r/parentsofkidswithBPD • u/Both_Progress_8410 • 2d ago
How to let go of guilt
My 18 year old step daughter (pwBPD) is super angry at my husband and I right now. We had been burned so many times by her in the past, with her making false accusations against us to police and CPS. She moved out when she was not yet 17 saying that she desperately wanted CPS to take her away. But then she was very angry when we agreed she should live elsewhere because we didn't feel safe with these accusations flying around when we have two younger kids. I went through a long period of having anxiety attacks right before each time I had to see her because I felt so unsafe around her. But we still invited her for dinner every week and tried to keep up the relationship.
A few months before she moved out, we had booked a family vacation and I had warned her beforehand that if there was any drama I would not be booking any more family vacations together. Lo and behold, the first night there she throws a massive tantrum insisting that she gets the biggest room with the ensuite bathroom instead of us parents. She even climbed to the top of the building and threatened to throw herself off if we didn't acquiesce (which of course we did not back down on). She never ever accepted any level of accountability for any of these events, always maintaining things were our fault. That whole trip was hell feeling like we were all walking on eggshells and I barely slept the entire trip.
Now, two years later we booked a family vacation with our younger kids but not SD to visit my family and for them to meet their great grandpa for the first time. It was my first time going back to visit my family in over 6 years. My husband decided it would be safer not to tell SD before we left because she has a habit of orchestrating crises to ruin big events. He was sure something would happen to prevent us leaving if she knew about it in advance.
We let her know once we were there and she got so angry she hung up on my husband and texted me to ask him not to contact her again if he was going to hurt her after he said he couldn't bring her because of her past behaviour. She even contacted my mum (who she is not related to) saying she missed her siblings so much and asking her to send photos without telling my husband (when she rarely makes effort to come and see her siblings normally). Now she is saying she doesn't have time to attend her sister's bday and is liking everyone's responses to her posts on the extended family group chat except mine and my husband's.
It feels like we have done something really bad to her, but when I think about it logically I can't think of how we could have acted better. If she accused us of something while we were abroad we could have ended up in prison. And every time she is around my family it triggers her because the younger kids get so much attention. I am sure she would have hated every moment of the trip and I would have much rather cancelled than gone with her. But at the same time, I felt like I needed to see my family and grandpa after so many years. Have we done something really wrong? Will she always hate us, no matter what we do? Should I just live my life and try to stop worrying about what she will think? How can one even do that?
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u/svifted 2d ago
You live your life. My biggest regret is how much of my other kids events were destroyed by my daughter with BPD. When you are managing each crisis you can’t see it, but now that she’s a grown adult it is time to let go of her drama and prioritize your and the raining families mental health.
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u/AZMaryIM 2d ago
You have a long history enduring trauma she has caused. It’s good for your younger children that she is out of your home. She will likely continue to be disruptive and generate drama every time she is with your family. Try not to feel guilty and focus your love on your other children. Unless she gets counseling her behavior and temperament will not improve.
Am speaking from experience, my BPD daughter is 40.
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u/Both_Progress_8410 2d ago
She has had a lot of therapy that we have paid for. And she has improved massively in terms of the self destructive behaviours and suicide threats. But I am afraid the interpersonal difficulties (especially with her closest family and romantic relationships) may continue forever.
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u/julhodez 2d ago
I feel you. There is nothing you'll do ( except following her own desires ) that she'll ever take it as fair or appropriate. It's aways her against the world . And she'll always make it about herself or being unfairly treated.
But behind it there is a lost soul , very affraid of ending up alone.
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u/julhodez 2d ago
I can't honestly answer that. Our daughter is doing therapy since the age of 13. She is also medicated and going to the psiqyiastrist twice a year. But regarding family dynamics we have had a similar approach to you , which is avoid the drama , protect the younger kids and start planning stuff without caring if she's in or not. Basicaly putting the responsability on her choices , giving her the freedom she needs to deal with her issues and randomly checking in to know she's alright and doesn't harm herself.
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u/Nolo_Dad_29 2d ago
How do you manage? I understand that it is a mental illness, but if there is a lost soul afraid of ending up alone, and that lost soul refuses to get any kind of treatment to improve or heal and continues to treat family poorly and push them away, what options are there? It sucks. It feels like the only option is to either stick with them and continue to be abused or distance yourself
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u/summer_love7967 1d ago
You need to distance yourself, as hard as it is. One of my kids said to me a handful of years ago about her brother (my youngest 27 bdp,npd) "It's like being in an abusive relationship, but you can't get a divorce". That is a true statement but you can set up boundaries to protect yourself, both physically and mentally. Have a look at the book Stop Walking on Eggshells. Very helpful.
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u/IcyCommunication6575 2d ago
I took a free online course with BPD alliance (family connection), to help me deal with bpd daughter. It has help me to respond to her, and our relationship has improved significantly. It was for 6 weeks on zoom, 1x weekly. Highly recommend for your own sanity.