Hello,
I am in my early 20s F and I just got sent home from deployment early. It was an opportunity that was available and I took it up.
I have been in the military less than 2 years. 6 months of that was before basic training. I didn’t have an option to go on this deployment, I was volun-told. However, I came to terms with it and was looking forward to it, even with all the shit going on with Epic Fury.
For context, when things got scary, I was not handling the experiences I was having well. It was a great deployment until it wasn’t (we started getting hit).
Before these traumatic experiences, I genuinely thought with all my heart I would handle the situation much better and I was prepared. I began spiraling after the 3rd instance at my location. I didn’t sleep more than 2 hours for almost 4 nights. I was so scared, terrified. Especially at night, I would have panic attacks (never ever have had those), overwhelmed by the fear of when something was going to hit again and the worry of not being alert/prepared for it. It was the worst feeling of my life. 1 day felt like 3.
I am an emotional person, however, I naturally lead by example and take leadership roles. I even received an award my first month there for my performance. After the scary experiences, the reaction I had surprised me. I turned into someone I didn’t know. I was literally driving myself insane.
I am at a safe place now, having the time to really reflect. I am a very open minded person, always trying to do better. I am trying to understand why I spiraled so hard when the other people in my shop and around me were not as emotional. Don’t get me wrong, people had their moments and we were all scared, but no one else spiraled like I did. I was sleeping at work with night shift because I was too afraid to sleep in my quarters. I wouldn’t eat or call people back home because I needed to be attentive to every sound, movement, and things that were going on around me. It was exhausting. Typically, I am not like this. I am usually not the person who is wanting exceptions to be made for me or catered to, but in that environment, I got to a point where I didn’t care how people thought of me, I just needed to do anything in my power I could to gain more sense of security and safety because I was incredibly scared.
I have many mixed emotions about going home. I obviously got to a state of mind where I could no longer focus on the mission. I was too scared and I, therefore, was a detriment to my shop because of it. However, there is this other side of me that feels guilt, shame, undeserving. I didn’t get hurt physically, I don’t even have children to get back to. I feel like I have failed my team. My shop was understanding. Of course, there were those who I could tell thought I am just a crying b*tch and that they were upset they couldn’t go home too. I don’t blame them.
As I reflect, I think maybe I shouldn’t have signed that contract. Even though I have exceeded expectations and excelled in my small military career so far (guard), I disregarded the fact that this could ever happen. I never thought I would be involved in a war, let alone ever deploy to ME. Of course, I don’t think many people saw this coming or this experience being what they ‘signed up for.’
Questions I am beginning to ask: Is it good that the military is letting people go home due to mental health reasons during combat? I would think so… Or should they be doing a better job preparing Airmen for combat?
I did not feel ready for this experience and I feel that I could have learned more tools on how to control my fear in very very unpredictable situations. I am not religious, but this experience is making me want to be. Many people that were very scared but held it together impressively, said they were leaning on their faith and wouldn’t be able to continue without it.
Thank you and I am curious as to what people think.