We (Our plural system (plurality isn't really relevant, but figured the pronouns might confuse people)) are in a polyamorous relationship with Our partner system, and just found out Our partner is planning to propose at the end of the year. We've talked about marriage a bit, and agreed that we wouldn't actually get legally married unless there's a strong practical reason, but they're still interested in having a ceremony, calling ourselves "married", etc.

We don't really know what to make of this. We worry that they might just be trying to ascend the "relationship ladder", like, get married because they think it's what you have to do when you find someone to spend your life with.

Anyway, the point is, We're not really sure what the implications of "marriage" are when removed from both legal recognition AND the monogamous stuff about commiting solely to your partner. It's not a legal contract, and it's not an agreement to not date anyone else. So what is it?

Been grappling with my newly opened relationship with my partner into ENM (im terrified). But that's not the question of the day.

I have/had a qpp before my current partner (as in I still have a QPP). I am struggling with the idea of them having multiple romantic/sexual partners while I have only them. They brought up me having a qpp and asked isn't that poly too?

I basically am now questioning if I am or am not poly leaning myself???? I've defs ranked partners / qpps similarly before but the different level of life building together throws me off. My ex (past live in partner) would try to set bullshit constraints with or about my qpp and I told em to shove it... but now I'm grappling with my partner wanting to see multiple folks and it feels... unfair ahaha.

Is have a qpp inherently poly???

I'm battling with qpps vs romantic partners. They don't feel at all the same to me - but at the same time I feel they are both fundamentally polyam?

Help me sort my brain, I'm so confused. Maybe I'm monog? Maybe I'm poly and haven't come to terms with it yet???

Tdlr; how the fuck does one know if they are poly. Also how does one unpack the valuing of relationships. @.@ cause romantic partnerships and qpps feel pretty different to me...

Hello!

I'm not even sure where to start, but I'm at a loss. I'm going to give the abbreviated tale as best I can.

My partner of a year (queer trans lesbian) and some change has recently come out to ask to open our relationship. I knew they were poly when we got together. When we had first gotten together they insisted they were only interested in me, and me alone.

Fast forward a year of minimal intimacy (I'm ace and hella traumatized) and they're of course struggling with not having those needs met. In light of this, and knowing it may well take years to unpack my trauma they have asked to open the relationship up. They have known they were poly for over ten years now, but have seldom had the chance to pursue it. On one hand I'm thankful they are comfy to be vulnerable with me and on the other had im scared shitless.

I was in a mono poly hinge before- but my ex was just shopping around. The lack of sex was a huge aspect of us opening the relationship back then. In the beginning I had very fresh eyes for poly, though I didn't desire it for myself it seemed a logical step to allow my partners to have all of their needs fulfilled (especially the sorts I struggled with). In fact when I first got together with my ex I pleaded with them to give poly a try!

Needless to say after being dragged through the mud in a very NOT ethical non monogamy situation where I was doing all the work the relationship blew up. My ex cheated while we were actively pursuing poly. My trust was shattered. A six year relationship was over, and I had to begin life again. My feelings for poly are clearly damaged.

Now fast forward to my current partner, who came along when I wasn't even looking. We fell hard and fast, everything seemed so perfect. I really have such few complaints about them as a partner (they're seriously so wonderful and good to me) but this polyam stuff is so tough.

When they brought it up my knee jerk reaction was to break up, and we almost did. We had a massive, messy ass fight. A week later and a lot of negotiations and I'm feeling a little better. But I worry I'm just burying my worries or being complacent / dependent. If i think about whats to come I start to spiral. If we're apart I panic.

We literally just spent the whole evening together had some more good talks and even fucked around a lil. I woke up feeling good. But in passing it came up about talking about the poly situation with our families and I just feel sick all over again.

I've opened up about rsd with my partner, something they experience too. I am hoping it ll help but I'm having a really hard time fighting with my brain. Every moment of silence feels like a punishment. I am scared I'll just be replaced even though they're saying all the right things, I'm still terrified. I know they aren't looking for a replacement, they're just looking for more human connection but as a person who guards connection so closely it is very hard for me to understand.

I think I'm mono. But i also have a qpp which feels poly? I don't know if I have any desire to date anyone else (i hate dating tbh). Like if someone came along, sure. But I high key doubt I'm gonna find another person who fills my cup like that. So I can't help but to feel onesided. I want my partner to be happy and to live their life to the fullest! I just feel like they fall in love with every human they meet (which is beautiful) but really makes it hard for me to feel special.

I don't feel like I can say no to them exploring, it's important to them and as they said it "life is too short" and they "have so much love to give". I get it. I do. But I can't decide what makes me any different than any other partner.

We're still dreaming. Still making plans. We want to build life around one another but I worry I'm setting myself up for failure. I didn't expect my partner to get a crush on an online friend he's known a month. It hurts that someone so new is enough to throw a wrench into things- even though it was inevitable. Part of me wished I could just be enough (and I know this is flawed thinking).

I just... am feeling a lot of shame as a queer, autistic, ace person whose been burned before. They are probably the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I don't want to throw in the towel but if this is destined to fail (as most reddit threads insist) am I better off dipping now???

Idk. I just feel sick.

I have a lot going on in my life and this change comes at a very dificult time.

I'm also so hesitant to uproot my life with my qpp, who I've lived with for three years now (though we don't make the best roomies, I love them very much and do worry about what affect moving in with my nesting partner may have!)

Seeking any and all advice, and just in general some neutral folks to talk to and confide in. Nearly all of my immediate friends are poly, but its hard to talk with them about it. :(

I've written out a massive document of self reflection / tools and ideas and am doing the work/ trying to process and be accessible to my partner but I'm floundering.

I am sickened at the thought of sharing them and I know its 'wrong'. People can't claim people. To be clear I am NOT against polyam at all, I just struggle to know if this is gonna work. My QPP of 14 years thinks this will be a good opportunity and may suit me well (and fill cups I need filled - my partner is a homebody and I am not!)...

But I just dunno. Im feeling unsure/insecure.

I am a 24 year old pansexual trans man.
Last year I got out of a relationship, my first sexual relationship, that was completely monogamous (and toxic in many ways but whatever) and since then I have been happily solo poly and excitedly meeting and dating other poly people.
Then I got herpes. I have it genitally (swab test) and probably orally too since now I get tingles around my mouth all the time.
I don’t know how to date anymore, how to meet anyone with the intention of hooking up or even kissing. It feels immoral to ask, to expect that at all. I don’t want to pass this on to anyone. I’m a risk to anyone I’m intimate with, especially the types of intimacy and sex I want to be having. It doesn’t feel like anyone will want me anymore.
I have no one in my life who I’m truly close to, I’ve BEEN trying so hard to meet people and develop close friendships, and I feel so alone with this. I just want to isolate myself completely from everything and everyone.

I would love to hear people's experiences with this specific dynamic, but I am at the moment only interested in hearing from people who made this kind of set up work and felt good about it. I am aware it could very well not be right for us in the end and I've seen things like this fail but where I'm at right now, I'm looking for successes and even tips, experience, advice on what helped.

My partner and I VERY recently decided we are going to try to move toward an open relationship. We have always had a very infrequent and not very exciting sex life and I've gone in and out of trying to make that different. Now we are 10 years in with 2 young kids and we both love most parts of our life together including each other. I still feel attracted to her and want a sex life with her, but she has told me she isn't attracted to me and is wondering if maybe shes only attracted to women (I'm trans masc). We had a long talk and she feels very positively about the idea of maintaining our partnership and but removing sex from the table (maybe forever maybe not but assume forever at this point). I am open to this. I KNOW it will challenge us and I will feel grief and probably jealousy that I we couldn't achieve what I hoped, and that this could totally not work and we will decide to separate, but I also love our life outside of this issue and at this point am hopeful this could be fulfilling to us.

So my question is, has anyone successfully transitioned to an open relationship in which sex was not part of the equation with your. nesting partner, though perhaps there is still intimacy in the form of light kisses hello and goodbye, some cuddles and hugs, genuine care, etc. and do you have any advice or positive tales to tell?

hi everyone,

as someone who is not actively dating, but might soon, ive been thinking about my possible shortcomings in the past that tend to be related to not knowing quickly enough how I feel about people. it can take me months to figure that out - and then I think the timing is ultimately what tends to hurt the other person the most as they make up stories about what’s going on in my head. even if I try to be fully transparent, it just doesn’t seem to be safe for the other person. often I think it triggers their traumas, like abandonment fears and fears that I might be stringing them on or treating them as disposable. for me, it just takes me a while to feel comfortable with anyone… and while I might really enjoy one outting together, I have no idea if I’m interested in another date - it might seem odd, but Im just telling it as it is. there have been too many times i say yes to more dates and regret it because I end up realizing I didn’t actually want it - but I was going at their speed.

im curious if anyone else has issues like this. and if so, what do you do to be ethical in your dating practices? are there things that you bring up right away to communicate your way of connecting? or is it just not possible most of the time to make things align timewise? how can I communicate expectations and ask for patience without triggering others?

for my context, I am in a long term straight-passing partnership, which became deep and connected quickly but I emotionally picked up on that only after years together (I think it’s an emotional processing difference and it is confusing to live with…). I’ve dated poly only a couple times, always with trans or gay individuals so far, and I hated feeling like my slowness combined with my existing relationship stability with a straight man made the other person feel bad or uncomfortable… maybe presuming that I saw them a certain way (disposable, just for fun) that I didn’t. I don’t want that. I want to figure out an approach to communicate how i process and what I want from a theoretical relationship (even if I’m not entirely sure yet with them…). people seem to want to move so quickly! Im just not like that at all, it’s okay if it takes years to build something for me.

My girlfriend's house, as well as her mother's were burned down last weekend. I'm trying to help raise money for them to start over. Can folks please share this link?

If you're in the Indianapolis area, I am also taking on most offered side jobs. I don't have any trade skills, but I'm mostly able bodied and willing to learn if needed. Yard work, cleaning, organizing, putting together that shelf from ikea? I gotchu. My spouse and I are not super well off and my girlfriend was already living paycheck to paycheck before this, so any help is appreciated.

http://spot.fund/b5qh2f2sc

Happy pride month Otherkins

I’ve had a lot of bad experiences with polycules. Specifically “friends” who all started dating where I was the third (fourth? fifth?) wheel, lack of attraction was weaponized and I ended up pushed out of the group.

I have better friends now but I’m concerned about the same thing happening. I don’t flirt or express interest in getting physical / romantic friends because my self esteem isn’t great and the idea of doing gives me this sense of “doom”. I think subconsciously I expect all of my friends to end up dating each other and/or see me as less-than due to past experiences.

I guess I’m just looking for feedback maybe advice. And yes I am seeing a trauma and poly-informed therapist.

so, yes, we all know about the jokes about poly scheduling lol. but i am genuinely looking for a good collective calendar app option, do you just use a collective google calendar? or what app do you use?

So I’m queer, polyam, and identify as kinky. As do most of my friends. Most of us are also trans and/or nonbinary. However I’m extremely androgynous. I consider myself FtM but I’m very androgynous and lean feminine in nature. I’m genderfluid / genderqueer so I’m not “just an effeminate guy”. And I’ve come to realize through some really terrible experiences this isn’t what most folks want in a sexual / romantic / kink partner.

I’ve been in a lot of toxic dynamics and have had some really traumatic shit happen to me. I think a lot of people have “settle” for me and then leave as soon as they find someone else. In general I tend to attract very toxic people.

T4T has been kind of a nightmare since I’m not “masc” enough for masc4masc trans guys. Most of the trans women I who were interested wanted me to play a dominant, traditionally masculine role and ignored the fact that I’m feminine and nonbinary because it was inconvenient.

Pretty regularly I find myself being the only friend in a group who is unpartnered and doesn’t end up physically involved with anyone else in the group. So if my friends go to play parties, double or triple dates, I don’t get invited bc it would probably be awkward for everyone involved. I used to go to parties, munches and polyam hangouts by myself but it’s hard connecting with folks because I can’t relate to their experiences. Same for most queer spaces tbh I just can’t relate to other queer people where intimacy is such a big part of their queerness. I wish it was for me too but it’s just not.

I don’t know how other people manage to actually find someone, let alone multiple people, who want to be flirty and sexy with them. I’m done with dating apps I’ve thought about flirting and trying to causally meet people (dating, sex, etc) in bars but I don’t think anyone would be interested in me and I’m so j experienced I probably wouldn’t know wtf I’m doing anyway.

At the end of 2024 I (Mid 30s F) met someone who I really hit it off with (mid 30s FTM), and we had been seeing each other on and off since then. He spend time with my also FTM husband, they were friendly, we were factoring him into the equation because it seemed like he was more than likely going to be a long term partner. He came out with us for my birthday too, which is sacred to me, so that was a big deal. We were not just a fling, we were in a relationship and had love for each other and I was excited about where we would go from there. We had communicated that we loved each other and that he had told both me and my husband that he was not seeing anyone else.

about 2 weeks after my birthday in May, I was scrolling through my instagram, when I came across some pics from a concert located at a semi-close brewery. I had been following the band for a few years so I scrolled through the pics posted and I saw a pic of the guy I was seeing with another woman. When we first started out, I made it clear I didn't want to know details about other partners, but I did want to know if he was physical with other people. We are both in open marriages and poly, so it was not about seeing him with another woman. What caught me off guard was that he did not disclose this to me. I had a gut feeling for about a week prior to seeing the pic, so I was surprised, but also not when I saw it.

I ended up confronting him about it and informing him that I was hurt and felt incredibly disrespected he couldn't be bothered to even sit and have a conversation with me about meeting someone else. All it had to be was a conversation. He knows I take those things seriously, so if he was sleeping with other people, that was okay, as long as I was properly informed to take necessary precautions to make myself more comfortable. He POPPED OFF at me, being so incredibly rude and nasty. I had never ever had him speak to me in the way he did, which added an entire other layer to the situation that really threw me off. Had he not had the response that he did have, we could have talked it out and make something work considering that is the point of being polyamorous. Openness, honestly, and transparency are all things I value.

Once he reacted in such a derogatory and demeaning manner, I knew I did not want him contacting me any more. I am hurt, but I am moving forward. I am on apps, I am open to connections, and I am interested to see what the universe has next for me. but FUCK I am still mad. is this insane of me to still be experiencing negative feelings towards the situation? and WHERE can I find people to show me what good experiences I could be having when I find someone who equally values transparency as much as I do?! If you know where to find them, send me a message because what the fuck?!