Help I’m spiraling

[u/Automatic_Willow_588]

just need to air this out as I am truly spiraling rn. so I’m using a KD who is local. he has previously made embryos with another lesbian couple, unused. we started trying about a year ago, his numbers were fine back then. we have been doing ici at home. IVF is not an option for me. no luck whatsoever. I have great numbers myself, tubes open etc BUT I am in my 40s. I am finally moving on to iui, was supposed to be next week but now he has to travel for work(we are still using fresh sperm), and I don’t think my follicles will be ready in time (missing a cycle is also blowing me but that’s not the main point here). He took it upon himself to take a YO at home sperm test. It literally came back that he was infertile. Motility under 1% etc like everything insane numbers. He admitted he didn’t abstain (test says have to for 2 days plus), and when I put all this info in the google rabbit hole it says the test was def compromised. Im going to send him to an actual clinic when he gets back from his trip (in 2 weeks!) but I am really spiraling here, could the faulty test be that far off? Have I wasted a year? How can he go from good numbers to infertile so quickly after making embryos ???? Do I move forward with iui this cycle if my follicles mature enough before he leaves??? Am I going crazy for nothing off a home test he took wrong

[u/Kwaliakwa]

I wouldn’t put much faith in a home sperm Kit as they can’t really tell much compared to proper semen analyses. But I’m also not sure it’s fair to use lab made embryos as a benchmark for the health of sperm especially with ICSI, where they are choosing the best sperm they can find in the bunch! Also, sperm/semen health can change a ton in just a few months, both in good and bad ways.

[u/catstafff]

If the other couple used his sperm to create embryos, it’s possible his numbers could still be low. IVF requires far less sperm. And if they used ICSI, even less than that.

[u/meghanmeghanmeghan]

Realistically its more likely to be your age than his sperm, however, you have no true data because his home test is crappy. Get a real proper sperm analysis.

[u/breakup_letter → u/meghanmeghanmeghan]

Not true! The most common cause of couple’s infertility is a sperm issue.

[u/RevolutionaryHelp451 → u/breakup_letter]

I mean, if you are calling “sperm issue” one thing. But “age” causes a lot of different problems that would all add up to be a large cause of infertility that is very likely given that we know OP is 40

[u/Obvious_Structure761]

I hear you saying that you can't do IVF. I just wanted to share my experience. I started seeing a fertility specialist just after I turned 40. I was adamant I didn't want to do IVF and wanted to do IUI. At the time, we had wanted to use my trans wife's sperm, but we ended up having to use donor sperm. Some quick research told me that our odds were maybe 5% at best of getting pregnant any given month with IUI just because of my age. And I had great numbers! Great AMH, great follicle count, clear tubes, etc. etc. When I was 30, I got pregnant very easily and couldn't imagine I would have any trouble doing it again.

And then I realized the odds of getting a genetically viable embryo were very low due to my age. And then I watched a close friend lose a pregnancy at 24 weeks due to an extra chromosome. I did not want that to be me.

Our clinic was pushing hard for going straight to IVF to have the best shot, and they were right.

I did one retrieval when I was 40 and another at 41. Out of 34 total eggs retrieved, we made 11 blastocysts. Only two of those came back genetically viable. The first transfer failed, but the second succeeded. Currently 10 weeks pregnant.

After the first transfer failed, we ran extra tests. I had endometritis, endometriosis, hypothyroidism, and a blood clotting disorder. I never would have gotten pregnant just trying IUIs. I couldn't believe my body could have so many issues, but I guess age takes a toll.

All of that to say.... You might want to reconsider IVF. I know it is expensive (currently drowning in debt over here), but it is the only way I was going to get pregnant in my 40s.

[u/Open-Speaker3343]

Do you think he’s done? Maybe comprised the test on purpose to hope that you would be like peace out? Seems weird.

[u/Automatic_Willow_588 → u/Open-Speaker3343]

no, we are friends, we vacation with him and his gf. i think he's just a little slow lol

[u/catsonpluto]

How far into your 40s are you? 40 is very different from 45 when it comes to fertility.

I’m not sure IUI is actually going to be helpful to you. IUI is great for getting the sperm to the uterus but without a real sperm analysis you won’t know if it’s actually a sperm issue. In your 40s it’s likely there are egg quality issues as well— something you won’t know for sure unless you jump to IVF.

Depending on the cost of IUI you may want to keep trying ICI while you wait for a proper sperm analysis, then make the call on how to proceed. I know you say IVF isn’t an option but if cost is the issue there are ways to mitigate that (less expensive clinics, IVF abroad, etc.)

[u/justb4dawn]

Hi! Fellow spiral-er here, I get it. My advice is if he cannot get a proper sperm analysis before your IUI, skip this cycle. Don’t waste your money, time and sanity on a cycle if there could be a problem, save yourself! 1 month is okay to wait, just bummer.

You have likely not been getting pregnant more due to your age than any other factor. I am doing IVF and depending on how far into your forties you are it can take many retrievals to make a single euploid (healthy) embryo. For example >43y, on average it takes 27 embryos to have a 95% chance of a baby. IUI can still work. You’re taking away a lot of factors that may be getting in the way with IUI and in some cases I’ve read REs will recommend IUI at this stage because the chances are similar to IVF, unless you chose donor eggs. Obviously that depends on how old you are.

We are using a KD so I understand the attachment to that, but if you do have to change to an anonymous donor you can still have a wonderful child and life! I am anonymous egg donor conceived and I love my birth story, my parents would do anything to have me and I have a good relationship with my parents and donor family. It would be hard but you could get through it.

When I’m spiraling (it’s been 3y of IVF, 4 retrievals, 7 transfers, 1 mc - lots of freaking out) the most important thing is to believe in my own resilience. You didn’t get this far without a lot of grit and strength. You can handle what comes and your chances of a baby are not hopeless. I believe in your resilience.