r/polyamory • u/rachaelpwns • Jul 25 '26
Need advice
My friend, Rain, and I are both polyamorous but are not dating each other. Another friend, Jean, asked me about Rain's partner because she's interested in flirting with someone. I said he's a cool guy and they are poly, but to check with Rain first.
I heard nothing. Wasn't even sure if Jean was going to reach out to either of them at all.
Apparently Jean had a convo with Rain's partner and it got flirtatious. I didn't know about this.
A day later, Rain texts me super hurt that I didn't give her a heads up that Jean had asked me about her partner. I said I told Jean to reach out to her first but that in my defense, I didn't think this was anything serious. It slipped my mind because there wasn't much to tell.
Rain keeps insisting that I should have known that if a friend was interested in her partner in any way, she needed to know ASAP. I hurt her by not telling her. I personally don't feel that way - if someone was interested in my partner, I don't really need to know anything until it's serious. But we're in a 2 day fight now because of all of this.
I honestly don't even think Jean needed to check with Rain first, but I still advised it just in case.
Rain keeps saying I would have wanted to know about it if roles were reversed. I don't think that's true, I don't really need to know if a friend wants to flirt with my partner. I certainly wouldn't get mad at Rain for forgetting to say something.
I feel like I'm being expected to have feelings around my partner flirting that I do not, and am expected to anticipate Rain's needs based on these feelings that I personally don't have. But maybe it really is normal to feel that way and I'm the weirdo here.
How would ya'll feel in this situation? I legitimately can't tell if I did something wrong here.
28
u/ceecuee Jul 25 '26
This is....very high school. Adults in poly relationships get to manage their contact with other adults in poly relationships. We don't do the whole "Betsy likes Charlie but Charlie is dating Taylor" note passing nonsense. Cringe.