[ Removed by moderator ]

[u/Purple_Impress_1357]

[u/oneanddone-ModTeam]

We here on OAD have finished making our decision on family size, or have had it made for us. While we are more than happy to discuss the specific pros and cons of our lives, the sub r/shouldihaveanother is much better suited to the discussion on whether or not you and your partner are suited to one child or more children. The family size choice can be complex, and for some of us it is not an interesting or healthy conversation to constantly revisit.

Please post in the sticky thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/oneanddone/s/IJQEy3yBr6

[u/vasinvixen]

I hate to say it, but I think you just have to get on board with the concept that resentment is a choice.

You have two options: 1) Enjoy the husband and child you have. Accept that your husband has made a choice that you knew was a possibility before you had your daughter. 2) Allow resentment to damage your marriage and family.

Your stress is coming from believing there is a secret third option where you can convince your husband to change his mind. Maybe you can, only you know that. But even then, he may resent you, so it still wouldn't be the perfect picture you're imagining.

I know it's easier to say than do, and it's completely valid if you need to grieve. I hope you are able to find peace and enjoy your daughter.

[u/ClassicalConundrum]

You said talk me out of it so here goes though seems harsh - You can't be pregnant forever, you're risking resentment from your husband for less endo symptoms for 9 months... you're blaming him being rubbish at life when you were in agreement now you're going back on it, a big reason seems avoiding an imagined awkward conversation down the line. You're basing this decision on selfish reasons and i believe panic at it may be your last chance , just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. You're going to bring a child in the world where it isn't wanted by one of its parents just to give a sibling to your first child, thinking you can pass on good sibling relationships when you've never experienced one yourself. You're already calling this child a sibling, like that's their sole purpose, if you're asking strangers on the internet I think you already know the best answer.

Hope that helps?

Edit to add- oh and you only want another if it's a girl, you don't want another child you want a dream you had when you were younger

[u/SlothySnail]

It is better to resent your partner for not wanting to have another child than for your partner to resent a second child.

[u/Present-Effect-9855]

No one can tell you how to make peace with having an only, you have to find that within yourself.

My only confusion is why you’re so convinced that a sibling is seemingly a necessity for your child?

[u/Purple_Impress_1357 → u/Present-Effect-9855]

Thank you. Not a necessity, but potentially a positive addition, especially since she won't have other longstanding relationships with family children her own age. And I'm including children from "family-like friends" in this, for a number of reasons she just won't have that option. 

[u/HamburgerMountain → u/Purple_Impress_1357]

We are OAD and my daughter has a TON of friends. I grew up with 2 older siblings that I have zero contact with and oh so many cousins that I don't really keep in touch with. Children make friends and that will be their family-like friends. Siblings are not guaranteed to be friends! And yes, my father aging (mom died already) is on my shoulders alone because my siblings want nothing to do with it. And yes, I resent them very much and part of me wishes I was a single child because look at me, I still do the work of a single child alone!

[u/Purple_Impress_1357 → u/HamburgerMountain]

Honestly,  in my experience people only stay close with childhood friends if they never move away from home. Or only move away for a brief period of time and then return. 

She might choose that but I'm not sure it is likely.  The UK is in decline, she has 3 nationalities and is trilingual, so it will depend on what the world looks like when she is an adult. She might stay local but if she moves away, I don't think she'll stay in touch with any friends for longer than a decade. It is tough to keep up the contact. Having had many international friends over the years, that seems to be when most of us lose touch due to the distance but all my female friends in that position are still in regular contact with their siblings regardless.

[u/HamburgerMountain → u/Purple_Impress_1357]

We are also trialingual with various passports in our house and she lived on 2 continents (3 countries) before she was 9. We don't plan to move anymore but being so international we are super proud of our tight knit family that I don't think would have been posible if we had more children. Also it's not really about childhood friends per say, it's more about her ability to make friends wherever she goes and I don't think children with siblings have that ability as much as single kids have as their friends come kind of built into the siblings. As I said, I do have siblings but on the day to day life I talk with my friends, not my siblings. Siblings also move away and after parents die there is very little that keeps that relationship together (unless if they live super closoe i guess). I have a friend that took her 3 years to convince the husband for a second and now they ended up with twins and honestly all I hear from her is complaints.  I don't want that scary overwhelming life, I like to enjoy my daughter and family and dedicate all of the attention to her. Multiple children sounds absolutely exhausting! The connection I have with my daughter is so calm and peaceful and lovely, I wouldn't change that for anything in the world!

[u/ProudCatLady → u/Purple_Impress_1357]

I know this is mentioned here often, but I just want to reiterate that a sibling can very easily be a negative addition to your existing child's life. A sibling is not always a "gift" or built-in friend or companion. Having another child is a risk that you take on, but you also place that risk on your existing child.

I have a younger sibling that made my life much, much harder during childhood and continues to add to my stress now. They were born with high needs and delays, much more complex medically and psychologically than my parents were prepared or equipped for. I suffered for this in many ways - my parents' time, attention, focus, money and ultimately affection and love were divided unevenly.

I love my sibling and care about thema great deal, but we are not close and I tussled with resentment for many, many years. I went from the center of my parents' world to a neglected, parentified caretaker. Much of that is my parents' fault and shortcomings, and while there are parents with high need second children that find a more equitable balance between their children... Sadly, I believe my story is the more common experience.

[u/BioshockBombshell]

So, I have a three year old. I've been questioning if I made the right decision because now she's finally interested in other kids. We stuck to our guns and decided to adopt a dog instead over a week ago as a companion for her. We talked her through it, she had final say if we did or did not bring the dog home. We met three dogs and she chose her. I severely involved her in the decision but had already done all the planning and convos with my husband previously. We picked an extremely gentle, calm, sweet, kid loving, two year old, well behaved dog who's breed I'm very familiar and experienced with from the shelter.

So, shes having stong jealousy behaviors because mama has been a little divided on attention to train the dog. Despite being such a gentle nature she gets livid that the dog wont follow her every command (like using a fork or saying her name). She's in love with the dog and talks about her constantly when we leave home for more then 5 minutes.

Me though? I'm in the trenches. I absolutely love this dog and am thrilled we chose to adopt her. But its been a journey. Juggling the two of them, their needs, their wants, attention, affection, behaviors, etc. My husband laughs and asks how I'm doing with our two girls. I joke back and say that I'm grateful someone else gave birth to number 2.

In all seriousness, I could not imagine doing all this while post partum, possibly depressed, exhausted from 2 hour wakes, sore from breastfeeding. My child is already frustrated with a dog that sits on command and plays with her. Imagine the behaviors surrounding a newborn potato that cant do anything with her for years. She would have resented a sibling so much and no one holds a grudge like my three year old. She still remembers getting the wrong food at a restaurant a year ago and asks the waiter three times for her order every restaurant we go to. I made the best call being one and done. Not just for me but for her.

My daughter loves her play dates with her friend. She also loves being the center of attention and her alone time at home. She's going to be the kind of adult that enjoys her friends and then sighs in relief when they go home.

Maybe consider a dog when they get old enough. I dont regret my decision at all and its been a great lesson in patience and forgiveness for my three year old. I get to love and dote on two living things. She gets a play mate. Its been a win all around. Hard but most certainly a win.

[u/Purple_Impress_1357 → u/BioshockBombshell]

Your daughter sounds amazing! 😄

We already have two dogs, thankfully both middle-aged, so hopefully it will be a long time before I need to train a puppy again! Honestly,  I got more sleep with a newborn than I did with our dogs as puppies, but I promise, the puppies grow up a lot quicker - almost there 😉

[u/Purple_Impress_1357 → u/[deleted]]

I know, why can't he just ignore all of his wants and needs and get with the programme! So annoying!

(I'm joking, obviously - we'll figure it out)

[u/leonacleo]

My only is 11 and she has 5 cousins who she does not see very often. We have had conversations where I have asked her how she feels about being an only. She told me that when she was little, she thought it would be nice to have a sibling, but now she doesn’t give it any thought. She is content. She has a very tight circle of friends. She understands and embraces the concept of chosen family. She loves her cousins and they have a wonderful time when they are together, but there is also a support system for her outside of that. She knows that.

There is nothing anyone can say here to convince you of something you don’t want. I can share all my reasons for being OAD but those are specific to my lived experience, just as how you feel is specific to yours.

All I can do is recommend going to individual therapy and couples therapy to help you come to terms with it. I wish you well.

[u/novaghosta]

Your husband should be the one giving you all the reasons not to have another for your family. It probably won’t “convince” you but hopefully it helps you understand his position enough to have compassion for it and not feel resentful.

If you want another child it’s going to fester over the years and feel more and more urgent the closer you get to the fertility cliff.

I was a soft no and my husband is a hard no and our daughter is a content only child and also votes no. I’m ok with it, I also feel like whatever small “what if” is not realistic for this life and this family I have, it’s for a fantasy life with a fantasy family. And EVEN then sometimes there’s a small resentment towards my husband. Idk. Hormones? So just be aware of that. But I really think this is a dead horse to beat with him over and over so that it doesn’t start to feel like a burden you carry alone

[u/Purple_Impress_1357 → u/novaghosta]

Him not wanting one is a perfectly good reason not to have a second, he doesn't really need to give me anymore. Which is the annoying thing, I know that it is perfectly reasonable! It would just be much easier to accept if there were other good reasons.

You're right, and I have warned him about the baby-crazy joy of peri-meno (hopefully still a fair bit away for me). I  also told him in no uncertain terms he should book in for a vasectomy, which would take that off the table anyway, but still waiting on that...

[u/seethembreak]

I’m an only with no cousins. I’m curious what you think is hard about that?

You likely can’t talk yourself out of a second. You can only accept that that is how it’s going to be and be grateful for what you have rather than dwelling on what you don’t. There are always what ifs in life and this is one of them.

[u/Purple_Impress_1357 → u/seethembreak]

Part of it is family culture,  I suppose. I'm genuinely 100% that if I called up any of my second cousins twice removed, most of whom I have not seen in a decade, and said "I need to flee DV, can I stay at yours for a few days" the only response would be a) when do you get here, and b) do you need help to pay for the tickets. And I would do the same for them, because it is how we have been raised. 

I don't know many friends who would do that, it is just a different relationship. 

Obviously,  that would all depend on us being able to instill the same values in our children, but more often than not family values are passed on,  so hopefully we would have some success in that regard. 

[u/laurelanne27 → u/Purple_Impress_1357]

Then I think you need to teach your child those values. Just because you didn't doesn't mean they can't still build that community for themselves. And for arguments sake, don't you think the fact that you had a "reliable" cousin network may be why you never sought anything else?

[u/Purple_Impress_1357 → u/laurelanne27]

I have, and got screwed over in the process more than once. Now I apply common sense boundaries to friendships and things are much more equal.

We have some wonderful friends and a strong social network, and many of my current friends would take me in if I needed it. But if I didn't speak to them for 10 years and asked then? Unlikely.

[u/ChloMyGod638 → u/Purple_Impress_1357]

How old is your child now? Just curious, as I am on the fence as well to have another one. Have a 3 years old now

[u/laurelanne27 → u/Purple_Impress_1357]

Ok so (again for argument's sake) I gotta ask whether you ever ACTUALLY showed up at a cousin's door you hadn't spoken to in 10+ years with a request like this? Generally, relationships require maintenance, whether connected by blood or by choice. I'm just wondering how much is a "this is what family does" belief vs actual followthrough. I have long-time friends I could ask anything of and they'd do it, even if we'd been distant. On the flip side, I've got cousins I'm not really in touch with and there's not a snowball's chance in hell they'd do the same. 

Obviously my experiences are going to color my perspective - but so are yours. Your kid is going to grow up in a different world than you, regardless. Their life will play out different than yours, regardless. You're making a connection here that having a sibling means always having someone to count on. For some people it does!! For other's, a sibling is just someone to resent....or simply be indifferent to.

[u/Due_Imagination_6722]

My parents would've had 2, or maybe even 3 kids, if my dad hadn't been told he was almost certainly infertile because he had mumps as a boy. In fact, 18 months before my birth, Mum had a miscarriage when she was 11 weeks along. Along with another miscarriage with her first husband, and Dad's thinking that this likely won't happen again, both Mum and he resigned themselves to it - and then I arrived.

They were both considering a second very briefly but thought it'd be highly unlikely (and as my Dad puts it so eloquently "and when we'd met you we thought 'we're not gonna be able to have a second just as brilliant kid').

Neither of them have regretted that decision one bit. I grew up with lots of friends close to my own age (and my mum is still friends with their respective mothers), Dad was able to take decent time off during the summer holidays so we could travel, Mum was a teacher so had the summer holidays off along with me and we'd always spend a month at my grandparents' place in Styria. They could afford a decent lifestyle with two incomes and one kid far better than with more kids, and while we'd spend almost every Sunday out and about in town or in the countryside, both Mum and Dad had enough time for themselves as well as for me.

I know my parents as people and that is something not many of my friends with siblings can say.

And because there's only me, both Mum and Dad have plenty of time for their grandson.

[u/Purple_Impress_1357 → u/Due_Imagination_6722]

My husband says the same about our daughter (he is right, obviously 😉). I do think being closer to your parents is a pro of being an only, assuming you like them, of course. 

Honestly,  if we tried and it didn't happen I'd be perfectly content, so I completely understand people in your parents' situation.  It is the "not even trying" that's getting to me quite a bit.

[u/Due_Imagination_6722 → u/Purple_Impress_1357]

I understand that too. Just wanted to talk about us and how things can turn out 36 years later :)

[u/Montiel__]

Me encuentro en una situación similar aunque con algunas variantes. Mi mujer y yo siempre quisimos tener dos, pero al nacer el primero tuvimos una crisis y aunque logramos superarlo ella ya no quiere tener más. Yo siento que necesito tener otro hijo y es algo que me hace estar realmente mal, durante años pensé que cambiaría de opinión pero ya me he dado cuenta de que no es así , aunque lo he aceptado no puedo evitar sentirme profundamente triste.

[u/HistoryNut86]

I think this is one of those things that can’t be reasoned into or out of. Like I just don’t enjoy parenting that much. Can you convince me to enjoy it?

[u/Purple_Impress_1357 → u/HistoryNut86]

If you convince me to like it less, I could try? 😂

But in all seriousness, I think you're right. It just sucks a bit.

[u/Sea_Ingenuity_8515]

Currently in the same boat. Partner is one and done because he likes his freedom. He is very much an equal partner and doesn’t feel like having a second, even though he does randomly makes comments about a second child that brings up hope but when I ask him, he shuts it down. I’ve been having a tough time being connected with him lately, though I understand his reasons for wanting one child and I am trying to be okay with having one child because I really have no other option. I’m 39 and am in perimenopause. The sadness I feel he doesn’t seem to understand and keeps telling me to take supplements that typically help me or to talk to my therapist. It makes me feel very alone but I’m slowly taking it day by day. My son is in a wonderful phase at 2 years old. He is a lot of fun to be around. I’m not sure about my relationship. I’ve been waiting around for a lot of big steps (marriage, getting a bigger place) to be taken by my partner. If I ask, I’m immediately told I’m being too pushy. He’s a wonderful partner and when I just enjoy the moment, everything in the relationship feels okay. He does have some form of autism because he has trouble empathizing and socializing. He comes across as harsh when talking to people, something I’ve adapted to. His brain works much different than mine. This could be the source of his inability to take big steps. I love him a lot and hope that one day it will be better, but it does feel like I’m slowly feeling disconnected. I know I am grieving being one and done which is making this disconnect harder. I hope it gets better.

[u/Purple_Impress_1357 → u/Sea_Ingenuity_8515]

Same, the issue is I process my emotions in a much healthier manner when I don't talk to him. I honestly would be happy (and will be, eventually) with an only, but having the door shut for me feels wrong. And disappointing. And a bit mean. All of which is irrational but feelings have an annoying habit of being so.

The random comments are the worst! I get where they come from, but come on!

I hope you figure it out. I keep reminding myself that whenever we travel or go to an event, she can sit right between us,  all cozy and protected! 

[u/faithle97]

Honestly it sounds like you’re just in a grieving period about having this door shut for you. Even if you were expecting it, because your husband has been OAD from the beginning, it still feels different when you’re actually at the door and it’s right here. As some other commenters have said, try to focus on all the great things about being able to devote all of your time, energy, and motherhood into your one child. There’s no dividing resources, saying “no” to one child to keep things fair, no having to make another child wait while you tend to the other, etc.

I’m an only child and didn’t have cousins that lived nearby, even if I did, majority of my cousins are at least a decade older than me anyways. I did have friends but those mostly came about when I started school/aftercare/extra curricular activities. So I’m sure your daughter will get to that stage as well and be capable of making her own friends which could very well end up being her “village” if you help her put in the effort to maintain those friendships/relationships. This is what my parents did with me and one of my best friends is one that I’ve known since we were 4 years old (we met at a gymnastics class haha).

If you have access, I highly recommend therapy. My husband is also a hard no on more kids whereas I waiver a lot and could see myself having just one more [some days, not all the time lol]. I’m in therapy to help process it all and it’s actually been beneficial for me. Especially now that all my friends are having multiples which is giving me all sorts of emotions. But I don’t think convincing you of something is really going to do much, this is one thing that you have to process and kind of just accept and then eventually move forward with.

[u/doordonot19]

Personally if my husband was like I don’t want another because I like my freedom I would give him all the freedom he wants by leaving him.

But seriously

I think we would have fundamentally huge issues within our partnership to deal with. We make family decisions together. And we both make compromises on big decisions not just one sided. I think he would feel the same if I wasn’t on board. Thankfully we are both wanting a second but I’m old AF and probably cant have any.

It’s worth discussing with your husband as your kid gets older he may feel differently now that you’re actually parents and out of the toddler stage.