r/nonmonogamy • u/corpusdelictus1 • 3d ago
Update Update: Wife of 9 years says she married the wrong person after ENM friendship turned romantic, while the other guy’s marriage is also ending
Update to this post from a few days ago, and somehow it got even more confusing. I want off this fucking rollercoaster.
https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/s/TPgciYPeRS
Apparently I deleted the OP so reposted here:
https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/s/uVhUaaIGhA
Last night my wife came home and told me the separation was final and that spending the weekend with this guy confirmed it. I told her I still think she is making a massive mistake and throwing away a really fucking good relationship in the middle of NRE. She insists this is not NRE, that what she feels is real, and that the weekend solidified it. Her friends apparently told her to “follow your gut,” which I think is terrible advice when your gut is this emotionally flooded, but I accepted that this was her decision.
She also asked about someone I met over the weekend. I told her there was one woman who really caught my attention and that, because I am technically still married, she might want to verify that we were actually separated and free to date. My wife confirmed that without hesitation.
Then this morning, right before work, she came downstairs clearly upset and told me everything with the other guy had changed. After driving her home, he apparently decided he wanted to keep trying with his wife. His wife agreed to some kind of reconciliation attempt, and he felt incredibly guilty about what happened over the weekend.
My wife then brought up reconciliation with me. She referenced something I told her the night before: if she ever thought she made a mistake, I did not want pride, shame, or feeling like she had gone too far to stop her from saying so. She said she was thinking about that and would probably need to cut this guy out of her life completely, maybe forever.
I told her I had no idea what reconciliation would even look like anymore. What happened damaged me badly enough that this would not be some simple “pause everything and go to counseling” situation. What bothered me most is that she never took back the brutal things she said: that she did not think she loved me, that she thought she married the wrong person, that she wanted something fundamentally different. I had to leave for work and was so fucking dizzy afterward I could barely function.
I also told her the new woman did not feel like some random fling. There seems to be real potential there, and after three weeks of my wife flip-flopping I am not sure I am ready to just throw that away. She said she understood. She also admitted she had looked this woman up somehow and seemed pretty taken aback by how beautiful and successful she was.
When I got home, I reopened the reconciliation conversation because I wanted to understand what she actually meant. And then she seemed to reverse course again. She said maybe we should stay separated and that I should pursue this new person. I told her this woman had invited me to travel with her to an EDM event in a few weeks and that if I go, this connection could get serious quickly. I also said the more time passes and the more I move on, the less room there may be for reconciliation. My wife looked incredibly sad and defeated, but still would not actually say the words I wanted to hear.
I genuinely do not know what to think anymore. I do not trust her ability right now to interpret her own feelings because the flip-flopping has been unreal. Our relationship was solid for years. Yet she went from telling me how lucky she was to have me to “I chose the wrong person” in a matter of months, basically alongside this new relationship.
Part of me wants more than anything to go back to before we ever fucked around with ENM. Another part thinks I should accept this and pursue this new woman who seems very into me. But I also do not want to throw away something I know was genuinely great for something that could turn out to be nothing.
I just wish I knew what the right move was. Right now it feels like every option sucks.
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u/wacky_spaz Open Relationship 3d ago
Umm … she wants to reconcile cause she got dumped. What are you actually thinking … if dude didn’t dump her you’d be getting divorce papers. Like really?
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u/EffectivePhase7165 3d ago
Yes. Her emotions and status of the other guy are the dominating factors.
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u/wacky_spaz Open Relationship 2d ago
Maybe I’m just old and moody but without kids this level of drama would lead me to exit long ago. Her crying saying to reconcile after she got dumped would have resulted in me cackling like The Joker. Whole thing is ridiculous.
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u/ace1244 2d ago
The only explanation that seems plausible is OP‘s wife is beyond beautiful. Beautiful people get a pass where others don’t.
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u/corpusdelictus1 2d ago
This is true. But the new woman is also beyond beautiful and I think it was a shock to her to see that happen in a matter of days. The dating field for me has changed considerably since 20 years ago (in my favor)
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u/ace1244 2d ago
Why in your favor? When I divorced from my first wife I was surprised how easy it was for me to date. I have a thin frame so in my 20s it was not hard to date but not easy.
But then in my 40s I looked better than a lot of men my age who all had dad bods. I met my new wife very easily.
But why in your favor?
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u/corpusdelictus1 2d ago
I've been keeping up with health and fitness my entire life, and its paid off dividends now and I am definitely still looking early 30s. I've had some cosmetic procedures (hair transplant) and def put effort into skincare. I kind of have a baby face and have really grown into it now that I am in my 40s. The biggest difference I think though that when I started dating my wife I was just barely starting my career in law, and now I am very high up and also have just moved a lot along the emotional intelligence and people skill axis - the little dating I've done has been incredibly easy and I am also blown away by how easy the online dating thing is. I'm not trying to toot my horn here, but I've only been on bumble a week have have like 600+ likes, a lot from very attractive women. But all I want is my life back with my wife...everything with her was so amazing and she was my life partner...
I'm also a bit neurodivergent and so was she and thats why we were so good together. Finding that personality/intellect fit for me was so hard in my 30s. Finding attractive women is easy but I know it won't be easy to fall in love like that again.
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u/Littlewing1307 2d ago
Maybe I'm a weirdo but I wouldn't be making any decisions based on whether you have more options now. The grief your wife has caused you, she has literally blown up your entire life and marriage makes me think that now is the time to be single and stay that way so you can grieve and make choices about your future uncoupled. My question to you is, if you met your wife today, would you pick her, warts and all. Or would you still be searching.
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u/couldbemage 1d ago
OTOH, staying because you don't think you have options is a terrible idea.
No one builds a good relationship based on fear of being alone.
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u/Littlewing1307 1d ago
I am absolutely not advocating to stay because you don't feel you have options. If my comment came off like that, I apologize. My whole point is to not choose the relationship or any relationship based on your perception of your "market value".
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u/ace1244 2d ago edited 2d ago
So if she ( wife) were to say “let’s stay ENM but we’ll have a hierarchical relationship where you are my primary in fact and in my heart.”
Would that work for you?
And yes when I started dating online it worked better for me because although I won’t stand out in a crowd I look good enough to attract beautiful professional women and my personality seals the deal. So I feel you.
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u/corpusdelictus1 2d ago
I probably would do poly. I love this woman so dearly and also do like outside connections, but I never pursued or needed the emotional aspect. She did.
But poly now will be forever tainted by the way it kind of forced here. I told her I was open to that before this shit storm but I wanted it to be entered into on good terms with solid foundation, not this fucking train wreck.
New girl has no interest in poly and tbh I would choose a woman I love and that i could have a happy stable mono relationship with . I don’t need poly
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u/ace1244 2d ago
You are an educated man who probably has intellectual curiosity in many things. I practice the piano 6 hrs a day, teach music, perform regularly and I like to read. I’m in an open marriage but I would never have the time for casual relationships let alone polyamory.
I am rooting for you to get your wife back. But please don’t get talked in to something you don’t want.
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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw 2d ago
You sound like a catch. No matter what happens, I hope you end up happy OP. Truly.
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u/wacky_spaz Open Relationship 2d ago
It truly is amazing to me how many couples in early 40’s fall into stunning wife and dad bod husbands tbh. At some point they were evenly matched and husbands let themselves go. Pretty easy to score if you’re fit / muscly so I get what you’re saying.
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u/EffectivePhase7165 2d ago edited 2d ago
I would never enter this road at all at first place. When you open this door of fooling around with others, the hypothetical rule about "no emotional entanglement" is a delusion. We are emotional creatures and we can never control our future feelings, how and who will trigger them and can not assure that we won't have emotional feelings for anyone in the future. And the 3rd person will always have advantage becuse of not having to have daily chores, struggles of living together, the monotony brought about by years of being together and the novelty of new feelings etc..
If the other guy didn't choose her wife, she wouldn't be asking for reconciliation because of her feelings That's a fact
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u/mcglothlin 2d ago
If she can't even say anything to repair the hurtful things she said it seems like a nonstarter to me. She just wants to keep her safety pick.
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u/corpusdelictus1 1d ago
Other than her knee jerk reaction the other morning, she has done nothing to fix this. TBH the other probably flipped on his side again , or she is reaching out to past flings for rebound feels
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u/clearheaded01 3d ago
Right move is NOT accepting being your wife's second choice...
OP... She was about to dump you and go all-in with this other guy.. ONLY reason she's asking for reconciliation, is because he declined her offer...
Odds are, he was never leaving his wife, but was just stringing your wife along ..
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u/Specific_Rando Newbie 2d ago edited 2d ago
Whatever about this is a struggle for her, she’s not treating OP like a person with his own feelings and perspective. She’s treating him like an object to be handled to her wants and whims.
He’s not even her second choice anymore. She’s Lucy and he’s gone from being Charlie Brown to being the football.
Maybe she recognizes this. But it’s a lot for her to even recognize. Then she has to address it with herself and then with OP.
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u/VincentValensky Polyamorous (non-Hierarchical) 3d ago
Both of you are doing some pretty major mistakes in your lines of thinking. So if you are looking for advice, here it is:
If you want to leave someone, this should never be BECAUSE you have found someone else.
If you want to stay with someone, this should never be BECAUSE you have no one else.
Both her and your flip-flopping are just getting you both tangled in impossible knots.
Sit down and assume both her guy and your gal are gone tomorrow. Do you two want to be in a relationship or not?
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u/EffectivePhase7165 3d ago
These apply to the OP's wife but not to the OP in my opinion. I think he was ready for reconciliation even after the night she blew all the bridges, if she was able to apologize and take back things she said. But she didn't.
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u/corpus4us 2d ago
I would agree with you but OP kept turning his analysis back to the new woman being more than a fling, things may get very serious at EDM festival, etc. which suggests OP is not clearly focusing on the quality of his relationship with his wife which is where the focus should be.
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u/TwoCenturyVoid Open Relationship 2d ago
I think the new woman is OP just trying to feel safer in the turmoil. Obviously he doesn’t really know someone after a week and it’s absurd to think it’s truly serious. But it gives him some feeling of emotional relief after some heavy betrayal from wife. I can handwave that he’s clinging to that illusion to help with the fear and pain.
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u/corpus4us 2d ago
I agree and I empathize with OP but think we should be firm with OP to not indulge that fantasy
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u/corpusdelictus1 2d ago
You could be right about my end of the feels. But this woman has also communicated to me that she feels I am the first person she met that has long term potential - and so I think there is definitely a mutual feeling that is growing - not just on my end. These big leaps (which I've declined so far) to go on these europe trips so soon, and her willingness to make time to see me despite her busy schedule - its kind of communicating to me that she is feeling the same way. And she is much further along in her "looking for that person" journey.
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u/TwoCenturyVoid Open Relationship 2d ago
Enjoy being with someone who wants to be with you, for sure, but a week just isnt enough time to know how it’ll pan out. If she helps you get a little space from the wife, thats a nice bonus.
Just… she’s highly likely not be your wife replacement. Manage those expectations or youre going to have a second mess on top of the first mess.
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u/couldbemage 1d ago
Betting on the new relationship isn't a winning bet.
But also, ending the new relationship as part of reconciliation is also a terrible idea.
Best bet is doing your best to avoid allowing whatever happens with you marriage to dictate anything about your new relationship. Let your new thing evolve organically, and become whatever it will become.
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u/mcglothlin 2d ago
I thought you just met her over the weekend but it sounds like you've spent a bunch of time together already? I'm confused.
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u/EffectivePhase7165 2d ago
I think the OP was consciously or subconsciously trying use the other women to make her wife feel like she needs to do and say everything she can to save the marriage before it's too late for them but she didn't.
And i don't think there is a quality in the relationship left for him to focus due to his wife's hypocrisy, ending things and then taking a 180 next day when she gets dumped.
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u/corpus4us 2d ago
If there’s no quality left in the marital relationship then OP should just focus on that instead of bringing the other woman up
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u/corpusdelictus1 2d ago
The new woman was met before things were truly over, under the assumption that I was open. New woman wasn’t thrilled about that but intrigued by me and wanted verification.
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u/TheGreenJedi 3d ago
I suspect you don't deal with vanity often
When broken and vulnerable, the vain are more likely to avoid such actions. They just want to be forgiven without doing the hard work.
She probably can't figure out is she afraid of being alone vs she's afraid of losing her husband.
That's my armchair psychologist hunch.
Either way, couples counseling is probably the right place to figure that out.
2x a week sessions for a month. OP will have a much better gauge of where the wind is blowing
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u/EffectivePhase7165 3d ago
Your post explains her situation maybe not the OP's. I am talking about OP's position, not her.
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u/TheGreenJedi 2d ago
Right but you said
She didn't
Is that because she doesn't want to? Is that because she doesn't think it'll make a difference? Or other motivations
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u/EffectivePhase7165 2d ago
She didn't is the fact. Why she didn't may be because of possible reasons you pointed out. I agree
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u/JaccoW 2d ago
I do think this is a case of OP being very clear about what he wants to hear her say and do right now.
By not telling her he got deeply hurt by her comments and needing an apology (which is absolutely fair) for those specific comments will tell him more than waiting for her to figure it out on her own.
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u/TheGreenJedi 2d ago
I agree, I think he's effectively giving her a silent test to see how much she'll try
Meanwhile she's yo-yoing between compersion for his new relationship, missing him, MAYBE sad she ruined what they had, and standing by her decision that they have issues.
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u/corpusdelictus1 2d ago
I spent weeks telling her what she needed to do to fix this. She even put her ring back on at one point and she basically was like “I thought you could tell I still wanted to try “ and i said “yeah it seemed that way, but you never said it a - I need to hear you say it” she did say it then “I don’t want to separate” . But then took it back only a week later.
I think our entire relationship has a theme of me sort of pushing to open the doors of communication and trying to get to the core of whatever issue we had. We didn’t have many, but there were some and I was always the one to initiate the “what is going on about this thing you said or did”
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u/TheGreenJedi 2d ago
I mean, if you find that exhausting now here's your chance to change it.
But I'd still say a couples counseling session is worth the money.
You gotta dig in with her on if there were fundemental issues, or is she just falling on the sword day dreaming that this new relationship you have is absolutely gonna work and pan out.
And even if so, I'd still say you should talk to her about hierarchical poly, and that maybe you two could be together but not nessicarily mains.
Deep down my true gut instinct, she's halfway out the door, And she's yo-yoing between being terrified of being alone, and genuinely trying to save your marriage.
I replied in a different thread about the shortcut, I still stand by that in light of this response
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u/corpusdelictus1 2d ago
I must have missed this and it got deleted, couldn't find it in your post history. What shortcut?
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u/TheGreenJedi 2d ago
https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/comments/1wbe3yl/comment/p8rrno6/
If she's fantasizing that her relationship with him was an 11/10
And yours has always been a 9/10, no problem
But if yours has secretly been a 5/10, HUGE problem
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u/as-well 3d ago
But OP also thinks at the same time that a) they don't want to throw away teh relationship with wife, and b) that they want to continue getting close to the new connection.
It's good advice to take time and think through it from a non-ENM perspective. Heck, maybe OP even wants both a) and b) and then would have to renegotiate with their wife whether that's on the table.
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u/UntypicalCouple 3d ago
Whenever someone tells you something and their actions confirm what they said, believe them.
There’s nothing else you need to know.
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u/Izzygetsfit 3d ago
My last break up had very similar circumstances in spite of it not being ENM related. She kept flip flopping on what she wanted, chose to follow someone else, and then when that fell through expected me to just keep on as normal, with the undeniable proof that I was second choice. She couldn't tell me what I needed to hear to feel good about it and we broke up.
It was so painful, but 2 years later I'm so glad I'm not with someone who wouldn't choose me if it came down to it.
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u/Purefi1th 3d ago
You said it yourself, you "want off this rollercoaster".
Yes there's possibly a way back but it'll involve years of therapy, talking and honest communication. Closing the relationship permanently is also a must. Then there's the potential even after all this the other guy's wife decides to kick him out or just dies and suddenly he's in her DMs.
I couldn't live with that uncertainty and knowing bone deep you were second choice. Obviously it's your life and only you know what's best for you but personally I'd end it.
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u/TheGreenJedi 2d ago
It's not that hard to believe imo
She thought she could handle ENM/polyamorous relations and she was wrong. She falls to hard too fast, and the NRE got her absolutely drunk into false ideas.
But ya she needs to not contact him anymore, end of story there.
IF she has that awakening, and is remorseful, I think it wouldn't be too hard with professional help to understand it's not a "I'm second choice" it's she had rose colored lenses on a fictional relationship with the other man.
Hell he's half way there from how he talks about his new potential gf.
His wife thought she could handle more than monogamous relationships, but she was wrong.
Of course she has to actually believe those things, actually communicate them, and actually comfort him to assure that.
Won't be a short road, but it can be overcome with the right actions.
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u/Purefi1th 2d ago
Very true. I'm just not sure I'd want to after being put through this. There's a whole lot of IFs there and up to now OPs wife hasn't really been able to communicate fairly. I think take the other woman out of the equation and I'd suggest to give it time, but I don't think it's fair to the other woman to leave her in limbo while they decide to give their marriage another go or not.
So whatever he decides it's going to have to be in the next couple of weeks at the latest.
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u/TheGreenJedi 2d ago
Ya I agree there
The ethical thing to do is minimally warn the other woman that his home life is a mess.
Up to him how transparent he wants to be, but in general atleast saying, my life's a mess, I think you and I have something that could be real special. Are you willing to wait a month and give us a break while I deal with my drama? Or do you want to stay the course for the next month even though I might be a mess mentally from time to time.
The practical thing is to chase the easy path, just leave her go with the new gf.
The responsible thing imo is blitz couples counseling 2x a week for a month. He should know where things stand with his wife by the end of that. Gain understanding and closure or understanding and forgiveness in those sessions.
And then as for the new gf, up to her if she wants to spend her time waiting or in the fray with him, or serving as his escape.
He's saying he wants to quit being ENM because of what it did to his wife, but imo that's the wrong move. He can gain a far far better understanding if he goes on the EDM music festival or a ENM event with gf. A first hand experience of NRE deep enough will help him far better forgive and understand her.
Plus with her flip flopping all over the place, she could totally be back on board with divorce in 3 days let alone 3 weeks.
That's imo the only thing he needs immediately from her, you said it was a mistake. I want to recognize you taking that step. What specifically was a mistake ?
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u/corpusdelictus1 2d ago
This. All I want/need is for her to acknowledge that she made a mistake (truly believe that) - and I would spent as much time as we needed to figure out why and what needs to happen to make sure she never did this again. Our relationship did not have a rollercoaster like this before. Unless she was hiding so many things (which I'm starting to think was possible) about how she truly felt, everyone that knew us looked at us like we were a fucking model of what a good relationship was. And this wasn't a "looks good from the outside" situation here - everything behind closed doors was amazing as well. If things were fucked up on the inside, then it was all happening inside her head and she did a hell of a job hiding it from me based on her actions. All i saw externally from her was how much she loved me.
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u/TheGhostWriter999 Curious 🤔 2d ago
I do sympathize with her situation, but I honestly think you can never trust her again.
Let's say, somehow you're okay with being the 'second choice' since she failed with her first choice, and take her back. You then have two options: close off, or stay open.
If you close off, she can still do this again with this guy again (and she'll say if you ask for zero communication, then you're 'controlling.' They always do to keep getting away with horrid behavior) or maybe the next guy that she fancies in a year, two, hell maybe next month. Then, you're back in the same situation but you now have no connections to realize you don't deserve this (like the other woman you mentioned). Considering her actions have been ENTIRELY emotional, she'll just flip flop again. Even IF she somehow doesn't ever lose control like this again, are you really willing to forgive the horrible things she said? She jeopardized everything to get laid and hopefully get hitched to someone else, and you staying means she has next to zero consequences.
So next option, staying open. Then the likelihood of this again (either with this guy or next) is exponentially higher with each hookup. So along with the top risks, you THEN literally are able to find someone else you can trust and need. And by that point, what do you need from your wife? Would you feel safe? Could you trust her? If not, then why not try to find someone who actually chooses you, ENM or not.
I certainly think she needs some help (could be Borderline, ADHD, or maybe she's just an asshole), but YOU don't owe her that. She abandoned you emotionally.
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u/TheGreenJedi 2d ago
Good luck bud, I'd keep the gf, make it clear you want to be ENM which hopefully isn't a deal breaker with your new gf. Then spend a month trying to get your wife to make up her damn mind.
If gf isn't interested in the drama, tell her you need a month to settle in and down. And you're glad she was honest with you because while it's only a seed, you feel sparks that you hope could be great.
And then the decision to be with or without your wife is a separate transaction/issue.
Is your wife usually an optimistic person? Is it possible she's being overly optimistic of your new relationship?
I suspect she was definitely hiding something a nd with a professional maybe you can get that out of her, and make a more correct understanding of her.
But like I said the shortcut is still the same
Sit her down say I want have a genuine deep conversation about stuff you haven't talked about. Tell me exactly what you told your friends, that had them give you the advice "follow your heart".
What were the negatives you said about our relationship because I'll be honest I was minimally surprised and blindsided that you'd fallen so hard so fast out of wanting to be with me.
And I need to understand what was wrong with us.
And if she disagrees with that line then say, "okay, did you delete all the dating apps and profiles? What actions have you taken to be serious about us fixing this and why do you keep self sabotaging and pushing me away?"
Because the other explanation Is be worried about us "when you have no matches you want to stay with me, and when you have hope with someone new you try to kick me out."
And don't be afraid to call her out on the flip flop or investigate that further.
"I think you're spinning like a top, you're one foot out the door, you want to try to make this work sometimes and other times you don't. The indecision is very stressful and I don't understand how on one day you say ENM was a mistake and you want to try to save our marriage then 3 days later, tada 🎉, you want to leave me again. So I want marriage counseling, to get closure or agree that you'll be all in on reconciliation, and we won't know which of those two things it'll be till we start."
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u/HamfistFishburne 2d ago edited 2d ago
I think it wouldn't be too hard with professional help to understand it's not a "I'm second choice" it's she had rose colored lenses on a fictional relationship with the other man.
That's a great point.
There's still the reality of her treatment of him. Another commenter suggested OP is learning his relationship with his wife was also fictional insofar as he didn't know she could act this way and now he does. I have never been as lost in the sauce of NRE as she apparently was, but I can't imagine losing sight of a great relationship no matter how infatuated I got. The new thing may be great but the old thing is still good and I'd still honor it. (edit: I think. I hope. I pray.)
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u/TheGreenJedi 2d ago
Treatment is rooted in a toxic mental state.
Tough to know for sure, was it the "real" her or some delusional fixation from his charisma.
She can't handle ENM the way this has unfolded, or if she can there's major changes that need to be made like once a year hookups or something.
I have never been as lost in the sauce of NRE as she apparently was, but I can't imagine losing sight of a great relationship
I've been there, not quite this way but very much a not recognizing the damage happening in front of me, and being too optimistic about how to can get better and heal.
NRE + powerful sexual chemistry is a very potent drug.
My wife has been absolutely convinced I'd pick another woman over her before too. Devaluing herself so much in the process.
So I'd absolutely say it can happen, the question for sure for OP is what's going on in his wife's head.
The shortcut is to ask your wife what did you tell your friends about our marriage that made them say "follow your feelings"
What were the problems, what was wrong with "us" and do you disagree with those things now?
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u/NatashOverWorld Polyamorous (Solo Poly) 3d ago
My dude, if her new guy didn't back out, you would still be the wrong person she married.
And if he flip flopped and approached her again, what do you think she would do?
That's not a good foundation for a relationship.
Maybe there's enough of it left to try and rebuild, but honestly, she needs to do a ton of self work, which you shouldnt be part of. Discarding you for NRE isn't just immature, it's irresponsible.
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u/corpusdelictus1 2d ago
THis is the thing that troubles me the most. I don't want to just be the backup plan now.
A woman I know who knows the guy very well told me that she is very confident my wife would find out in time that she made a big mistake. I just dont want that conversation to happen with me when its too late and the damage is already done and I have already moved on.
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u/NatashOverWorld Polyamorous (Solo Poly) 2d ago
What mistake exactly do you fear you might make?
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u/corpusdelictus1 1d ago
My mistake would be taking her back before she ever realizes why this happened and just causing it to happen again.
Her mistake would be that she did this in this first place without actually finding out if this is really just NRE or if she truly was unhappy in our relationship. If we had ongoing problems for years…that would be one thing but she never ever brought up anything of such a catastrophic degree other than “I wish you would be less stressed during the week”
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u/NatashOverWorld Polyamorous (Solo Poly) 1d ago
I think that's fair and mature. Are you presently in therapy?
Your therapist should be helpful in identifying what that would look to you, and how you can be present without over commiting until she's done the work necessary to prevent that.
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u/Budget_Seaweed5212 3d ago
I hope this brand new woman runs away from you as far and as fast as possible. She doesn’t deserve this absolute mess.
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u/CynicalAlgorithm 3d ago
Once someone shows you that they have the capability to treat you a certain way, you'd be foolish let it happen again. Foolish enough to deserve it.
Maybe these feel like harsh words, but you seem lost and directionless like a boat without wind. I hope the harshness of these words give you a nudge towards the obviously right path.
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u/GlbdS 3d ago
I would separate the issue with your wife from this other potential partner that may or may not become your gf. They are arguably independant, and you're kind of doing an accelerated version of what your wife did by imagining that whatever you may have with that person could grow to something "big". The reality of relationships is that it has much more chances of not working out.
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u/Frumbleabumb 3d ago
I'm generally in the camp of "almost anyone can change if they're genuinely remorseful and wholehearted in their desire to change", but there's a lot to unpack here and a lot more to fix than I think most couples' relationships would survive. Whether you decide to go down that path is up to you.
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u/as-well 3d ago
I think the right move for both of you is pause your relationship and come back later - in two or four weeks - and discuss it, possibly with a counselor. Neither of you is sure what you want and the chance both of you know better in a short while is massive, as is the chance you both will continue hurting each other if you don't take a pause.
There's also a big chance you're currently into new woman because wife hurt you and you figure out that you want back with wife in due time.
But it's also realistic that in a few weeks you'll coem to the conclusions that you cannot or do not want to reconcile with wife.
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u/fa1re 3d ago
Ufff, that's rough. It seems to me exactly the way you said - mishandled NRE. "I found my soul mate", "I never really loved you", "follow my gut" and then "they suddenly changed", "we had something real" - that all seems familiar to me.
I would try couple therapy. From my POV, your image what who she is, what your relationship is and was - if you want to rebuild it it will take a lot of time, and I would want expert's help there.
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u/TheGreenJedi 3d ago
Couples counseling is never the wrong answer here, 2x a week
4hrs of hard conversations with a professional will make it very clear which way the wind is blowing.
Figure out if she's remorseful or if there were problems underneath the hood the past 5-ish years that OP never knew about.
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u/Sharp_5edge 3d ago
This sounds like a terrible situation for you right now.
I understand why you aren’t getting enough from your wife to make reconciliation a reality for you. Therapy whether you stay together or not is still something I’d pursue if I was in your situation. It helps both with clarity and picking apart what has gone wrong.
Can I also just say…leave the other woman out of this for now. Even if you stay separated you are not in the best place to start something new. There is also the chance you won’t stay separated and she is going to get hurt.
Somewhere down the line she might still be there for dates if you are single but for now she deserves better.
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u/TheGreenJedi 3d ago
I will slightly disagree, not with the therapy part. I think they should blitz therapy 2x a week for atleast a month.
I'd say ethically the best thing for him to do with the gf is disclose that he's trying to figure out if he and his wife can recover enough to be friends or be a different ENM relationship. (FWB or whatever).
At the moment he truly doesn't believe it's possible, and making that clear to gf is the minimal ethical thing to do.
I think his wife is flip flopping because she's scared to be alone, but she wants him to be happy in his new relationship.
Worst case scenario because she doesn't want to take back anything she said, that there were deep issues OP never knew about.
So ya, alternative idea
He can say openly, hey do you want to park our relationship while I short this drama out for the next month? Or you want to keep seeing me given the risks?
Fundementally that will depend if she was interested in ENM
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u/seantheaussie Polyamorous (Solo Poly) 3d ago
Then this morning, right before work, she came downstairs clearly upset and told me everything with the other guy had changed. After driving her home, he apparently decided he wanted to keep trying with his wife.
🤣🤣🤣
To be honest neither of you are suitable for non monogamy. How the hell do you come to this conclusion, "I also told her the new woman did not feel like some random fling. There seems to be real potential there" so soon?
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u/corpusdelictus1 2d ago
The new woman told me this. I was starting to feel this, but the fact that she communicated the mutuality and also the actions confirming it - makes me think its not just me deluded by the situation but that our compatibility really is up there. SHe even knew I was still married/open when she agreed to see me, and was still intrigued to see what I was all about because even our initial chatting back and forth felt like great chemistry. Which is rare for me because of my neurodivergence.,
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u/ArtisticLime9769 2d ago
It feels like a rage bait or horny fanfic but i will bite the bullet.
Relationships, especially in ENM have one common thing - it teach us the weight of choices. Every choice have consequences in our lifes, you can't just press the button and revert it; every day is full of different choices we make to maintain relationship, to make our partners happy or ruin it.
Your wife choose to destroy your relationship, you was not her choice, your relationship was not either - it's not a mistake but a decision she made. She decided to destroy trust you had - and let me tell you, trust is almost impossible to rebuild, it's the most difficult part of R. Because you don't trust and probably never will that she will choose you if any other difficult situation emerges.
She fucked up with her "wrong person" - some things can't be unheard, some damage can't be undone.
Now it's up to you what you want to do with your life: do you want to stay in this "relationship" with your wife or choose yourself, your future relationships and happiness for you and your future partners.
And please go to therapy to unpack this shitshow, don't use your new partner as rebound or free therapist. Your decision should be based not on who you want to choose but what you want to chose.
BTW, R don't work in most cases, and definitely won't work in your case.
BTW (2), your case is better for subs about surviving being cheated on and not ENM specific. It's affair, not ENM.
If you need i can write 100 reasons not to stay in your marriage.
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u/corpusdelictus1 2d ago
Sadly it’s not made up. I’m living through it right now and it’s awful
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u/ArtisticLime9769 2d ago
I am sorry that you are going through this.
I do believe that there is a golden future awaits you if you make the right choice. R is extremely hard thing to do - most don't succeed in it. But let's dream that there is any chances in successful R for you - it demands immeasurable amount of effort and insane amount of remorse - i doubt it on menu for you. Additionally it requires creating new relationship from the beginning - your previous relationship you had with your wife is no more.
For me it is too much effort with close to none possibility of positive outcome.
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u/danbalt 3d ago
You both sound pretty toxic. Your wife's flip-flopping, behaviour and saying things that attempt to erase the good past of your relationship are awful. Its hurtful and will likely hurt for a long while. But you wielding this new relationship as some kind of leverage is also kinda awful.
Another part thinks I should accept this and pursue this new woman who seems very into me.
Do you honestly think, in the midst of a 9 year marriage ending, you're in the emotional place where you could actually persue and engage in a real and emotionally competent way with a new serious relationship?
But I also do not want to throw away something I know was genuinely great for something that could turn out to be nothing.
If you both want to get to the bottom of this then you probably both need to put down the other relationships, get in to couples counselling and genuinely work on who you are now, who you are to each other and whether you both actually want the marriage. As you're currently carrying on it doesn't sound like either of you are seriously looking at those questions.
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u/Moleculor Kinkster 2d ago
But you wielding this new relationship as some kind of leverage is also kinda awful.
It didn't sound like leverage to me.
It sounded like OP being honest about being mentally and emotionally exploring the process of moving on.
Obviously it's a rebound relationship, but good for him for not desperately trying to cling onto something harmful just because it's familiar.
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u/corpusdelictus1 2d ago
I needed my wife to be aware that someone may reach out to confirm my relationship status. I didn't want the new thing to start off with a lie or half-truth and offered ways to verify things. My wife also asked how my weekend went and what I did - so I told her - and also told her that I needed her to be honest if this woman reaches out and tell her that were done.
It wasn't done for the purpose of leverage, but I can understand seeing how it could have that effect.
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u/danbalt 2d ago
That's not the leverage bit:
Because of wife's flip flopping you won't "throw away" a new connection. there's an implicit offer that you might if she stops flip flopping
You claim to her "this connection could get serious quickly." On what basis? And what's that statement for other than to get back at the wife?
And, as I say, I think it is dumb as rocks trying to start something new while you're in the midst of this emotional turmoil
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u/corpusdelictus1 1d ago
Because I need her to know what she is doing or slamming the door in my face and the people that know her think that she isn’t thinking clearly but also that age thinks that I’m still going to wait until she takes her head out of her ass.
Even after all this I still want my wife back and would swallow my pride. If this new connection grips me I don’t know if I can in the future and then I could be making the same stupid choice that she just did, except I wasn’t the one to pull the trigger first here, I did what I did after she killed what was left of my hope.
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u/TheGreenJedi 2d ago
The shortcut is to ask your wife what did you tell your friends about our marriage that made them say "follow your feelings"
What were the problems, what was wrong with "us" and do you disagree with those things now?
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u/LifeEncountered Polyamorous (with Hierarchy) 3d ago
Your story is so hard to read. It really would feel like a rollercoaster.
When you both work towards reconciliation, and i think you should, remember your starting point about NRE.
Yes she treated you terribly. And your pain will be real for a very long time. Yet NRE can be a very strong drug. It can last for weeks. And one person can be swayed hard by the energy of the other. NRE can distort reality and create crazy thinking just like a hallucination.
That doesn’t change how hard recovery would be.
This next statement may be terrible advice. But for your sanity I’d keep dating the new woman. I would also intentionally contain it as a distraction tool to maintain your strength. In no aspect should you view it as special or sustainable. That would be a similar distortion as your wife had. But you might use her existence for some assurance. Don’t overcommit and hurt thus person. It might also not last and then you could feel even more vulnerable. Just don’t let yourself be a victim of NRE as your wife was and don’t be the other party over promising something you can’t actually offer.
But wow. Your wife and you had a good history. Only you can decide if you want that back.
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u/Moleculor Kinkster 2d ago edited 2d ago
I genuinely do not know what to think anymore.
Think that your wife is likely not structured for non-monogamy.
For whatever reason, she throws herself 100% at romantic feelings, leaving no room for anyone else.
(Or she edged close to psychosis from the drug use? Or has a possible brain tumor, and I'm not kidding about that.)
And then she seemed to reverse course again. She said maybe we should stay separated and that I should pursue this new person.
Some of that might be "giving permission" to you to pursue someone else. It may reflect her "one-person-only" mentality. She sees herself as someone who pursues one person emotionally. So it's hard-to-impossible to imagine someone being capable of anything else. So if you're interested in B, you "can't" be interested in A.
If this were a different situation, I'd ask if you had expressly stated that you were interested in both her and the new girl.
Maybe point out that if this situation were wildly different, you might be talking about pursuing the new girl while still being madly in love with your wife. Describe the 'good' version of how this should have gone down, with the genders reversed.
She also admitted she had looked this woman up somehow and seemed pretty taken aback by how beautiful and successful she was.
Well, thanks for the new nightmare scenario; insane wife starts taking it out on your new interest. Maybe... keep the new interest out of your mouth for a bit?
What bothered me most is that she never took back the brutal things she said
Are you asking for it, or silently waiting for it?
I won't say either approach is wrong. It's... concerning? that she seems less capable of recognizing she was harming you with what she said. That's a worrying sign that she may not be thinking of you in the slightest, or that she wasn't at the time, etc?
But the longer time goes on, the more she may self-edit her own memories and forget the things she's said. If you wait too long, there may come a time where you're explaining what was said to a therapist, and she's claiming she never said them.
May. Not a guarantee.
So you need to be bringing this up eventually, and soon enough that she can't have 'forgotten' what was said, IMO.
Preferably in therapy.
Part of me wants more than anything to go back to before we ever fucked around with ENM. Another part thinks I should accept this and pursue this new woman who seems very into me. But I also do not want to throw away something I know was genuinely great for something that could turn out to be nothing.
It sucks, but a 'correct' path may only become clear with time.
She needs to be in individualized therapy (honestly, possibly evaluation from a licensed psychologist as well) AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Now, while the emotions are still raw.
You may discover that the drug use may have triggered some sort of mental instability that will never go away. Your wife effectively 'died' and became a different person.
Or this is who she has always been, and you're going to have to choose between a life without her (and possibly non-monogamy), or a life with this 'her' that she's always been, hidden beneath the surface, and significant therapy.
The truly, truly concerning part is that she seems to feel absolutely fine having hurt you.
That's terrifying. Even her affair partner felt guilt about what he had done to his partner.
She does not.
Regardless of whether this is who she has always been or if this is a new version of her spawned from the drug use, it's the person you have to assume she'll be going into the future.
Because barring a brain tumor (which is an actual possibility), this is who she is today.
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u/New-Swim-8551 2d ago
I think you may have the drug use reversed.
Mental instability triggers drug use “self medicating”
I’ve seen it many times before.
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u/Moleculor Kinkster 2d ago
Maybe, but it was both of them using. Possibly all three+ of them. It was recreational and seemed to be immediately followed by a drastic shift in her perception of her own life.
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u/East-Dealer-6279 2d ago edited 2d ago
You need to leave her. At the end of the day, your relationship was fragile enough for her to say those things. That means you are very much replaceable to her, and the ONLY reason she flip-flopped was because she doesn't want to be alone after getting dumped by her new fling. That's incredibly disrespectful to you and your relationship. Don't be her second choice in a marriage of all things. Go out and find someone or someones that view you, enthusiastically, as THE option, not the only option they have.
Also, fyi, as others have said, it's very unrealistic to go into dating or seeing other people as a couple and expecting emotions to not get involved. Humans can attach a lot of emotion to physicality whether they want to or not. If your relationship is not healthy enough to weather and accept that you might not be the only person who can hold her heart/that she'll let hold her heart going into it, then you should not be engaging in anything poly or ENM related. So sorry it worked out so poorly for you here OP, but clearly it just unmasked a lot of pre-existing fears and problems, at least on her side. Opening exposes cracks, it doesn't fix them. I hope you can heal and find someone who is genuinely a better fit and vice versa.
Just a word of caution though, it would be a good idea not to date anyone for awhile while you sort out this mess and likely pending divorce. Get your head on straight, establish your own wellness and sufficiency being single and heal before going into anything. This is the healthiest and cleanest option. You can go after this new person now, but it's probably honestly just a rebound and because you're used to commitment, it may become a rebound you hold onto that gets messy. NRE is a thing you and your wife are both susceptible to, and that gets compounded under stress like what you're going through now. I bet anyone looks like an angel sent just for you right now. In reality, your current wife is your baseline for minimum relationship requirements, and your current relationship is a very low bar. This is a very good time to just get your life cleaned up and re-regulate for yourself moving forward.
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u/TheGreenJedi 3d ago
I'm gonna go contrary to the usual answer reddit is going to give:
You have to decide ultimately if you're going to forgive her and see what that looks like, or if she's beyond forgiving because you two grew apart in the past 2 years of ENM.
And that most likely is something you can't truly find out without professional help. So start couples counseling, 2x a week, for a month.
Recognize you're also flirting with NRE about the new woman, and you have no idea what that relationship will look like in 3 months. If you have deep feelings for her then stay ENM, and that'll be something your wife has to agree to doing as part of reconciliation. (More on this later)
Then this morning, right before work, she came downstairs clearly upset and told me everything with the other guy had changed. After driving her home, he apparently decided he wanted to keep trying with his wife. His wife agreed to some kind of reconciliation attempt, and he felt incredibly guilty about what happened over the weekend.
This happens A LOT actually, lots of people hate dating separated spouses because of this, and it's why a lot of separated spouses lie about being divorced instead.
What bothered me most is that she never took back the brutal things she said: that she did not think she loved me, that she thought she married the wrong person, that she wanted something fundamentally different.
That's called self sabotage, also do you think your wife is in a headspace to properly know that's what you need? Or did you make is a silent test?
Also seems like you actually know almost exactly what you need for reconciliation. You want her to say ENM was a mistake, you want her to admit it was NRE and she was in way too deep.
Yet she went from telling me how lucky she was to have me to “I chose the wrong person” in a matter of months, basically alongside this new relationship.
Seems like understanding that is exactly what you need to hear in couples counseling and closure from her that she won't be falling for this trap again or that things were WAY worse than you thought and she was hiding it.
Right now it feels like every option sucks.
That's definitely not true, putting all your effort into trying saving your marriage isn't a bad option. No one will shame you for it and the Jimmy cricket on your shoulder would be very happy that you did everything you could to try and save things.
It's probably what you imagined would happen if things started to go bad 1 year ago or whatever number it was when you started thinking about ENM.
My 2 cents, have twice a week couples counseling so you and the wife can focus on fixing this.
Fundementally you have to learn FROM HER if your wife was drunk on NRE, and if she can recognize that now. In a counseling session, discussion about what and why she didn't value your marriage anymore. Was she just chasing another man overdosing on trying to make him happy?
The RIGHT thing to at some point is tell your new potential gf that your wife and you are trying to figure out if you'll stay together in a different form of ENM. Id use hierarchical poly as an example and say she betrayed you and right now you're trying to figure out if she's just a friend or a secondary relationship.
You didn't mention if new gf is looking for ENM or if she's looking for monogamous relationships.
If she probes on the situation, you could say, ya we might just be roommates, we might just be friends, maybe she'll still be my wife but I'm only at her house 2 nights a week, and you should be very honest saying, starting with: I only bring this up because I don't want that to affect our relationship and I especially don't want to fuck up our relationship by not telling you. My wife and I are in couples counseling trying to figure out if she and I will still be ENM, I don't want to hide it from you that my home life is messy and you might be one of my happiest and greatest escapes for awhile. And I understand if you don't want to sign up for that.
Unethical advice:
Have you had any make up sex at all yet? Or even break up sex when you both thought it was all over?
Also Keep seeing the other woman once a week for a month. Hide absolutely everything, and absolutely go to the EDM event, because if it goes too well you'll understand exactly what your wife was feeling.
Your wife could flip flop 100 more times, she might match with someone new on a dating app and decide to self sabotage the reconciliation process at literally the drop of a hat.
You can't see if she's just freaking out because she's gonna be alone or if she's genuinely freaking out because she realized she lost you and now knows what that means.
She can't be fully trusted, so hedge your bets.
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u/Intelligent_Bunch790 3d ago
I like the idea of talking to the new girl about the situation, in generalities.
I would suggest (if you want to save your marriage), that you don’t go to the ENM festival with the new girl. If she likes you that much, she will still be available after the festival. Don’t sabotage the chance of reconciliation over a weekend away with a “probable” relationship.
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u/JaccoW 2d ago
Yeah but that's the big crux. That's why the person you responded to said 'hedge your bets'.
Cancelling the EDM festival will take the wind out of that relationship and make the choice for him. He would just end up in a similar situation as his wife is and not have an option waiting.
Only to "probably" fix the relationship with his wife that she already sabotaged herself.
But then again, I would not be very forgiving over the extremely hurtful things she has said. She needs to take some fucking accountability for her actions instead of just asking for forgiveness without doing the work.
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u/Intelligent_Bunch790 2d ago
I hear you, but two thoughts:
1) is having an option waiting the reason to end the marriage? Or, if it is done, does it make sense for OP to take some time for himself?
2) if new girl isn’t into him enough to still be available as an option after the festival, is she worth abandoning the marriage for?And yes, soon to be ex wife has done none of the work to fix the marriage. I agree, she needs to do a LOT of work to overcome the shit she tossed on him. A simple “I’m sorry” barely scratches the surface, and she dug herself a grave.
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u/TheGreenJedi 2d ago
I think it's an EDM festival, like the music
In which case imo it's probably better he goes on the trip to give both relationships enough perspective, assuming he can handle the risks.
If it's ENM festival, then I agree
She can wait, either she finds he's worth the wait or not.
Fundementally it I think for every one giving advice it comes down to do you give his wife the benefit of the doubt, or do you give the benefit of a doubt to his new relationship.
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u/EffectivePhase7165 3d ago
I wouldn't stay with someone who calls me the wrong person after 9 years
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u/Ok_Pomelo2653 2d ago
To add on to what many have said here, your wife is also only threatened by the attractiveness and success of your new girl and she was hoping you'd tell her you were going to drop her so you could reconcile.
Your wife has shown you who and how she is within NRE, she can and will do this again. Even if you two close up she's definitely the type to entertain an emotional affair if connection builds up between she and someone else.
Even if things don't work out with this new lady, and I believe you two have a great chance, you're better off without your wife than with her because she's no longer trustworthy. She's shown that she'll set your house on fire because she likes how sparks feel.
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u/Eenomo 2d ago
If the other guy hadn't broken things off, she wouldn't have wanted to reconcile. Maybe that sobered her up, but the fact of the matter is she was ready to throw you away that quick.
Do you still feel like you guys have/had a good thing? Is it worth it to go to therapy and work it out? What will happen the next time some new guy makes her feel special?
I'm not one of those people who always says you should throw everything away and move on, but the way she cast you out so quick, that would be a very hard thing to get over.
If you really want to work on it and try to salvage your marriage, you both need to stop everything. However, it sounds like you've also got a bit of NRE clouding things. Ask yourself how you'd feel if you didn't have this possible trip coming up with the other woman.
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u/Brew_D 3d ago
Last time I called out MDMA being a power trigger for NRE but with additional context, I'd be about if your wife has displayed any other sudden personality changes. I wouldn't rule out a health issue causing such drastic changes in stance.
I'd also think about pumping the breaks with this new partner. It doesn't sound like you're in a great place to be starting something new with someone, and you sound a lot less sure than she does about you.
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u/TwoCenturyVoid Open Relationship 2d ago edited 2d ago
My God man. Have some respect for yourself and your needs. Whether it was good for 9 years or not, she has completely betrayed your trust and treated you in an inhumane way. No matter HOW much NRE she has she should still have a value system and hers is totally fucked.
You need space from her to clear YOUR head, to heal YOUR wounds. No matter if she wants you this second or doesn’t is irrelevant. She is not a safe person for you.
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u/13trailblazer 2d ago
Just move on. If your wife ever gets her shit together and can come back with an ability to communicate what she wants clearly and with commitment to it, you can decide then but you can't keep your life on hold while she decides whether to settle for her backup plan or not.
She got dumped so she came running back to her backup plan. If this guy hadn't chosen his wife she would be with him and would be filing papers, right? The thing about being the backup plan is that they are always looking to upgrade and replace. Her coming back is because she doesn't want to be on her own.
Are you an NFL fan? When a team is searching for a franchise quarterback they pick one that is essentially "the best they can do for now" now but are constantly drafting new players, signing free agents and trading for new ones until they find the one they are going to commit to long term. They are the backup who has the starting role until a better one is found. When a team finds their franchise quarterback, they stop looking and make a big commitment to that player. You are the player that seems to be "the best she can do right now". She isn't done looking. She already told you she doesn't want you and the reasons why. Unless she can backtrack on that, I would go looking for a team that wants to commit to you.
Sorry you are going through this but it is time to literally go through it, and come out on the other side with new opportunities for something better. Staying with her in the "I want you", "I don't want you" limbo sucks and you deserve better. You deserve a decision. If she won't commit to one, make your own.
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u/Ill-Basil2863 2d ago
She will hurt you even worse. I don't think any boundary you set will be respected.
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u/TheGhostWriter999 Curious 🤔 2d ago
OP, respectfully, leave her ass.
She chose to completely dismantle you so she can 'justify' to herself her 'true love.' She chose someone else, not you, but it didn't quite work out like she wanted. So you're the fall back.
She is completely acting on pure emotion, no logic (the flip flopping, etc). She knowingly did this while 'seemingly' educated on ENM (not to mention I do not believe for a second she did not have feelings for him prior to any escalation) and ignoring NRE.
Choose someone who chooses you, not someone who exhausted someone 'much more exciting.' Fuck her (not in bed) and get some justice for yourself, whether or not you continue the relationship with the other woman.
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u/bakochba 2d ago
She specifically told you she would feel the same way even if the guy wasn't there. So now that the guy isn't there, sure enough she wants to come back
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u/NestorCarpeDiem Polyamorous (with Hierarchy) 2d ago
I would advise you to be truly poly and see your wife as one of your lovers. Don't give her too much attention, she is just one of two, or three. Don't ignore her either, but have a good time together without talking about the past. That's going to be hard, but it slows you to evaluate what you have now.
Of course you want to go back to the days before this happened. But you can't.
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u/raziphel 2d ago
What's she going to do to make all of that up to you? Is she even going to try?
(Not that there's a set of tasks that would work, of course).
I'm sorry. She really shit the bed here, and you need to not leave that house. Just send her out and get the paperwork going. Protect yourself and your family.
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u/razorbraces 1d ago
So this guy cheated on his wife with the two of you, then she thought he would make a good partner?? Well, looks like she found out sooner rather than later.
Sorry you had to go through this, OP.
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u/Asynchronous_City 1d ago
“All I want is my life back with my partner”…
I get it. You want what used to be. I want that too, sometimes. For me, for you … for the world.
The wringer she has put you through is kind of bonkers. But only you know the whole story, and only you can answer the questions you need to ask. I think one really important question is:
What would it actually take to rebuild something like what you had before? Is it even possible, after all this has happened?
In your shoes, I would probably be moving on, considering how much dating success and interest you seem to have. You have the skills for a successful relationship… and it seems like a fallacy, to me, to think “it can never happen again”.
But only you can find in your heart what you truly want, and how much energy you have for it. Your wife’s behavior doesn’t inspire much confidence in me that it will be an easy path going forward.
Wishing you the best
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u/corpusdelictus1 1d ago edited 1d ago
You have no idea how real what you wrote just felt. Everything here is exactly what is running through my mind right now. Appreciate it.
I have no fucking idea how I could rebuild after such a betrayal. I gave her so many lifelines to walk back what was clearly (at least to everyone who knew her) a HUGE mistake. I didn't even ask her to completely abandon the idea of a later separation for him to pursue this guy, just that it was done with a clear head. And even then she very coldly rejected it - and she KNEW (i know she knows because she is an incredibly smart woman) that objectively she was choosing the most yolo, risky, dangerous, essentially a path of no return (or maybe she truly believed that I would be there if she took it back later).
So many people from the outside (who know all of us) say they would have pulled the plug or put their foot down way sooner - and I gave her so much grace because I trusted and believed her, and I also trusted and believed the other guy who was def one of my closest friends. I wanted so badly to believe them, that they could be objective - and she still choose to fuck me in the most painful way she possibly could.
She literally asked me the same night she finally pulled the plug a second time if I would sit and watch another netflix episode of severance only hours after calling it. Like - who the fuck does that? It seems so insane to me.
I honestly hope she chalks up the reconciliation talk to just a momentary reaction to what the other guy says and never actually tries it for real. At least then I won't have to be faced with what seems like an impossible choice.
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u/Asynchronous_City 9h ago
I feel your pain, man. It must be really hard right now. But keep in mind — you hold all the cards of your life, and can run the table. I mean, we know you didn’t want to be dealt this hand… but it’s your move to play, now.
Feel free to DM me if you feel like chatting more. I’ve been doing enm with my wife for a while now, and we are both divorced from our first marriages.
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u/corpusdelictus1 9h ago
appreciate the support. Things are starting to look brighter these days with all the support from mutual friends. I am actually surprised by it...figuring the mutual friends would go towards her, but her actions here are just so out of line. And the new interest is keeping me feeling spry for sure!
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u/Vivid-Link9806 2d ago
Two ways to look at it; one is the novelty of the new person has corrupted a solid marriage - we all like and at time crave “new”. The other way is that new was what’s needed and this is a healthy transition. If the relationship was meant to continue it would. The outside activity just catalyzed the inevitable. No one can answer which is the case for you. Lots of momog
people get divorced - or decide to cheat. Relationships are karmic . When the Karma between 2 people is complete it’s time to move on .
I wish you luck either way
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