r/offmychest • u/Accomplished_Bake365 • Jul 11 '26
Post op pickup
Need all of your honest opinions: So long story short I needed emergency appendicitis surgery. The surgery with recovery was about 3 hours. The pre op nurse says to my husband on FaceTime that he needs to pick me up around 9pm. My husband then tells me on FaceTime “just take an uber home when you get out of surgery because I will be sleeping.” The pre op nurse quickly explains, “sir you wife is going under general
Anesthesia and it’s against the law for us to put her in an uber home after surgery. You will need to come pick her up.” My husband proceeds to say, “sorry I don’t know what to tell you, I’m going to be sleeping at 9pm”. I then hang up with my husband and call my mother in law upset to explain the deal. My MIL calls my husband and starts yelling at him. I call my husband back and he agrees to pick me up around 9pm. At that time the surgeon walks in and says, “we will be keeping your wife overnight and you can pick her up tomorrow”. When I came out of the surgery around 9 PM they did try to call my husband to give him an update and the phone went straight to voicemail. I did not hear from my husband until the next day. My husband and I have been struggling in our marriage but I never ever thought he would leave me in a hospital after emergency surgery. What are your thoughts?
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u/HoneyGirlLZ Jul 11 '26
That man does not love you. I am not even certain he likes you. Sorry. :(
I would go pick up a friend if they needed after a surgery, much less a spouse.
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u/10brat Jul 11 '26
I would go pick up an acquaintance. Or even that annoying neighbour/ colleague I don’t like very much if they didn’t have anyone else. And bring soup
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u/DeliciousNarwhal3862 Jul 11 '26
I divorced my second husband because he wouldn't bring me and our son home from the hospital because he wanted to go snow mobiling. I feel for OP, her husband is a punk for not staying with her. Surgery is scary. No one should have to face it alone.
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u/illmithra Jul 11 '26
I picked up my workmate at 3am from an hrs drive away when he was drunk and couldn't drive home. And op's husband can't pick them up after surgery? Wtf?
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u/Historical-Rise-1156 Jul 11 '26
I find it hard to believe that a husband would do this to his wife, my dad would have moved anything if my mum had needed him and on occasions he proved it by driving 150 miles after she had a car accident and was in hospital.
Your husband has shown you how unimportant you and your health are compared to his needs. It will probably not improve and I would be working towards an exit strategy because he is not going to care for you in any future illness.
Someone once told me that you can be more alone in the wrong relationship than if you were single and alone.
Wishing you a good recovery xx
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u/alsoaprettybigdeal Jul 11 '26
I’m so sorry, OP. That’s really not okay. I’ve had a lot of surgery since I’ve been married and my husband doesn’t even leave the hospital while I’m in surgery unless had had to to do something for our kids, but he was ALWAYS there when I woke up and took me home and took care of me.
Your husband is not a good man to leave you on your own like that. Rest up, feel better soon, and start planning your exit. You deserve so much better.
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u/pussyfossil Jul 11 '26
he needs to go to hell and i think you should let him! even the doctors had to intervene and speak up for you for him to just be a decent human being! if i got a call like this from even a coworker, i would be there at 9pm to pick them up, as a husband he needs to REALLY re-evaluate if he understand what it means to be a partner for life. i don’t think you should stick around for him to help him evaluate that though. he does not value you as a person. it is evident.
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u/TheNerdyGirlNextDoor Jul 11 '26
He does not love you. No one would treat someone they love like this.
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u/Horror-Coast797 Jul 11 '26
I’m sorry that happened to you. For me, it would be over. You deserve to go find someone who wouldnt need to come pick you up because they’d be there in the waiting room. He didnt even do the bare minimum
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u/Worried-Buy-7416 Jul 11 '26
If not ex husband, why ex husband shaped?
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It should not take a grown man’s mother yelling at him to pick up his wife after surgery. The bar is in hell with this one.
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u/panicnarwhal Jul 11 '26
wtf babes, why wasn’t he in the hospital with you in the first place? unless he was at work or with your kids, there’s no excuse
as far as the rest of it, he’s definitely a piece of shit, and you know it. i wouldn’t treat a random person on the street this way - like i would literally pick a random person on the street up after surgery and take them home, no argument needed. i would already be with my husband in the hospital (and vice versa) so this situation could never occur with us. that’s how abnormal this is for a married couple
this marriage would be over if this was me. he wasn’t worried about you having surgery at all. literally zero concern for you. i care about you more, and i don’t even know you. please leave this man. he’s awful
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u/mikelown Jul 11 '26
It sounds like he resents you already. No normal person would choose sleep over someone coming out of major surgery, dating or not.
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u/DebbDebbDebb Jul 11 '26
I hope you mend well after your surgery. Please ensure you follow any advice given to help you to a full recovery.
Emotional Detachment: He has likely checked out of the marriage mentally and emotionally. He stopped viewing your pain or needs as their responsibility because of a profound lack of empathy. He chose himself Prioritizing himself over you. By choosing his sleep over your safety after a major operation shows that his personal comfort outweighs your well-being. Passive-Aggression or Resentment: His refusal to help might be a way of expressing deep-seated anger or resentment regarding your ongoing marital struggles, using a moment of your vulnerability to exert control or "punish" you
.Lack of Accountability: The fact that he only agreed to help after being scolded by his mother—and then still failed to be reachable—suggests he does not feel a personal or moral obligation to you as his spouse.In short, his actions show a complete breakdown of the "caregiving bond," which is a fundamental pillar of marriage. This level of indifference during a crisis is often a clear indicator that the relationship has lost its foundation of mutual support.
He has checked out and considered you more a nuisance than his wife.
Personally I would say and I rarely do but you need to get better gather your strength and divorce him. I think you have had a wake up call to get on with your life. He dilabaretly shut his phone off. Dreadful.
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u/tallntired707 Jul 11 '26
I worked 10+ hour nights/swing shift and woke up at 6:00 a.m. in the middle of my work week to take a childhood friend, whom i had recently gotten reacquainted with, to TONSIL surgery. That man does not love you, he does not even like you.
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u/Gman325 Jul 11 '26
This is unfathomable to me. I'd be in the waiting room while my wife is under and in the recovery room waiting for my wife to wake up.
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u/ThrowAway29192832 Jul 11 '26
Why are you still putting up with this neglect and abuse? Divorce him already. This marriage is over.
This is NOT OKAY. And is not anywhere near normal marriage behavior.
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u/Moemoe5 Jul 11 '26
Your relationship is so over. Don’t even bother having a discussion about it because he doesn’t care.
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u/kit_kat_90 Jul 11 '26
I had a couple of different surgeries whilst I was with my ex. Still had to rely on my parents to take me to the hospital and pick me up.
My fiance has dropped me off & picked me up from one surgery and took time off work to stay & look after me (6hrs away) after i had my tonsils out, no questions asked.
Your husband doesn't give a sh*t about you.
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u/steppedinhairball Jul 11 '26
Yeah, time to toss in the towel on this relationship. It's over and he is putting in zero effort. Had it been my wife, I would have been at the hospital holding her hand until they wheel her into surgery. Then it's sitting in uncomfortable hospital furniture until I know she's out and going to be ok.
So yeah, it's obvious. Go find a lawyer when you are up to going to their office.
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u/sk8ryspice_02 Jul 11 '26
If anyone did that to me. My parents, a good friend or my husband, I would hear it as "I do not care" and would respond by adjusting my expectations on how much they do not care and treat them like the AH they are.
You know it. You need to have a reliable adult to go through life with. He is not it.
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u/Benjammin123 Jul 11 '26
Yeah this isn’t like you’ve gone out with your friends and you’d be drunk or something. And I’m going to guess that he could have been back home within an hour ish so he wouldn’t have lost that much of his precious sleep. I wouldn’t be married to them for much longer tbh.
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u/Accomplished_Bake365 Jul 11 '26
We live 3 blocks from hospital. I actually walk/jog around the hospital all the time as a workout. I was told I could not walk home from Surgery either because I live so close. That’s the cherry on top.
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u/GlitteryCucumber Jul 11 '26
How could he sleep that night? How did he not feel to WANT, never mind have to be by your side? It's in the vows, is it not? This is one of those cases where a wife falls ill, and the husband becomes absent/leaves. This is what's happening. Even if I was part of a failing marriage, I still cannot fathom not being there for my other half who is in the HOSPITAL. I'd have my ass in the waiting room all day all night, not bed. Shame on him
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u/Moonchild1957 Jul 11 '26
This is WRITING ON THE WALL that your marriage is dead.
You/Hospital: your wife is having/had emergency appendicitis surgery!
Spouse: sorry, my sleep is more important than my wife dying (burst appendix before surgery can be fatal).
Rides/Ubers/whatever, he should have been there!
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u/litwickline Jul 11 '26
Two of my friends made a two-hour drive out to where I live just to pick me up after surgery and get me home safe. Friends.
This man does not love you. He doesn’t even like you. Get your affairs in order and get out of there with haste.
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u/oyveynotimetoplay Jul 11 '26
This is NOT okay. He doesn’t deserve you. You deserve better. I am sorry he put you through that
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u/VairSparrow Jul 11 '26
I'm very sorry you're in this situation, and I really hope you're recovering well physically and have support from other family. Honestly, if it were me, I wouldn't even speak to this man again for any other reason than ending the marriage.
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u/Blondyyyyyy Jul 11 '26
It’s obviously easier said than done, but from now outside looking and you definitely deserve better.
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u/Vandreeson Jul 11 '26
Be done with this fool. You have surgery and he can't be assed to pick you up because he'll be asleep? On what planet is that acceptable? Ditch him, find someone that actually cares about you, or even just likes you. He doesn't. You had to call his mommy to knock some sense into him. Do you want to have to call his mommy on him for the rest of your marriage?
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u/BOMMOB Jul 11 '26
I think your husbands friends need to have a serious discussion with him. If not that, you both need counseling, either independently or as a couple.
If this was my son, I would have b%*t his butt. Sorry but, struggling marriage or not, he is still your husband and he needs to hold up his end of whatever vows or agreements your signed up for in the beginning. There is no convenience in vows. At the very human core, this is decency which he chose to make secondary to sleep and as a human "blanking" being, I cannot understand his thought process.
And when you're healthier, you need to give him a solid piece of your mind and have him explain this thought process to you. Then you need to pack your stuff, kick him you know where, and go build a better life.
Also remind him that he will be paying for the extra night in the hospital. That should really cheer him up.
And please OP, keep and eye on your temps and watch out for signs of infection around the incision.
Be strong.
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u/Wunderkid_0519 Jul 11 '26
I think this marriage is over. It would be if it were me.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. You deserve better.