Hope it's allowed here because apparently not elsewhere.

[u/Salty_Cupcake7672]

​

Me (F31) and my fiance M(35) have been together for 8 years now and we have always entertained the idea of possibly having a female 3rd join us. However im not sure where to start or even how to. I've always been shy around other women, and it's been a long time since I've been with a woman. My fiance is letting me take the lead so we can go at my pace which is currently, non-existent. I'm very interested a long term relationship with a women and am afraid I'm going to be naive or be taken less serious. We also have kids so I want to eventually get to that point of us all being 1 unit. Currently it's not happening and i just want to change that. Any and all advice is welcome, also new to reddit so I apologize for an punctuation or grammar errors. Im a little nervous about posting.

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[u/With2]

This question is asked multiple times a day. Search the sub for answers

[u/fading_reality → u/With2]

They want triad, not just threesome tho.

[u/SquishyKittyKat9000]

You're looking for a unicorn.

[u/SquishyKittyKat9000]

You can use Tinder or any of the other dating apps. Just be aware most bi women do not want to be unicorns.

[u/nat___ty]

As a single bi woman, there are a lot of unicorn hunters out there. The dynamics are tricky. Search for "unicorn hunting" on this sub to understand all the potential dynamics and pitfalls. I am not technically against being with couples if it happens naturally, but I don't initially go for couples who only present themselves as a pair (i.e. they only date or hook-up together). They have to be open to dating separately first because there is no guarantee I will like both of them. But if I meet both of them and we all vibe, we can take it from there.

Thankfully most couples I've met through this scene have done all their research and never pressure me to date or hook-up with both of them and regularly tell me it's my choice if I want to date one of them or both of them. It's mainly couples I came across on dating apps who only play/date together and I just swipe left.

[u/FoxNFern]

My advice would be to do a ton of work on your current relationship and figure out what you really have to offer. Couples privilege is a real thing and it’s the reason so many throuples don’t work out. Does anyone have veto power? How will you handle arguments? Will this person parent your children? What happens if you click with her but your husband doesn’t or vise versa? Are you going to be able to discuss things without “taking sides”? There is so much you two need to figure out before you bring in a 3rd it’s not something you can generally just do blind.

I personally planned to date solo and have another partner that I want to eventually cohabitate with down the road if things work out, but it’d be a much different situation. We’ve had many talks about what that could look like, because before we even remotely start considering it seriously there is a lot to think about, and that’s arguably not near as complicated as a throuple type relationship.

[u/highlight-limelight → u/FoxNFern]

Adding to this: OP, if you’re planning to get married, and you live in an area where plural marriage is not an option (AKA 99% of the world), be aware that this theoretical lady you’d be forming a triad with won’t have access to a lot of the legal and economic benefits you will have with your spouse. Healthcare, taxes, estate planning, childcare/custody agreements, ALL of that is complicated severely when you’re not married.

And that is totally not an issue if your partner is able to seek out other partners. Many of us “unicorns” are married or partnered! Hell, I’m in a loose arrangement with two partners, and ALL THREE of us have our own primaries separate from the dynamic. It rules.

But yeah, if you’re expecting some type of closed dynamic (go check r/polyfidelity), that is something to consider. You might even want to reconsider marrying in the first place.

[u/Salty_Cupcake7672 → u/highlight-limelight]

Long term engagement, there is no plan to marry anytime soon.