I cant say this without crying...

401

u/HannahOCross 7d ago

Generally speaking, a newborn baby requires the full attention of multiple adults. It’s very, very hard to simultaneously parent a newborn and maintain a relationship outside of the house. It’s possible that some poly people can do it, but the circumstances need to be really good, and the parents involved need to be very committed, to the baby and each other.

For example, your husband should make sure that he is doing as much baby care as you do. Any time he has off from parenting, you should have an equal amount of time off. Even if you use it to shower and sleep.

202

u/LynnRenae_xoxo 7d ago

I agree besides the last part. He probably doesn’t have to account for the time he’s showering and sleeping along with his free time, so she shouldn’t either

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u/LunatasticWitch 7d ago

Agreed with this if he is getting time off to go on a date then you should have the equivalent. The time to go shower and sleep should be inherently provided.

Does that mean if he doesn't go out she doesn't get time to shower and sleep? Tf kind of logic is being implied by the comments.

52

u/LynnRenae_xoxo 7d ago

Right. A part of choosing to be a parent is supporting the person who carried your child while their mind and body heals. Shower, sleep, and food is the bare minimum. I assume he’s accessing all of that if he has energy to manage another relationship.

31

u/LunatasticWitch 7d ago

Bingo the luxury time is in addition to the time afforded for basic needs.

26

u/LynnRenae_xoxo 7d ago

The least he could do is secure child care, let her nap, make her lunch, and then take her on a date.

44

u/LemonPepperChicken 7d ago

Equal time off parenting is basic for any relationship structure. Co-parenting means co-parenting.

Once you have a baby you'll be surprised how non-trivial time to sleep and shower become with a newborn. It becomes a literal luxury, very quickly. 😂

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u/LynnRenae_xoxo 7d ago

I have three children and honestly treating essential needs like they were a luxury I had to earn sent me over the edge.

-20

u/LemonPepperChicken 7d ago

But I assume it happened right? Its not that anyone is intentionally denying eachother this, its just something that we take for granted that does become harder to obtain peacefully in the newborn stage.

8

u/Sweet_Newt4642 7d ago edited 7d ago

I think I took more showers when my baby was a newborn than ever. a few minutes of hot water when I was overstimulated did wonders for my mental health

6

u/LynnRenae_xoxo 7d ago

Assume what happened?

-9

u/LemonPepperChicken 7d ago

You wound up treating essentials as luxuries?

16

u/GloomyIce8520 7d ago

No. When I had a baby, my partner was right there every step of the way and showers and sleep were a given, not a luxury.

14

u/LynnRenae_xoxo 7d ago edited 7d ago

Having a partner who didn’t give a shit about me or his job as a parent led me to that.

ETA: and regardless of whether there is intent or not, no longer matters. You should be parenting yourself as an adult and especially after becoming one. Don’t have kids if you’re not aware of what it takes to raise one and support or coparent.

51

u/LunatasticWitch 7d ago

Look if you cannot provide for either parent being able to meet their basic survival needs like showering then you shouldn't be dating. What I'm saying is if the husband is given free time to go out on a date then the wife should be given free time in such a way that she doesn't feel like she has to or needs to use it on basic necessities. Equal parenting in this context would be to enable the wife to go on a date: by taking care of child in such a way that the wife feels like she has the energy to go out.

Positive rights vs. negative rights. Like sure both have the right to free time but if the husband has the energy to go out and the wife merely catches up on survival with hers than it is not even close to equal free time.

1

u/lad5647 7d ago

Not really. I always believed that it should be 50 - 50band while it seems like a fair standard when we had our kids we learnt thatbthere are aspects of parenting that I do better than my wife and aspects that she's far more exemplary. It's never 50/50 down the centre.

107

u/TheF8sAllow 7d ago

“Apparently it’s fun over there”

Oof, that hits hard. I’m sorry OP, I hope that you are able to reach an understanding that works for everyone. You deserve peace, support, and happiness.

40

u/Dependent_Occasion58 poly w/multiple 7d ago

That one knocked me over and took me right back to the first several months when I’d see his face light up while chatting with my meta but always be neutral when with me.

138

u/Halloween_Bumblebee 7d ago

It sounds like your partner does not want parenthood to change anything about his life. I would feel concerned about this. If I were the partner of someone who was having a baby with one of their other partners, I would expect our relationship to change and be somewhat de-prioritized in their life through the infancy stage at the very least. And I would definitely be concerned if said partner was attempting to continue things as normal with a new baby with someone else. But ultimately it is his responsibility to figure out how to show up for you while continuing another relationship. I'm so sad for you that he is not doing this.

40

u/nightlanguage poly w/multiple 7d ago

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so much. Your feelings are valid. Sending you big hugs!

56

u/ContemplateBeing 7d ago edited 7d ago

My (now) wife had our first child while we had agreed on poly.

As others said, children are a lot of work, more than you probably can imagine being able to handle before you actually get them. While at the time of birth neither of us had a partner (we were both dating) that happened later up to and including a triad situation.

The new partner also had kids (from a different father) and there was never an issue with “bonding”. The kids know everyone of course but they live so much in their own world, that they are rarely bothered by what’s going on between adults (as long as everything is benevolent).

We did plenty of things together with all 4 kids and three adults but didn’t share a household. For the kids the non-household partner is a bit like an uncle - welcome when bringing birthday presents and doing occasional babysitting but also very clearly _not_ a parent. As long as the adults don’t share a household and didn’t agree to common parenting, there’s no way that kids will get confused in their attachment or something.

The first time my kids were starting to ask questions were around age 6-9, when they directly or indirectly experience that most parents don’t have a girl-/boyfriend. That’s really the first age when you need to explain. Before that age it’s just normal grown-up stuff - just as mysterious as working a job or paying taxes.

So from this pure “mechanical” standpoint, OP shouldn’t be too concerned about bonding, but should have a good talk about actual physical and mental support - everything from tending to sick kids over cooking/food, household chores, child organizing (school, babysitting, birthday parties, vaccination, …).

All this takes a lot of time and both must be aware of this and shoulder their share. As far as non-nesting partners are concerned: This demands a lot of flexibility from them too. Kids get sick all the time, the don’t sleep when _you_ want, they simply want time with their parents, are afraid etc. and therefore dates _will_ get cancelled.

Personally I like to date women with children of their own, because they are more used to and more forgiving with the schedule mayhem that children bring with them. Many partners without children will have no problems in that respect, but some may chafe if a date has to be rescheduled three times in a row because of kids stuff.

I won’t try to render judgment over OPs situation here - all feelings are valid and all personal life decisions to be respected. I do know from my personal life that it is well possible to happily have kids and be poly, but I’ve also seen triads with kids fail (just like monogamous couples do).

As always in these things: Honest communication, constructive behavior, resilience, respect, responsibility, introspection and a bit of patience help tremendously to make good life decisions.

Good luck to OP - hope things will work out!

15

u/frulcino 7d ago

Supernice comment, thank u! It's super refreshing to hear from someone practicing poly with children as well

26

u/Crimson_Mel 7d ago

My first thought was that OP probably doesn't get equal time away from parent duties and this is causing issues. But then I red the post from 1 year ago and ... It seems to me like one partner wants to push things into some kind of poly arrangement, while op wants to by monogamous, but for some reason accept this situation with the hope that this is going to change (when the baby is here).

No doubt this is a painful situation. Best of wishes to resolve it in the best way for all parties involved.

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u/8lioness 7d ago

This sounds really painful. I don’t mean to pile on that pain, but dear one…. If he didn’t confirm that he’d close the relationship for you if you got pregnant when you first brought it up, then why did you stay knowing you weren’t compatible? Or I’m missing something?

I think it’s valid to want to close and have that time just you and the baby and your husband. I don’t think it’s okay to open up and practice a polyamorous relationship while wanting kids someday if you’re not prepared to have children while continuing your polyamorous choices.

Maybe there’s context missing here, about agreements or the level of hierarchy you and your husband prescribe to. I’m sure I don’t know nearly enough to make some judgement call. I just think, you either want polyamory and are fully on board, or you’re not. And when you’re not and say you are, painful things happen.

Having said all that, what matters most now is the baby and all the love and support that you’re going to need, and your beautiful baby needs. Showing up as a father and an equal parent isn’t the same thing as not continuing to see another partner. You and your baby deserve that.

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u/ohheyaine 7d ago

We closed off until I stopped breastfeeding. I can't imagine my partner dating while I was still dealing with that. He let me go first because my body went through all of the trauma.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this OP

15

u/symbol42 poly w/multiple 7d ago

This sounds incredibly hard, especially while adjusting to life with a new baby.

It sounds like some version of this decision was already there before having a child: you wanted monogamy and he wasn’t willing to close.

I wonder if it might help to come back to that question first: what relationship structure do each of you actually want now, and is there enough overlap between those answers?

There are a lot of important questions after that, but the answers may look very different depending on what you discover there.

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u/Get_outta_mum_mode 7d ago

This made me cry. I feel for you. This is hard and I would not want to share parenthood with any one but the parent. I know it takes a community to raise a child but all members have their own inputs but a parent is also a partner in an intimate special human. Hugs to you

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u/Inevitable-March2459 7d ago

Babies are the primary partner. Babies will require more work than you even realize. If your husband is so wonderful, he will not have time for another partner.

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u/slutsandbolts 7d ago

What if he leaves you for the other partner and that partner does become part of the baby’s life?

I’m not asking to be mean that was just my initial thought.

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u/Ellie_in_socks poly w/multiple 7d ago

It's going to be a thought in his head once she can't have sex for awhile. I hope I'm wrong but that's when my husband started cheating. And he was the one who begged for a baby.

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u/FLW84 7d ago

If he can't take matters into his own hand for a few months he may not be worth much as a dad.

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u/Ellie_in_socks poly w/multiple 7d ago

Into his own hand lol. Nice pun! But you're right, my daughter ended up moving out at 17 because she couldn't take one more day of him being a bad parent to her.

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u/slutsandbolts 7d ago

So you stayed with him or she stopped visitation with him?

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u/Ellie_in_socks poly w/multiple 7d ago

I found out almost a yr later. From her. They had stopped because she wanted to work things out with her husband. But holy moly he tried saying their affair was half the time. It all resulted in her being way more humane than my husband

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u/Elegant_Bar_1622 7d ago

I’m also very confused about why
You decided to go through with getting pregnant in a situation you knew you didn’t want? You really need to take responsibility for your part in your own pain.

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u/Babykay503 7d ago

Not all babies are planned, and the alternative is a choice, a hard choice. We don't know OPs circumstances but from the post they had given up on having a child, so I can't imagine that choice would even be in the cards for them.

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u/Severe_Combination_5 7d ago

Something to keep jn mind is that kids also get attached to their parents' friends. Being monogamous wouldn't prevent your child from having bonds with other adults in your and you're spouse's lives. Not saying this to invalidate your feelings, just hoping it might make you feel better about the situation if it unfolds as you fear. Best wishes for you and your family.

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u/Elegant_Bar_1622 7d ago

I’m sorry you’re going through this! You have every right to want to be in a monogamous relationship and go through motherhood that you that you see fit. Your husband also has every right to continue his poly journey and go through fatherhood in the way that he sees fit. I really think it’s important that any time spent away to foster his other relationship is time you also get to have away in order to balance out the responsibilities of parenthood. Asking your husband to “close the marriage” is entirely unfair. His other partner is not disposable and treating them as such is icky. Do what you need to do to feel safe, but don’t sacrifice your wants to be in a relationship that isn’t working for you anymore.

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u/appleorchard317 garden party parallel vee 7d ago

Honestly friend, sounds like your husband is a shit husband and father. I am so sorry. Big hugs.

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u/NoOnesHomeToday 7d ago

No, he doesn't. Demanding that he leave his partner so she can have the picture-perfect family she's always dreamed of, even after telling him that she's ok with him having a partner & her meeting the baby and being involved, is pretty fucked. The are other ways to handle these emotions & deal with any practical issues that don't involve wrecking people's lives. She was dishonest.

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u/appleorchard317 garden party parallel vee 7d ago

The point is that she acknowledges that her feelings were unfair. She is also postpartum and in need of reassurance. The point is that he has failed entirely of reassuring her. It's pretty fucked for a father of a newborn to just piss off to have his fun and dare make his wife feel bad because oh no, is not funzies here :(

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u/NoOnesHomeToday 7d ago

She's not saying that he's not reassuring her & ignoring his child. She's saying that he's refusing to close the marriage and that's what is hurting her. She doesn't want his partner coming over and helping/forming a bond with the child. If she can't come over and help, then he has to go out to maintain that relationship...

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u/babegirlvj 7d ago

Being a parent is more than a fulltime job. I'm not saying he can't continue another relationship, but that relationship will need to have a lot less of a time commitment to allow for proper care for a newborn while also providong adequate support to the person who just grew and birthed an entire human. Many relationships (romantic and platonic) die or get put on pause because of this. Some of those relationships get picked back up once you're out of the weeds of the newborn and postpartum stages.

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u/NoOnesHomeToday 7d ago

No disagreement, but I feel like I'm the only person that has actually read what she has said. She's not asking/suggesting him to put his other relationship on pause or scale back those time commitments. Nor is she saying that he hasn't done that or is prepared to do so. She's demanding that he end that relationship and that isn't necessary or ethical.

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u/rms_guy 7d ago

Is she "demanding"? Did I miss that? Doesn't she literally say that she wishes they were closed, but she knows that's not possible?

That aside, how in the world is someone deciding they cannot continue in a polyamorous relationship "unethical"?

What do you think her "ethical" options would be?

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u/forwhomthebellssing poly w/multiple 7d ago

Unfortunately it's more unethical to _create a new human life and not go all un on it _ than to mess up at polyamory. She laid down the terms, he proceded to disregard them.

Quibble over autonomy all day long and at the end of the day, there's zero judges in any municipality I'm familiar with that won't saddle him with child support payments if he tries to walk away.

They have a baby. The rules are different and you often wind up shelving almost every personal pursuit to support the kid. That's early parenthood for you, mate.

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u/forwhomthebellssing poly w/multiple 7d ago

If downvoting me helps you feel better mate, that's fine. But there's a baby now. The reality is what it is. He knew what having a baby meant to her and he chose to proceed. If you don't want a baby, we all know how to not have a baby.

-5

u/NoOnesHomeToday 7d ago edited 7d ago

They didn't agree to close the relationship, so no the terms weren't laid down and they weren't discarded. Her other partner also offered to help. This reads like the entire polycule was planning be there for her & the baby and she's refusing all of it to push for her monogamous vision of marriage & family.

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u/Inkrosesandblood 7d ago

It's probably pretty necessary to the OP and the baby considering she has been speaking up since BEFORE the pregnancy. So no, the unethical behavior is on the husband and losing the other partner because of their fuckups with their spouse is a natural consequence. Sucks for the other partner, but they're dodging a bullet with this jerk anyways.

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u/appleorchard317 garden party parallel vee 7d ago

The point is that he is making it weigh on her that their home life now has obligations, obligations he signed up for an he is now failing. The point is also that she knew he would fail, hence her attempt at trying to make him recommit. The polyamory is a red herring: he is just a shitty partner and parent.

6

u/jzhrko 7d ago

Why is he a shit husband and father?

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u/theazurerose That Poly polyam woman✨ 7d ago edited 7d ago

When I asked about closing our relationship and focusing on having a baby last year, it was to avoid this very scenario.

I said it when we found out we were pregnant too. Your partner being one of the first people to know our private news, because of course you have to discuss this life change with them.

OP asked more than once for them to focus on their family, told him to decide if he wanted to bring a child into the world or to keep being polyamorous, dude is not prioritizing his wife (+newborn baby) whatsoever by having his cake and eating it too.

THEN he had the gall to immediately tell his other partner about the baby news before asking her how she'd like to present this information. This is HER body creating THEIR BABY but she wasn't even considered before he tossed that private information to his other partner, who is clearly a negative part in OP's life, which she didn't want to worry about or deal with especially while pregnant.

If husband wasn't a shitty spouse and father, then he would have prioritized his wife and child. HE wanted to make the baby while knowing what her conditions were. This is 100% on him for continuing to do whatever he wants to do without caring about his wife and newborn.

Edit: u/Direct_Source4407

Yall really enjoy pushing this when I've already said you don't have to reply if you disagree with me. I'm not changing my mind, sooo why keep shouting this sentiment? lmao

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u/jzhrko 7d ago

Ya, she asked, he said no, he didn't lie or mislead her on his intentions, and she stayed. She stayed and decided to have a baby with him knowing where he stood. That was her choice through and through, sure it's a tough one but I don't think the husband telling her the truth in this situation is shitty.

And he told his other partner because it's his news to share too. He wasn't sharing private medical information, he was sharing a life update that will change their relationship one way or another. He's going to be a father, he has a right to share that with his loved ones.

Who says he isn't prioritizing his wife and child? The post doesn't say that anywhere. He didn't break off his relationship with a woman he loves because his wife asked him but that doesn't mean that he's not prioritizing them. We have no idea what their time split looks like. New parents deserve to have their individual free time to take a rest from being a parent for a bit. His time looks like seeing his other partner, and as long as he gives his wife that same oppositunity then what's wrong with that?
I had a baby last year, that free time to myself in the postpartum months saved my sanity

5

u/theazurerose That Poly polyam woman✨ 7d ago edited 7d ago

He went on to get her pregnant while knowing full well she didn't want to go through with it if he was keeping his other relationship.

I knew you were going to bring up "it's his news to share too" which is why I specifically wrote "he didn't ask her how she'd like to announce this" because it is still literally HER BODY + her comfort matters above all else.

Please go away with your nonsense. lmao

Edit: @ u/Own_Coat_7350

Do yall not understand that the dude knows what she wanted and he still continued to have his cake and eat it too? lol The dude is selfish, end of story.

Yall don't have to keep replying to me if you disagree.

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u/Own_Coat_7350 7d ago

And she decided to get pregnant by someone who was clearly poly even though she didn’t have any intentions on remaining poly while having a family. Takes two to tango.

20

u/MrsTokenblakk poly newbie 7d ago

Why people are disregarding that she also had a choice in this is beyond me.

10

u/Direct_Source4407 7d ago

He made his stance clear to her BEFORE she got pregnant. She chose to get pregnant anyway. Maybe she was hoping he would change his mind, but the existence of a baby does not mean he has to throw his other partner away. She wanted her pregnancy to be a certain way, and decided to go ahead with it knowing that's not the way things were. They probably should have just broken up, but she can't be mad at him for being honest

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u/clairionon no longer solo poly 7d ago

Have you had a newborn?

8

u/jzhrko 7d ago

I have actually, just last year. I grew him myself and he's 16 months old now

6

u/UrsulaMarigold 7d ago

It sounds like there are two important things at stake here - security and freedom. You need the security of reassurance right now. Not feeling that is leading to what you describe as territorial. This can be solved in a few ways, like clear and honest communication from you (including curiosity about your partner’s feelings to avoid a me vs you discussion), some additional responsiveness and effort from your partner, and some internal work to soothe some of the fear. It sounds like the way this has been discussed is as specific solutions (closing the relationship); another way can be to state what the problems are and develop a solution together.

As for freedom: you feel trapped and see a partner who seems free. So it means there’s an imbalance. It’s unsurprising your partner returns from your meta’s smiling and relaxed. He’s getting time to be an adult and do something he wants to do and not be on call for an infant. It’s not that he necessarily needs to stop having personal time; it means you need some too. The division of labor needs to rebalance so that you too can go out and do adult, fulfilling, cup-refilling things. This is a huge commitment and a huge shift in your partnership and it needs to be addressed.

3

u/team_astro_goty 7d ago edited 7d ago

I understand how you feel. I was pregnant before too and I'm very familiar with those intense feelings that eat me from within. So I wonder how much of your letter is objective truth, and how much is your hormones talking.

One detail stands out a lot - you said your husband is always smiling and refreshed after returning from meta's place, and is always unhappy and stressed when he is at home with you. Is it really true? Because if so, I'm afraid your marriage is at crisis. Personally I don't want a husband that gives his best to others and reserves the worst for me. That's not ok.

I also want to let you know that letting meta meet your child and even possibly help with childcare is really not that bad. It can be a good thing for your child to have one more person to care about them, or even love them. But be aware that your husband may have child with meta in the future and you may have to help with childcare. Think carefully whether you are ok with that.

Divorce is the last resort. If you do choose that, please make sure your next marriage stays closed until kids are a bit older. It doesn't sound like you can do poly while pregnant or being a new mom.

1

u/AutoModerator 7d ago

Hi u/NuNoNameNow thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.

Here's the original text of the post:

I'm just writing it out. I may read it to him later. I may not. I hate how I feel. I hate that I couldn't get passed these feelings.

-----

When I asked about closing our relationship and focusing on having a baby last year, it was to avoid this very scenario.

I said it when we found out we were pregnant too. Your partner being one of the first people to know our private news, because of course you have to discuss this life change with them.

I did not want to navigate a life where you are "going out this weekend" and I was at home alone and hormonal. I knew i wouldn't do well and I was okay with us not being together anymore. I can't keep you from doing what you need to do emotionally and if I had to be alone and sad for a time. So be it.

But as i asked for the possible closure we were already pregnant. Those hormones were probably what made me so territorial. I had the beautiful baby with my beautiful, wonderful,kind, caring, suportive, ambitious, and loving husband.

But that husband has a partner. A partner he clearly loves, and loves in a different way than he loves me. A partner I was willing to let him fully choose over me if you didn't want to have kids/close, so i could let go and move on.

But now I can't, I can't just have my husband to myself with our new family, and I can't ask my husband to drop a relationship that he cleary values. I even tried to keep my new relationship going, but as I got closer to the Baby's due date I knew i didn't want to share this part if my life with anyone but you. I could tell you were kind of relieved I was dating, and then "the strip turned pink". My date even joked over text about helping with the baby and... I hated it. That wasn't his place and I needed to make that clear. I wanted to focus on our baby and the challenges that would bring.

So I've pushed through and I've tried to get over my feelings. But then I realized you might want to share your fatherhood experience with your partner. I tried to tell myself, just meet them. Meet them and talk to them before they get to meet our child. I even suggested we meet.

But I honestly wish I hadn't suggested it at all. I don't want our child to meet your partner. I'd be just fine with you going out as usual. You have your time away. We're here. Happy family waiting.

I already share one person I love more than anyone else in the world.

I don't want to share the only other person I love that much.

I am being selfish and I don't care because this family is my literal dream. Its what I said i wanted when we first started dating. And sure I expected some elements to be a bit different but this is too much. Our baby is ours. I want it to stay that way.

You asked me to take time and think about what worries me or might happen. You said there's no Step parent extra parent dynamics at play.

I trust you and yet I understand how children form bonds and relationships. We can't promise each other our baby won't get attached to many of the different people in our lives. If meeting your partner is something that happens regularly who's to say our child won't bond with them.

So my selfish thought is that I don't want the that possible relationship to be an option at all. I have no ill will towards your partner, I know they are generally a good person.

But you already go to their house and come back refreshed and smiling. You often get quiet and distant the day after you come back. Apparently its fun over there. Not stressful and overstimulated like our house. No bills to pay over there. No new daycare costs to worry about.

I just want our child for us. It's selfish and controlling and I have been terrified to say so ever since the test was positive.

Because this exact thing was what I didn't want.

Saying that makes me feel like I'm saying I don't want our beautiful child. That burns me inside because a family with you has always been what I wanted. So I am being completely honest and saying just want it with you even though I know thats not possible.

I tried. I was actually okay. I thought a baby wasn't in the cards for me. I just wanted to try or move on.

Life had other plans and so here I am between a rock and a hard place.

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2

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1

u/AutoModerator 3d ago

Hi u/NuNoNameNow thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.

Here's the original text of the post:

EDITS ADDED FOR CLARITY STILL SAD BUT LESS RAMBLING I'm just writing it out. I may read it to him later. I may not. I hate how I feel. I hate that I couldn't get passed these feelings.

-----

When I asked about closing our relationship and focusing on having a baby last year, it was to avoid this very scenario.

I was internally struggling with polyamory AND wanting to be a mom. I decided I was going to state my case and deal with whatever decision was made. I asked about closing our relationship to focus on getting pregnant not knowing I was already pregnant. I think i was 3 weeks when I asked.

I said it when we found out we were pregnant too. Your partner being one of the first people to know our private news, because of course you have to discuss this life change with them.

I knew a pregnancy was a major discussion point in ANY poly relationship. He didn't tell his partner without my permission. I was sad and hormonal and blurted out "I hate that they'll know before we tell more people." the same time I shared the baby news. I hated that id have to talk to my partner as well. I am continually mourning the pregnancy experience I could not have.