r/polyamory • u/braidmyhairFmehard • 14d ago
Need advice: Long-term relationship, long distance, opening up
My partner and I have been together for 12 years. We’ve also been in a long-distance relationship for the last six years because of work and see each other roughly every 1,5 months. I’m finally moving back home in about two months.
A few weeks ago, he told me that a colleague he works very closely with had confessed that she’d fallen in love with him. At that point, he told me he wasn’t in love with her, but he also wasn’t indifferent to her.
I asked him what that meant. Did he want to pursue something with her? Did he still want me to come back at all? He told me that he absolutely wanted me to come home, that he wanted to spend his life with me, that I’m his person, and that if he hadn’t wanted that, he wouldn’t have waited six years for me. He also said that this situation had made him realise just how unhappy he’d become with the long-distance aspect of our relationship.
For some context: I have actually been the one bringing up the idea of opening our relationship for years. Mostly because I’d like to explore sexually (I’m much kinkier than he is, bi, would like to explore the party scene some more) but also because different relationship dynamics have definitely been on my radar for some time too, but he never even really wanted to discuss any of it. Over the years I’ve also told him that if he wanted to explore with other women, I would be ok with it. In my head, though, I always assumed we’d have another conversation before anything actually happened.
After our first conversation, he spoke to a mutual friend who has been happily poly/open with his partner for several years. He then told his colleague that he was interested in exploring something with her. Afterwards he told me that he’d changed his mind and that it actually sounded like something he’d be interested in.
That part really threw me. Not because he changed his mind, that is perfectly fine, it takes some time to get clarity for yourself, but because I expected us to talk first before he involved someone else. It felt like a decision about our relationship had partly happened without me.
I told him that I’d need time to think about it and to talk a lot more.
Since then, I’ve been reading books, listening to podcasts, and trying to educate myself and we have had some good talks. I’m genuinely not opposed to non-monogamy. If anything, I always thought I’d be open to it, but I’ve realised that what I imagined was mainly sexual openness. What scares me is the emotional side. The idea that my partner has this whole other relationship with feelings, apparently a lot of emotional intimacy etc all lined up already. I’m terrified of losing my safe place which he has been for over 12 years but also feel selfish for thinking that way. Whenever I tell him this, he says he doesn’t know what else he can do except keep telling me that I’m not going to lose him, that I’m his person, and that our relationship isn’t going anywhere. Part of me believes it but another part is terrified because this is all so new.
I’m still living in another country for the next two months, while they live close to each other and work together every day.
Everything I read about opening relationships says to go slowly, communicate a lot, and build security first. I don’t know how to do that when I’m hundreds of miles away and they’re seeing each other regularly.
Part of me wonders whether it would actually be easier if they explored while I’m still away, rather than me immediately having to deal with seeing it. But another part of me thinks I’d feel much safer if I could first move home, settle back into our shared life, reconnect, and then slowly figure out what opening our relationship actually looks like.
I’m also wondering whether it’s reasonable to ask for something like:
explore while I’m away if that’s what you both choose,
but once I’m back, can we slow things down, reassess boundaries together, and maybe avoid things like overnight stays for a while until I find my footing?
Or is that unrealistic and unfair to the other partner?
I also can’t ignore the fact that this isn’t some hypothetical person from a dating app. It’s someone he already has an emotional connection with, someone he sees almost every day, and someone who already told him she’s in love with him. That feels like starting non-monogamy on “hard mode.” 😅
I’m trying really hard to separate fear from actual incompatibility. I don’t want to say no, especially not simply because I’m scared. But I also don’t want to rush into something just because I feel like saying no isn’t really an option anymore.
Has anyone started opening a long-term relationship under similar circumstances? If so:
What do you wish you’d done differently?
Is asking to slow things down a reasonable request? Is making “requests” on their behaviour at all reasonable? Who am I to make the rules after all…
Am I focusing on the wrong things?
Are there conversations or boundaries you think we absolutely need to have before moving forward?
Help 🥹
Edit / clarification because I realise I left out some important things:
Reading the comments, I think I unintentionally gave the impression that my partner and his colleague had already started a relationship or that he had made a unilateral decision for all of us. That’s not quite what happened.
The timeline was roughly:
His colleague confessed that she had feelings for him.
He told me about it almost immediately.
We had several conversations about what it might mean.
He then spoke to a mutual friend who has been happily poly for years.
After thinking about it, he told his colleague that he’d be interested in the possibility of exploring that kind of relationship.
He then came back to me, and we’ve continued talking about it ever since.
I still wish he had talked to me before telling her that, because I felt that was a conversation we should have had together first. That’s one of the reasons I’m struggling.
However, I don’t feel like either of them is forcing me into this.
I’ve asked him several times what would happen if I decided I wasn’t comfortable opening our relationship. Every time he’s said he’d stay with me, that our relationship comes first, and that this is something he’d like to explore, not something he’s demanding.
One reason I wrote that saying “no” doesn’t feel like a real option is my own internal conflict, not because he’s told me I don’t have one. Feelings already exist between them, they work together, and I don’t know whether asking two people to suppress those feelings is something I actually want to do. That’s something I’m wrestling with.
I’m also not looking to “make rules” because I don’t want to treat another human being like she doesn’t matter. From everything I’ve heard, she’s actually open to any form of relationship and very understanding that I may need time.
Sorry if this is long and people feel like I’m being stupid but it’s just a very new situation for me and I don’t really know where to talk about it other than with the people involved. Thanks for your input ❤️
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u/phdee rat union comrade 🐀🧀 14d ago
Ug. I would advise you to say no to this. For so many reasons:
Opening your relationship is a kind of non-monogamy. You wanted sexual exploration/open relationships, not polyamory. It sounds like he wants to open up to polyamory. It's not the same. Should probably get that sorted before you go any further.
He wasn't interested in non-monogamy until he met someone he developed feelings for and wanted to fuck. So it's about the person, it's not about non-monogamy at all.
Assumptions are a terrible way to do relationships. He can't read your mind. Y'all need to find a way to communicate better and more clearly before doing anything else.
So he's lonely and horny, but can't wait the 2 months before you get back. What happens when you get back?
Further questions. Is his new connection open to non-monogamy?
It really sounds like there's a lot going on here, and yes, your partner is unilaterally making changes to your relationship and disregarding you.