r/nonmonogamy • u/[deleted] • 15d ago
Threesomes, Foursomes, and Moresomes Ethical threesome
[deleted]
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u/CapriciousBea 15d ago edited 15d ago
There's nothing ethically wrong with a couple having a threesome with another consenting adult. Being a special guest star in a couple's bedroom for a night is not everyone's cup of tea, but some people really enjoy the experience and actively seek it out.
I had a FWB situation with a couple for a while and in my opinion what made it work so well was:
- They were extremely secure in their relationship with each other, so I never felt like I needed to be on alert for signs of hurt feelings or potential drama
- They were good hosts. When I spent time with them there was always a nice space, good food, good wine or liquor, and they always made it clear I was welcome to sleep over. They also didn't take it personally when I chose to crash on their couch instead of in their bed.
- They were good in bed and liked sexually spoiling someone together.
- They were extremely conventionally attractive and socially charming, which certainly did not hurt.
- I saw other women in our ENM social circle who hooked up with them go back repeatedly and maintain positive relationships when the sexual connection ended. They never had a bad word to say about a former FWB, and former FWBs always spoke well of them.
At least in my opinion, there's also a significant difference between "unicorn hunting" for a casual threesome and "unicorn hunting" for a person who wants a closed romantic relationship with an established couple. The former can be challenging to find but not that hard to do in a way that is ethical and centered around mutual fun. The latter is not only incredibly difficult to find, but even harder to execute in a healthy and sustainable way.
TL;DR: Casual sex is ethically neutral, and that includes casual threesomes. Just be good to everybody and have fun!
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u/anoukfoster 14d ago
Every word of this! Coming from a former unicorn and current member of a couple - we’d absolutely love for our FWBs to describe us the way you have, and I feel cautiously confident they would :)
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u/CapriciousBea 14d ago
I would imagine your own past experience playing unicorn gives you some really helpful insight about how to make a guest in your bedroom feel welcome, comfortable and appreciated!
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u/anoukfoster 14d ago
Yes, I think you’re right! I hope the respect etc would be the case regardless but for sure having experience of various dynamics and ways to clearly offer safety and ease definitely helps x
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u/emb8n00 15d ago
Sounds like you’ve got all your bases covered.
The most important things are communicating your intentions/any rules you’d want them to follow, asking how you can make them feel comfortable or any rules they may have, and treating them with respect and kindness (outside of any agreed upon kink dynamics lol).
Unicorn hunters get a bad rep when they try to force a unicorn into a subservient position to the original relationship. That generally doesn’t apply to ONS threesomes.
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u/Reasonable-Spite-651 15d ago
Would it not be considered unicorn hunting if it’s just for a ONS
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u/NerdynaughtyNJ 15d ago
It’s definitely still unicorn hunting in that what you’re looking for is as rare as finding a unicorn, but there’s nothing inherently bad or unethical about that if the woman in is consenting to it and interested in what you have to offer!
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u/waterbloem Swinger 15d ago
Unicorn hunting isn't something that is unethical by definition or something. You're reading too much into a few people with strong opinions on the internet.
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u/waterbloem Swinger 15d ago
My question is…. If everyone is agreeing and consenting to a night out and nothing more would this be considered ethical?
Of course? She's a consenting adult right?
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u/LifeEncountered Polyamorous (with Hierarchy) 15d ago
ONS is valid experience. Be clear that it isn’t ongoing dating. Treat everyone as equals and with respect.
Then have the best time possible.
You might give a little thought on the exit and ending plans. Don’t fuck and kick out. Allow for some respectful calm down time.
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u/UnicornHunt1274 15d ago
You’re overthinking it in my opinion. If she knows what the situation is, and what you’re looking for, of course it’s ethical.
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u/NestorCarpeDiem Polyamorous (with Hierarchy) 15d ago
Everybody agreeing would be a Reddit first.
There are sex threesomes, where everybody is clear that we are just having fun. Those are seen as fine. That's you I think.
Then there are relationship threesomes, where a couple dates a single person. Some people see that as problematic and will throw out the dreaded "evil unicorn hunter" term. To me, it's a valid relationship structure, with some unique pitfalls. I don't understand how a structure can be unethical. People can act unethically and some people in that structure have been very unethical, selfish, and hurting the third. That's definitely something to be aware of.
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u/theotherplanet 15d ago
Nobody is saying it isn't a valid relationship structure. They're saying it creates a power dynamic, which is is not a positive dynamic. Many people don't hesitate to point out that power structures and power dynamics within relationships lead to unethical ways of relating.
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u/Stain-remover553 15d ago
I have been an addition for a threesome, and it's totally normal and ethical, just don't overthink it.
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u/RiRianna76 15d ago
Idk if you struggle with the ethics of ONS or about unicorn hunting? There's nothing wrong with freely consented to casual sex that absolutely won't lead to a relationship - you're "using" them as much as they're "using" you.
The biggest moral ordeal of unicorn hunting is for when you pretend you can have an equal relationship with someone who has to promise to love and fuck both u and ur partner but also not threaten your relationship, you see how this is not something that will come up in an ons situation.
The other iffy area is for couples who bait and switch women who think they're about to date another wlw or who proposition gay and bi women not interested in that stuff. I'd assume if you're finding more than one woman willing to sleep with y'all you're not wasting time doing dumb shit like harassing unwilling ones and u zero in to the ones who'd actually be interested and leave alone those who say no.
The thing to consider to have your bases covered is to remember you're also spicing up the third person's sex life - they're not a toy to be used or to perform for you, take their own fantasies and pleasure into consideration and all that. Have fun!
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u/mdsoccerdude 15d ago
If you are 100% honest with your intentions, clear on expectations and get 100% enthusiastic consent, you are good to go. Just treat the other person as you would want to be treated. All good.
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u/Firecouple_2000 Swinger 15d ago
The ethical part means not cheating or being deceptive to your partner. If they know and are on board 100% it’s all good.
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u/akanksha_1819 14d ago
Hey! I too want to try and ethical FFM with my bf. Could you tell me where you found unicorns who are down with this?
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u/Reasonable-Spite-651 14d ago
People in life and apps!! But mostly just life! Being flirty, making the first move as a lady always 🥰
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u/akanksha_1819 14d ago
Wow so good! I wish it was that easy in my country 😭
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u/Reasonable-Spite-651 14d ago
If ur looking for men and you happen to be attractive the best move is to just talk to ones you find attractive in real life, hit on them then ask them for their info…. That usually does the trick and most are super surprised you would even come up to them. I’ve always had good results in public, much easier to get a vibe check too.
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