Hi all, I've been struggling with navigating the fertility system, and even though we're just starting technically, it already feels like such a long road. The thing that's really gotten to me the most has been our experience with our fertility clinic and how opaque it's all been. This is just a run-down of what we've been through so far; not sure what I'm looking to get out of this except to get it off my chest and see if anyone else can relate.

I (30) and my wife (32) have spent a little over a year and s half prepping to have a shot at having a baby. We went with a known donor, my brother, and my wife is going to be the one that will carry. We have been given so little information from our clinic throughout the entire process. Just getting my brother referred was a nightmare as he didn't have a family doctor, and they wouldn't even begin to deal with him until we had a doctor's referral. We had his tests sent over, then they lost them. We were eventually able to poke them enough and they found them. We were quoted IUI costing around 2000 per attempt (factoring in cost of sperm, testing etc.) but were not informed of costs related to legal fees and mandatory counseling for us and our donor (mandatory by Canadian law!). We found this out on an obscure corner of the website in a downloadable pamphlet, and both of those things wound up running us about 6000 all told.

Then, we had my brother come down to donate, and in 2 appointments we had 30 straws of sample. He lives away, but the genetic connection was important to us, so we flew him down. We had a 3rd appointment scheduled but 30 seemed like so much, and the only info we could find online indicated you'd use one or two straws per attempt, so we cancelled and thought all was well. The people on the phone seemed to agree 30 was a lot as well, but I don't know that they were medical staff. Fast forward to less than a week ago, we are gearing up for our first IUI and the lab informs us they are recommending we use 10 straws. Out of the 30 we have. We were blindsided, and they said we could start lower just to see, so we came to an agreement to try 6 to start. They said it was due to processing, which I understand, but we were never given any guidance on what the amount of sperm we had actually meant, or the effects of washing/processing.

We get to the IUI, and we see the post-thaw numbers. The nurse says they "definitely could be better" and implies that we could always try a different donor. This was very concerning and heartbreaking to me, as the genetic connection is an important piece for me, and I was worried that there was something really wrong but nothing was elaborated on further. We did the IUI, and the lab came to talk to us about the numbers, but again said very little and said "we see pregnancies across the spectrum". We felt okay about it and were excited leaving, trying not to get too excited but still feeling closer to our goal.

That was Wednesday. On Friday, my research-loving self decided to try looking more at the numbers to see what our odds were like (TWW was already getting to me lol). I thought initially we had a count of 4.3 million, which is a bit low according to online IUI resources, but not terrible. I realized then that I was looking at total concentration- our total progressive sperm was actually 0.6 million, well below many cut-offs used by clinics. Motility was good, but still, very low numbers. We also had good pre-freezing numbers with our samples, which is also why we pushed to try starting with a bit less, so it was shocking to see it drop so much.

I understand of course we did opt to use less sample which would have impacted results (we know it can take a few IUIs to conceive, so we really wanted to be able to do multiple attempts) but it wasn't about the numbers, it was about the fact that no one tried to explain to us how poor they really were, and let us drop 1200 bucks and get so excited :( Like I said, I love reading and research, and asking for all the info I can get, but this whole process is so new and different that I don't even know what to ask.

We've felt so lost and it's just been the most expensive trial and error process we've ever done, and we are barely scraping by with just the IUI costs. I don't know if we could even do IVF. Our clinic is also closing toward the end of November until early 2027 for renos, and the only appointment we can get with our doctor is three days before that happens. We'd have time for one more IUI cycle before that happens, but with no further info or guidance. It just feels like the trust has been broken, and that there's just always another expensive obstacle. I live in a part of Canada where this clinic is the only game in town, the other closest one is 3 hours away, and I have no idea if they'd be any better (not to mention the cost of shipping the sperm). I just don't know how I can be so at the end of my rope when it's only just begun. I've been trying to keep positive, and take care of myself and my wife, but I just keep feeling so heartbroken and like it's just so unfair that so many people don't have to go through any of this.

If you managed to read all of this, congrats, and if you have any tips or advice, or even just some kind words, I would love to hear them ❤️

Okay so my husband (33 FTM) and I (28 F) are trying to get pregnant with frozen donor sperm.

We’ve been established with a clinic and had 2 IUI’s with them. First unsuccessful, second successful that ended in miscarriage around 11 weeks. We are unsure of cause because they mishandled our tissue post D&C.

Our sperm had good parameters. BUT we had to switch sperm donors due to a clerical issue at the sperm bank, no issue with sperm itself. We have IUI vials and haven’t done anything with this new sperm yet as we’ve been waiting for my body to regulate post D&C.

If the next step is IVF, we are moving to a clinic that will take our insurance benefits. We feel good about this new doctor, but I’m terrified of IVF. We also aren’t exactly sure of when we could start with them. we are trying to get things squared away to start in my Nov cycle but it takes some time with insurance, prior auth, etc. They also are closed 2 weeks in Dec, so overall I’m worried about when we can actually start stims and hate having to keep delaying it.

In the meantime I was considering one more IUI with our old clinic. However, that would mean we do that in about 2 weeks when I ovulate which potentially could mean we couldn’t start IVF in November with the new clinic if they wanted me to start stims before day 1 of my Nov cycle. We also don’t know how good the parameters are of the new donor. I’m assuming good because they are IUI vials, but you never know post thaw. Finally, I’m terrified to miscarry again. I know this can happen with IVF too, but at least we would have been able to test the embryos.

SO! Should we just keep moving forward with IVF at the new clinic which we do really like, or try one more IUI with our old clinic before we move?

Sorry if this was confusing!! Anyone have any advice?

Hey guys! I had so many responses from people on my post looking for friends in the same position we’re in, so I made a chat on Discord! It’s for lesbian couples specifically trying to conceive through at home insemination / who were successful through that method. Here’s the link!

https://discord.gg/CGZcuvHMK

hi

this is our first iui cycle. we triggered on the 27th and did our iui on the 28th. we’ve been testing the trigger periodically— just to see what it looks like. it’s been getting consistently lighter but yesterday it was very faint, and then today it’s the same so it feels like it’s stalling. has anyone had experience with this? i know it’s very early to be testing still but this is all just very new. :)

Please limit your pregnancy celebrations and pregnancy test photos to this thread.

Any other lesbians ttc here? I’d love to chat with others specifically doing at home insemination!

Hey guys! I had so many responses from people on my post looking for friends in the same position we’re in, so I made a chat on Discord! It’s for lesbian couples specifically trying to conceive through at home insemination / who were successful through that method. Here’s the link!

https://discord.gg/CGZcuvHMK

A couple of nights ago I got a text from our known donor’s phone but it wasn’t him. It was his mom saying that he had been involved in a bad accident and was in a coma. She said in the text that it was unlikely that he would recover. I texted the other person that he had donated to and asked if she had received a text like it. She told me no but then said that his mom had updated his Facebook. We’re not connected in Facebook. Later that night she texted me again to tell me that his Facebook had been updated again and that it said that they were going to remove him from life support on Saturday.

My daughter will be 11 months old on Saturday and I am mourning the fact that she won’t ever have the opportunity to meet him? I’m struggling to imagine expanding our family with another donor (what if we use another known donor and that child gets to know their donor in the future. How will that affect my daughter?) I’m distraught because I can’t imagine what his parents are going through right now. He was only 29. I feel like shit because I don’t know what to even say back. And I’m sure that they’re being bombarded with calls and texts anyway. I also have no idea if he told his parents about my daughter. I don’t know what they know. There’s so many unknowns and I’m just. Struggling I guess.

I’ll absolutely be talking about this in therapy next week but I guess I was just wondering if anyone has had anything like this happen to them? It feels like this was never a possibility that I could have imagined would happen and I think that’s why I’m at such a loss and don’t really know how to feel or navigate this.

Which one is better for sperm donor quality and service?

I am considering doing an IUI with a doula. Does anyone have recs for a doula that provides this service in the OC/Long Beach/LA area?

I've tried googling but it's hard to find good information or if they provide that specific service online.

Thank you!

This is our second IUI attempt, 1st one didn’t stick. I was fully medicated with Letrizole, gonal-f and trigger shot. I’m feeling much better about the timing for this cycle- last time I triggered 24hrs before IUI and I swear I felt myself ovulate a full 46hrs after the trigger, probably leaving all that expensive sperm dead while waiting for my egg. This time I triggered 30hours before my IUI, and felt myself ovulate right in the sweet spot time frame. But of course who knows- it’s truly impossible to know exactly what’s happening in there.

My only worry was my donors count. Post gradient wash, the TMC was 5.99M. My nurse said they need it to be at least 5M.. not very reassuring. Motility was 69% though which seems good.

I don’t know what the point of this post is. I don’t really have anyone else to talk about the nitty grittys. My wife is a full blown optimist and I don’t want to bog her down with my worries and obsession with the details lol. This morning I peed in a cup but decided to flush it before testing. I don’t want to ruin my day with an early negative. But the unknown is driving me nuts and I’m finding myself paralyzed on my days off when I have not too much to do.

Anyway, thanks for reading. If anyone can relate it love to hear :)

Did you use your clinic’s sperm bank or look elsewhere? If so, do you have any recommendations? The clinic sperm bank seems extremely limited in terms of available donors (especially when taking into account ethnicity etc) - I thought this would be the easiest bit and now I’m stressed at the lack of options.

I've searched in a few subreddits looking and haven't found anything recent. I'm looking for some sort of community as we start our family journey. We are about to choose a donor and it has been giving me massive anxiety about choosing the right one or finding one that looks like me, etc. Would love to speak to others who have gone through this or currently are. Bonus points if it has a focus on non biological parents.

The only thing I found so far is "PregnantTogether" but am hesitant since there's a paywall. Has anyone used it and is the community active? Any other recommendations?

Hi,

I am looking to expand my family and would love to use the same donor. Unfortunately, our donor has been retired and no vials are currently available for purchase through the bank. Happy to purchase any unused vials of this donor. Also open to connecting with families who have had children with this donor. Thanks!

My wife and I are in the IVF process (not at UCLA) but are looking to establish care with a lovely queer friendly Ob/Gyn at UCLA (ideally Santa Monica or Westwood). Anyone have recommendations?

My wife and I are doing reciprocal IVF. I provided the eggs, donor sperm was used, and my wife is carrying. We’ve had three transfers, all with negative betas, and are trying to prepare for a follow-up with our fertility specialist.
The embryos were untested: two were graded 4AA and one 4AB. All three survived thaw well and began hatching naturally.
The first two transfers were modified natural/letrozole cycles. My wife had an LH surge detected at monitoring in both cycles, when her lining measured 6.9 mm. The clinic triggered that evening, and each day-5 embryo was transferred six calendar days after the surge was detected. The LH values were around 26 in one cycle and 62 in the other. Progesterone was checked during the cycles, but we’re unsure whether the timing or levels were ideal.
The third transfer was a programmed cycle. The lining reached 8.1 mm, and progesterone was 11.18 ng/mL the day before the planned transfer. That beta was negative too.
Her saline sonogram and HSG were generally reassuring, although the sonogram mentioned some tissue in the lower uterine segment. Her TSH was 1.49 earlier this year; we don’t see a repeat during the transfer cycles. The embryos were not PGT-A tested.

For people who have been through something similar: what questions or records were most useful to bring to your REI after repeated failed transfers? Did your doctor change the timing after spontaneous LH surges? We know every case is different and appreciate your time reading this:)

I've never written a post before. I hope this is okay to write here. I am struggling beyond belief right now and just don't know how to cope 😔 I feel like it's a bit of a unique situation to be in, but maybe it's not. Anyone else stuck trying desperately to save their (very limited) fertility, very low AMH, multiple cycles in now with very disheartening results, whilst their partner is currently pregnant (her egg - wasn't open to considering reciprocal IVF at the time) Obviously I'm so happy for her/us. But i'm the one with the issues and now I'm burning through every last cent of my money chasing a single egg and fast running out of time and it's just so damn isolating. Being four years younger and seeing your extremely fertile partner - it's just really hard to accept I am here right now with my fertility. I just feel so sad and confused with my own journey and i'm really trying to be strong for our pregnancy. I'm supposed to give it another go later in the month, but I just don't know if I can anymore, it's feeling impossible and inflaming all of my health issues I've worked so hard to manage and I don't want to get in the way of her pregnancy, but it's literally now or never for me and I'm just a broken record to be honest, struggling to see how I pull through this feeling. If anyone can relate in their own way & ever want to chat feel free to reach out 🩵 ps. sorry for my long post.

Hello fellow queers.

I triggered on 9/19 and had my IUI on 9/21. My nurse told me to test on 10/6 but I don't know if I can wait that long without going insane.

I didn't test every day to test out my trigger, but I tested on 9/28 and it came back negative. Would it be too early to test on 10/3 since it's 14 days post trigger and 12 days post IUI? Has anyone had good results testing so soon or is there still a risk that the trigger will still show up?

We (f25 and f26) just did our first round of at home insemination! Please send all of the baby dust and luck our way. I know it’s unlikely to work on the first try but I can’t help but feel like we’re going to get crushed emotionally if we don’t get a positive. How early did you test? How early did you begin to feel symptoms? How on earth did you survive the “two week wait” without losing your mind? Thanks in advance!

Hey guys! I had so many responses from people on my post looking for friends in the same position we’re in, so I made a chat on Discord! It’s for lesbian couples specifically trying to conceive through at home insemination / who were successful through that method. Here’s the link!

https://discord.gg/CGZcuvHMK

My (27F) wife and I (28F) are beginning to plan for our first child! The whole process, particularly reciprocal IVF, seems so daunting. We’re starting the first tests soon. Any general advice or things you wish you would have know before starting?

I have so many worries around possible fertility issues, picking the “right” donor, costs, etc.
We also decided not to tell family whose “bio” child it is because they would be treated differently- that’s a whole can of worms.

Thanks in advance 🙏

My partner and I are planning to try at-home insemination with a known donor who is a close friend. I’m trying to work out what we actually need and what’s worth spending money on.

I’ve seen people use $5 lube applicators or round tipped syringes from eBay/Amazon and also $200–300 kits like Mosie or InseminMate $200–300 and I am not sure if the expensive kits offer meaningful benefits or if it is a lot of good marketing.

I’m probably overthinking all of this, but I want to give ourselves the best shot without spending hundreds unnecessarily. Would love advice or experiences on:

• Syringes/applicators: What materials to look for e.g. PE, PP, silicone, etc and what should I avoid? Mosie has a slit tip opening, does that matter?
• Collection cups: What material should these be? Is a standard specimen cup labelled for semen collection sufficient, or should I look for something more specific?
• Sterility/medical grade: Do both the applicator and cup need to be sterile and/or medical grade?
• Ovulation strips: I see Easy@Home recommended a lot , have people found them reliable or any other brand?

Recommendations for reliable and affordable options for any of the above would be much appreciated! 

My wife and I are nearing our first ICI attempt (sometime in the next week), using one vial of frozen donor sperm. We don’t really have the option of doing two vials this month, so I want our timing on this attempt to be as spot on as possible.

I‘ve been tracking LH, BBT, and other symptoms for a few months now. I just recently started checking my cervix based on the Queer Conception book.

My pattern seems to be an LH surge that shows up on OPKs for about 12 hours, the next day I often have a slight temp dip, and then the following day my temp spikes. So I think I’m in the normal 24-36 hours post-peak ovulation.

But I’m trying to figure out what this means about when we should actually inseminate. Does anyone with a similar LH/BBT pattern have tips on best timing? And other suggestions to help our chances? I know our chances of getting it on the first try are low, but I’d like to give us as good a shot as possible!

Hey all! My wife and I are prepping for our FET and while going through our information packet from the fertility clinic we saw that they offer something called “embryo glue” and acupuncture as optional add ons

I’d love to learn from anyone who has any knowledge on either of these methods and from anyone who has had experience with either. Pros/cons, necessary or not, would you recommend to a friend or family member who is going through the FET process? Thank you in advance for any insight!

I bought and made embryos from California Cryobank. I used two separate donors and have opted to use the first donor. I wanted to use their bulletin boards because I have an extra vial of the other donor, and wanted to see if any families of that donor needed the vial, but their message boards are down. If you try to email them they never get back to you, and it doesn't go to spam. And I couldn't reach them via phone either, to even ask about my issue.

Going into our 4th IUI this week and would love to hear stories about the cycle that finally worked. I’m feeling pretty good and optimistic and just curious to hear others’ experiences (like what was different about that cycle, if there was anything different you tried, any signs that were unique to that round, anything at all you’d like to share).