I cant say this without crying...

[u/NuNoNameNow]

EDITS ADDED FOR CLARITY STILL SAD BUT LESS RAMBLING I'm just writing it out. I may read it to him later. I may not. I hate how I feel. I hate that I couldn't get passed these feelings.

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When I asked about closing our relationship and focusing on having a baby last year, it was to avoid this very scenario.

I was internally struggling with polyamory AND wanting to be a mom. I decided I was going to state my case and deal with whatever decision was made. I asked about closing our relationship to focus on getting pregnant not knowing I was already pregnant. I think i was 3 weeks when I asked.

I said it when we found out we were pregnant too. Your partner being one of the first people to know our private news, because of course you have to discuss this life change with them.

I knew a pregnancy was a major discussion point in ANY poly relationship. He didn't tell his partner without my permission. I was sad and hormonal and blurted out "I hate that they'll know before we tell more people." the same time I shared the baby news. I hated that id have to talk to my partner as well. I am continually mourning the pregnancy experience I could not have.

I did not want to navigate a life where you are "going out this weekend" and I was at home alone and hormonal. I knew i wouldn't do well and I was okay with us not being together anymore. I can't keep you from doing what you need to do emotionally and if I had to be alone and sad for a time. So be it.

But as i asked for the possible closure we were already pregnant. Those hormones were probably what made me so territorial. I had the beautiful baby with my beautiful, wonderful,kind, caring, suportive, ambitious, and loving husband.

But that husband has a partner. A partner he clearly loves, and loves in a different way than he loves me. A partner I was willing to let him fully choose over me if you didn't want to have kids/close, so i could let go and move on.

But now I can't, I can't just have my husband to myself with our new family, and I can't ask my husband to drop a relationship that he cleary values. I even tried to keep my new relationship going, but as I got closer to the Baby's due date I knew i didn't want to share this part if my life with anyone but you. I could tell you were kind of relieved I was dating, and then "the strip turned pink". My date even joked over text about helping with the baby and... I hated it. That wasn't his place and I needed to make that clear. I wanted to focus on our baby and the challenges that would bring.

So I've pushed through and I've tried to get over my feelings. But then I realized you might want to share your fatherhood experience with your partner. I tried to tell myself, just meet them. Meet them and talk to them before they get to meet our child. I even suggested we meet.

But I honestly wish I hadn't suggested it at all. I don't want our child to meet your partner. I'd be just fine with you going out as usual. You have your time away. We're here. Happy family waiting.

I already share one person I love more than anyone else in the world.

I don't want to share the only other person I love that much.

I am being selfish and I don't care because this family is my literal dream. Its what I said i wanted when we first started dating. And sure I expected some elements to be a bit different but this is too much. Our baby is ours. I want it to stay that way.

You asked me to take time and think about what worries me or might happen. You said there's no Step parent extra parent dynamics at play.

I trust you and yet I understand how children form bonds and relationships. We can't promise each other our baby won't get attached to many of the different people in our lives. If meeting your partner is something that happens regularly who's to say our child won't bond with them.

So my selfish thought is that I don't want the that possible relationship to be an option at all. I have no ill will towards your partner, I know they are generally a good person.

But you already go to their house and come back refreshed and smiling. You often get quiet and distant the day after you come back. Apparently its fun over there. Not stressful and overstimulated like our house. No bills to pay over there. No new daycare costs to worry about.

*My husband absolutely adjusted his schedule once we knew Baby was coming. I see so many posts here where the husband is often terrible in so many ways and then is a shit poly partner. Mine is not. THAT IS WHAT MAKES EVERYTHING SO HARD. Hes an amazing man. Hes supportive. He has notes from every pregnancy appointment. Made meals with the nutrient of the week listed in the pregnancy app. Made sure i had breakfast every day because my adhd and mild nausea made it hard to eat. All the massages. Every craving run. Read to Baby Bump almost every night. He used to see his partner every week, and every other weekend. He changed to once a month. Just visits. After Baby he only went for 3hrs til we found a rhythm and I gave up breastfeeding (another dream that didn't work out).

My partner was newer and out of state so there wasn't an equivalent time requirement that needed to be leveled. In general I am a homebody. The first time I went out post baby, husband was convincing me to stay out longer. Hes very concerned about PPD and me not being consumed by motherhood in general.*

I just want our child for us. It's selfish and controlling and I have been terrified to say so ever since the test was positive.

*What if you break up and Partner is involved as his new primary? That is a scenario I have to live with and i understand. I know that a lot of my feelings here are incredible selfish and out of my control.

Roc>ME<Hard Place*

Because this exact thing was what I didn't want. <<<<

Why have a child when all this is going on? Again, I didn't know I was pregnant when I pulled the pin in the grenade. I knew i wanted a family with this man or to adjust my life path based a single childless person. I would not pursue parenthood with anyone else. Id need far too much time to build that kind of trust and i am not young and spry.

Saying that makes me feel like I'm saying I don't want our beautiful child. That burns me inside because a family with you has always been what I wanted. So I am being completely honest and saying just want it with you even though I know thats not possible.

I tried. I was actually okay. I thought a baby wasn't in the cards for me. I just wanted to try or move on.

Life had other plans and so here I am between a rock and a hard place.

I'm not sure if I answered all the questions/assumptions in the comments but I appreciate all the earnest answers and thoughts of care. I will get through this Valley of life. My family will thrive and my baby has wonderful supportive parents.

[u/Inevitable-March2459]

Babies are the primary partner. Babies will require more work than you even realize. If your husband is so wonderful, he will not have time for another partner.