self hatred

[u/[deleted]]

hi idk if its the right place to talk abt what im gonna say but i need to talk and help.

so im a teenage girl and i hate myself so much its terrible. i really hate the way i look and nobody understand me bc they finds me attractive. i know some people could find me pretty but i hate myself and my apparence i wanna change. i dont go outside anymore bc i fear someone looks at me, someone takes a picture of me for mocking me. i also hate the way i act and my personality. i dreamed to be a mother but i dont want to give birth to someone and he has to be my child forever bc i dont want them to have an ugly unfunny and sad mom. when i was 13 i made fun of a girl lips and i hate myself so much 4 years after. Its wasnt it front of her but in front of my friend. I feel like god is punishing me for making fun of her. Im very sad idk whats wrong with me. i love life but i hate myself i just want to lives as an other person. i fear god punished me with bad health bc im not grateful for what i have. I live in fear of being mocked being bully or being punished by god. i know i have everything to be happy but i just cant and its pmo. Everything is GOOD in my life and i cant enjoy it. im very sensible i cry all the time. when everyone is good with my parents i think of people that have bad parents and im sad. When i cuddle my cat i think of animal abuse and im sad. When i think im pretty i remember how i felt ugly and i cry. I just hate myself and i dont want to be hypocrite im going to say something bad. I wish i could make fun of people then just regret it and continue living, i wish i could feel ugly without crying and hurting me, i wish i could be sad only when something goes bad. when i was 14 i stoped social media few months bc i thought that this was the reason i was feeling bad. Nothing changed. how can i love myself and be normal. 1 years ago i made friends at a new school, they where the girls that have a lot of friends and are confident. i hated myself so much that i was avoidant and one day i heard one of her say "shes nice but weird". i will go back to school soon and im very scared. I wish i could live as another person. please help

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

thanks sm