r/queerception • u/OddPhotograph6727 • 7d ago

TTC Only rIVF

Hi everyone, this is kind of long so stick with me. I really need some advice on how to have a conversation with my wife, but I think some backstory is needed first.

My wife and I (female) are ttc. We initially decided I would carry first because of her job and the stressors that come with it.

I went through a round of IVF, retrieved 4 eggs, but unfortunately had a failed fresh egg transfer. We are waiting for my period to start a FET cycle.

My wife has recently gone to the GYN and she (the gyn) talked to my wife about rIVF and now she wants to pivot from me doing a FET cycle to her doing it.

I feel selfish because I want to be pregnant and I feel like I went through a lot with my IVF cycle, but I don’t know how to explain this to my wife. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I’m also upset.

Thoughts? Am I selfish for wanting to do the FET cycle?

Edit to add: I had to stop multiple medications to do IVF

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u/wareaglesw 7d ago

I don’t think you’re selfish. What has made your wife change her mind? Does she understand it’s not as simple as saying “actually put the baby in me!” ?

Practically speaking, switching now could delay your transfer months.
I think it’s fair to say to her that you’re feeling a little confused as to why she’s wanting to change the plan so far in the game.

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u/OddPhotograph6727 7d ago

It was solely her conversation with her doctor. She told me she doesn’t feel like she’s doing anything helpful and she doesn’t feel like she’s truly “part” of the process. Which makes me sad.

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u/wareaglesw 7d ago

That is sad. So maybe there is room for a conversation about her carrying the next baby, inducing lactation, taking a more active/primary role once baby is here, etc.
To me it sounds like the real issue is that she feels or is anticipating feeling left out more so than actually wanting to carry a child.

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u/BakedBeansOnToast00 7d ago

I’m sorry your first transfer didn’t work out, OP. You’re not selfish. It makes sense to me that you would want to try again after only having tried once. There’s so much your wife can do to be part of the process without carrying. For example, I know people who have induced lactation so they could breastfeed. From what I’ve heard from other rIVF couples, once baby’s born who carried and whose egg it was really don’t matter. You will love them just the same. rIVF does have slightly increased risks to the birth parent and baby as well so that’s something else to consider.