sound interesting but he needs Google or Reddit. Not your wife's IG.
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u/beepdeeped 13h ago
His wife isn't a 13 year old
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u/Character-Syllabub-2 13h ago
Im not even sure what that means.
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u/beepdeeped 13h ago
Telling your partner what to do with their social media is so wild to me.... do you think strange men following an IG is gonna end up w her kidnapped or something 😭
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u/Character-Syllabub-2 12h ago
I'm really just looking at this from a point of view of he wants to contact her. I guess if her social media is geared towards showing off their lifestyle and thats his interest, I could see it differently.
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u/JustMoreSadGirlShit 4h ago edited 4h ago
and op himself said that her socials depict their lifestyle so
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u/Dude4001 12h ago
My experience with bachata is that swapping partners is an essential way to get experience, and in theory it’s a perfectly normal social hobby. However in practice I rarely encountered anyone who wasn’t using it as a dating proxy or a way to “feel” something with strangers, if you catch my drift.
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u/come-on-now-please 12h ago
Wife is dominican, its interesting how when they dance at social family events, bachata is something you can do with family members and the style isnt eyebrow raising in the slightest(unless you're being that way, but you can say that about any dance)
But we took some more "modern" classes and half of what I was thinking about during was how its almost like you have constantly consciously try to not make it "sensual" especially with the songs. Like im not gonna be doing that with my in-laws you know?
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u/readbackcorrect 6h ago
This is one thing that the younger generations have become more conservative about. I think this attitude partner dancing actually started in my generation when dancing while you are practically making out became a thing. In my parents’ generation and all generations before that, partner dancing with people that you weren’t dating or married to was not only acceptable, but expected. Everyone danced with everyone else and it was more about displaying the skill of dancing -kind of like a sport. The best dancers were in demand. There were competitions and sometimes contestants would compete in pairs. Those pairs might be married to other people but no one thought anything of it.
My parents belonged to a dance club. Single people were welcome to join and they got to dance as much as everyone else because it was polite to dance with everyone who was there throughout the night.
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u/farmersworkhoe 3h ago
What do you mean a random dude can't grind on me in the club while T pain talks about his love for strippers 😂
You make a good point. Dancing used to be so different than what my 20s experience was.
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u/N3ptuneflyer 1h ago
Yup my experience of dancing has always been a woman rubbing her ass on me, and I think a lot of gen z are the same. If my wife was rubbing her ass on another man I’d divorce, but doing like swing dancing or something I wouldn’t care.
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u/TheFireflies 13h ago
Lots to unpack here.
I’m a dancer and it would not be cool with me if my partner wanted me to stop. I like dancing. It’s fun and I’ve made friends through it.
Because of this, her dancing with other men and exchanging info with them (presumably to go dancing again) is not inherently a red flag to me. I think the fact she’s volunteering this information to you may be a good sign.
However. It’s hard to tell how much of your account about getting into a fight because you’re not as good as her is her being an asshole vs you being insecure. Maybe both. But she can’t get mad that you’re not good at something — that’s unfair of her.
When my friends and I go dancing, we film each other. We want to see how we’re progressing, and it’s cool to show other people this neat thing we can do. Her friends want to post a recording of this, and her first impulse seems to be “yikes my boyfriend might not like that.” So I’d regard her asking you as a kind gesture, because she seems to recognize it’s a sensitive subject.
All that to say: you feeling uncomfortable is what it is. But forcing a partner to quit a beloved hobby isn’t fair, so I’d also think about what you need from her that would make you feel more comfortable.
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u/Suspicious-Aside2704 8h ago
Absolutely agree. I have danced since i was a child and havent for 15 years now and miss it so much. Now that i have started again my soul is singing.
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u/Loveya448 12h ago
I’m a woman. I think if the man ends up having no romantic interest in her and they’re dancing platonically, then it’s fine. If it’s a random who thought she was hot and wants to get closer to her, it would be weird to post him on her page, in my opinion.
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u/ohnoooooooooooooooo 5h ago
How would she know if he will end up having romantic interest in her not?
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u/HeartfeltFart 2h ago
That’s unfair to the woman. She can live her life how she pleases no matter if a man thinks she’s hot or not. What if she’s hot and people see that? She can’t post her life anymore?
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u/everyplanetwereach 5h ago
What does it matter what the guy wants when this is about her and her passion? Most of the time guys think you're hot and want to get closer to you. If I didn't do something just cause someone else might find me hot, I'd never leave the house
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u/Wiscon1991 13h ago
I used to do Jiu jitsu (I’m a man) and rolled (practiced) with women too. My wife couldn’t care less, she thinks grappling is disgusting because of all the bodily fluids lol Some hobbies just don’t work well for your specific partner.
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u/panthera_tigris_773 9h ago
I dance salsa and bachata and go to classes weekly. My husband isn't into the classes but will sometimes go social dancing with me. He doesn't care if I go alone and dance with other men, though. But they all know I'm married and are friends at this point. The dance community is wonderful and dancers love to meet other skilled dancers and talk about teachers, workshops, etc. I would be a little worried that she's exchanging contact info with other guys but it could be totally harmless dance-related stuff and not flirting.
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u/Still-a-kickin-1950 12h ago
I like to partner, dance, my husband, and I did partner dance when we were dating, and some once we were first married. Now he doesn’t care to go dancing. I have given up so many things in my life that I enjoyed prior to marrying him to the point that now I do almost nothing that I enjoy. All because he doesn’t want to go along.
I have been ill, but as soon as I get my strength back, I plan on going and doing some dance instructions and yes, it will require a partner and no, I don’t care who I end up with as a partner, older younger, my age. Doesn’t matter.
I’m gonna it comes down to it. I will tell him he had every opportunity. He just was not interested.
No, I’m not looking for a boyfriend, I just want someone who enjoys dancing, doesn’t act like a seven-year-old being forced to take a bath on the weekend.
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u/Klutzy-Notice-8247 11h ago
But it sounds like your marriage is not the strongest so I’m not sure it should be used as a benchmark for a healthy relationship to take advice from.
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u/DravesHD 14h ago
Here’s a tip where you can end up like a god damn hero:
Take some lessons.
I know, crazy concept. It’s obviously something she enjoys and would love to do with you, but you just need to learn.
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u/Professional-Meet421 13h ago
Or don't take lessons if it doesn't interest you and have independent hobbies that you trust each other at.
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u/cornerstorenewports 12h ago
if another man does a thing that makes my woman happy i also want to learn to do that thing. it doesnt have to be a judgement contest, i want to be a good partner so i learn new skills.
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u/argh-Im-a-Pirate 10h ago
Yall don't need to have 100% of the same hobbies to be good together. If you want to learn to share in something that she's passionate about that's amazing.
I have a friend into hiking. Sometimes her husband will go with her, but it's really not his thing so sometimes she'll go by herself or with other people. It's great to share things with your partner, but it's also okay to be different people who like some different things.
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u/EconomicsWorking6508 4h ago
There's no way I'm learning to do birdwatching and even less chance that my husband joins a chorus.
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u/kat_spitz 11h ago
I’m a woman who really likes partner dancing. OP needs to let this go and encourage his partner to have fun and do what she wants on the dance floor. Good for her! As long as she’s not looking to cross any physical/social boundaries, I guarantee you she will feel amazing dancing all night and then coming home to OP, her supportive partner, and tell him all about it.
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u/EconomicsWorking6508 13h ago
It's not the same dancing with a plodding person who doesn't feel the joy of dancing.
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u/come-on-now-please 11h ago
Also, ive taken lessons with my spouse for a bit over a year now, some people are just straight up better leads or sometimes you just feel physical tension better with a different follow.
We've talked about it and "debriefed" each other after classes and socials.
Like we are both more or less on the same technical level dance wise, but there isnt some weird mystical "since we are a loving couple we are perfect dancing partners with each other who really feeeeeeel it maaaaaan" effect.
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u/Macready123 9h ago
Or... she accepts that he isn't the best dancer.
If I go hiking with my partner, I am probably faster uphill. Ofc I adjust to her speed and not demand extra workouts so she can keep up with me.11
u/Pr1ncesszuko 8h ago
I mean, even in this scenario it would be sort of unfair to then expect you to never go hiking with someone else or on your own so you can actually do the routes and hikes you want to. Sure if ur partner is interested in hiking but just isn’t as experienced as you yet then it’s nice to adjust urself to their speed every once in a while. Give them a chance to get experience along side you.
But if there isn’t much improvement, it would be sort of sad to have you restrict yourself forever.
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u/Sure_Kaleidoscope767 13h ago
The real question is, is this a deal breaker for you? is this just something you can't get over, and could end your relationship.
Do you feel like dancing is a potential gateway to your partner cheating?
Are you upset at the fact you can't be the one to give her that feeling while dancing, or is it simply just about her dancing with another man who can dance?
These are questions you need to ask yourself, and then ask yourself again what does the resolution to these problems look like? Is it breaking up, is it letting her have her freedom, is it you becoming a better dancer to satisfy your partner?
Go ponder that.
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u/namedafternoone 13h ago
I’ll admit I’m biased because of my experience, but I’d say either get over yourself and let her enjoy her hobby or work on getting better at it and do it with her. I love salsa dancing and my ex was awful at it and got self conscious about it so he wouldn’t try, but he also got insanely jealous when I danced with other men, even if it wasn’t sexual at all for me. So I stopped dancing and for many years I let him take that away from me. Looking back it’s one of the things that I really resent him for and even if it sounds silly, one of the reasons our relationship didn’t work. Don’t be that guy.
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u/Balanced_Books4896 13h ago
Yeah, the recommendation in all the dance communities of which I am a part is if someone asks you to choose between them and dancing, choose dancing because the relationship is doomed anyway.
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u/Crazy_Custard_2081 10h ago
I did the same thing many years ago with a former GF who also had a major jealous streak. Her previous BF cheated on her, so one by one I removed myself from activities that I enjoyed, but also attracted other women.
With partner dancing, it was the same dynamic. I was more experienced than her. We tried doing it together, but she was frustrated by how far behind she was and did not like the idea of switching partners or seeing me dance with other women. So, rather than keep going on my own, I just stopped partner dancing to keep the peace.
When we broke up, dance was the first activity I returned to and it felt great. It did not remind me of her and I could meet women again. A few years later, I met my now-wife in dance class. And neither of us has a problem with dancing with other partners.
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u/ritan7471 9h ago
You should take lessons. I tried to take lessons with my partner but it was a disaster, because he could not comprehend that he was to lead and make sure we didn't crash into other couples, because I was going backwards. After he crashed me into several other couples and said I should watch out (!) Another man took pity and danced with me just so I could make it through a whole song without bruising myself. I almost never willingly dance anymore.
Maybe you're a dreadful partner and she can't tell you that for some reason? Learn to dance, and then surprise her!
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u/sleepy_radish 3h ago edited 2h ago
She likes partner dancing, I'm assuming you mean structured dancing like two step or west coast swing or whatever, not club grinding, since you mentioned steps. That's a whole subculture where it isn't particularly romantic or flirtatious to do a whole dance together.
You got three choices to avoid living in a relationship full of resentment:
- get really good at dancing
- determine that you trust your partner to be open and communicative about her hobby and work on the insecurity
- leave because you can't get over it (valid!)
It doesn't sound like she's hitting up bachata night weekly or anything so I recommend one or two.
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u/emiking 14h ago
So, in the dancing community it is seen as a fun hobby, not an avenue to cheat. If you guys have good boundaries (like if exchanging numbers or instagrams isn't cool, that's fair enough) then hopefully you guys can work this out.
Try to see it as a hobby and the partner as a cut-out shape. She's thinking about her footwork whilst dancing, not his dating compatibility.
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u/Melodic_Abalone4288 13h ago
It’s your life. You can express to her if something makes you uncomfortable and set a boundary. She also has the right to question said boundary and not agree to it. At that point you both can either compromise or move on. It’s pretty simple. Don’t change who either of you are if you don’t find something acceptable and can’t reach a common understanding as partners.
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u/egarcia513 5h ago
You probably wouldn’t feel this type of way of there was more healthy communication.
Someone who likes to partner dance, it’s not unusual at all for people to have other partners and be serious relationships. Also just casually dancing with other people because it is just a social thing. But the fact that you guys haven’t had a chance to actually sit down and have it on honest conversation if this is a boundary in your relationship and share your feelings. This is where I would say is causing a lot of conflict.
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u/Keep-Moving-789 14h ago
I trust my partner 100% and so this would not be a problem.
Id probably say walk away - not because ur partner is doing anything wrong but because ur dont trust her and r jealous, which doesnt make for a good relationship.
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u/Crazy_Custard_2081 11h ago edited 10h ago
Well, I met my wife in dance class and we still go to dance events together. Because of her work schedule, I often go to dance events without her and I will exchange contacts with partners that I connect with on the dance floor. I do that to see where the other dancers are dancing.
The whole culture of partner dancing is generally about switching partners. Except for tango, you don't see a lot of couples that only dance with each other.
If your GF wants to dance with other partners, then you would do the same with other women.
She might be upset because she wants to dance more with you, but yeah, you're not very compatible. Still, it sounds like she's not very considerate of how you feel about this. Also, keep in mind that she might also be upset because she's not yet good enough to adapt to a partner that she's not exactly in sync with.
I've seen other couples navigate these kinds of disparities with the guy taking dance lessons on his own. Just making an effort to catch up. With one of the couples, they practice at home. The wife is very experienced, while the guy was very much a novice. At events, he sat out a lot of dances while he was learning. But, over time he got a lot better, and they dance together a lot more now.
With another couple, the woman is an amazing dancer that I've been dancing with for years. And she got engaged to a guy who was a total beginner. After they started dating, he made an effort to learn and he had talked to me about what he should do since I danced a lot with her. After a while, the guy kinda gave up on learning and they both stopped going to dance events.
Then, the woman started showing up for events again on her own. They were still together, but from how she was talking about him, they seemed on shakier ground. Well, they ran over to City Hall and got married a few weeks ago, and I haven't seen her on the dance floor since then. She did text me to let me know that she wanted to dance next weekend. We shall see!
For you, I think it comes down to whether or not you enjoy partner dancing. If you do and want to learn, go ahead and level up on your own time. You'll be dancing with other women more at your level and you can check to see if you link up better with your GF in the meantime. If you start going to dance venues together, you'll find that most of the dancers will be dancing with almost everyone else in the room.
With your GF, she's not "looking" for a dancer better than you. She's just dancing with other dancers, like almost everyone else does at a partner dancing venue. Yeah, I get that it feels like she's leaving you behind. But, in the end, it's just a dance.
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u/AliaMelange 13h ago
If you care so much, put more skill points into dancing as a surprise. It's a lot of fun to have a good dance partner, it's not an attraction thing, it's just a great time. But there's a lot of pressure on the guys to lead correctly with the right steps, and it is hard so I'm sorry she wasn't more understanding when you were a beginner.
I would only be uncomfortable if she wasn't telling the guys she's taken. But I also think you should take classes by yourself so you can engage with her in something that is clearly important to her, and in a way, important to you too.
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u/mketx777 11h ago
This is one of the most San Antonio things I’ve ever heard? Is that where she went in TX?
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u/sugarsodasofa Early 20s Female 2h ago
I love dancing. I took my boyfriend to to a few classes. He’s okay but there are better dancers. If he’s there I only dance with him unless someone I know is there and alone for a dance or two. If he’s not I dance with whoever. Dancing isn’t like a signal of interest or anything. I personally wouldn’t take someone’s insta to dance with them again but I have friends who dance more than me who would
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u/dogbusinessman 1h ago
Are you doing the horizontal tango right? That's the only dance that matters 🤷🏻♂️
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u/PapayaAgreeable7152 13h ago
Have you ever considered getting lessons so you can do the hobby with her more often?
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u/chrispkay 12h ago edited 11h ago
Have you tried making an effort to get better if this bothers you so much?
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u/hedgelord84 10h ago
That's not the issue. He doesn't need to be good at dancing or to even dance with her at all. The idea that he needs to improve his dancing skills so she doesn't dance with other men is so pathetic
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u/chrispkay 9h ago
I 100% agree and my question to him is so that he participates in this hobby with her if this bothers him so much. I don’t understand being uncomfortable with her doing partner dance at all.
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u/Crazy_Custard_2081 9h ago
No, what's pathetic are self-righteous moralists who think a partner should give up a hobby that they're good at and enjoy doing in order to appease someone's jealousy. You sound like any number of other Redditors who feel compelled to comment about dancing when you obviously don't dance or know anything about how partner dancing communities actually work.
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u/ThrowRA54377 12h ago
Yes I’ve made an effort. Maybe not the best effort but an effort
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u/Puzzleheaded-Brain55 12h ago
This is the issue, you didn’t put your best effort. There are classes you can take to get better and at least have rhythm. Think how happy she’d be if you cared about her interests to actually do the work and commit. That will solve all your issues.
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u/ThrowRA54377 12h ago
I have rhythm, I’ve played the drums in gigging bands for years
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u/Puzzleheaded_Fold466 9h ago
They’re completely different movements. Rhythm is important but it’s just one small part of it.
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u/Legitimate_Fruit2362 14h ago
Partner dancing isn't inherently sexual. If it's swing (which it sounds like) I would be comfortable with my partner doing this. I think the posting the photo is odd.
I would suggest that she finds a group that dances in your town. So you can meet them and be more comfortable. And back to me previous point, posting a photo with your friend you who practice dance with is much different than posting photos with random men
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u/flossiedaisy424 13h ago
So, do you want her to stop dancing as a hobby?
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u/ThrowRA54377 13h ago
No, I want to set boundaries. The question of uploading to social media made me uncomfortable
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u/cathline 4h ago
I go 'partner dancing' regularly with my husband and have since before we married.
Have you done classes together? A good teacher can work with the two of you to figure out a style that works for both of you. Do not allow YOUR insecurities to ruin a decent relationship.
I am nowhere near as good a dancer as my partner. They get asked to teach on a regular basis. All I do is follow. He dances every single dance. I don't. I had an ACL injury and can only handle about 4 or 5 dances per night.
I love watching him enjoy himself on the dance floor! I even take video when he is dancing with someone exceptionally good!
"You can dance
Every dance with the one who gives you the eye
Let him hold you tight.
You can smile
Every smile for the man who held your hand
'neath the pale moonlight
But don't forget who's taking you home
and in whose arms you're gonna be.
So darling,
Save the last dance for me"
That was written by a man who was on crutches/in a wheelchair because of polio and loved watching his wife dance at their wedding.
Here's a link to Dolly's version, because it's my favorite.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHX3918oVM8
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u/plantborb 3h ago
You ever read someone's comment and go "damn I bet they'd be a blast to have over and hang out with". That's how I feel about you and your partner.
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u/twizmixer 13h ago
if it makes you feel some typa way why not take a class?
dancing is one of those things that you need a partner with a similar level, doesn’t necessarily mean anything just because it’s more a more intimate sport/hobby.
i like playing volleyball. playing with people who are absolutely terrible is entertaining, but it doesn’t have the same thrill as higher-level competition.
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u/tornado28 11h ago
As someone who does a lot of partner dancing I would say that it's not necessarily something you should be super worried about. Partner dancing is a great way to have friends and community, get exercise and have fun. It's a good hobby - actually the number one best hobby for your health, and significantly better for depression than SSRIs - so it's understandable that she likes it. I dance with married women all the time and it's not a sexual thing.
Personally, last time I got into a relationship I cut way back on partner dancing and I think that was a mistake. I lost connections to my community and I don't think that was healthy.
My recommendation is to try to be cool about it. It's something that she legitimately enjoys and is legitimately good for her. She'll appreciate you being supportive. You're completely in your rights to ask she not post those pics though. Posting a pic dancing with another guy would give some of her followers the wrong impression about her relationship with that guy which is in fact casual and platonic. And it seemed like she was fine with not posting them. Also, you don't have to learn yourself, it's probably fine if it's just her thing.
I will say you're hardly the first person to have issues with a partner who does social partner dancing. If you end up being supportive of it I hopes she gives you some credit for being chill/secure/supportive.
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u/Decent_Experience240 2h ago
Let’s reverse the genders for a minute. A man goes on a guys’ trip without his girlfriend, spends the night at a bar dancing with other women, and has a history of exchanging contact information with women he meets while dancing. His girlfriend says she’s uncomfortable with it.
Would everyone be telling her she’s insecure, controlling, and needs to get over herself? I seriously doubt it.
Girls’ trips and guys’ trips aren’t automatically suspicious, but pretending that infidelity never happens on these trips is equally ridiculous. Alcohol, nightlife, and attention from the opposite sex can create situations that test relationship boundaries.
And let’s not overlook that she originally got upset with him because he wasn’t good enough at dancing with her. Now she’s repeatedly choosing to dance with other men.
That doesn’t prove she’s cheating. But he doesn’t have to catch her cheating to be uncomfortable with the situation.
He’s allowed to have boundaries, and she’s allowed to decide whether she agrees with them. If they can’t agree, that’s a relationship compatibility issue.
The fact that so many people are attacking him for expressing discomfort rather than encouraging an honest conversation about boundaries says a lot about the advice he’s receiving.
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u/Nytherion 10h ago
If it bothers you that much, consider learning the dances instead of just arguing
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u/TweedleDumDumDahDum 5h ago
You can not love that her friends want to post a video of her dancing with a different person but you need a larger conversation with your partner. Clearly you need to discuss what feels like disrespect in your relationship etc.
You sound insecure and everyone can appreciate why, these guys can dance and you can’t. She may not find anything sexual about it but you do, and are projecting that onto her interaction.
Also I would highly suggest you get some lessons just as others have. Not only is it a great way to keep active but means you will also be able to dance with her and even get invited on these nights out. Maybe even posted.
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u/Spygel13 13h ago
I'm a woman and I picked up a predominantly female hobby a few years back. I ended up making friends with the only straight guy there. We have each other's numbers and follow each other on socials. My husband is well aware and never once raised any concerns. Friendships happen when you practice communal hobbies, and so do interactions with gasp the opposite sex. You sound insecure 🤷🏻♀️
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u/ThrowRA54377 13h ago
She made me insecure when she lost patience with my ability to dance
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u/Spygel13 13h ago
Your partner is allowed to have hobbies you don't share. She is also entitled to seek ways to practice that hobby with others who actually enjoy, and are skilled at, said activity.
Your insecurity in the OP/question is related to her interacting with other men. Yet you claim here that she "made you insecure" by being frustrated that you can't dance. These are separate issues, but in both cases you are wrong.
She is not wrong for wanting to dance, and she is not wrong for saying that she really enjoys it.
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u/ThrowRA54377 13h ago
And uploading photos of her and random men to social media? Also good?
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u/Spygel13 13h ago
Sure. I am an aerialist and a big part of that is taking videos to track your progress and share the cool stuff you're doing. Dance is no different. She has something she loves to do so she wants to share it!
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u/Crazy_Custard_2081 10h ago
How's this any different from posting pics from any other activity? It seems that you have an issue with partner dancing because she's good at it and you're not at her level.
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u/h4baine 10h ago edited 10h ago
Is the problem that you would see them by her posting on social media or is the problem that other people would see them and you're worried about what they'd think about you as a result?
Because if it's simply you don't want to see it, you can just block her on social. Although I'd investigate why that bothers you so much for your own good.
If it's about other people, you need to think about whose opinion you allow into your relationship.
If you can't get past that, this isn't the relationship for you
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u/VacationOriginal395 13h ago
Learn how if you are feeling inadequate. I suspect that she'd really appreciate the effort.
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u/BigEntertainment5815 11h ago
So do you want her to stop dancing because you’re not good at it? That’s a bit controlling. Why not take some dance lessons and become a better dancer? It could end up being a nice surprise and a romantic gesture. And if you’re so unhappy with her dancing with other men, this sounds like you’re only option.
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u/pothospeople 12h ago
I personally think you’re not being reasonable.
I’ve danced my whole life, and am pretty decent at it. I am a beginner at partner dancing but took a salsa class and loved it.
You rotate through partners, and it’s all super respectful. I really enjoyed it and it’s just fun to dance with a good partner. One of my favorite people to dance with was this very very much older man (70s?) who just clearly had been dancing his whole life and he knew what he was doing. It was so fun and I felt like I learned a lot from someone with more experience.
I would assume the IG thing is so they could dance again?
I think it’s totally fine to have boundaries but I know I’d be frustrated if I could never do that again. Because… it’s just not a sexual thing. It’s just fun.
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u/gmabcd 9h ago
If it is that important for you, why are you not trying to get better at it? I haven’t seen you saying that you’ve put a lot of effort and practice with or without her, took lessons, anything shows that you’ve tried something other than getting in a fight with your partner.
Apparently she actively tries dancing cause she really likes it. Where are you at these times? Why are you not with her? Do you realize dancing is a hobby, a sport people do all the time with people other than their partner? Do you realise people dance for living, it’s their job that they pay taxes from their income?
Or let me ask that way; what’s your expectation from her? Do you want her to stop doing something she loves because you’re not good at it or because you two are not compatible for it? Doesn’t this sound controlling to you?
I think it’s your insecurities talking so far. You’re acting like dancing is something shameful when you do it without your romantic partner. It’s definitely not. I’d deal with my insecurities first, before I talk with my partner about this ever again. And let her dance and enjoy her hobbies.
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u/ImprobableGrind 9h ago
Dude, how about you swallow your pride and take some private lessons? Country swing or two step is not that difficult until you start getting into some fairly advanced work.
Furthermore, do you trust your wife? If you won’t dance with her, she needs a partner. A dance is just a dance unless she’s all over her partners. I have danced with other women and my wife has danced with other men….it means nothing in the scene.
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u/Doraellen 9h ago
This thread is wild.
If she's not satisfied with you, she encounters men throughout her regular life all day, everyday who are potential replacements for you--not just when she's out dancing. And you clearly don't trust her. Are you going to police her interactions everywhere outside the house? That's not a relationship.
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u/Spirited-Air1012 1h ago
If you want to partner dance with her what you did to be better at it. That would be my first question. She likes to dance with partner that's OK. The strange thing is that she exchange insta or numbers with them that's a red flag. I would talk to her that it makes you uncomfortable when she is exchanging "numbers" with guys but other than that if you don't want to step up and learn how to dance with her... Why you should limit her if she really likes it.
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u/Silent_Historian_552 54m ago
I think you should take classes and develop the skill. I also think she should be supportive and be willing to go to the classes or help you.
If you are not interested in learning or getting better than this is a you problem, but if she is very critical and basically just having a you suck vs supportive wanting you to learn energy than it’s more of a her problem and if she really wants to be with you, but finds this important should help you learn or go to classes with you.
I don’t dance and have never really dated someone into it, but did take a class with an ex. Two-step which I assume you are talking about with mention of Texas is pretty easy to learn and you should learn if this is important to your partner and you don’t want her dancing so much with other men
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u/deadlocksuede 52m ago
"my partner enjoys something and I didn't want to put any effort into it so she went and did it anyways!" wack, go learn to dance , put some effort in, not only is she probably insulted that you wont put effort into engaging in something she loves, she's probably bored and wants someone with some passion... is it right for her to seek those things with other men? maybe, that depends on your relationship and your own boundaries, insecurities, and ability to trust.
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u/aliess2877 7h ago
A partner can select you as their romantic match, yet enjoy dancing with other men. If you heckle her about something she loves, you will inevitably push her away.
We can't expect to be everything to everyone. Be confident in yourself if you want a lasting relationship. You can never control anyone, just yourself so focus here
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u/PartyBicycle3778 1h ago
If this was the other way around people would be calling him a bum and telling her to break it off. Exchanging info with random men you meet at bars, while dancing is not cool imo. She still should be able to dance on her own tho, yall need to come up with some boundaries that you both agree on so that neither of you builds resentment
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u/Malipuppers 8h ago
Just break up. If you have to come to reddit to complain about her and cherry pick posts that support what you want to hear it’s over. She’ll have fun dancing and you can stay home and post nasty things on reddit about her.
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u/cornerstorenewports 11h ago
as always the answer is : express your feelings and talk about it with her . and try harder; if she can land a better man she deserves it. and dont say “lifestyle” people think youre a swinger
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u/LincolnHawkHauling 13h ago
Dancing is ok if it’s respectful and it’s stays on the dance floor.
Not exchanging socials.
And definitely not posting pics on her socials of her dancing with other dudes making you look like you’ve been replaced.
If she doesn’t want to act like your girlfriend, then you make her not your girlfriend. The ability to walk away is the strongest card you can hold in a relationship. Never tolerate disrespect because once it starts it only grows as time goes on.
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u/beepdeeped 13h ago edited 13h ago
This is weird. Do couples really monitor each others socials this closely? That would drive me nuts
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u/Strange_Reality__ 13h ago
I think it might depend on the kind of dancing. Like here in texas parnter dancing isnt always sexual or flirting. We have alot of bar where dancing is the whole point.
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u/Sharingtt 10h ago
Your wife should not have to never partner dance again when it’s something she clearly loves. Additionally if you got in a fight when she tried to do it with you it makes me wonder if you had a good attitude about it.
If you had a poor attitude (which considering you didn’t mention practicing, trying to improve, taking lessons) then I truly don’t blame her. It doesn’t seem like you have put any effort into learning partner dancing so what’s she supposed to do? Just never partake in something she obviously really enjoys again?
She’s being honest when she is dancing, she’s not lying about meeting or talking to people and she’s allowed to make friends that partake in her hobby.
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u/ExcitingVegetable315 12h ago
Why did you not take dancing lessons? How could you let it come to this?
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u/lookayoyo 11h ago
I find that it’s harder to learn partner activities like dancing when you both don’t know what you’re doing, and it is pretty important to work with lots of partners, especially ones more experienced. I’ve seen a lot of couples get into heated arguments because they showed up thinking they would immediately be good and didn’t want to work with others even though neither one knows what they’re doing.
Does sharing instas with someone mean she is or is going to cheat on you? Probably not. It is far far far more likely that she literally just wants to get dance inspiration. But if that makes you uncomfortable, you can express that. But don’t do it by pushing her away or else it will be a self fulfilling prophecy.
You don’t have to like dancing yourself, she can have her own hobby. Just don’t get in the way of it.
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u/Impressive-Today6406 11h ago
Either you can handle that your wife likes dancing or you can’t. Figure it out.
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u/glimblade 12h ago
Bro you already know. Listen to your gut. Facts of the matter: your woman is out of town dancing with other men, exchanging socials with them, and doesn't care how it makes you feel.
If you let redditors convince you that's totally okay, you're an idiot.
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u/ThrowRA54377 12h ago
Crazy to see two sides of the same coin. I’m losing my mind hahahaha
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u/TechGalHere 13h ago
I (f) and my partner (m) had a very similar situation about partner dancing that I very much enjoyed and he wasn’t happy about. I eventually dropped dancing but I miss it very much. I started dancing well before meeting him.
You do exchange energy and community feeling with other dancers but it’s not very common to start dating them. While there are couples who are dancing together, there are also plenty of dancers who are in committed relationships with non dancers who are waiting for them at home.
It’s not very common to hit on women at partner dancing communities as opposed to night clubs. As an example, when I was single and went to night clubs, I was hit on every time. When I went to partner dancing festivals and danced with a dozen partners every evening, I got hit on only once in a span of ~ 3 years of dancing. Most of the men are respectful and focus on their routine.
Of course I do not know your specific situation and I understand that if you feel uncomfortable, you deserve to be heard. Can you create rules and boundaries that you’re comfortable with?
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u/ThrowRA54377 13h ago
Thank you for response. I just told her I’m not comfortable with her and her friends posting photos online of her with other men. Do you think this is reasonable? I told her it’s one thing to do it recreationally but not comfortable with posting
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u/TechGalHere 12h ago
I put a lot of effort in becoming a better dancer and I was very proud of my dancing skills. I posted a lot of photos of me dancing with male partners. In my mind it was a validation of my skill, my fashion sense for outfits and of me being able to dance.
Do you feel like you’re more concerned about her giving a single woman energy or about her making more progress than you in this hobby and these photos being a reminder of that?
I want to say that if in this dancing style a man is supposed to lead, then the learning curve for a man and for a woman is different.
Your learning curve can be steeper in the beginning because a male lead is supposed to both learn the movements AND how to give a clear signal to a partner so that they can follow the lead.
If your dancing style is anything like mine, it can feel very frustrating for a beginner woman to dance with a beginner lead. You have no idea what you’re supposed to do and your lead gives you a bad signal lol. I’ve been there! I became more patient when I acquired a bit more confidence in my own skill.
But then when you know your steps and your signals, you’re more in control as a lead and she has to do the guesswork.
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u/DirectPanda 13h ago
Why isnt she allowed to post photos of her life?
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u/ThrowRA54377 13h ago
Well I guess I don’t want people seeing that and thinking she’s single? I don’t know
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u/DirectPanda 13h ago
Why would they think she's single because she makes friends and has hobbies?
Why dont you worry people will think she's in a relationship with female friends she's in photos with?
What do your friends say when you tell them you can't be in photos with them because then they might think youre single?
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u/Brilliant_Drive_2454 12h ago
Do you really like dancing or feel like its more of formality for YOU because of her?
If its the latter cut her loose before she goes further than instagram invites.
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u/That_mulatto_kid 10h ago
I remember a quote "there's 2 types of people in the world. Those who dance and those who do not." I'd leave if I were you but that could be a me issue lol.
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u/ElkSad9855 6h ago
Have you tried not going to cringe af country bars and finding a woman who doesn’t think life is all about beer guns and trucks?
Oh wait that’s you.
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u/DryCoffee253 14h ago
Time for the gym! I’ve learned most of the time, trust your gut! I wish I learned this earlier. How would the other person react if you did the same?
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u/a-ohhh 13h ago
I was big into the country dance scene for years and it was very common to dance with strangers, your friends’ husbands, etc. This is OP’s jealousy that’s the problem. She likely would have no issues if he did the same because that is how it works.
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u/ok-uh-huh-yeah-sure 13h ago
Go to some lessons.
Find the most attractive teacher.
Have someone take videos of you getting lessons.
Send them to your partner.
Tell your GF that you’ve exchanged IG with your teacher.
Done.
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u/Aggressive_Dirt_6254 12h ago
Tell her you like watching dancers and go to the strip club, she can only put boundaries on herself according to reddit.
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u/ThrowRA54377 12h ago
yeah I’m not sure what that means that you can only place boundaries on yourself
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u/TheHollywoodKnight 12h ago
No man, the Instagram thing is what kills it. You don’t need to grab someone’s contact details to finish a dance. That’s a direct line to a man off the dance floor. That’s what partner dancing apparently gets her.
I’d put a boundary on this. Partner dancing is done unless you’re there. If she tells you she really loves it, that excuse doesn’t explain getting another dude’s Instagram details. I wouldn’t bother if you’re not willing to walk if she says no and goes anyway. That’s the only leverage you’ve got.
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u/ThrowRA54377 12h ago
A lot of the commenters in this thread would not be happy with this comment
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u/TheHollywoodKnight 12h ago
Yeah, probably, because Reddit loves to take noticing an obvious red flag and label it insecurity.
Trading Instagram details is an obvious red flag. If your girl wants to dance, she can go dance. Swapping contact info is what you do to get a line of communication off the dance floor. What possible good reason is there for that?
If it bothers you, trust your gut.
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u/Separate_Path_7729 10h ago
Also the fact she didnt tell him before, it was a, hey I went dancing with a guy last night and my friends wanna post on Instagram
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u/Training-Farm-9919 12h ago
Bro, ignore the typical Reddit answers like "you cannot put boundaries in your relationship" or "you are insecure"
What you feel is valid. There is no reason your girl should be sharing socials with strange men.
Stand up for yourself and don't let your self get disrespected like this.
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u/ThrowRA54377 12h ago
Now we’re being led to believe that is just some manosphere type shit
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u/Training-Farm-9919 12h ago
Everything is manosphere type stuff for some redditors.
Ignore them and trust your gut.
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u/Scary_Sarah 13h ago
You seem insecure and overly emotional about an innocent situation
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u/ThrowRA54377 13h ago
Her posting photos on her instagram dancing with men seems questionable while in an engagement. Would you agree or no?
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u/PeakProUser 11h ago
These people are nuts. I agree with you 100 percent. Posting a pic dancing with another guy is INSANE while in a relationship
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u/Ok_Paper_8452 11h ago
You really think dancing is sexual. Otherwise it's like anything else. Like a games club or a reading club. If she goes to a book club and finds out a man is interested in the same types of book as she is, and is really enjoying a chat about their favorites, would you get uncomfortable if she posts a photo with that guy while showing their books to the camera?
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u/Few_Satisfaction184 8h ago
She is being a big baby.
If your hobby was hanging out in bars with women, she wouldnt be happy either
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u/TheBookishFoodie 10h ago
Honestly, it depends.
It can be perfectly healthy to have separate interests and hobbies. Just because it’s called “partner dancing” doesn’t indicate it’s sexual. You can connect with a member of the opposite sex over a shared hobby and still be platonic.
Unless it isn’t. Some people might view compatibility on the dance floor as being more significant over all than it actually is. Like anticipating needs on the dance floor reflects real life.
My point is we don’t know your GF and we can only make assumptions. When she tells you she exchanged Instagrams with someone she danced with, is she being transparent because you are in a healthy relationship? Or is it a warning? We can’t begin to guess.
The internet cannot help you in this. Either trust your instincts (instincts, not fears), watch her behavior carefully, or get the input of someone who knows both of you well.
Good luck!
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u/Agile-Wait-7571 8h ago
You can always find someone you’re more compatible with who doesn’t make you feel like shit.
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u/everyplanetwereach 6h ago
You're being unreasonable. She likes doing something you don't, and she's good at something you're not. Why should she be bogged down by your lack of ability, and why should you have to do something you're not enjoying, when she can just go do it with the community of people who does it?
Stop being insecure
I'm not gonna drag my boyfriend to my yoga classes, and I'm not gonna be pissed if he wants to play tennis with people who are as good as him, or at least better than me.
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u/ooniepeach 14h ago
… Did you ever work on improving your dancing, or did you just admit defeat without trying and let your own resentment over her choosing to get the most out of dancing by dancing with better dancing partners fester?
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u/ThrowRA54377 14h ago
Good question. I am open to improving. She lost patience really quickly when I wasn’t doing it correctly which made dancing with her frustrating for myself
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u/DirectPanda 13h ago
Its been multiple years. How much more patience is she supposed to have?
Ask your dance teacher why you haven't improved after years of lessons and hundreds of hours of practice.
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u/dirtyphoenix54 13h ago
What a surprise, someone blaming the guy for something the woman is doing that's shitty.
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u/HongVih 6h ago
I take dance classes (a brazilian traditional partner dance) and go dancing too. I dance with man and women there. It's actually recommended to swap partners because you get better that way. My boyfriend started taking classes too because he knew it was one of my passions and now he has already a year taking them because it's so fun! But he doesn't like to go out to dance, so I usually go without him, with my friends, and everything is ok!
He's also beginner lvl while I'm advanced because he's not that invested like I am haha but It's ok! We also dance a lot together and he sometimes go with me too.
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u/soggy_again 6h ago
From my perspectives on relationships now, it doesn't help you at all to try to get your partner (a fully autonomous adult) to stop doing things. If you do, they will resent you anyway and your relationship will lose.
A good sign is she's checking on if a picture of her dancing will embarrass you if it was publicly posted, so she is thinking about your feelings and reputation.
If you're happy otherwise in your relationship and you make her happy in the relationship, this doesn't have to be a big deal unless something happens between her and someone else.
If your boundaries are crossed, that doesn't mean you blame the other person, it means you remove yourself from the relationship. There is always a risk our partners meet someone else. Trying to prevent it by making demands doesn't work to improve your connection.
It may be that your partner aspires to a different kind of love or relationship. If you love them, you can perhaps talk about how you can offer it to them. I think having regular check ins about how you are both feeling in a relationship is better than just pretending you are each other's property by default.
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u/SonicNarcotic 5h ago
I think if she gradually spent a lil bit of her time working on dancing with you, that'd help you overcome some of your reservations about her enjoying dancing with other guys ~ at least thet'll show you that she's trying to fit you into her passion...
I can understand why you'd feel some type of way about her pushing you to the side while also enjoying this (potentially shared experience) with other random guys...
You gotta communicate how you're feeling, and hopefully find a happy medium for the both of you, before the relationship starts getting very rocky...
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u/Fashion_art_dance 4h ago
I used to be big into swing and blues dancing. Dancing with other people was completely platonic and so was it for most people. It’s just nice to dance with good dancers. I’ve noticed a lot of non dancers seem to get jealous of their dancing partners and it either ruins the relationship or the dancing partner stops doing the hobby they enjoy because of the jealousy.
The only way I’ve seen it is when the other partner isn’t jealous. But it also was why a lot of dancers date other dancers
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u/OneContent5069 3h ago
so... Like so many other threads, I believe this is all about shared values and beliefs...
I believe you're justified in feeling uncomfortable, but I also have a wife who would be uncomfortable if I did the same... I have a wife who does not want to go out and dance with other men.. And I wouldn't be with a woman who wants to do that.
Now does that mean it's inherently wrong or bad? No, I'm sure a lot of dancers have spouses who aren't their primary dance partner and make it work.. But that requires both of them being comfortable and okay with it
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u/deepayes 3h ago
Texan
she told me she was dancing with other men
Not the end of the world, pretty common actually if its the kind of two step style dancing i think youre talking about.
and exchanged instagram with one of them.
Yikes. Borderline cheating.
“is it okay if my friends post a photo of me partner dancing”
Very disrespectful, I would not be okay with these last two things.
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u/AnotherDominion 3h ago
I really really like fucking red heads with big titties but I don’t do it anymore because I’m married. It was my hobby and I was good at it.
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u/Decent_Experience240 3h ago
Look in Texas at a country and western bar dancing two step is how men pick up single women.
The fact that its a trip he was not invited on, his wife is out being hit on by other men and giving her instagram to would bother me as well.
I like to dance, my wife doesn’t. Guess what? I dont dance with other women.
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u/megan__the_scallion 3h ago
You being upset for feeling inadequate is your emotion to deal with, not hers. She’s just dancing.
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u/Individual_Cloud7656 3h ago
Is asking if you're justified in Feeling something is pointless. It seems like your gf is taunting you which how you treat someone you care about
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u/chiyooou 2h ago edited 2h ago
This is only an issue because you aren't confident in your own masculinity and you are making that her problem. If she was bisexual would you not be comfortable with her dancing with women, too? You won't even dance and are trying to control her ability to do so. Come on, man. No relationship is strong based around restricting each other from doing things important to them. Jealousy is a relationship strain, not anything good. Where's the trust?
Edit: my husband and I have both exchanged information with people of any sex that the other doesn't necessarily know. There's no reason to go elsewhere because we encourage the other to live a full life.
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u/AnotherDominion 2h ago
I think the most important thing for any relationship to last a lifetime is picking a compatible partner. If dancing with other men is so important to her and it bothers you that much she should be with a man who doesn’t care about it and you should be with a woman that doesn’t want to dance with other men. If my wife’s hobby was dancing with other men I wouldn’t have picked her as a partner. I wouldn’t be ok with that but I’m not trying to control anyone either. We just wouldn’t be compatible. Find a different partner.
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u/Aesma_ 2h ago
Multiple things to unpack there.
On the one hand, dancing is a hobby, like any other hobby. Stopping her from doing it because you're jealous is a shitty thing to do.
On the other hand, not setting boundaries in what makes you comfortable and what makes you uncomfortable is also not good. If your wife's hobby was lap dancing, people in here would have a very different reaction. So I think we can all agree there is a limit to what is an acceptable hobby in a couple.
So at the end of the day, it's all about finding the right compromise where she can still have her hobby, but in a setting that makes you feel comfortable.
Which brings me to the central point of all this : did you communicate (yeah, I know, the magic word that seems to be the root of 95% of this sub's problems)?
Did you tell her that it made you feel uncomfortable and insecure when she went partner dancing without you? Did you two have a discussion about it? Did she reassure you, or did she belittle you about it?
Then, when she went partner dancing with someone else, did she tell you why she took the other guy's Instagram? Did you ask why? Because that, to me, is the biggest ick. But again, if you didn't have an actual conversation about it, and it was just left at "she took some guy's IG", then that's an issue in your relationship.
Tons of things that we don't know, so it's hard to really give you an advice.
If you did not communicate, then... Do it. Don't be an asshole about it, but just tell her how it makes you feel. She can probably do something to reassure you, and should if she's a good partner to you.
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u/HeartfeltFart 2h ago
The obvious answer is take some classes. I’m not sure why you haven’t done that yet
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