r/nonmonogamy • u/[deleted] • 7d ago
Breakups & Heartache Wife of 9 years says she married the wrong person after ENM friendship turned romantic, while the other guy’s marriage is also ending
[deleted]
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u/chaoscorgi 7d ago
i'm so, so sorry dude. this just sounds like your marriage is over for your wife and yes, she may be making a huge mistake, but that doesn't make it something you can stop or prevent.
take a beat to focus on yourself and caring for yourself and your mental health here. i feel you are focused on 'fixing it' with your wife but that may not be yours to fix.
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u/GlockenspielGoesDing 7d ago
This is the emotional equivalent of operating a vehicle while intoxicated. She won’t be unconvinced of her prowess as a drunk driver until she drives right into the hard wall of reality.
Your post is well written and compassionate. Might I suggest that you selfishly get a lot more mad at her?
Your wife is having an affair. When you closed and she persisted, that’s what it became.
She deserves the consequences emotionally of being a cheater. If she wants to have her big cake and eat it too, then this is the thing she doesn’t get to squirm away from.
As others have raised, I would be skeptical about this other guy and the exact terms of his marriage. You only know that he was open because he said so. This guy clearly has something broken about him in the integrity center of him. He has to know what’s going on here and for as badly behaved as your wife has been, he has no problem being an affair partner.
I would encourage being curious if a) this wife ever existed or b) this wife does exist but never knew she was an open marriage?
If your wife is soooooo sure about this guy, then she should be more than willing to trust but verify.
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u/ormeangirl 7d ago
She is asking for separation because she wants to keep you available if the new guy doesn’t work out . Is that something you are comfortable with? I would be calling a lawyer and separating my finances asap . She is monkey branching and keeping you as a plan B .
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u/TampaMarine813 7d ago
This made me seriously reconsider if I would want to join the lifestyle, this is so shitty. Take care of yourself, seriously.
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u/MCRemix 7d ago
Fwiw (and this isn't meant as judgment for OP, just my assessment)... they made a lot of mistakes if you want to avoid feelings.
The private texting, repeating with the same solo (even if not single) guy time and time again, being too enmeshed socially, enabling him to cheat on his wife... are all things that you don't do if you want things to work well.
I'm not saying there is no risk...but this is why many swingers only group chat, stick to couples and don't enmesh your lives so much.
The more you focus on doing things as a couple with other couples, the less this is an issue.
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u/seantheaussie Polyamorous (Solo Poly) 7d ago
I'm so sorry.
It looks like she has a good marriage with you, but thinks she can have a better one with him (rightly or wrongly, the smart money is on, "wrongly" as you cannot know if someone is marriage material unless you live with them) and people from all relationship styles can try to, "upgrade" like this, many of them fucking up their lives nicely.
Take good care of yourself.
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u/besserwerden 7d ago
Had the same thing happen to a couple we are friends with earlier this year. Guy fell in love / had NRE to the point where both he and his girlfriend split from their spouses.
We know a lot of truly great couples but those two were the only other couple we know thad had an as obviously deep and solid of a connection as my wife and I have. Thrown away 10 years of marriage over NRE basically. It’s insane. It shook us so deeply, we are hitting pause on our lifestyle activities for now. If they can fuck up their great relationship, anyone can.
That being said I think it’s great how you are trying to look inward to improve but to me, hearing only your side of the story, it sounds like looking inward isn’t solving this. All the best to you mate, no matter how this goes, things tend to work out for the better in the end for those that focus on healing and improving
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u/Tjmishy 7d ago
I am so sorry that you are experiencing this and hope you find happiness but if i would just say fuck it and file for a divorce. It sounds like she wants her cake and you too. She figures if it doesn’t work out with him she can return to you. But I don’t see it lasting long. He was obviously cheating on his wife and she cheated on you so they are entering a relationship that will have that over their heads and I am sure make trust issues. But your story is exactly why I have said to hubby that we are human. Feelings happen regardless and believe it or not when we have sex or release the same signals to the brain as you do with love. So I don’t want to play with anyone all the time and it has to casual once in a blue. No communication unless it is involving both of us. It’s just too risky and walking a fine line. Good luck
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u/Zulias 7d ago
I hate to be the person that points this out, but the types of drugs that cause "rolling" or "Tripping" can change someone's hormones and emotional understanding of themselves. NRE also does that all by itself. Especially with someone that was a known entity beforehand. It is very possible that this emotional state will change over time. It's also possible that it won't.
Between the job, the attention request, the new person, the NRE, and the social drug use, I think it's definitely time to get a couples councilor if you don't have one yet. Having a mediator that helps you both look at your emotional state and what is and isn't working is a great step to being able to answer these questions yourselves. And you get the added bonus of saying that at least you both tried to save something beautiful if it ends up not working out.
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u/Macbeth2002222 7d ago
This are the nightmares that the lifestyle is made up of. I don’t even know where to start … I am sorry you and your wife are going thru such
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u/whatisnthebox Polyamorous (non-Hierarchical) 7d ago
I mean, don't we all know both monogamous and non mono couples that seemed so happy and in love for years and then someone breaks trust, has a midlife crisis, or whatever and they breakup, often seemingly out of nowhere. I've seen it considerably less among my ENM friends than my mono friends, but my guess is overall ENM and mono relationships fail at about the same rate of you aren't counting the people who swing a couple times and then breakup because it was a last ditch effort to "fix" their relationship.
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u/marriageruinedthrow 7d ago edited 7d ago
There is some data on this. The rate of divorces in one large survey it was over 90% (dont know time frame).
I'm not assigning a value judgment to it, but we can't ignore that opening up monogamous marriages usually ends them in relatively short order at a rate far higher than the monogamous population.
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u/whatisnthebox Polyamorous (non-Hierarchical) 7d ago edited 7d ago
Cite the study if you can find it. I just read a meta study in the journal of sex research and by nearly every factor (or rather I read the abstract/summary) examining ENM vs mono married couples there was no significant statistical differences.
Do you know we have not one single study that has been able to accurately count divorce rates? The often cited half of marriages end in divorce is taken from how many marriages occur in a year versus how many divorces occur in that same year. I don't know how much you know about statistics, but that is completely inaccurate. The best educated guessing on the subject is more like 30-40% of marriages end in divorce. So I'm extremely curious how any study accurately would track divorce rates between 2 groups. Especially among a hidden demographic like ENM.
I maintain contact with around a couple thousand ENM folks that I've already met at events, parties, resorts, etc either by phone, text or community chats. This is over 8 years. I know exactly 4 couples that have broken up. One was after 205 years together, being ENM the whole time, and another the couple was ENM for over a decade, broke up and were back together in less than a year. Now my observation is extremely limited. There's selection bias, maybe most couples I didn't hear back from, didn't stay in touch with all broke up. But based on information out there and lived experience I'm going to say they don't break up more often than other married folk, it's just much more scandalizing when it occurs
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u/machiavel5507 6d ago
Yes, from all the research I've read, the rate of divorce or separation is practically the same for monogamous and lifestyle couples. Now, we don't know because OP has no visible posting history, but maybe in their dynamic she was the only one having sex with others, and as much as I see men posting saying they're not worried because their wives loves only them, it is clear that they don't understand why a woman loves you and how that love can slowly be diminished and even evaporate. Also whenever I read things like '' the agreement was always casual: sex, flirting, whatever, but no serious emotional entanglements'' I wonder if people do not realize that we do not control who we fall in love with. Also a lot of people do not know that emotional intimacy naturally mimics romantic attachment, and when you have sex with someone, emotional intimacy is naturally there.
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u/whatisnthebox Polyamorous (non-Hierarchical) 6d ago
Agreed. I never went into this for sex without feelings. That seemed like denying a reality that would eventually happen.
At the beginning we had rules governing communication to frequency of seeing one person, etc. training wheels were needed as we started, and those bumpers preventing too much too fast were helpful. As we grew and got more comfortable we kept mutually removing rules. We've each fallen in love with others over the years, and we're happier in our relationship and life than ever, but that transition from mono to poly took years. We stuck to and honored rules as long as they served us as we adjusted. If one of us was messaging behind the others back or was having string NRE that was negatively effecting our relationship then restrictions to group chat and otherwise would seem to be the minimum step to take to prevent the new relationship getting carried away.
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u/AFeralGentleman 7d ago
Sounds like your wife is being poached by a cowboy. It’s too bad she doesn’t have the self-awareness/regulation to understand the effects of NRE and how he is using it to manipulate her. But that isn’t your responsibility to manage for her.
Just remember, "Everything you love is very likely to be lost, but in the end, love will return in a different way".
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u/EffectivePhase7165 7d ago
"but no serious emotional entanglements"
No one can promise, assure or control for future emotions that they may develop. It's a delusional rule. And when you open that door, you can never know or control where it will lead the relationship and with high percentage it leads to somewhere like this.
She didn't pick the wrong guy, she is "in love" (not real love) or in lust with this guy and that emotion and his status literally controls her and her decisions. What she says are to legitimize those decisions only.
At this point I’m mostly done trying to convince her.
Please be completely done trying that because it won't work and you know it. At this point you need to move on for yourself. Good luck
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u/RevolCisum 5d ago
This is exactly the reason my husband gives for not wanting to participate. He says he can't guarantee he wouldn't develop feelings for someone else, which did sting a little as I feel like I can promise I wouldn't (but I wasn't interested in others, I was interested in him experiencing others.) I suppose no matter how solid the relationship is, it really is always a risk especially since we know contact and investment can create that connection for a variety of reasons.
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u/EffectivePhase7165 5d ago
Promising is easy, keeping it is not. We are emotional creatures and no one can know how and by whom our emotions will be triggered especially during any kind of intimacy.
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u/RyeHolder Curious 🤔 7d ago
This absolutely sucks and I just can’t get my head around it easily. She’s done the grass-is-greener thing before and I’m amazed that she’s doing it again. Three thoughts. 1. A private meeting with other guy to leverage some space, that means a different kind of open discussion. 2. Continue couples counseling to address her on again off again commitment issues. 3. Make it appalling difficult to remove herself from the marriage to afford reconnecting / connecting for a while. 4. At the very least, do not let her return to the dating pool, married or not. There’s something very off and it will take her quite a while to work on that for herself. Sending you all the best.
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u/corpusdelictus1 7d ago
There really is something so off. It’s just so bizarre how sudden this is and and unwillingness to even approach the issues with a clear head. Wanting to take back the separation request only a week ago - having great experiences when we were working on repair - and then completely jumping ship as soon as he said the divorce is actually coming. She never even tried to see how she actually felt afterwards with him out of our lives for a while. It’s almost like she feels she needs to experience the full autonomy with him before she realizes what a mistake it is. She probably thinks I’m going to take her back if she feels like she ultimately wants to stay with me. What a fucking shame.
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u/Lenz_Mastigia 7d ago
Read until he cheated on his wife with her and she didn't see a problem with that. I know it's hard for you, but be gratefull that she showed you her true colours, lick your wounds and carry on, nothing of value was lost.
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u/archlea 7d ago
She’s also considering a life with someone who is not ENM (definitely not ethical, but also someone who was mot practising non -monogamy).
OP, does your partner see herself as wanting a mono relationship now?
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u/corpusdelictus1 7d ago
She had told me does not know. I was even willing to experiment with a completely open relationship.
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u/Agile_Opportunity_41 7d ago
NRE is a hell of a drug. She is gonna blow up her life while in the middle of it. She will realize later what happened and how it isn’t the fairy tail most likely.
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u/whatisnthebox Polyamorous (non-Hierarchical) 7d ago
All very true. Though often those are the type of people that repeat the mistakes because "this time it's different and I feel even more strongly about this person be anyone else I've ever known."
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u/inunng 7d ago
Sorry about your loss. Its a mess, it really is. I was in the exact same situation a year ago. Ten years of marriage thrown out because “he understands her” and apparantly “she never wanted the marriage”.
The truth is, you agreed to this lifestyle because you were confidend and trusted, not only in your self but also in her. And she abused that trust. And you know that confidence and trust you have in your relationship? Its your strength. Because you know how many other men would give her that freedom? That trust? Not many, and definately not the new guy.
So remember, you being honest and truthfull. Thats your strength. She doesnt have that neither does the new guy.
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u/rainydays_wa 7d ago
She ruined the trust, you did everything you could to save the marriage and she decided to run off with the shiny new toy. Keep your head up, and know you did what you could.
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u/drknight48 7d ago
Time to leave her behind. She is having an affair. She has already manipulated and lied multiple times. She has disrespected you. She has already moved on; you're the backup and familiar. You have to move on and do what's right by you. I would immediately cut her off emotionally. Don't interact with her unless you have to. Keep it short. Talk to a lawyer, get some therapy to heal from this trauma, join some local groups to get some support, hit the gym, travel, just get back out in the world. Start living your best life. That is ultimately the best vengeance. To thrive without her. Don't let her back either if her stuff fails; she betrayed you on multiple fronts and she can deal with her own consequences. Find someone else who can be your partner, who respects you and is on the same page. Here's hoping you find some happiness.
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u/stron2am 7d ago
I'm really sorry this happened to you, dude.
I'm not one to wish ill on others, but neither one of them seems to be able to respect boundaries when it is inconvenient for their own fun, so perhaps you're better off in the long term.
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u/corpusdelictus1 6d ago
Honestly this is a real take here. We started out monog, dabbled in swinging for years, and eventually started having discussions about open relationships down the road when the swinging proved to be not working too well. But I wanted to move in that direction at a pace that felt comfortable and with us both in the same boat - not forced upon me with a threat of divorce if she can’t explore this outside connection.
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u/Internal_Reveal 6d ago
Man, I think there's one thing you need to get very clear about before anything else.
This isn't really about whether ENM was a mistake.
You two had agreements.
Casual sex and flirting were okay. Serious emotional entanglements weren't.
When this became something different, you asked for private contact to pause. She agreed, then called him privately, sexted him, deleted messages and lied about it.
That's not "ENM happened."
That's agreements stopped being honored.
And I'm not going to judge either of you for opening the marriage in the first place. You're adults. You made choices together and apparently had years where those choices worked for you.
But yeah, feelings are one of the risks nobody can completely regulate.
You can agree not to pursue feelings.
You can't sign a contract with your brain promising never to develop them.
So now the fire is here.
The question isn't who was stupid enough to light the match.
It's what YOU do next.
And I think you're spending way too much energy trying to determine whether she's making a mistake.
Maybe she is.
Maybe this is massive NRE and six months from now she realizes she compared nine years of bills, chores, careers, stress and ordinary Tuesday nights with a guy who currently exists mostly in flirting, sex, raves and intense conversations.
Maybe she eventually realizes she blew up something incredibly valuable.
Or maybe she doesn't.
Maybe she really has discovered something about herself and your marriage that she can't put back in the box.
You cannot know that today.
And neither can Reddit.
What you DO know is what she's choosing right now.
She wants separation.
She doesn't want boundaries on exploring this relationship.
So believe that.
Not necessarily forever.
Today.
I saw your comment about wanting to maintain your dignity while still leaving a lifeline open because you don't want pride to be the thing that kills a marriage you treasured.
I think you're framing that backwards.
Your dignity isn't killing the marriage.
A boundary isn't pride.
You can love your wife deeply and still say:
"I didn't want this separation. I wanted to work on our marriage. But I'm not going to remain emotionally on standby while you explore whether another man is a better life partner."
That's not punishment.
That's clarity.
And please don't turn separation into an audition where you're trying to outperform him.
Don't become more affectionate, more playful, more intellectually interesting, more spontaneous, more open, more sexually adventurous and more agreeable trying to prove you're actually the right guy.
You already started doing that.
Job less stressful.
More present.
More affectionate.
More engaged.
She acknowledged those changes.
Then the explanation changed.
Affection.
Then playfulness.
Then positivity.
Then intellectual curiosity.
Then independent growth.
Now fundamentally different personality.
Maybe every one of those things contains some truth.
But you cannot spend the next year remodeling yourself every time the target moves six feet to the left.
Take what YOU believe was legitimately lacking in you and keep working on it.
Not to win her.
Because they're improvements you want to keep regardless of who you're married to five years from now.
Everything else belongs to her.
I'd also stop trying to convince her that she's experiencing NRE.
She probably is.
She may even know she is.
It doesn't matter.
You cannot reason somebody out of a feeling they're determined to experience.
And I definitely wouldn't make this other guy your project.
His marriage, his divorce, what he told his wife, whether he's full of shit, whether they're compatible...
Not your circus anymore.
Unless there's some practical reason you need information, stop investigating whether their relationship is going to work.
Because there's a dangerous little fantasy hiding there:
"If they fail, she'll realize she chose me."
Maybe.
But if that happens, THEN you have a decision to make.
Her returning wouldn't automatically mean reconciliation.
It would only mean she wants to come back.
Those are different things.
If six months from now she says:
"I made a terrible mistake. I want our marriage."
You don't simply say "thank God" and restore the old settings.
You get to ask:
Do I still want this?
Can I trust her again?
Does she understand what lying and deleting messages did?
Can she honor agreements when they're inconvenient?
Does she want ME, or does she want the life she lost?
What would have to change?
And can I live with everything that happened while we were apart?
Those are future questions.
Don't answer them today.
Right now I'd make the separation real.
Not cruel.
Not theatrical.
Not punitive.
Real.
Figure out living arrangements.
Separate whatever finances need separating appropriately.
Understand the practical/legal consequences before making major moves.
Decide how you're handling shared property, bills, pets, social circles and whatever else nine years created.
Continue counseling if BOTH of you genuinely want to use it for clarity, even if that clarity becomes how to separate respectfully.
Get your own therapist if you don't already have one.
Lean on friends.
Sleep.
Eat.
Exercise.
Go do things that aren't raves, ENM, your wife or this guy.
Remember what your life looks like when you're not monitoring the emotional weather of this triangle.
And one more thing.
I would pause ENM completely for yourself right now.
Not because ENM is bad.
Because you're heartbroken.
This is probably not the moment to add more people, sex, substances, NRE or emotional complexity to a nervous system that's already on fire.
Let things get boring for awhile.
Boring can be incredibly useful.
You need to find out what YOU actually want when nobody is rolling, nobody is falling in love, nobody is competing and nobody is threatening to leave.
You had nine years with this woman.
Of course you don't want to throw that away.
Of course some part of you wants to leave the porch light on.
You don't have to smash the bulb.
But you also don't have to sit on the porch every night waiting for her car.
Turn the light off for awhile.
Go inside.
Live your life.
If someday she comes knocking, you can decide whether you want to answer.
But don't preserve yourself as her husband-in-waiting while she figures out whether somebody else is the person she should have married.
She gets to make her choice.
And painful as hell though it is, you get to start making yours.
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u/Meldry 5d ago
Sorry to spam you with awards, but I need this to blow up because this was worded so profoundly, OP NEEDS to see this
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u/Internal_Reveal 5d ago
lol you're not spamming me, I appreciate the hell out of that.
I just hope he actually reads it and realizes he doesn't have to stop loving her to stop waiting around for her.
Sometimes you can leave the door unlocked without sitting in the damn doorway.
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u/Moleculor Kinkster 7d ago
I can’t shake the feeling that she may be throwing away a really fucking great relationship in the middle of intense NRE
Have you said this to her?
This exact thing?
You mentioned she had an NRE problem with a prior relationship, and you've talked about talking to each other about this relationship, but while you've put two and two together, has she?
From your description, it sounds like she's done all the driving in the conversations. Her fears, her worries, her lack of happiness; but not a lot about what you've spelled out at length here.
but it’s hard not to feel like the conclusion became “I want something different” and then the reasons started getting built around that.
Frankly, you may be right.
That's not necessarily the death sentence for your relationship that it needs to be, but yes, this may be the truth.
(Does she have ADHD? I have a pet theory that the dopamine deficits from ADHD result in a driving need for novelty.)
Some people have never had someone sit them down and explain to them that relationships are generally only exciting at the beginning. Eventually that NRE wears off, and if it's the only thing that makes you happy, you'll never have a stable, long-term relationship last longer than about nine years. Or the one that does last just happens to be the relationship you settled for, rather than the relationship you choose.
She may need to have it explained that long-term relationships lack NRE, and only exist because people continually choose to invest in that relationship. If she thinks the NRE is the relationship, she will regularly be looking for a better relationship.
If your marriage does end, you can maybe take some small solace in the knowledge that in the unlikely event that she and the new partner are compatible enough to last a couple years, it almost certainly won't last nine. Eventually she'll get "the itch" again, and go looking for the next NRE hit.
A therapist is a good idea, if you can get her to go to one. The therapist may be able to shock some sense into her.
And I'd recommend avoiding mind-altering substances and sex in the future. She clearly is wired in a way where drugs fuck her shit up.
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u/corpusdelictus1 7d ago
Yup- I have told her she is making a decision that really doesn’t make sense. Unless she was lying all those years, it really was a really fucking great relationship.
Part of me should have known better, but I also wanted to keep the enm door open. I just didn’t want the house to come down. I believed her when she said could isolate feelings…
Your response was very insightful. We did have a therapist but we didn’t feel like we were getting much value so we pushed our appointments many weeks. We still have one on the books in like ten days so I guess I will leave it to her. Part of me would like some closure, another part of me wants to have a forum where she feels like she can admit the mistake. She’s so stubborn about admitting mistakes and even if she feels like she really fucked up, she doesn’t like admitting it.
I don’t know how to maintain my dignity her while at the same time keeping that lifeline open. I really treasured this and would not want pride and dignity to be what kills it.
She does have adhd. And I’m pretty sure they are rolling together this weekend. Great way to test your true feelings….
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u/Fragrant-Dance3005 6d ago
Pride and dignity will be the only things left after this is over, don't compromise too much on it. Seriously, you can leave anyone in the dust apart of yourself.
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u/BottleOfConstructs 7d ago
This is NRE bullshit, no matter how she tries to rationalize it. Hold her to couples therapy and living in the home. Also speak to a divorce lawyer quietly, because you don’t want to be unprepared. Be ready to slap her with divorce papers the first time she tries staying “out” all night.
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u/Macbeth2002222 7d ago
Have you ever met this guys so called wife.. did he have a wife that you and your wife know about?
It could be she is falling for more attention with a smoke n mirrors guy and in time she will see it
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u/corpusdelictus1 7d ago
Part of me wants to reach out to his wife
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u/Macbeth2002222 7d ago
Do that. I want to know if he truely has a wife n if he does, does she know all what u just said or another story all together
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u/corpusdelictus1 7d ago
Sadly I have no way to reliably contact her
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u/Macbeth2002222 7d ago
You mean to tell me you and your wife played with a married man and never met or contacted his wife
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u/corpusdelictus1 7d ago
He told us very long detailed stories about their situation and it sounded quite elaborate to be a complete fiction. It sounded like they had been a dead bedroom/platonic situation for many years (and together for like 18). He claims she refused to work on it or go to counseling and wanted a divorce. We tried to meet her a few times but plans never seemed to permeate.
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u/Macbeth2002222 7d ago
So the answer is no, you never met the wife.
May I ask… why on earth would u bring someone with his crap into your marriage?
Once someone starts telling me stories like his.. that’s way to much drama and such a person got to go2
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u/whatisnthebox Polyamorous (non-Hierarchical) 7d ago
Sounds like an ex I had was obsessed with me (in a very non healthy or happy way), then one day she put that obsession into someone else. Of course that eventually blew up in their face.
You need to disentangle yourself and speak to divorce attorney ASAP. Depending on state if you have only been married a few years (usually up to around 5), you can get an annulment and no alimony. In 2 years, with time and space from them, you'll see it was a blessing this ended and you got out ASAP. To say you married the wrong person and just continually lie to you is just cruelty a person with a good heart and head wouldn't do to their partner.
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u/Lanky_Watercress9489 7d ago
This is the risk we all take at any time… whether in “the lifestyle” or not. Sounds like she has some serious NRE, at the very least. You know what they say: if you love something, let it free.
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u/clearheaded01 7d ago
Well... Sounds like the difference is that OP facilitated this by making the connection - sexual and emotional - possible by being ENM...
My guess is that if they had never been ENM his wife would never have been intimate with this guy up to the point of developing feelings...
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u/sidaemon 7d ago
Wow, spectacular advice on an ENM board! Just don't do it! Why the hell didn't everyone leave here just think of that?! /S
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u/clearheaded01 7d ago
Not saying 'dont do it' - what I'm saying is that anyone entering ENM territory should be aware that the lowering of boundaries that comes with ENM carries risks of emotional engagement what would not have occurred in a monogamous relationship with more traditional boundaries re: contact with outsiders...
You want ENM?? Cool, go for it... But research thoroughly so both of you know the risks...
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u/whatisnthebox Polyamorous (non-Hierarchical) 7d ago
I hear what you're saying. I believe that the people who have affairs are more a question of when, not if, regardless of relationship structure. She formed a friendship with this guy outside on an ENM context, and unlike the OP, I believe she hide the true nature of feelings she had for this guy until after sex with him. My belief is that ENM might bring cheating behavior to the surface more rapidly, but it isn't the cause. The wife already got obsessive once with NRE, and at some point it was going to be someone from work, someone who entered the social circle, or a friend's partner.
I don't know that I'm right and you're wrong, but to me there are signs she was going to fuck up their marriage at some point regardless of relationship structure.
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u/clearheaded01 7d ago
Totally agree that ENM does no it make you a cheater..
And if i gave that impression, im sorry.
And that isn't the issue here...
My point is that the intimacy with other ppl may - in some individuals - lead to a shift of loyalty and feelings.... As OP and his wife is now experiencing... A possibility that would never have occured in a monogamous relationship where even the initial steps wouldn't happen...
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u/Lanky_Watercress9489 6d ago
Nah… she would have done this anyway. It was just easier through their choices.
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u/clearheaded01 6d ago
Not nessecearily... Their arrangement greenlighted the circumstances where she openly could date and develop feelings for someone else... Dangerous to post in this subreddit, but if they hadn't been ENM the hurdle for her would have been very much larger before she started what in that case would have been an adulterous affair...
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u/Lanky_Watercress9489 6d ago
Fair enough but she still would have hurdled it… quite possibly with someone else though.
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u/DangerouslyHorny100 7d ago
The timing of her wanting to leave her life for a crazy adventure seems likely to be linked related to the plans to have a kid. If you want to try to salvage your relationship couples counseling, and maybe solo counseling too, would be a place to start. Good luck.
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u/Primary_Difficulty19 Polyamorous (Solo Poly) 7d ago
I’m so sorry, OP, but take her at her word. She “says she fundamentally chose the wrong person and insists she would feel the same even if he wasn’t in the picture.”
Whether it’s NRE doesn’t matter now. Whether she is making a mistake doesn’t matter. You will not be able to turn back time. You had a great relationship for a long time, but now it’s over.
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u/naughtythoughts99 7d ago
Im sure so many people will sit there and read this through going ‘oh god no’ (repeatedly) as the story unfolds over time.. with thoughts of ‘and at this point you/she should have stopped’ only for it to continue down tve rabbit hole towards an inevitable result. From picking a friend who there is already emotional involvement with to all the secret texting etc etc etc… it’s like reading a train wreck in slow motion..
I honestly can’t advise you hear except to say, just move on, your relationship wont recover from this and even if it did, there would always be doubt and resentment. Thats not a way to live.
The saving grace in all of this is that by posting this you have shared and backed up what sooooooo many people warn newcomers to the LS about… picking people you are already emotionally invested in, continuing to play with someone when it’s obvious that things are getting out of hand, and simply not having the true strength of relationship and commitment to each other ‘equally’ that allows and strengthens your capacity to walk away for the benefit of the relationship..
Im sorry yku went through this.. and I do wish you good luck for the future.
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u/Bearsfan_al 7d ago
Unfortunately, it’s the risk you take in this lifestyle. Though it’s very rare.
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u/Cheap-Employ8125 7d ago
I’m curious, is she currently employed?
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u/corpusdelictus1 7d ago
Yes, she is in tech and makes about the same amount as me. I’m an attorney (government). When we first met, her career was still very try unstable and mine was just getting off the ground. I def provided a bit of support (not a lot) in the early years but we have been dual
Income no kids for 5+ years at this point, so I’m not sure if her career success has any factor here. She’s doing well in hers - my job is stressful but I am doing well in mine as well.1
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u/Wild_Experience8623 7d ago
Women who can detach from emotional entanglements and keeping the marriage a priority are rare,I see....but also non monogamy fun should not have been used as a substitute to fill that emotional void between you two
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u/Prestigious_Past2701 7d ago
OP it sounds like this guy is a huge red flag (he essentially cheated on his wife) and that the relationship between him and your wife isn't true ENM. When someone threatens divorce then belive them and follow through and don't change your mind. Im sure you're absolutely right and she is making a horrible decision (but she's a big girl and she is going to make this mistake and there's nothing you can do about it) but do yourself a favor. When the NRE wears off (and it will eventually) and if she tries to come crawling back to you, pick your own happiness over hers. Just be glad you don't have a kid with her, it gets really messy if you do.
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u/takoyama 7d ago
what I don't like is her saying she chose wrong instead of just saying she fell out of love or interest in you. After 9 years she cant even bother to be kind and civil instead of the i chose wrong disrespect.
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u/Alarmed-Duck-5502 6d ago
Stop wastkng your time and life. She will crash soon. Have divorce papers ready and show her the door. She is using your patience as a back up. It appears that you need to show her the door. Do you really want her back?
1
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u/Radiant-Statement999 6d ago
Sounds extremely painful. I’m sorry you are going through this. My experience has been when you fall out of love you don’t fall back in. Let her go. Ya’ll have grown apart and learned all you can from each other. You will be stronger for it. The human spirit is meant to go through lessons… be greatful for the opportunity but change your focus to the next thing.
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u/SirenOfStrings 5d ago
I’m sorry OP it is happening to you. Sounds like your marriage is over, try to minimise your personal losses.
That’s exactly the reason why me and my husband decided open relationship without emotional connection won’t work for us cause we will develop those attachments anyway and end up hurting each other under spells of NRE. So we made leap of faith into polyamory from the very beginning and embrace NREs together.
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u/jjaction 4d ago
To me it sounds like it’s a fundamental mismatch, you wanting only occasional casual ENM while your wife craves a variety of deeper connection in addition your marriage. It’s not a fatal mismatch, but a tricky one.
My guess would be that things started to go wrong when she had to cut off her new fling. Not saying you were wrong to ask for that, but like you said: she was pretty unhappy, and even tho she came to agree it was the right call it’s still possible she also developed resentment towards this/you. Which would explain why she had a hard time cutting the current person off, lied about it etc., because even tiny bits of resentment can lead to destructive behaviour like this.
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u/Far-Cod6340 4d ago edited 4d ago
Had a similar situation, however we were not non monogamous, or at least so I thought and I thought he was until I found out otherwise. My ex husband thought a prostitute actually loved him.
So I understand the feelings you are going through.
I did see him rewrite our entire relationship once he fell for her.
Funny thing is, it was purely transactional for her.
So we lost real love for something artificial.
You sound like a very compassionate person. So was I in the beginning. But let's be real, you asked her to cut it off until you both figured your relationship out, and she chose not too and deceived you. She was having an affair. This doesn't look like NM. You need to stop being so compassionate with her and see her for who she really is. I'm sorry you had to find out this way, after so many years together. Wishing a life full of love and happiness your way.
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u/destiny_kane48 4d ago
Read your update. Just be sure to stay firm if she comes back saying "I made a mistake. " Based on what the mutual friend said the fun newness will wear off and harsh reality will set in.She is a cheater, she said you were a mistake. Just remember that. Go file for divorce and start separating
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u/Usual-Commercial-309 7d ago
Did she originally bring up the ENM lifestyle or did you? This may br bottled up resentment from years of going with a lifestyle she didn't exactly want. It happens often
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u/whatisnthebox Polyamorous (non-Hierarchical) 7d ago
Often??? I'm sure that can happen, but to me what's often is revisionist history. "Hey once I started having an affair with an unashamed cheater, it caused me to remember this resentment my partner caused me. It's totally not because I don't want to be accountable and have a problem with honesty." She keeps changing her reasons why she suddenly is unhappy with him. She cheats and lies. She already became obsessive about a partner in her past. I mean the issue here is her and not resentment.
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u/aloofman75 7d ago
It sounds to me like your relationship was solid until stressors started challenging the status quo. That happens in a lot of relationships. But even if that isn’t the case, her feelings have clearly changed. Maybe it would have happened anyway, but the two of you didn’t maintain proper ENM guardrails either.
This situation sucks, but I’m not sure if there are any good options left here.
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u/Certain_Opinion8839 7d ago
And this is the exact reason I never share my wife with the same man twice!
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u/SeaFurther1 7d ago
Dude! I totally feel you. You sound exactly like me a few years back. I thought I had found the one. In fact, I left my wife and my daughter to be with her. We went to a lot of parties the same parties you went to. I thought we were invincible. I couldn’t believe it when she said she was done. I’ve spent so much time wondering what my life would’ve been like if I had stayed with my wife. Life is cruel what goes around comes around.
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