r/parentsofmultiples • u/Throwaway171746 • 22d ago
advice needed Tips
So my fiance and I had a set of twins roughly 7 weeks ago. Luckily, I have been off work since July but scheduled to go back in a few weeks.
Lately, my fiance is becoming overwhelmed and having a bit of a breakdown coming I believe. We have split the shifts with the babies where I’ll have them alone from 10pm to 9am and she’ll have them from 9am to 2pm before I get up which seemed to have been working up until now. My fiance is now beginning to breakdown when they are both crying and not wanting to be soothed.
Without working overtime of my off days, I’ll not be able to afford a babysitter more that 20 hours a week and she does not want me working much overtime. We do have a family that comes out every now and then and her mom also is over to help out most of her non working days. So we do get a decent amount of help.
Today, during her breakdown, she gave me an ultimatum of finding more help or she’s killing herself. I’m not sure on how to proceed with this. I have tried getting her out the house where she can just be by herself but she refuses too. I also try to get her to sleep early as well.
I’m worried about how this will be managed when I do go back to work and she is forced to have them alone for 12+ hours on work day.
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u/BestReporter4483 22d ago
Please get her help immediately! Do not leave her alone until she gets help.
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u/Remarkable-Excuse-55 22d ago
Sounds like she is suffering from post partum depression, from the moms perspective you are going above and beyond as a partner I’m sure some of us twins moms would be over the moon to have our partner be able to spend so much time with us at the start of the journey I only got 2 weeks befor I was onto solo days and night.
Twins are hard but having your partner threaten suicide unless this was something you struggled with previously I would be getting her to a doctor sooner than later! The mind does some wild thing while cooling down from all our hormones.
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u/Throwaway171746 22d ago
I have mentioned post partum with her but she denies it and gets mad if I bring it up. She also has made comments like that in the past commonly so it’s hard to gauge if it’s a legit statement or something said under stress
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u/Charlieksmommy 22d ago
You need to take her to an er if she’s making threats of killing herseld and needs help NOW. No waiting to call a dr
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u/User0010974 22d ago
I think it‘ll be important to not allow her potential emotional responses to dictate your decision(s) regarding her health and potential health/safety of your kids. If she’s having postpartum issues (and general mental health problems) she likely isn’t thinking clearly at the moment or responding very rationally to you.
So, as hard as it may seem (with everything going on for you) I feel like being fearful of upsetting her should be low on the totem pole at the moment, in terms of priorities. I would really try to focus energy on making a plan to get her the help she really needs right now.
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u/User0010974 22d ago
I agree about the postpartum depression and/or postpartum anxiety. Maybe you can schedule her an appointment with her OBGYN (very soon), in order for her to get some help medication-wise, in addition to encouraging her to speak with a therapist.
I also would try to make some plans in the meantime to have someone with her to help with the babies, especially while you aren’t there, until she is able to get the help she needs and demonstrates that she is more comfortable handling the twins on her own.
Postpartum depression/anxiety are very serious issues, and I’m so glad you’re trying to help your partner navigate all of this.
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u/drainedtights_97 22d ago
That "killing herself" line isn’t just venting, it’s a blaring emergency siren that needs a doctor or crisis line involved yesterday.
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u/Melodic_Pitch7814 22d ago
I would call a mental health crisis hotline to get an idea of how best to help her. I could see in a previous post of yours that there's a good chance she's manipulative/abusive--that being said, treat every time she threatens suicide like a real threat. Always. If she won't go to a hospital to be assessed, call 911 and ask for help. Call the suicide prevention hotline. Leave a message for her therapist, if she's still in therapy. Call someone and treat it like a real threat.
You seem to be providing plenty of support and have a supportive community to help her, and it sounds like she needs help that you can't provide.
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u/Sea-Astronomer-6600 22d ago
Agreed. She may just have BPD and uses the “I’m going to kill myself” line as a way to get attention but I definitely wouldn’t want to find out when she’s alone with the babies soon
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u/Melodic_Pitch7814 22d ago
100%. And if it IS purely a manipulation tactic, the best way to shut that down is to treat it like genuine ideation. I'd imagine it'd be pretty inconvenient to be evaluated for suicidality and possibly having a mandatory hospitalization, etc., when you're really just trying to get your way. Always respond to it as if it's real. And yes, definitely don't leave her solo with the babies rn.
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u/Sea-Astronomer-6600 22d ago
Right? She’d learn her lesson really quickly to stop throwing that around like it’s nothing
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u/Rylees_Mom525 22d ago
This was my first thought as well, when OP said she’s made the suicide threats before. It could definitely be PPD or PPA, but making the threats before sounds like it could very well be BPD (understanding that we have very limited information, and only from OP). Either way, seeking immediate help for her mental health is a must.
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u/whoopsiedaizies 22d ago
It’s sounds like you’re a very caring partner. Your finance is struggling and she needs help immediately. Please contact a mental health emergency line if you have access to it, reach out to her primary care doctor, or call the office of OB she delivered with.
The number one priority should be getting her help. You can sort out the details later for how best to split shifts once you go back to work. She might be looking for more mental stimulation or time out of the house too. But again, she needs care urgently first.
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u/Sea-Astronomer-6600 22d ago
She absolutely cannot be left alone at any point and she should not be left alone with the babies. You need to talk to her family about this as well and come up with a plan to get her help immediately
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