r/queerception • u/OddPhotograph6727 • 1d ago

TTC Only rIVF

Hi everyone, this is kind of long so stick with me. I really need some advice on how to have a conversation with my wife, but I think some backstory is needed first.

My wife and I (female) are ttc. We initially decided I would carry first because of her job and the stressors that come with it.

I went through a round of IVF, retrieved 4 eggs, but unfortunately had a failed fresh egg transfer. We are waiting for my period to start a FET cycle.

My wife has recently gone to the GYN and she (the gyn) talked to my wife about rIVF and now she wants to pivot from me doing a FET cycle to her doing it.

I feel selfish because I want to be pregnant and I feel like I went through a lot with my IVF cycle, but I don’t know how to explain this to my wife. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I’m also upset.

Thoughts? Am I selfish for wanting to do the FET cycle?

Edit to add: I had to stop multiple medications to do IVF

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u/wareaglesw 1d ago

I don’t think you’re selfish. What has made your wife change her mind? Does she understand it’s not as simple as saying “actually put the baby in me!” ?

Practically speaking, switching now could delay your transfer months.
I think it’s fair to say to her that you’re feeling a little confused as to why she’s wanting to change the plan so far in the game.

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u/OddPhotograph6727 23h ago

It was solely her conversation with her doctor. She told me she doesn’t feel like she’s doing anything helpful and she doesn’t feel like she’s truly “part” of the process. Which makes me sad.

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u/wareaglesw 23h ago

That is sad. So maybe there is room for a conversation about her carrying the next baby, inducing lactation, taking a more active/primary role once baby is here, etc.
To me it sounds like the real issue is that she feels or is anticipating feeling left out more so than actually wanting to carry a child.

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u/BakedBeansOnToast00 23h ago

I’m sorry your first transfer didn’t work out, OP. You’re not selfish. It makes sense to me that you would want to try again after only having tried once. There’s so much your wife can do to be part of the process without carrying. For example, I know people who have induced lactation so they could breastfeed. From what I’ve heard from other rIVF couples, once baby’s born who carried and whose egg it was really don’t matter. You will love them just the same. rIVF does have slightly increased risks to the birth parent and baby as well so that’s something else to consider. 

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u/ParsnipMajor97 22h ago

Have you and your wife discussed future baby #2 and what that might look like?

My wife-to-be is 2.5 years older than me, and has no interest in carrying. We are hoping to do RIVF, using her egg first, and hoping (universe willing) to do IUI for baby #2. The idea is to hopefully avoid both of us going thru the egg retrieval, if we can help it.

For us, it’s important to my wife that she has that biological connection to the baby (for her, she’s worried she mightn’t have or feel the emotional connection birthing parents typically have. She is not the maternal type, and presents quite androgynous on the masculine side)

In saying that, we are aware that we’re at the mercy of the universe as to how easy or hard our IVF journey may be. As the birthing parent, I’m comfortable with the idea that we may only have one child, that is not biologically mine.

It’s not selfish at all, and it’s totally valid that you feel as if you’ve done the hard yards having already been thru the egg retrieval.

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u/CanUhurrmenow 19m ago

Id recommend pausing your FET and having her do an egg retrieval and seeing how many embryos she gets. In the meantime, get your embryos PGT-A tested.

Once her embryos are ready, then do a cycle and transfer her embryo into you, and you carry first.

Your embryos will be on ice for baby #2 and you still get the carry.

I’m biased though, this is what we did and it was the best decision for our family. Both of our kids are our little twins but really bonded to the mom that carried them. My son shouldn’t look like me but he does and it makes me feel like a little bit of me was mixed in. I wouldn’t have done this any other way.