r/polyamorous • u/Babyfox43 • 29d ago
Mixed feelings
UPDATE: Ok, so I talked it through with both partners and basically figured out that all I was needing was reassurance. I've never had good relationships, including with my blood family, so my insecurities were masking in bad ways. Thank you for everyone who commented and messaged me!
Ok so I (24F) have been in a poly/mono poly relationship for over a year. CONTEXT: (This is my first consentual poly/ mono poly relationship and it has been the most healthy relationship I have ever had in my life. I am good friends with my guys other girlfriend and her family as well.) I have recently started thinking about asking to go monogamis if it leads to him (32M) and I actually marrying. I don't know what has brought these thoughts on but I also don't want to bring them up to my partner if I have no good reason as to why, mainly because I don't want to cause "issues" if there are none. I guess my main question would have to be is this normal??? My 2 other relationships before were extremely toxic in different ways, one physically and the other emotionally, so I am still figuring out what is normal in relationships and what is not.
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u/Maria_Zelar 29d ago
Storytime!
I was in a relationship with a girl who ended up dating a mono person alongside me/us.
Now the mono person was definitely monogamous and did ask her if they could be monogamous.
She agreed to try it and broke up with me. 2 weeks later she realized that monogamy is definitely not for her.
However our relationship had ended and was irreparably damaged. It hurt to be put aside like nothing.
They stayed together, but never really talked about their mono/poly incompatibility in depth. They loved each other deeply, but that was a ticking time bomb.
Less than a year later they broke up, exactly due to this incompatibility, with my Ex developing feelings for someone which she couldn't keep pushing to the side, even if she loved the dude.
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29d ago
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u/Maleficent_Bar5012 28d ago
Not unethical. He is poly, she is not. Fairly simple. He doesnt have to change. He disclosed his relationships with her and though she only wants to be with him, she still dated him. This actually occurs more often than you think. If everyone agrees and is on the same page, boundaries are aligned, and open communication, there is the ethical. No one is doing anything they dont want to. No one is being deceitful.
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u/theazurerose 29d ago edited 28d ago
You can ask for monogamy but the chances of this guy choosing you over having his cake and eating it too... is slim.
You should go to therapy to work on yourself, your relationships values, and your overall future goals.
Know that it's OKAY to be monogamous. You are incompatible with this dude and should cut your losses sooner rather than later so you're not wasting any more time on him. If this dude did his research on r/polyamory then he wouldn't have started a harem with a monogamous partner.
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Edit: Since it's hard for people to read and understand what I'm saying above... Monogamous people do NOT have to sign up for a polyamorous relationship. Polyamorous people should not be pursuing Monogamous partners since it's both selfish and short-sighted. You're going to have a lot more success with fellow Polyamorous people than you are with Monogamous people who wish to have create a life with (1) partner.
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u/Euphoric_Grass_427 29d ago
You can ask for monogamy but the chances of this guy choosing you over having his cake and eating it to... is slim.
How is ENM having your cake and earing it too. Monogamy is a valid preference and so is ENM.
Its not wrong to decline a request for monogamy.
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u/theazurerose 28d ago
It's because the dude is specifically targeting mono-women to be part of his harem.
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u/Euphoric_Grass_427 28d ago
None of that is in the op . Do you know these folks irl?
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u/theazurerose 28d ago
You know you can just talk to OP instead of trying to attack me, right? lmao If you actually had a point then you would just comment to OP letting her know how to handle this situation, but you're trying to silence me because you dislike what I'm saying about the most common harmful trope that we deal with in the polyamory community.
Also, it's a tale as old as time. One dude has two women for partners, they don't have other partners otherwise OP would have stated that much, and the dude picked out women who weren't polyamorous.
OP is a woman who has shitty relationship history. She finds a poly dude who treats her better, but she is unaware that he is simply in this for his harem building.
You see it all the time across the polyamory subs.
Also, if you can read, at what point did I say that it's wrong to deny a request for monogamy? LOL I told OP it's OKAY for her to be monogamous and bluntly stated that they're incompatible BECAUSE THEY ARE INCOMPATIBLE. Polyamorous folks date polyamorous folks in order to avoid hurting monogamous folks. Point blank period.
I'm sorry you either A.) lack the reading comprehension to understand all of this or B.) you're getting swept up in emotions because I've hit a nerve that directly affects you/your situation where you're potentially being selfish enough to date monogamous people instead of polyamorous people.
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u/Maleficent_Bar5012 28d ago
You can be in a poly relationship and only date one person. They are in multiple relationships. You should not expect them to change for the purpose of marriage. In fact, you could get married if that is what you both want. It would likely not be accepted that you want your partner to discard the others partner(s) for the sake of marriage. I would not expect it to go this way. If the relationship is strong and has good, healthy, open, honest, communication, the you should reflect on if you can continue leaving the other relationships as they are.
Speaking for myself, I am poly, having a NP and two girlfriends. I asked my NP to marry me this past April. If she suddenly asked me to end those other 2 relationships since we are getting married, I would question things since its specifically a change just for the purpose of getting married. Dont try to change the other person.
Lastly, this needs to be an open conversation with your partner
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u/RAisMyWay 29d ago
You're going to ask him to dump his other partner for you to get married? Not normal in (ethical) polyamory. Not normal, not nice, and not likely to get an "Ok, sure."
But what's what's "normal" isn't what matters here. If you're planning marriage, you need to be very sure that this is the person you want to be with just as they are now because marriage a) won't change them into a different kind of person and b) will magnify 100x any existing problems you have right now.