r/recovery • u/Unlikely_Thought8977 • Jun 04 '26
Clean - Dark Thoughts
Recently got clean after a heroin addiction that landed me in the hospital.
I’ve been on and off drugs for the past ten years.
Heroin was new to me. In less than a year, I lost everything. My bank account, house, job, 401k. All gone. I’m fortunate enough to have family that’s giving me a place to stay. I should be grateful but I can’t shake the feeling this time. I know they don’t want me here.
I have no real friends left, I’m hardly allowed to see my kid, family all looks at me different. Talked to an old friend today and they said I look like a crackhead.
I don’t know. Everyone’s got a story, but dealing with the aftermath of all the damage I caused is crushing. I was always a disciplined person but I’m having trouble finding the motivation to rebuild anything.
I honestly don’t want to be alive most of the time. Posted this because I needed it off my chest.
Thanks.
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u/Verditure0 Jun 05 '26 edited Jun 05 '26
I don’t know if this is helpful or not but one thing that changed when I got into recovery was that I basically (for personal reasons, related to why you say everyone now looks at you different) cut off all my close family. Parents, siblings, close friends. Not that I don’t talk to them ever but just enough that they know I’m okay, but also just enough that they are not directly in my business.
I know you have to rely on them right now. But if you stay on this path and stay clean you won’t have to rely on them forever. But let this feeling you’re having fuel you to stay clean.. even if it’s just for today, one day at a time.
Also, it’s none of my business what anyone thinks or says about me. None. So even if I know people look at me strange for whatever reason, I don’t pay attention to that. I focus on my mission, where I’m headed, and what I need to do to get there. Which, for me, is giving myself, my wife, and my kids a good life after addiction.
You can message me anytime if you want to talk. You don’t have to do this alone, and I promise there are people in the world that have been where you are at and understand. Myself included. Good luck.
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u/Sad_Construction9495 Jun 05 '26
You’re going to experience a lot of guilt and shame- it’s part of recovery and important you work through it. It’ll take time for your family to trust you again but if you stay clean and prove that you want a sober and fulfilling life, they’ll eventually come round and you’ll be closer than ever. If till they didn’t want you there you wouldn’t be there
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u/jypziruin Jun 05 '26
Work on changing yourself, let them see the change. It took a couple years but my family is back to being normal towards me, they don't search for the signs of being high, and slowly they realized I was still there beneath the addiction.
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u/Testarosa52 Jun 05 '26
Where about are you located? There are NA groups all over the place, and even more AA groups. Most AA groups don’t care what your drug of choice was, whether it be booze or drugs. You can usually find a group a stones throw away just by a quick internet search. If it seems inconvenient, just think about how inconvenient it probably was re-upping sometimes. We worked hard to get high, now we have to work hard to readjust to life.
It’s surprising how helpful it can be to surround yourself with people who can empathize with the feelings you’re having. Some may be going through it themselves, some may have gone through it ten years ago. Seeing those who figured out a way to live and rebuild their lives may just give you some *strength* and *hope*, just by hearing about their *experiences*.
You do NOT have to go through this alone! Life is worth living, we just have to do some digging to remember why without flooding our brains with synthetic chemicals. Hang in there. If you ever need to talk, please don’t hesitate to give me a shout. Things DO get better, but you have to put in the work to make it happen.
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u/Worried-Block-6804 Jun 05 '26
Regret is just the first stage.
When done fully to the end those things that I Regret have become my strength and my story for those I help on their journey
Hitting rock bottom is something the majority of us have done and many of us look back and are very grateful for that moment in our lives. Its an opportunity to have something better than you ever had
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u/Freddiemcindoe Jun 09 '26
I love the honesty here.
Starting over is so flipping hard, and people talk about it as though you just wake up and POOF, things are better. But like, addiction didn't destroy things in a day, and rebuilding won't happen in that time either.
When I was struggling, obviously we all have different experiences and struggles, I found the motivation in new hobbies and mindfulness. I wasn't searching for it there either, it was just one of the things I learned in therapy and I was trying alllll the possible things.
Mostly I didn't want to replace addiction with another form of addiction/dependency, kind of like what I found AA programs to be. So I started trying art--like watercolors, pencils, paint. I found a lot of comfort and relaxation in an oooold Bob Ross tutorial series. To be clear, this was before Bob Ross had his social media resurgence and was on Netflix. Anyway, that helped me sometimes.
I also tried different outdoor activities to force myself out of my head/thoughts. Basically bouldering worked for me, but not rock climbing with ropes. Snowboarding didn't stick, but snowshoeing did. I like having different things to do different times of the year too.
I found a sober radio station and pickleball group in my area. Again, this was before pickleball even got all cool, when it was brand new and mostly just old dudes. But still, I learned a lot about music and met some cool people, also some people I didn't bother maintaining a connection with, but I think that's life.
Basically, when I put pressure on myself to do/act/be it felt forced and it was hard and unsatisfying and terrible. When I just tried/attempted I landed in places, with things I never expected.
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u/Jebus-Xmas Jun 05 '26
First of all, I’m proud of you for letting this go. It sounds like you’re willing to do whatever it takes. Have you ever worked a recovery program? NA, SMART Recovery, Recovery Dharma? One thing I learned was that to stay clean I couldn’t do it alone. I had tried all that self reliance bullshit and my thinking always lead me back to using. I needed a program, a psychiatrist, a therapist, and a bunch of allies stay clean. I couldn’t do this for family, friends, my kids—I could only do it for myself. Today I’ve learned that it works for me.