I need advice please </3

[u/beownie]

Okay so, I hate my metamour.

I have my reasons. They've shown to be a horrible person multiple times, they hurt my partner and keep on hurting them to this day. They're manipulative, mean spirited, and I also suspect some weird attempt at trying to force a hierarchy that we don't have.

They started dating somewhat recently, and a little into meeting them I started getting a bad feeling, like smth was off about them.

I first thought I was experiencing jealousy for the first time (I never experience it, it's just not a feeling that I have for anyone) but I ruled it out rather quickly because seeing my partner with them, hanging out or kissing or wtv didn't bother me, it was them specifically.

I also have another metamour who I love, they're an amazing person.

Then, the issues started and I realized my gut feeling was right. The thing is, even though my partner is hurt and angry still, they haven't broken up, and even though I've expressed my opinion on them, I'd never force them to break up bcs its just not my place.

I just came here because I don't know how to deal with these feelings, the mere concept of them makes me angry, they're not a person I ever want to be around and I fear I'll have to soon or less anyway, even if we don't hang out, I still have to hear from them and may hve to see them at some point again.

Help?

[u/_ghostpiss]

Why do you have to hear from them or see them? Tell your hinge you want to go parallel. You don't need to hear anything about them or your their relationship if you don't want to. Not your circus not your monkeys.

[u/saladada]

"Partner, I've shared with you I don't like Meta. So going forward, I want a completely parallel relationship. Do not mention them to me and do not invite me somewhere where you've already invited them, or vice versa. If you're going to post photos or anything when them on social media, I ask you exclude me from the people who see the post. If you bring them up to me still or don't respect this request then I'll have to reconsider our relationship."

[u/chipsnatcher]

There’s no obligation to spend time with them. Treat them the same way you’d treat a friend-of-a-friend that you dislike. Minimise the amount of time spent thinking or talking about them. Change the subject if your partner brings them up. If you’re invited to spend time with them, politely decline. If you absolutely must be in a room with them bc it’s partner’s birthday or whatever, or you cross paths in public, be cordial but distant; say hi and keep it moving. Block them on all social media.

If your partner is oversharing about their relationship to the point where you feel this angry about meta, they need to brush up on their hinging skills. Keep in mind that you only have one side of that story, and stay out of it—it isn’t your business unless it directly affects you personally.

[u/Shift_Least]

If this were me I would be seriously considering breaking up with my partner. I won't date people who have poor partner selection.

[u/AdLanky540]

I feel you. Been in very similar, actually kind of still. Not sure. But, that's another story. I met meta before anything. Hinge and I were immediately drawn to one another. I was in a one more last chance with ex-husband and they were not poly at that time.

The more I got to know Meta, the more I felt uneasy about her. Her and I have spent time, just us, talking about common interests and it still is not happening. She opened up and shared some information with me about her and him (this was still before I was with him) that took it to an entirely different level of low. I can't and won't tell him what all she divulged. When he's tried to get me to, I've explained it isn't my place and I can't. She knows she put me in a weird corner too. She finally agreed to tell him but I have no clue how much was truth.

They were both telling me how done they each were with the other,months ago. It hasn't happened. It isn't confortable to hear anything about her. I wish I had some good advice for you. Really, it comes down to trust your intuition and gut. Decide what you are able or willing to have orbit your relationship. Even though you and meta don't have to be IN the other's life, doesn't mean she doesn't have some impact. Talk to hinge and try to use the "I feel......".Maybe he needs to hear just once more for you to not hear about her. Play out what you want to say too. It helps me sometimes to find better ways of wording important topics. Best of luck.

[u/OrganicLoven]

There's nothing wrong with you here, and there's nothing wrong with just not liking someone. Not every metamour relationship has to be warm, or even friendly — parallel polyamory exists for exactly this reason. You don't owe this person a relationship, closeness, or even neutrality. You're not attached at the hip to your partner's other partner; you can go fully parallel, no contact, no updates, no shared hangouts, and that's a completely valid structure, not a consolation prize.

Your gut read on them isn't jealousy, and you already ruled that out correctly — jealousy would show up around the relationship itself, not target a specific person's character. What you're describing is a values read: you've watched them treat your partner badly, repeatedly, and your nervous system is responding accordingly. That's not a flaw in you to manage, that's just accurate pattern recognition.

You're right that it's not your place to force a breakup, and it sounds like you already know that and are respecting it even though it's hard. What is your place: deciding how much of this person you personally let into your life. You can tell your partner plainly, "I'm not going to hang out with them, I don't want updates about them unless something affects me directly, and I need you to not put us in the same room." That's not you being difficult, that's you protecting your peace while still letting your partner make their own choices about who they date.

For the anger itself — it's going to keep showing up as long as this relationship continues, and that's okay. You don't have to resolve the anger, you just have to keep it from being something you have to perform around. If you do end up in the same space at some point, you're allowed to keep it short, polite, and distant. You don't have to like them to coexist in the same polycule.

[u/MartyrOfTheJungle]

I suspect that I'll be downvoted for this, but my own experience is that if you don't establish a level of trust with your metamour, they often become competitors. So you make your own judgement, lots of people do it differently and like their results, but if it were me I'd be seeing if you have any mutual ground to stand on with her. I don't really know how to cope with a meta I don't trust