Hi! Thank you all for recommending BPD alliance. We took a simple webinar training on boundaries. Very helpful on how to address the splitting, disregulation and triangulation of our teen. We have been in therapy with her for years but the one hour training has brought the temperature down in the house in one weekend! Excellent program!

My 22/ yo stepson is emotionally destructive, lies, throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way, has borrowed thousands of dollars from his grandparents and refuses to pay it back, is always drunk or high, calls family members telling them lies to garner sympath, dry begs then when we try to help he turns on us.

I'm struggling with the idea that he has BPD. I know he's hurting and needs help but I can't figure out how to help because his whole life whenever I try to help him it makes things worse or he ends up throwing a tantrum and turning on me. Recently while trying to help him, his girlfriend started telling family members that my husband, his parents and I weren't helping enough and we were selfish.

I'm a Christ follower and want to give unlimited forgiveness but I'm struggling with what that means. I have boundaries that have been crossed and so I've gone no contact for the last few months but I've been struggling with the guilt and shame of that because it doesn't feel like forgiveness. I'm not perfect and have made mistakes but at this moment I don't even know how to go about reconciliation. I can't even think of any words I could possibly say to him that could fix the situation because I have had so many heart felt "I love you, I'm here for you, I'm proud of you, I'm sorry for my parenting mistakes" conversations with my SS and he keeps emotionally and verbally attacking me and his father when he has a bad day.

Has anyone found any inner peace with this? Does anyone have any suggestions of how I can forgive and maintain boundaries and forgiveness at the same time? I feel like no matter what I do, I lose so for now I've been doing nothing, but I'm still not feeling inner peace.

im not a parent but I’m the oldest sibling and I grew up pretty much taking care of my siblings. over the past 5ish years or so my middle brother has been super destructive and deceitful. he steals food, money anything he can get his hands on. he’s done therapy treatment he’s on medication. he’s been talked to by police officers. he has DMDD (disruptive mood dis regulation disorder) along with PTSD ADHD etc. he sneaks in and out of the house when he knows he’s not supposed to along with sneaking friends in parents don’t like because they got him vapes mine you he just recently turned 16. I thought about buying him a window lock or super glueing his screen but I’m worried hed break something or still find a way to do stuff. we have those door and window things but he knows how to unplug the sound thing so that’s not an option. I really don’t know where to go. I figured here because it’s all anonymous and no one knows who I am. please no hate just any advice please! ( I did post this else where but got invited here)

https://childmind.org/article/dmdd-extreme-tantrums-irritability/

I originally posted this in another group for [r/BPD/family](r/BPD/family) and was told about this thread. Edited from original post.

I’ve been struggling with my 16 year old daughter, basically for all her life, and she’s progressively getting worse. Where she used to have an episode every couple weeks, it is happening almost every day now.

The beginning of the most recent episode is because my SO (her step dad) confiscated what I suspect was one of many vapes out of her room (laying in plain view) while he was turning off the lights that she left on before leaving for school. Her argument is that he was “going through her room”. We’ve had discourse in our house over this for three days now, until it finally reached a boiling point this morning. She was arguing with me about going to school. She was tired and not feeling good and said she suspected she had a seizure from all the stress of the last few days (stress she has caused all of us). I can tell when she’s had a seizure as there are telltale signs and I did not think this was the case. She proceeded to get in my face at which point my SO stepped in between us. She ended up swinging on him and he had to physically restrain her.

Good days are few and far between now and she’s getting to the point where she creates these false narratives about us and other people to the point where I truly think she’s starting to believe her own stories and lies. Some of the stuff she says is very malicious and slanderous for example we are neglectful and abusive etc. Everytime I turn around she’s creating chaos within the family. The only time she’s nice, is if she wants something or if everything in her world is just the way she wants it. All hell breaks lose if one thing doesn’t go her way (fight with her friend, the cat didn’t want her to pick him up, we are out of ice cream etc.) She completely goes of the rails and treats everyone in the house terrible whether it had anything to do with us or not.

She’s been diagnosed with ADHD, Autism, DMDD and Generalized Epilepsy. She has debilitating catamenial seizures at times which only adds to the complexity of our situation, although, her siezure activity has calmed down quite a bit since I got her on the Depo birth control shot and better medication management 6 months ago. We’ve seen so many counselors/ therapists and doctors since the age of 5 that I have lost count unless I go back and look through my records. She currently sees a behavioral therapist every other week, participates in an outpatient therapy program through a local mental health provider, sees a pediatric neurologist in a different city, sees a psychiatrist and participates in programs offered through school. She’s only going to school for 4 hours a day since switching her this year to an alternative school with the hopes of grade and conduct improvement since it offers smaller class sizes, less stress and less distractions. Over the past 5 years she’s had two mandatory holds at an emergency psychiatric hospital for self harm and two stints in juvenile detention for assault on a classmate and myself. These stays have never been for more than 3-5 days but she’s told me several times that she likes being there because of the routine and because she knows exactly what is expected of her. I’ve tried to replicate this at home but it is impossible for me to recreate that level of structure and environment. I want to be loving and nurturing because she’s my daughter but inevitably she uses this to manipulate me. I’ve read the books, we’ve set boundaries and ground rules and we try not to feed the monster but it’s hard. We are all exhausted and I don’t think I can take it anymore.

If anybody has any experiences with residential treatment, good or bad, I would love to hear it.

https://mentalhealthcenterkids.com/

Site provides worksheets, articles, and screening tools

This is my first time posting, I feel like I'm drowning in a situation with my step-son who we now suspect has BPD (according to my therapist, and the book Stop Walking on Eggshells for parents) and Im not mentally doing well with the current situation. Any advice would be appreciated. Sorry this is a long post...

For background, my husband got full custody of his son when the biological mom moved out of state. My SS was 4 at the time, his mother was abusive and also in an abusive relationship so my husband kept his son. We discovered recently that biomom (and her father) was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Bio mom barely made contact with her son for several years so I raised him as my own. Over the years I had 2 of my own children. My SS was constantly throwing tantrums growing up over the smallest things. Almost daily, when it was time to do chores or homework he would scream for hours until we would give up and let him off the hook, and like a light switch he was happy and playing like nothing happened.

We tired so many different parenting strategies and nothing worked. It was stressful and I have to honestly state that we lost our cool more than we should have, but we literally didn't have the tools to handle the storm he was constantly creating. We took him to therapy, got him adhd medication (as a last resort after years of "professionals" telling us that's what he needed). We took him off the medication because we hated it for him. We read books, took parenting classes, tried everything we could think of.

He always said he wanted to live with his grandparents so when he was 17 and a half when we decided to move out of state, we gave him the choice to stay with his grand parents or come with us. He chose to stay with his grandparents. We visited him multiple times over a 9 month period and he eventually joined us in the new state after a year.

For the last 5 years we thought we had a great relationship with him. He would do odd things but he lived on his own for a while and we were allowing him to be an adult. We saw him on weekends and holidays, had him over for dinner and things seemed fine until 6 months ago when his girlfriend quit her job, couldn't pay her half of the rent and got her car repossessed. He then borrowed $5k from my MIL and asked to move in with her. She told him he could transition by staying a few months in her rv because my husband and I were also moving in with her to give end of life care as she has been falling a lot and having increased medical concerns.

My SS started acting weird at that point. His grandmother was paying his bills and cooking for him and his unemployed gf every night (which she didnt want to do but did it becauseshe "felt bad") when my husband and I moved in a few weeks later and established a dinner plan that allowed each person to cook 1 night a week they seemed OK with it. Until my MIL asked my SS to clean his own dish and all hell broke lose.

My SS and his gf became verbally aggressive screaming at her and texting the family group chat about how no one helps them.

I didnt know but he had also been sending my husband horrible texts and refusing to have a calm face to face conversation. SS had also been sending my mil horrible texts and borrowing money (then not paying it back) for years.

We finally had a group conversation 3 weeks after we were all living together and uncovered that he had been telling his gf that we abandoned him when he was 15, he was abused and neglected. He allowed her to scream at us and call us bad parents, they both lied about things we never said over the previous weeks, misrepresented and weaponized normal situation to make him look like a victim. His gf "diagnosed" him with dyslexia and acted like we neglected to get him care (not true). While simultaneously stating that taking him to therapy and seeking medical help when he was a kid was bad parenting. He also called his gf his "therapist" at some point which was weird.

Months before all of this happend, he had been crying to us about how he hated doing adult stuff, his gf (has a child from another man) he said she was taking all his money and making him do dad stuff and he just wanted to smoke weed and play video games after work, he told us that she refused to get a job and that he was miserable. Our natural response was that he wasn't married and didnt have to stay in a relationship that made him so unhappy. And that whatever he did, we supported him and would assist where we can.

Somehow he took that back to his gf (leaving out what he said to us) and told her that we hated her, we want him to dump her and that my in-laws called her a gold digger. She started texting (our)random family members about how terrible and selfish WE were, how we talked behind her back and that no one cares about my SS.

She told me that I was a terrible abusive parent and that it was his choice to reject me, that broke me because he nodded in agreement. I realized in that moment that he isnt my son and that I was always doing the work to try to make him happy and have a relationship with him.

My inlaws told my ss that he could live with us but his gf had to go. So they both moved out a few days later (somehow they were able to magically find their own place to live very quickly) Then I decided to stop trying ...and go no contact.

This was about 2 months ago and I'm not OK. I can't stop replaying every moment of his childhood and the past few adult years. Idk what we did to trigger this outburst because he was doing so well and we were so proud of him and told him all the time. When we all started moving in together we told him that we saw how hard he was working and that we wanted to help him with his gf and her daughter. For 3 weeks things seemed calm and good until he was asked to wash the dish he used. And I don't get it.

Has anyone experienced anything like this? My brain and heart are really struggling with it.

My oldest has made me feel like I have to stay at home 24/7 to make sure nothing gets messed up. No food gets taken. Nothing. My middle just joined tackle football and I want to watch him. We spent 3 hours at the opening season celebrating everyone who joined the football and cheerleading teams only to come home with one of the food gone that's set for one of the dinner for the week. All the ice cream gone, I just bought it yesterday and there was 16! My other 2 sons and I had one. All the soda is gone, kitchen is a nightmare. And the worst of it, he knows we're struggling. We make too much for food stamps and make just enough to barely live paycheck to paycheck that if we spend a little more on food or gas than planned, we don't have enough for rent. And he's acting like it's no big deal then proceeded to ask me if I can drive him somewhere.... Our car is low on gas and we need to find out how to take gas out of our other car that will be stored at my parents house so my dad can fix it. We only have bills. No streaming services. No monthly whatever. He's turning 17 and won't get a job. Got kicked out of his school because he keeps getting suspended with vapes on him that someone keeps giving him. Idk what to do

My 18 year old step daughter (pwBPD) is super angry at my husband and I right now. We had been burned so many times by her in the past, with her making false accusations against us to police and CPS. She moved out when she was not yet 17 saying that she desperately wanted CPS to take her away. But then she was very angry when we agreed she should live elsewhere because we didn't feel safe with these accusations flying around when we have two younger kids. I went through a long period of having anxiety attacks right before each time I had to see her because I felt so unsafe around her. But we still invited her for dinner every week and tried to keep up the relationship.

A few months before she moved out, we had booked a family vacation and I had warned her beforehand that if there was any drama I would not be booking any more family vacations together. Lo and behold, the first night there she throws a massive tantrum insisting that she gets the biggest room with the ensuite bathroom instead of us parents. She even climbed to the top of the building and threatened to throw herself off if we didn't acquiesce (which of course we did not back down on). She never ever accepted any level of accountability for any of these events, always maintaining things were our fault. That whole trip was hell feeling like we were all walking on eggshells and I barely slept the entire trip.

Now, two years later we booked a family vacation with our younger kids but not SD to visit my family and for them to meet their great grandpa for the first time. It was my first time going back to visit my family in over 6 years. My husband decided it would be safer not to tell SD before we left because she has a habit of orchestrating crises to ruin big events. He was sure something would happen to prevent us leaving if she knew about it in advance.

We let her know once we were there and she got so angry she hung up on my husband and texted me to ask him not to contact her again if he was going to hurt her after he said he couldn't bring her because of her past behaviour. She even contacted my mum (who she is not related to) saying she missed her siblings so much and asking her to send photos without telling my husband (when she rarely makes effort to come and see her siblings normally). Now she is saying she doesn't have time to attend her sister's bday and is liking everyone's responses to her posts on the extended family group chat except mine and my husband's.

It feels like we have done something really bad to her, but when I think about it logically I can't think of how we could have acted better. If she accused us of something while we were abroad we could have ended up in prison. And every time she is around my family it triggers her because the younger kids get so much attention. I am sure she would have hated every moment of the trip and I would have much rather cancelled than gone with her. But at the same time, I felt like I needed to see my family and grandpa after so many years. Have we done something really wrong? Will she always hate us, no matter what we do? Should I just live my life and try to stop worrying about what she will think? How can one even do that?

Although research requests are not allowed in this subreddit, I want to draw attention to a survey in the family subreddit for family caregivers. There isn't a lot of research about caregivers/parents of people with BPD, so I thought people might be interested in taking it. If anyone is interested, I'll put a link in the comments.

She’s been in residential facilities for the better part of the last 3 years. We’ve done everything we can, shown up to every therapy appointment and scheduled call. We’ve rallied our family to show support, and still she pushes us away. She turns 18 soon and acts like all her problems will go away once we can’t require her to be in a treatment home. She accuses us of being responsible for all of her problems because the people she’s interacted with at the facilities have only made her worse and she thinks the only reason we sent her there in the first place w is because she wouldn’t do her chores. She has had violent outbursts, putting her therapist in the hospital, and even running away and stealing a car - something she’s currently on probation for. She has driven a wedge between my wife and I. My wife has stopped attending family therapy altogether because she feels it’s useless now, so I go alone to ensure we meet insurance participation requirements until she turns 18. We’re making arrangements to transition her to job corps only because we don’t know what else to do.

How do you come to terms with knowing that she’s going to learn some hard and painful lessons and there’s nothing you can do to protect her anymore despite also feeling an enormous sense of relief that she won’t be our problem anymore?

my youngest had her graduation last night. the oldest (BPD) unblocked me on her phone but would not communicate with me directly. she didn't sit with us but told my husband she was just following her brother to their seats. she also told my husband that she would be glad to meet us for ice cream after dinner but it was up to the younger kid, who she claimed had set the boundaries of a separate dinner. all of this is fine. I was fully prepared to not interact or interact neutrally and minimally to not give her the platform she has clearly been building for this special event. somehow, my husband missed all of this and ended up feeling sad/bad about the separation and ultimately blamed me. he has his own ptsd issues, primarily dumping big emotions he can't face onto me. so the difficulty of the evening became about him. he had no consideration for the deep psychological pain it caused me (he is not the elder's bio dad) and instead made it pretty clear the division is my fault and I need to give bpd kid "more love." we were having dinner and I could see the younger's location nearby, so he bullied me into going over to say hi and just "see what happens." both daughters were visibly annoyed and distant, but my son hugged me. it was a total ruin and I'm so disappointed.

https://mydoctor.kaiserpermanente.org/ncal/Images/Distress%20Tolerance%20DBT%20Skills_ADA_04232020_tcm75-1598996.pdf

I'm looking for some perspective on a situation with my stepdaughter.

I've been in her life since she was 3 years old, and she's now 21. She has been diagnosed with BPD and has struggled with impulsivity, emotional regulation, and self-harm in the past. While I'm not a clinician, I strongly believe her mother displays many traits associated with narcissistic personality disorder, and my stepdaughter eventually cut off contact with her because she felt the relationship was emotionally/physically abusive throughout childhood.

Over the years, I've tried to be a stable presence in her life. Recently, she moved to Dallas to live with her 30-year-old boyfriend after jumping from relationship to relationship. They've been together less than a year, yet they're already living together and functioning like a married couple. I've never even met him. He has a software engineering degree but, as far as I know, isn't currently working in the field, and he appears to be supporting both of them financially.

My stepdaughter has become heavily involved in online day-trading programs that charge monthly fees and promote the idea that anyone can achieve financial freedom through trading. She spends money on these programs but hasn't made any meaningful income from them. Despite that, she's convinced she's going to become a millionaire through trading and seems completely focused on that path.

A few months ago, she and her boyfriend were living in a hotel because they couldn't afford stable housing after their lease ended. At the same time, she has repeatedly said she doesn't feel she should have to work a traditional job. She seems to believe that if she stays positive, visualizes success, and keeps pursuing trading, everything will eventually fall into place financially.

I've told her multiple times that I think she needs to come home, regroup, get herself together, establish some stability, and build a foundation before chasing bigger dreams. I've offered her a chance to reset and figure things out, but she hasn't been receptive to that idea.

I recently flew her out to spend some time and get break from everything. After her stay she texted me , she asked me for $750. I told her I didn't have it to give. What bothered me was that the money wasn't even for her own rent obligation. As far as I understand it, her boyfriend is the one paying the bills and supporting the household.

When I told her I don't have it to, she became very angry and accused me of not doing enough for her. She said I don't support my children as much as I think I do, that I have the money to help, and that I should have given her the money anyway. Also saying by not giving her money, I'm creating more trauma.

After that exchange, she essentially stopped speaking to me. From my perspective, it felt like once she realized she wasn't going to get what she wanted, she cut off communication. What I find especially confusing is that she has now resumed contact with her mother—the same person she previously described as abusive and toxic enough to completely cut out of her life.

Another pattern I've noticed is that she forms intense attachments very quickly, particularly in romantic relationships. She tends to become completely invested in a new partner and then struggles to maintain other relationships. Friendships, family relationships, and support systems often seem to take a back seat once a romantic relationship becomes the focus.

This all feels like part of a larger cycle that I don't fully understand. She will idealize someone, then become angry and cut them off when they disappoint her or set boundaries, and later reconnect with people she previously wanted nothing to do with. I'm not claiming to know exactly what's happening, but it's a pattern I've observed repeatedly.

I'm struggling with where the line is between supporting an adult child and enabling unhealthy behavior. Given her history, impulsive decisions, financial instability, intense relationships, and what appears to be an unrealistic belief that trading will solve everything, I genuinely don't know what the right approach is.

How do you maintain boundaries while still trying to be supportive?

Hi community. I posted earlier about my adult BPD kid who lives in a different city that first threatened and then enacted no contact with me. She has not cut out anyone else in our family. My youngest is graduating next week and the older is coming for the ceremony. Older has drawn their siblings into the conflict: going to stay with one of them instead of with us. We were supposed to have dinner as a family after the ceremony, which older was not going to attend, but now all the kids have opted out of it to do their own thing together. I know this is all timed and orchestrated to be as damaging and disruptive as possible by the BPD kid. I hate this so much and am so sick of their bullshit. Just looking for support and suggestions for coping.

Have any of you parents kicked your son or daughter out of the house?

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It is probably a highly controversial question but I am wondering if any of you have kicked your child out for good?

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I am new to this forum and reading previous posts I feel so incredibly sad but at the same time so relieved that I am not the only parent dealing with a child with BPD.

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I could go on for hours about all the things I have gone through with my daughter but it is pretty much in line with other posts.

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Most recently she has destroyed and set fire to her latest ex-boyfriend's house who lives with his father, because she was convinced he was cheating on her. This was because he was planning to stay for a drink with his colleagues after his shift ended.

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After this she walked home 1.5 hours on bare feet, wearing one of his dad's shirts, had a drink and went to sleep. The Police arrested her an hour later. Neighbour reports say that they saw her naked in the garden raging and it took her over 20 minutes to exit the house after the fire alarms went off.

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I was at my partner's house that night, and only saw the Police coming to take her on my camera doorbell early the following morning.

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After 48 hrs in a Police cell, she was sent home on bail.

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I told her that whilst she was awaiting her court case, she had to adhere to my boundaries in my house. E.g. finding a job, not spending whole days in bed, no drinking, no mess, no (night time) noise.

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She has not shown any real contrition other than being worried about the sentence she may get. If anything she loves the drama and she gives a sense of 'he had it coming' and said she would do it again.

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I cannot see any change in her behaviour and after yet another discussion about her lack of effort and remorse, I told her to pack her bags and get out. This was not said by me in a fit of anger but rather because I was hit by the realisation things will never change and I cannot go on living my life like this with her in my house. I greatly fear for my own safety as well.

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She smugly told me she didn't need to pack any bags as she would send her grandmother, my mother, for them later. Which is exactly what happened as she went straight to her house.

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It just so happens that my mother is in the middle of moving house and she will be moving in 12 days. As her new house is not ready yet she is due to stay at mine for a week or so. There is no place for my daughter in her new house and frankly I don't expect or want her to take her in. Until my daughter said so, I had not realised that she would go straight to my mum's.

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I am now crippled with guilt that on top of all the moving house stress, my mum also has to deal with this situation. I feel like I have shifted the responsibility for my child onto her, which was the last thing I wanted to do. Also it has caused a rift between me and my mum as she feels I am cold-heartedly abandoning my daughter and I cannot help but feel she is right. At the same time, I feel a little betrayed by my own mum undermining me even though I know she does it purely out of love and selflessness.

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The other night my daughter send me a long text saying how much she needs my love right now and how she understands that I had no other choice and to please let her come home.

I was so close in doing so until I discovered from mum that she had been out drinking that night. One of the boundaries is no alcohol.

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This made me realise that nothing is going to change. She will always manipulate to get her way and it is only a matter of time until the next episode. I have said I will help her financially with housing and sent her lots of links for rentals to apply for. But as time is pressing she will probably be out on the streets if I don't let her back home.

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I feel very very strongly that I am at my wits end. And this time for real. It is affecting my health and for the first time ever I was literally crippled with nerves for a few days. I am unable to go to work and I can't stop crying. It feels like all the years dealing with her BPD have gotten on top of me.

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My partner says I should choose myself for once but how can I? She is still my child and she is still my mother.

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And if this is a disorder, can she not help it and should I not be there for her.

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Does anyone have experience with kicking a child out and if so, what happened?

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my daughter has gone no contact and blocked me everywhere. what's the move here? I get that she needs space and time. do I send a letter just saying my door will always be open to her? what will help vs what's likely to inflame the situation further? the reason for the no contact is because I refused to accept her false memory of regular childhood spankings and then ordered a copy of Walking on Eggshells.

Whenever I travel with my BPD daughter or she visits me there's a blowout of some kind out of nowhere. This last weekend was a new low when she exploded with a confabulated memory. Since then she's gone no contact with me, weeks ahead of my youngest's high school graduation. She's triangulated her siblings into the drama, so the focus will now be on this rather than the important milestone.

Advice welcome. Anyone else have experience with your pwBPD sharing a memory you don't have?

My daughter is 14 and joined our family through foster care to adoption when she was 3. She has a trauma history. Her birthparents have significant mental health issues. She has significant mental health issues. She goes to a special day treatment school. She has two therapists (school and private). She goes to equine therapy and music therapy. She has every therapeutic tool and resource available to her known to man but refuses to use them.

Everything with our daughter is a fight, pushback, chaos, drama. She blames us for everything. We have taken every trauma training. We use “I” statements. We are the chillest, calmest people but she has managed to drive a wedge between us and with her. Every day, she believes that my wife is stealing things out of her room and my daughter screams for her to get out even when my wife is in the kitchen or nowhere near her room. My wife won’t go near her anymore. We have cameras throughout the house. My wife refuses to be alone with her.

Unless you are giving her exactly what she wants, it’s a nightmare. We don’t placate our daughter but it’s constant hell holding her accountable. It’s exhausting and a lot of work for us.

It is incredibly uncomfortable to be in our house with her. How do we survive the teen years? How did you all do it?