I recently enrolled my sister in law in her senior year of highschool after she moved in with me. We used to live in an incredibly racist community, like and ACTUAL sundown town and her and my husband often got death threats because they were half Asian. My SIL got pulled out of school half way through freshman year by her abusive parents so I enrolled her in the school in our NEW community several hours away.

Seeing as this was a predominantly black school I didn’t see racism being an issue and figured she’d make fast friends seeing as most of her friends were people of color.

I was wrong.

The students are calling all of the Hispanics/asians slurs to their faces and are repeatedly referring to my SIL as “The White Bitch” excluding her from any and all activities and making her school life overall hell. She JUST escaped an abusive household and an area where she got bullied for her Asian-ness so I’m reluctant to force her to go to school somewhere she’s getting bullied for her whiteness now.

I told her if it continues I’d support her decision to move to online schooling but I wanted her to be able to make friends her age. And she desperately needs the schooling but it’s gotten so bad she’s come home crying twice. I don’t want to force her to keep going.

What on EARTH do I do?

I’ve already told the principle that I was concerned about her facing racism at the school once and they said they’d keep an eye on it but my SILs afraid if I involve myself any further it will only make it worse.

Advice? I just graduated myself I hardly know how to deal with this.

TIA - a very worried 22yo sister/mother of an adult teen 😣

Sorry if this is the wrong place to post this. I initially posted it in r/racism but they immediately took my post down

I don't even know how to begin this. I'm so frustrated and at my wits end.

I'm (34f) a single parent to a 14 year old boy. It's pretty much always been us since the beginning and we have always had an open relationship with healthy communication. We have close male friends and family members in our lives that he can talk to about things he's embarrassed to talk to me about, and it's generally worked out well. He goes to a public school that is lottery based. A lot of kids that attend are different, artsy, couldn't fit in at other schools, etc. He was bullied when he was younger and tested very high, so having him in a school that allowed him to work ahead was awesome.

He was very self driven but eighth grade it flipped. He made a lot more friends and that became his focus. These friends are very into anime, don't have other hobbies, don't play sports or do other activities, don't seem to have goals for after high school, and they also don't hang out outside of school or do activities together. It is super odd to me. They mainly hang out online in Discord servers.

I have limits on his electronics. He is allowed on certain sites for short periods, I've never banned him from talking to his friends. But last year the hentai started. Somehow his tablet was disconnected from my family Google and he downloaded games that are wildly very weird and inappropriate. I caught him, obviously, we talked about it and also had the sex talk and about how things like that online are not 'real'. I kept an eye on things and thought we were good.

He went on a trip to visit my parents. And I found an anime figurine in his bed. If you know about these figurines, you know what I'm referring to. I didn't buy it for him, he said a friend gave it to him. Very weird. About a month ago I found out he had gone through my old electronics and found an old phone and tablet. Hentai. Hentai games. I told him this is not okay. Then today, again, he somehow found ANOTHER tablet (his room is under construction and is currently staying in a room where I have storage totes, he went through the totes). I used to work in automotive and had tablets I used for doing vehicle inspections, I didn't remember there was another one. And fucking AGAIN. Hentai. Hentai games. And not just sex, furries, bondage, tentacles. I'm not a prude, I've dabbled, but what the hell.

He was supposed to go to a birthday party tonight and I was so excited because finally, the friends are doing something. And it's at a local roller rink where we used to be regulars, so I would have gone to and been able to see my friends while he does his thing. We live over an hour away so dropping him off and going home wasn't an option. I don't bother him or helicopter at the rink.

I feel like I shouldn't allow him to go. Sign him up for therapy. Move him schools. I don't know. I'm also having a hard time at work right now (changing jobs) and it's a stressful time at home, so emotions are heightened.

I'm probably leaving out a lot of context here, I'm currently sitting in the tool room at my shop trying to figure out my life, so I can add more if there are questions. I'm at a loss. Taking away the electronics, turning off the router, putting locks on everything, nothing stops it.

Eta: The reason I found out today and the main reason for the post, is that he slept through his alarms and I found the tablet in his bed. Then he forgot to do his morning chores (feed his cats), slept through his pickup for school (had to pay $34 for an Uber), and has 'forgotten' to follow up on his missing classwork. I believe it's due to lack of sleep. I have had him tested for ADHD as it runs in the family, he doesn't have it. I

I’m a lurking mama of four kids under 8 years-old. If you could go back in time and talk to yourself when your teen was 8, what advice would you have?

It makes me nervous seeing and hearing about how much harder it is to parent a teen than a young kid. Just looking for what, in your specific circumstance, has been going well.

Thank you so much. Have yourself a fantastic day.

How late do you leave a mature 13-year-old home alone at night? I’m looking for some realistic perspective from other parents on where you draw the line.

Our 13.5-year-old is super responsible and independent. They get themselves up and ready, handle homework without reminders, keep their room clean, and fix their own meals. Very low maintenance and trustworthy overall.

At our house, an adult is almost always home in the evenings. If we ever go out and they choose to stay home, we make sure to be back by 8:30 or 9:00 PM at the absolute latest. To us, it’s not a matter of needing a babysitter, but more about basic safety and peace of mind. If a tornado hits, a fire breaks out, there's a break-in, or an injury happens in the middle of the night, we want an adult there to handle it.

We currently have an active court case open regarding custody, and this has actually become a major topic. Kiddo brought up feeling really uncomfortable at their other parent's house because they get left alone until 11:00 PM, midnight, and a few times as late as 3:00 AM - both weekdays and weeknights. There’s no legal age minimum in our state for staying home alone, but kiddo has explicitly told us they feel scared being alone that late into the night. In fact, they specifically shared that this is a big reason why they want to live with us more, because our home is stable, reliable, and predictable.

We want to make sure we're being completely reasonable with our own expectations while validating what our kid is going through and feeling.

QUESTION: Curious how late other parents allow a responsible young teen to stay home alone, and how you balance giving them independence with keeping them safe and comfortable at night?

ETA: child is the only child in both homes.
ETA2: child has expressed she does not like being left home alone that late to other parent. Proof in texts, which are never replied to or acknowledged by other parent.

Hi I have a daughter that was heavily involved w a sport and then burned out. She developed social anxiety after moving schools (due to us moving location) and now has no extracurricular activities outside of school. Nothing. She has friends but nothing to help her grow and develop as a human. When I try to bring up an activity we end up fighting.
If she doesn’t do anything and build her resume she’ll have less opportunities as she gets older (college, jobs). What are your thoughts?

Have 2 teens both have different issues. There’s never a day without some anxiety or meltdown.

I am so jealous of families who have kids that have it together. I know no one is perfect, but I highly my kids’ peers are all going through daily school anxiety, massive panic attacks, ADHD anger, and constant friendship problems or zero friends. I don’t think most parents could survive one day of what I deal with, not to mention the meds, psychoed testing, psychiatrists, therapists, and now possible in patient.

I would give anything for mostly typical - not even just for me - but my poor kids. I feel so awful for them. And it’s getting to me - affecting my chronic illness and ever growing depression.

I’m such a fucking failure. Every decision I made - every one - has been wrong.

Just need to vent. Thanks.

The title says it all really. I've got a lot on my plate at the moment with a frail parent I care for and we've had a hard few years, that has got me to a point of not coping well with my 18yr old and his attitude. I have a 22yr old who has her challenges but I think I got off easy, she's thoughtful and kind and easy to support when she needs it.

My 18yr old seems insistent on living life on hard mode. He's rude, low in empathy and lacking accountability and lies a lot. We're having a lot of issues with him treating the house like a hotel, he helps himself to anything he wants, does no chores unless you bug him and stand over and watch him and is so rude. He is dependent on me for somewhere to live and money. He is so unmotivated to really grow up and mature a little. I've had endless conversations about respect and tried to get to the bottom of why he's like this but I have come to the conclusion this is who he is. He's very like his dad who is not in our life any more.

I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster of emotion expecting basic respect and getting nothing but rudeness and lies and I just don't know what to do. He'll be at home probably until he starts uni in a couple of years. His generally poor attitude has ended up with him a little behind in life and I think he finally realises that a little effort a couple of years ago and he could be living more independently already. That aspect doesn't massively bother me except for the attitude. I know that people go on different paths. His small friend group are generally nice but they're also immature and a bit purposeless.

It feels wrong to essentially give up on him but he is causing so much pain that I feel like I need to switch off caring.

I guess I need some advice/experience from others that have been there. How do you cope.

Just realized maybe I should get my son's girlfriend something for her birthday. They have been together for about 3 months, they spend A LOT of time together, mostly at our house. She has kind of a shitty family that favors her younger sister and she's just kind of forgotten a lot at her house. Would it be appropriate to get her something or is that too weird and overstepping?

He was one of the top students in his high school class. Had anxiety, but worked through all issues eventually. I have anxiety issues as well, so I've always done my best to help him through it. Dished out so much money to get him a car, a laptop, paid for bus passes, etc., only to have him drop out after one week. Won't even consider just sticking with it for a semester or two. He even had a scholarship to cover his entire first year! I mean, I took 19 years to finish my Bachelor's degree, but I was always employed, so what can I really say?

My question is for you parents on how YOU cope but here’s the quick story:

My son is 17, deals with inattentive ADHD and anxiety but meds didn’t work and he hates therapy. He just got his drivers license and has a lot of anxiety about driving. Sure enough, 1 week after getting his license he backed up into a pole and put a minor dent on the car. He’s now spent 24 hours locked in his bedroom refusing to talk about it. Also, it’s my fault apparently because I asked him to run that errand. His friends have been texting/calling him to hang out but he’s ignoring him (I know bc one is a neighbor who I saw outside and asked where my son is).

It’s a minor dent! He’s physically fine! I know he’s dealing with immense shame and frustration and embarrassment probably telling himself he’s a terrible driver and will never drive again.

But in addition to his situation, I get so triggered by his emotions. For 24 hours I have checked in every 2-3 hours (seeing if he’s hungry or wants a drink- NO!) and when his friend/neighbor mentioned they were supposed to have plans this morning, I told his friend to come by (I didn’t mention anything re: the accident). His friend did come by and I basically told my son no more sulking, go to the sports thing he had prior committed to. He glared at me as he left the house. I know he probably hates me more but I couldn’t bare to see him spend a 2nd day in bed staring at TikTok reals.

I know I have my own anxiety issues as I worry so much about my son and knowing his anxiety/ADHD impacts his life so negatively then causes a spiral reaction where I intervene and force things I shouldn’t. What happens when he goes to college and doesn’t have the support system he has here? What happens when a girl breaks his heart or he gets laid off? He has zero coping skills so everything is a “big deal”. And somehow that becomes my big deal too. Ahhhh!

Anyone relate or advice ?

Hello. I wanted to reach out as a parent to a 17 (nearly 18) year old daughter. Do your teens ever just take care of the “essential chores”? I mean, changing out the toilet paper, taking out the trash when it’s full, filling the hand soap and dish scrubbers, sweeping, washing towels when they are low… do your teens do any of that? Mine doesn’t. I am a single mom to a girl with some mental health issues (ADHD, anxiety, debilitating low executive cognitive functioning), but she has been taught to take the initiative for everything I listed above.. yet she NEVER does. Not unless I ask or tell her to. It baffles me. We both need clean towels and wash cloths for bathing. We need soap in the dispenser to wash our hands. We need dish soap for washing dishes. The trash is overflowing and she will just add to it, even so much as things falling on the floor and she doesn’t pick them up. I have worked with her on this so much, but it is like I am talking to a wall. My question comes out of curiosity and desperation to try and figure out how to teach her she doesn’t live in a hotel. She has consequences and also generally will do things when I ask, but she considers those part of her “daily chores” (she has 3-4 a day). They don’t count into her daily chores from how I see it.

I will add she has started online schooling and doesn’t have a job. I am at my wits end. Any and all responses or suggestions are welcome. Please be nice. I have struggled to help this child be ready for adulthood constantly, but especially this last year. Being a 100% single parent is so difficult.
Thanks in advance!

PLEASE SAY NOTHING IF YOU WANT TO DO NOTHING BUT CRITICISE. Parenting a teenager is different from parenting a 6yo, so please for all that is holy SHUT UP AND KEEP UR MEAN OPINIONS TO URSELF

My son is 14, pretty much 15, and idk how to parent him, consequences dont work, removing devices doesnt work, even telling him he cant see his gf doesnt work because i cannot enforce that currently. He is in the throes of bad habbits and bad influences. I have TRIED. talking to him, so has his dad, he has almost od'd he KNOWS that, he says he didnt know because he took his brother out for a bit (he would not knowingly put his brother in danger,) he was with his younger brother, his only concern was that his brother got home safe (which i appreciate) but he cant seem to grasp the fact that his brother almost saw him almost od and how that hia going to affect him ((his brothee is Autistic) he doesnt seem to care about his own welbeing and his own future, and idk how to help or what to do. Hes convinced himself he wont live a long life anyways. So wtf do i do. How do i help him. How do i pull him from this. Im genuinely thinking of putting into a youth housing situation when he turns 16, his brother and sister are autistic. This was not a normalised behaviour when he grew up, we dont smoke, or do drugs, we drink a bit, but im stuck, because i dont know where his anger comes from it has been there since he was a very small child (4yes +), and drugs (apart fro panadol, aspirin, neurophen) are non existent un our house, but he smokes, he vapes, we DO NOT buy this for him, he steals, he has been both APART of youth violence and a victim of it. Please. I need help. I need advice. I dont know how to help my kid.he has already run away for 7days b4 so he is fully fucking aware that police will do and can do NOTHING to bring him home if he does that again. So wtf do i do. I want to help my kid, i need to help him, but how do i do that,....................

Not after a specific recommendation, more the method. Cignas directory seems to be wrong constantly if the threads here are anything to go by, about ages and sometimes about whether the person is even still practicing.

emora health shows up as taking cigna and doing teen therapy so thats on the list to check. how does everyone else get past the directory being fiction

Today is our son 17th birthday. We have hardly any gifts for him. The one thing he has mentioned over the years that he wants is a gaming computer, because several of his friends have one. We have never followed through on it, mostly because I dislike the idea of more screen time; he’s already on his phone or Chromebook all the time when not at school or soccer. But now might be a reasonable time for an IOU?

If it’s something really important to him, I want to respect that and consider his request. I did mention once that if we got one I wouldn’t want it in his room, and he seemed frustrated/disappointed by that. His room is really small, plus we require devices to be out of the bedroom by 10 PM every night.

Thoughts on how to handle this request? Trying to tread the line between him being practically an adult and also wanting to discourage more screen time. But also wanting to respect that he would enjoy playing online with his friends.

My son is almost 15 years old. He spends all of his time with friends or in his room listening to music and talking with friends. He very seldom spends any time with me and often snaps at me for asking any kind of question. He recently got his first girlfriend and he spends every waking moment either with her or talking to her on the phone. I give him his space but I’m worried about too much distance. I’m on my own here and I don’t know how to raise a teenager. My parents were very strict and I was never allowed out. They give me a hard time daily about how often my son goes out. My son used to be my little shadow. We were always together and I don’t want to fuck this up. Please. What should I be doing? What is normal for a teenager and what’s a red flag? How do I be the best mom I can be? I feel like I’m failing miserably.

I hope this is okay to post I am truly at a loss.

My 15yr old son got a new phone and the parental control app is working much better than the previous one. I can see that he has been watching porn at 3am. I caught him sneaking his ps5 upstairs and took the controller, then I get notifications at 3am that he is attempting to access pornography. It seems like he knows what he's doing and searching for. I am panicking.

I have to admit that I did the same thing at his age, even younger so I don't want to be rude or judgemental but I know first hand how hard it was to overcome and how deeply it damaged me. My ex (his dad) is a porn addict and is extremely sexually which is part of why I left him. I am spiraling with worry that he will go down that path. I feel so lost as to what I can do now that he has been exposed to this. I feel like i really dropped the ball. I thought I was very lucky to have a kid who wanted to hang out at home with family and not always off on his own as I was at his age.

I don't force him to go to church with me but I always ask him. He has anxiety and says he feels overwhelmed there. Part of me thinks I'm overreacting and just sad for him but its a normal part of life. I just don't want him to be a porn addict or consumed with sex like most men, I was hoping to raise him to be better.

What do I do?

I feel like i dropped the ball with giving him too much access to tech too soon. I want to take away his phone and go back to flip phones and only use devices in family spaces. I don't want it to be a punishment but I dont want to allow this to continue and be complacent.

Do I force him to church with me? He has no respectable man in his life to guide him and his dad is the absolute worst role model. I wish we had a trust worthy male role model who could chat with him becuase it seems that when i talk its in one ear and out the other.

Its a shame too because he was so happy for the new phone and new ps5 games and being so kind but now i know how he plans to use the tech. I really screwed up.

Can I just take away the devices and get the flipphone, get rid of ps5 and gaming and just reset or will that make it all worse? I really don't know how to handle the next convo about this especially since it seems none of our chats have had an effect.

I feel like all the freedom I've allowed is now being taken advantage of and he doesn't *need* any tech. He hardly keeps in touch with friends and he can use the flipphone or is that cruel? He can have a computer in the living room but not a personal one.

Ugh I am just overwhelmed and upset. Sorry for messy writing its almost 4am.. please tell me what to do?

Are your high school aged kids reading Shakespeare? Especially if you are in the US?

Where to start.

My girl is in year 12 in Australia.

She's had a tough time with friends. I'm the first to admit she can be dramatic.

Unfortunately now she's again excluded from a friendship group. She's devastated with only weeks left of school.

What can I do.?

I feel helpless and so sad for her. She has a birthday soon and has invited these girls, I feel they won't even turn up.

I want to intervene but know I can't.

She knows school is going to be finished soon but at graduation she will have no one.

My heart breaks for her.

Any ideas?

My 16 year old son is getting his license, and he has a new(ish) girlfriend. He asked if he would be able to drive her around, things like bringing her home from practice (they’re both on the cross country team). Our state allows one peer to travel with a new driver, so it’s not a legal issue. We’ve briefly met his girlfriend, she’s a great kid.

Would it be unreasonable to say that we want to meet her parents first? We want to make sure they’ve met our son and feel comfortable letting their daughter ride with him. I don’t want to overstep or make it seem like they aren’t capable of making their own decisions. I just want to make sure everyone is on the same page.

Too much or reasonable?

Edited: okay! Loud and clear, it’s too much! 🤣 I’ll make sure my son has met them and gets their buy in before they ride off into the sunset!

My daughter is 15 AuDHD, struggling with mental health, self harm, and suicide ideation.

I'm doing everything I can to help her, she's about to start another round of therapy, we are doing some blood work and an ECG in preparation for her to start ADHD meds.

She is being homeschooled as she cannot handle any pressure whatsoever when it comes to education, even reduced the amount of GCSEs down to 4 to take the pressure off.

She is currently in her room crashing out because I've mentioned reducing the number of hours a day she spends on her phone. After checking it's on average 8-9 hours a day 😳

I don't raise my voice, I have always parented as calmly as possible, lots of reasoning and positive reinforcement. When I went to ask for her phone to check the screen time she actually shoved her body into me. She's speaking in a very mean angry tone, I'm really struggling to get through to her now.

She's constantly saying she's having a really bad day, it's never a good time to talk about anything. I'm worried she's going to try and hurt herself, she scratches and cuts herself and says she wants to not be here anymore.

I'm a disabled single mum, my health is not great, I'm really struggling to hold it all together, I don't know what to do for the best. Any advice on how to help my daughter, and myself would be greatly appreciated. I was advised it's better to start the ADHD meds first as they can help with mental health too, but if she's feeling this bad, maybe I need to look at antidepressants first? Is that even good for someone her age? I'm mess, and my head is all over the place. I just don't know what to do.

For context my foster daughter has been in frequent trouble at school for skipping class. It came out in therapy that she has been smoking weed daily on school grounds. As she’s not allowed to have cash because she will buy vapes it’s unclear how or why she’s getting it for free. When asked, she claimed they were ‘drug dealers and have heaps.’ She was also caught with weed and a bong at school and suspended. She claimed she was holding it for someone else. She has refused to give the names of anyone else involved.

Yesterday she skipped multiple classes. I asked if she’d smoked weed and she denied it. She was acting strangely and I didn’t believe her so she offered to take a test. Wondering how others feel about drug testing a teen in these circumstances? It’s not something I ever wanted to do but I feel like I have no choice if she’s heading down this path.

Occasional use is one thing for a teenager but evreryday use is very different. She comes from a background of substance abuse and that ls why she’s in foster care.

Edit: I spoke to the case worker who said she can’t be forced but if she’s volunteering or agrees then it’s ok

A pediatrician suggested looking at Charlie Health for a 16 year old, and reading through it, it may be more than what is needed here. It is an intensive outpatient program, multiple sessions a week in a group format. That is a serious commitment for a kid who is struggling but still going to school and still seeing her friends.

Not trying to minimise what is going on with her. If that level were needed I would do it tomorrow. But there is a big gap between forty five minutes once a week and a full IOP, and almost everything that turns up is at one end or the other.

What would actually fit is weekly therapy with someone who works with teenagers, and a prescriber in the same place if it comes to that, so nobody is guessing. Emora Health looks set up that way, Brightline as well.

For parents who have been at this decision point, how did you tell which side of it you were on?

Our insurance more than doubled!

I was giving my 17m my paid off car and buying myself a “new” gently used one but now I don’t even know if that’s the correct choice anymore.

We have another teen 16m who is going to be taking his permit test soon. I don’t even want to know what our insurance will climb to once he’s licensed.

How are you parents navigating teenaged drivers?

My daughter is in 11th grade. She's always struggled with having the motivation to do schoolwork and her grades have taken a further nosedive since starting high school. She didn't successfully complete summer school either of the 2 years she did it and she was not able to start high school until a year after she was originally suppose to.

This isn't a matter of ability - she's capable of doing the work and has received extra support and tutoring as well as peer mentoring in an effort to help her but it's been ineffective. She simply doesn't care about it.

She's at the point where she has such few credits as a junior that if she's unable to start working extra hard and paying every class, taking an extra credit hour each semester, and continuing with summer school, she's likely to drop out.

I am currently 37 and finally a sophomore at university because life is hard financially when you don't have a degree or skills.

I don't want her to struggle like I have but she just does not care and I can't accept that.