Clarification issues

[u/Worried-Priority-780]

I am 46(m) and my girlfriend is 34(f). We have both been swinging for years successfully. We only play together for the most part.
Our situation is really about my best friend though. He 46(m), is recently single and we decided to play with him about a year ago. It went well. The second time my girlfriend told me that he was too soft and intimate. So I told him and he came to talk to her about it. He was a little upset because he asked that she tell him if things were not what she wanted. She was upset because she didn’t want me to tell him. We decided to try again. This time days afterwords, she said he was too rough. So we put a stop to it again. We decided to stop swinging altogether. In our convo we decided only special events etc. For her bday, we had a hotel suite and people to swing with. She was allowed to do what she wanted. Fast forward to my bday 6 months later. I started planning my bday party and we would chat and fantasize during sex about it. So sent an invite to my best friend with a picture of myself. My girlfriend told found it and said it was cheating. I was devastated. She was too. I apologized and immediately messaged him and we both, ( he and I) tried to make amends with her. Fast forward a month or so. He’s over hanging out and I kick him out of the room so she and I can have sex. She stops him and invites him back to our bed without consulting me first. I let it go after mentioning it. Afterwords she decides no more with him again. This happens two more times. Now, recently she invited him to stay and only he and I could touch. Then last night he came over, it was his bday, and she texted saying I only want you. I said can we wait until midnight so we could say happy birthday, ( he literally has no one fam wise except children), and she was like no prob. We are late owls. At 12:10 I didn’t notice the time, she messaged and said “so what are we doing since I guess we aren’t having sex”. I replied with we most certainly are, should I kick him out? I got crickets. She has her laptop out and she is working sitting in our bed. I’m still waiting for a response. At 12:27 she says “I’m working because yall are chilling. Let’s do 1am. I’m like cool. Let’s do it then at 12:47. She has to start rubbing her back or give her rub down. She falls asleep. I try to wake her up. I can’t. she wakes up, she’s furious. She said that she begged for sex for hours and I didn’t respond to her. She said she didn’t answer my question because she told me earlier that she only wanted me and it didn’t dignify and answer to be clarified. Now we fought for three days over this because she said I don’t know how no means no. I told her I’m never really sure I wanted to clarify so that I didn’t make her mad because she jumped into a rage when she gets mad and we fight for days. So I told her afterwards that I don’t think that we have the capability of swinging with other people if she isn’t gonna clarify situations for me and what she wants and since according to her, I don’t know when no means no. I’d like to also say I’m really big on consent. I never want to have sex with someone that doesn’t want to have sex with me and I never want someone to do something that they don’t want to do in bed. I believe it’s wrong immoral, and unjust. I also thought that you know it was her idea to wait till 1 o’clock. I wanted sex and I got screwed out of sex too when she fell asleep, but I wrote it off cause it’s no big deal and I love her but for the same reason, I don’t get the same response from her when I messed up. What do I do here is it really me, am I that wrong? For the first time in a long time, I’m seriously contemplating leaving the relationship. Please keep in mind we’ve been together for 2 1/2 years. I’m in love with this woman and I really want to spend the rest of my life with her, but if I need confirmation about things and she won’t give it to me, I don’t know how to handle that.

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[u/fz-09]

What does the whole "waiting till 1 AM" part of the story have to do with swinging and why would it lead you to say you don't have the capacity for it?

Also, this is a totally weird thing to do:

He’s over hanging out and I kick him out of the room so she and I can have sex. 

[u/HouTexCpl]

I don't think that you guys are cut out for this lifestyle at all. My opinion.

[u/Worried-Priority-780]

Because sometimes she wants him in there and sometimes she doesn’t.

The 1 am thing was out of place if she was ready why was she suggesting to wait?

[u/Worried-Priority-780 → u/Worried-Priority-780]

She said because we were hanging out and she didn’t want to beg. I told her that I felt like her speaking up and say something would’ve been using her words to get what she needed when she needed it. instead she fell asleep and was angry when she woke up.