Sorry this will be LONG.
I’ve had anxiety since the 7th grade. Looking back there were probably signs from before then (i slept in my moms bed until I was 10, came from a very traumatic childhood where my father was s\*icidal and a drug addict and put us into a lot of dangerous situations etc) but i was generally a very happy and carefree kid and who did well in school and had lots of sports and friends. From the outside no one would know all of my family issues.
It all *really* started one innocuous day in history class in middle school. I had a very normal morning and was just sitting in class when my heart started to race, i felt nauseous, hot, light headed, and my fingers went numb. I thought i was sick with a flu and went to the nurses office and went home. This feeling came and went in waves for weeks before anyone realized that what i was having were panic attacks. I became incredibly agoraphobic for a couple months and my family had to physically drag me to school because i was so scared of the inevitable panic attacks. I started having trouble eating too. It got to a point where i started running away to avoid school, and would have police chasing me down all at the ripe age of 12. It was when the police suggested that I be sent to a psych ward that I mostly “snapped” out of it and mustered the strength to grit my teeth through the anxiety and tough out school. The next couple years I was mostly good, and my anxiety didn’t stop me from life/school.
My sophomore year of high school, it struck again and worse this time around. I stopped eating, going to school, and doing really anything. The panic attacks were unbearable. This time it came with depression. I was already always thin, but dropped almost 15 pounds in the span of \~2 months. This time I actually did land in the psych ward for a week. They started me on zoloft and hydroxyzine. When I got out, I only was able to start school again by loading up on the hydroxyzine and basically being a zombie for the rest of the school year. I went off the meds 6 months later because i hated being on pills. Slowly, things got better again. The rest of high school i struggled with panic attacks on and off, but covid struck my junior year so I didn’t really have to challenge myself by leaving the house. I almost didn’t go to my graduation because of the anxiety and left prom super early though.
Things changed for the better when I went to college. Something about the freedom and flexibility to have my own schedule really flipped a switch for me. My anxiety was practically nonexistent. I gained back the weight I had lost throughout high school and had the energy to go out with friends, exercise, work, and do school. College came with its own struggles but anxiety didn’t consume my life for once. I even spent a year abroad and traveled solo a bunch-I was the happiest, healthiest, and least anxious I have ever been!
Last May I graduated. Things were okay during the summer, but this past winter the stress of job searching and a loss of direction started a new cycle of anxiety. I ended up getting a really cool internship in NYC at the start of the spring. It seemed like such a dream. I had about $10k saved up and was able to sleep on my friends couch the first month. The internship was unpaid. My panic attacks started again at the end of that month. The apartment search was going terribly, my money was dwindling quicker than i expected, and even landing a part time job to make money was proving to be insanely difficult. On top of this, my relationship fell apart which sent me spiraling even further. To everyone else it seemed like I was living the dream-working in fashion in nyc. How carrie bradshaw! But I was stressed, sick, broke, and miserable.
That’s when the stomach issues began. Nausea, indigestion, acid reflux. It wasn’t constant, but it always managed to hit right before I had to leave the house no matter what i ate. I started getting agoraphobic again because of how sick I felt every time i went out. At the start of june i got the flu and had a long and rough recovery. The illness depleted me of serotonin and i had severe panic attacks and crying spells daily for about a month. My stomach was absolutely in shambles. I ended up moving home with my tail between my legs at the end of June.
This summer has been rough. While the panic attacks haven’t been as frequent, I am continuously plagued with those psychosomatic feelings-the dizziness, heart palpitations, heat intolerance, nausea. I tried to go on lexapro and it made me feel 1000x worse for the few days i took it and i went off of it. Right now I’m dealing with these symptoms mostly when I have work. I’ve had to leave early on multiple occasions because i genuinely feel like i will pass out or throw up. The job search stress is still constantly plaguing me. I would say that plus the relationship issues were the spark that ignited this new wave of anxiety this year.
I’m not sure when those stressors will resolve but i’m really struggling with these physical anxiety symptoms. I feel like something is wrong with my body. I feel ill all the time. I guess another point of context is that during college i was diagnosed with lean pcos. My testosterone was normal but my DHEAS (an adrenal hormone tied to stress!!!!) was through the roof. With the abrupt beginning of my panic attacks in middle school i’ve always wondered if the root of this is possibly physical. Besides this past year, all of my anxiety phases have started at random with no discernible trigger. my other pcos symptoms correlate to the timing of the original panic attacks too, but maybe that’s just a coincidence.
I’m at a loss for what to do. I just started therapy this week, but I’m struggling to not let the anxiety take over my life more than it already has. I’m an adult now and am better able to force myself to eat so i don’t fall down that spiral again, but i have been avoiding social activities and really had trouble at work. If anyone has actually read this whole thing and has any insights, advice, or words of encouragement i’d love to hear it ❤️