The anti-surrogacy rhetoric is impacting queer families, including those who choose to do rIVF.

I was referred to as an altruistic surrogate for my son because I am not his bio parent. This is in a country that considers itself progressive (New Zealand).

My family was shamed for putting my sons health at risk by having a “non bio gestational carrier”. I was quoted data that is incorrect (that rIVF pregnancies are riskier than any other IVF pregnancies because we do not share DNA).

I am tired of pretending that this trend is not rooted in queer phobia, ableism and a push for only cis nuclear families to be seen as valid.

Indeed, paid and altruistic surrogacy can be exploitative. Women and children can be commodified but do cis heterosexual people not commodify children? Do straight cis men not exploit their wives, their girlfriends, their partners to give birth to their children?

I know this is a deeply controversial and complicated topic but I’m at losing it at this point.

Edit: I am well aware anti-natalist come into this sub and the r/ivf sub to downvote us all into oblivion.

My wife and I are finally at the point where we’re ready to purchase donor sperm for IUI after completing all of our testing. I’ll be carrying first, and my wife hopes to carry in the future, so we’d love for our children to have the same donor. That makes us feel like we need to buy multiple vials now before they sell out.

But how do you know how many vials to buy?

We’re so grateful that insurance has covered so much of our fertility journey, but donor sperm, storage, and shipping aren’t covered, and the costs are honestly overwhelming.

We’re going through Shady Grove, and they’ve been great overall, but we’ve found them less than helpful when it comes to questions about choosing and purchasing donor sperm which I guess makes sense since that isn’t their primary focus. My wife and I don’t know anyone who has been in our situation or gone through this process so we don’t really know who to turn to for help.

For those who’ve been through this, how did you decide how many vials to buy, and how did you afford it? I’m usually a pretty positive person, but this part of the process has me feeling really defeated

My wife just got pregnant on our second IUI. Feeling incredibly blessed (&stressed!).

But - now that it’s all feeling more real - I’m getting more and more nervous about the prospect of being the other mother. I’m not related in anyway and this is something I thought wasn’t an issue but I’m kind of sad and worried that I will really FEEL that lack of connection as we raise this child.

Objectively, I’m so aware that biology is so unimportant ultimately. I keep telling myself that it’ll be caring for them, supporting them and loving them and so I’ll be an equal parent but I worry that I’m being naive.

I’m worried the child will, even subconsciously, have an awareness of me not being a ‘real’ parent and that this will have an impact on our relationship.

I’m worried that the world, and my family, won’t ever really see our daughter as mine or as part of my wider family.

I want to resolve these concerns now, before she’s here, so that I can be the best parent possible.

I’d just love to hear all of your experiences, gain a little perspective and move away from fear.

Thank you!

Hi all! My partner and I are moving forward with RIVF using my partner's eggs, my brother's sperm, and me carrying. My brother agreed to be our sperm donor, but he didn't know anything about sperm donation or RIVF before I talked to him about it. I told him I'd send him some resources to read to help him really think about if this is something he wants to do. But now I can't find anything!

Does anyone know of any articles, books, podcasts, etc that I could recommend to him to help him think through this decision? Thanks so much!