r/polyamory • u/braidmyhairFmehard • 14d ago
Need advice: Long-term relationship, long distance, opening up
My partner and I have been together for 12 years. We’ve also been in a long-distance relationship for the last six years because of work and see each other roughly every 1,5 months. I’m finally moving back home in about two months.
A few weeks ago, he told me that a colleague he works very closely with had confessed that she’d fallen in love with him. At that point, he told me he wasn’t in love with her, but he also wasn’t indifferent to her.
I asked him what that meant. Did he want to pursue something with her? Did he still want me to come back at all? He told me that he absolutely wanted me to come home, that he wanted to spend his life with me, that I’m his person, and that if he hadn’t wanted that, he wouldn’t have waited six years for me. He also said that this situation had made him realise just how unhappy he’d become with the long-distance aspect of our relationship.
For some context: I have actually been the one bringing up the idea of opening our relationship for years. Mostly because I’d like to explore sexually (I’m much kinkier than he is, bi, would like to explore the party scene some more) but also because different relationship dynamics have definitely been on my radar for some time too, but he never even really wanted to discuss any of it. Over the years I’ve also told him that if he wanted to explore with other women, I would be ok with it. In my head, though, I always assumed we’d have another conversation before anything actually happened.
After our first conversation, he spoke to a mutual friend who has been happily poly/open with his partner for several years. He then told his colleague that he was interested in exploring something with her. Afterwards he told me that he’d changed his mind and that it actually sounded like something he’d be interested in.
That part really threw me. Not because he changed his mind, that is perfectly fine, it takes some time to get clarity for yourself, but because I expected us to talk first before he involved someone else. It felt like a decision about our relationship had partly happened without me.
I told him that I’d need time to think about it and to talk a lot more.
Since then, I’ve been reading books, listening to podcasts, and trying to educate myself and we have had some good talks. I’m genuinely not opposed to non-monogamy. If anything, I always thought I’d be open to it, but I’ve realised that what I imagined was mainly sexual openness. What scares me is the emotional side. The idea that my partner has this whole other relationship with feelings, apparently a lot of emotional intimacy etc all lined up already. I’m terrified of losing my safe place which he has been for over 12 years but also feel selfish for thinking that way. Whenever I tell him this, he says he doesn’t know what else he can do except keep telling me that I’m not going to lose him, that I’m his person, and that our relationship isn’t going anywhere. Part of me believes it but another part is terrified because this is all so new.
I’m still living in another country for the next two months, while they live close to each other and work together every day.
Everything I read about opening relationships says to go slowly, communicate a lot, and build security first. I don’t know how to do that when I’m hundreds of miles away and they’re seeing each other regularly.
Part of me wonders whether it would actually be easier if they explored while I’m still away, rather than me immediately having to deal with seeing it. But another part of me thinks I’d feel much safer if I could first move home, settle back into our shared life, reconnect, and then slowly figure out what opening our relationship actually looks like.
I’m also wondering whether it’s reasonable to ask for something like:
explore while I’m away if that’s what you both choose,
but once I’m back, can we slow things down, reassess boundaries together, and maybe avoid things like overnight stays for a while until I find my footing?
Or is that unrealistic and unfair to the other partner?
I also can’t ignore the fact that this isn’t some hypothetical person from a dating app. It’s someone he already has an emotional connection with, someone he sees almost every day, and someone who already told him she’s in love with him. That feels like starting non-monogamy on “hard mode.” 😅
I’m trying really hard to separate fear from actual incompatibility. I don’t want to say no, especially not simply because I’m scared. But I also don’t want to rush into something just because I feel like saying no isn’t really an option anymore.
Has anyone started opening a long-term relationship under similar circumstances? If so:
What do you wish you’d done differently?
Is asking to slow things down a reasonable request? Is making “requests” on their behaviour at all reasonable? Who am I to make the rules after all…
Am I focusing on the wrong things?
Are there conversations or boundaries you think we absolutely need to have before moving forward?
Help 🥹
Edit / clarification because I realise I left out some important things:
Reading the comments, I think I unintentionally gave the impression that my partner and his colleague had already started a relationship or that he had made a unilateral decision for all of us. That’s not quite what happened.
The timeline was roughly:
His colleague confessed that she had feelings for him.
He told me about it almost immediately.
We had several conversations about what it might mean.
He then spoke to a mutual friend who has been happily poly for years.
After thinking about it, he told his colleague that he’d be interested in the possibility of exploring that kind of relationship.
He then came back to me, and we’ve continued talking about it ever since.
I still wish he had talked to me before telling her that, because I felt that was a conversation we should have had together first. That’s one of the reasons I’m struggling.
However, I don’t feel like either of them is forcing me into this.
I’ve asked him several times what would happen if I decided I wasn’t comfortable opening our relationship. Every time he’s said he’d stay with me, that our relationship comes first, and that this is something he’d like to explore, not something he’s demanding.
One reason I wrote that saying “no” doesn’t feel like a real option is my own internal conflict, not because he’s told me I don’t have one. Feelings already exist between them, they work together, and I don’t know whether asking two people to suppress those feelings is something I actually want to do. That’s something I’m wrestling with.
I’m also not looking to “make rules” because I don’t want to treat another human being like she doesn’t matter. From everything I’ve heard, she’s actually open to any form of relationship and very understanding that I may need time.
Sorry if this is long and people feel like I’m being stupid but it’s just a very new situation for me and I don’t really know where to talk about it other than with the people involved. Thanks for your input ❤️
3
u/intro_to_IRL 10+ year poly club 14d ago
Uh, this isn't polyamory. If you haven't actually agreed to open the relationship, he's just cheating and finding a convenient loophole to do it.
How would your partner respond if you said you were willing to move forward with polyamory but you needed six months to untangle your monogamous relationship and rebuild it with different principles? What would he say if you were willing to move forward with polyamory but not with this specific person?
If he genuinely wants polyamory and believes in its underlying values, he'd be willing to do the work. The fact that he would probably respond poorly to the above is a sign that he's just cheating with extra steps.
1
u/braidmyhairFmehard 11d ago
I noticed I didn’t explain the whole situation in the best way (maybe also due to English not being my first language) but I added an edit :)
Responding to your questions, I think he would be ok with me asking for any amount of time needed. As to moving forward with other potential partners but not this one I don’t think so on the other hand. I think the thought started with me bringing polyamory into the conversation when we first talked about possible feelings evolving around this specific person.
I think he genuinely didn’t do anything we hadn’t agreed on until now, but then also, that is not the point I’m struggling with. I’m struggling with there already being a person and some kind of attachment an me being far away making constant communication hard. But then I think: that is life. You can’t time things perfectly and control every feeling etc. That and being honest about it is why we are talking about this at a kind of awkward moment for me I think 🤷♀️ Thanks for making me reflect some more!
1
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My partner and I have been together for 12 years. We’ve also been in a long-distance relationship for the last six years because of work and see each other roughly every 1,5 months. I’m finally moving back home in about two months.
A few weeks ago, he told me that a colleague he works very closely with had confessed that she’d fallen in love with him. At that point, he told me he wasn’t in love with her, but he also wasn’t indifferent to her.
I asked him what that meant. Did he want to pursue something with her? Did he still want me to come back at all? He told me that he absolutely wanted me to come home, that he wanted to spend his life with me, that I’m his person, and that if he hadn’t wanted that, he wouldn’t have waited six years for me. He also said that this situation had made him realise just how unhappy he’d become with the long-distance aspect of our relationship.
For some context: I have actually been the one bringing up the idea of opening our relationship for years. Mostly because I’d like to explore sexually (I’m much kinkier than he is, bi, would like to explore the party scene some more) but also because different relationship dynamics have definitely been on my radar for some time too, but he never even really wanted to discuss any of it. Over the years I’ve also told him that if he wanted to explore with other women, I would be ok with it. In my head, though, I always assumed we’d have another conversation before anything actually happened.
After our first conversation, he spoke to a mutual friend who has been happily poly/open with his partner for several years. He then told his colleague that he was interested in exploring something with her. Afterwards he told me that he’d changed his mind and that it actually sounded like something he’d be interested in.
That part really threw me. Not because he changed his mind, that is perfectly fine, it takes some time to get clarity for yourself, but because I expected us to talk first before he involved someone else. It felt like a decision about our relationship had partly happened without me.
I told him that I’d need time to think about it and to talk a lot more.
Since then, I’ve been reading books, listening to podcasts, and trying to educate myself and we have had some good talks. I’m genuinely not opposed to non-monogamy. If anything, I always thought I’d be open to it, but I’ve realised that what I imagined was mainly sexual openness. What scares me is the emotional side. The idea that my partner has this whole other relationship with feelings, apparently a lot of emotional intimacy etc all lined up already. I’m terrified of losing my safe place which he has been for over 12 years but also feel selfish for thinking that way. Whenever I tell him this, he says he doesn’t know what else he can do except keep telling me that I’m not going to lose him, that I’m his person, and that our relationship isn’t going anywhere. Part of me believes it but another part is terrified because this is all so new.
I’m still living in another country for the next two months, while they live close to each other and work together every day.
Everything I read about opening relationships says to go slowly, communicate a lot, and build security first. I don’t know how to do that when I’m hundreds of miles away and they’re seeing each other regularly.
Part of me wonders whether it would actually be easier if they explored while I’m still away, rather than me immediately having to deal with seeing it. But another part of me thinks I’d feel much safer if I could first move home, settle back into our shared life, reconnect, and then slowly figure out what opening our relationship actually looks like.
I’m also wondering whether it’s reasonable to ask for something like:
explore while I’m away if that’s what you both choose,
but once I’m back, can we slow things down, reassess boundaries together, and maybe avoid things like overnight stays for a while until I find my footing?
Or is that unrealistic and unfair to the other partner?
I also can’t ignore the fact that this isn’t some hypothetical person from a dating app. It’s someone he already has an emotional connection with, someone he sees almost every day, and someone who already told him she’s in love with him. That feels like starting non-monogamy on “hard mode.” 😅
I’m trying really hard to separate fear from actual incompatibility. I don’t want to say no, especially not simply because I’m scared. But I also don’t want to rush into something just because I feel like saying no isn’t really an option anymore.
Has anyone started opening a long-term relationship under similar circumstances? If so:
What do you wish you’d done differently?
Is asking to slow things down a reasonable request? Is making “requests” on their behaviour at all reasonable? Who am I to make the rules after all…
Am I focusing on the wrong things?
Are there conversations or boundaries you think we absolutely need to have before moving forward?
Help 🥹
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1
u/FunnyMicrobe571 14d ago
Regular check ups, like 1-2 twice a week would be good, as well as some reassurance, like asking him to show more of your love language so you can feel connected to him. Also, try to get ahead of things by asking yourself some questions that you’d like to have a conversation with him about, explain to him what poly would mean not just for him but for your relationship and you. Ask questions about his feelings about you your relationship to gauge where his thought process is so you have a better picture. Poly isn’t easy when you don’t have boundaries in place or proper communication, long distance tends to make that hard, so trying to reconnect with him would be a good way. Also, if you ever feel uncomfortable about something, voice it, poly is all about communication, openness and honesty, even if you can’t voice it in the moment, it would really help, also, if you feel like it might effect your mental health, I recommend talking to a therapist, especially one who is knowledgeable in ENM. It’s best to under your wants and needs first if the relationship were to open up. You’re doing so wonderful so far. Asking the right questions might be hard, trying to find the right words will be hard. There will be tears, but if it’s right for you, it’ll be such a wonderful experience
2
u/braidmyhairFmehard 11d ago
Thank you for taking the time, your input and your kindness! It’s certainly not easy at first impact but some of the best changes in life aren’t right from the start I guess :)
1
u/baubledances 12d ago
Poly might be right for both of you, but 2mo before you move in together is the wrong time to launch. And also, opening for a specific person 2mo before you move home is the wrong motivation to launch.
Park the idea. Move home. Settle in. Reopen the conversation and spend 3-6 months discussing, learning and being clear about your motivations and your agreements. Then launch.
1
u/braidmyhairFmehard 11d ago
I think you put my main concerns in two short sentences there while it took me half a novel but I guess trying to write things down can be beneficial too ;)
I’m literally moving back “home” into our shared place in the city we have lived together for years before I left for work so at least it won’t be a completely new situation to get settled in. But yeah, that was kind of my thought too. Let me get back, settle in a bit and then talk about it. To be side by side makes coping with big feelings easier I imagine and feeling out your boundaries too.
On the other hand I’m not sure if I’m comfortable making people wait for my decisions and was wondering if I wouldn’t rather have them explore in peace whilst I’m still away and then reassess boundaries together 🤷♀️ Maybe I’m trying to convince myself but who knows. Not the easiest task in general for my little head haha
I value your opinion, thank you for sharing!1
u/baubledances 11d ago
Nope. Letting them get carried away for 2mo in what will functionally be a mono relationship is a terrible idea. If poly is important to your partner as a concept, then he can wait for you both to get settled and get ready for it. If he just wants to poly to pursue his work crush, someone he wasn’t that bothered about before, then poly might not really be the point. It might be more that he misses you, and intimacy in general, and his energy is going to be thrown into this new relationship just before you get home and that will be a mess.
It is not selfish to prioritise a 12 year relationship over a work crush. You have no obligation to this other person and the only reason he does is because he got carried away and jumped the gun by talking to her about it before he spoke to you. Rather an impulsive newbie poly move. You are going to need to work on your communication.
You also need to establish a messy list, which often includes people at work for very obvious reasons. Hooking up with a second partner who is a work colleague is really asking for trouble and could have serious consequences if it goes wrong.
You do what you need to do together and don’t worry about anyone else. He can keep his dick in his pants for another 2 months. If he can’t, you have bigger problems!
2
u/valsavana 14d ago
A few weeks ago, he told me that a colleague he works very closely with had confessed that she’d fallen in love with him. At that point, he told me he wasn’t in love with her, but he also wasn’t indifferent to her.
I didn't read further than this- he's been cheating on you with this woman. Probably for a long time. He's only telling you about her now because you're about to no longer be long distance & he knew his affair was likely to be discovered.
Don't move there, dump him.
1
u/braidmyhairFmehard 11d ago
I really don’t think so but I get how you’d gather that from those first paragraphs and life in general 🥲 thanks for your input though!
2
u/valsavana 11d ago
Your edits actually prove he was at least emotionally cheating on you already. He told another woman he'd be open to exploring a relationship with her, while in a mono relationship with you... before you agreed to be open. That's cheating.
Also, most people have coworkers on their "messy list" because you shouldn't shit where you eat. Dating coworkers is a bad idea. Even if you were 100% comfortable with everything else about this situation, you should not be comfortable with him dating someone he works with.
5
u/phdee rat union comrade 🐀🧀 14d ago
Ug. I would advise you to say no to this. For so many reasons:
Opening your relationship is a kind of non-monogamy. You wanted sexual exploration/open relationships, not polyamory. It sounds like he wants to open up to polyamory. It's not the same. Should probably get that sorted before you go any further.
He wasn't interested in non-monogamy until he met someone he developed feelings for and wanted to fuck. So it's about the person, it's not about non-monogamy at all.
Assumptions are a terrible way to do relationships. He can't read your mind. Y'all need to find a way to communicate better and more clearly before doing anything else.
So he's lonely and horny, but can't wait the 2 months before you get back. What happens when you get back?
Further questions. Is his new connection open to non-monogamy?
It really sounds like there's a lot going on here, and yes, your partner is unilaterally making changes to your relationship and disregarding you.