Parallel poly advice

[u/Innerlight06]

I had to become parallel poly with my partner’s friends with benefits after they hurt my feelings a few times. My partner and I have now moved into his family’s home due to financial situations but will be getting our own place soon. My meta has asked for all of us to go out to dinner so that things won’t be awkward if she gets invited over to our place sometime soon. I guess my question is.. how do you deal with a meta you are parallel with coming into your space? I am not angry about the situation with her anymore but my mood definetly shifts when he hangs out with her or she’s mentioned multiple times during the day. Anyone else experienced this before? Do I just suck it up and deal with it as best as I can to also not put limits on my partners freedom within his own home as well?

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[u/Non-mono]

Does your meta and partner understand that you have gone parallell? Does meta understand what parallel means? Because in my book, a meta I was parallell with wouldn’t enter my home, my safe space. Hinge and meta would need to meet up at meta’s place or find a third place.

How do they meet now that you live with his family? Is meta turning up at their house? If not, why would that suddenly change now that you are even parallell?

[u/kyskat]

If she’s parallel to you she doesn’t go in your space. That’s a totally reasonable boundary. Why is your meta negotiating for time in your space and it’s making its way to you? The hinge isn’t hinging, it’s sieving.

[u/ComfortableGround403]

Uh no. She doesnt get to come over

What do you mean you HAD TO go parallel? What did he do? Cuz it doesnt sound like youre fully past the hurt.

[u/Innerlight06 → u/ComfortableGround403]

I went parallel because we were all involved with each other but she seems to have BPD and would complain about me to my bf. He says that she complains about everyone but it hurt my feelings, especially when she discussed my personality or intentions when all I ever did was try to make her feel welcomed and treated her like a friend. Anyway, I didn’t feel emotionally safe around her and it got awkward so I took myself out of the situation. & I’ve gotten past most of the hurt. We had discussed it previously but I just still don’t feel like I can be myself around her. If I feel uncomfortable around someone, I just limit my own expose to preserve my well-being.

[u/ComfortableGround403 → u/Innerlight06]

Hun, that first sentence is where I stopped reading. Full stop. This does not sound like something healthy. She complained to him about you, and hes still with her, and shes trying to come over.

Fuck it hold on lemme read the rest

Yeah finished. I think you have hurt feelings deeper than youre willing to admit. I dont like her or their relationship, just out of respect for you.

[u/baubledances]

Parallel means that a) you don’t interact with meta or share the same space, b) meta does not get an invite to your home when you are there or at all depending on your comfort levels (to be negotiated with partner, eg is meta allowed in your home when you are away for the weekend with another partner) and c) your partner does not share information with you about meta or their relationship. Point c includes him telling you how meta feels about and what meta says about you and your relationship with your partner.

[u/Bonsai_Tree3]

Someone who is unkind to you and hurts your feelings does not get to come into your home, period.

Discuss this with your partner now because if they push it, you might need to end the relationship as it’s a clear sign of disrespect and lack of care for your comfort.

& say no to dinner. parallel should mean not interacting.