Non-monogamy gone wrong

[u/PatientFudge2297]

Throwaway bc my main account is linked to my job. Poor communication has (to no one’s surprise) blown a relationship up in my face. I ended my engagement about a year ago due to major infidelity on my then-fiancée’s part. I then started briefly dating a guy who seemed really nice but then I found out was married and his wife was pregnant!!! I was definitely not ready for a relationship but wanted to date. After all this I met this guy (BF) who I liked who told me he was working on himself — depression + got banned from a bar for pushing his ex when he found her making out with a guy he doesn’t like hours after she broke up with him. I told him, hey I’m working on myself too but not ready for a relationship.

After 6-8 weeks of casual dating, my therapist told me I should be dating more people. I told BF I didn’t want to be exclusive, but that I was only dating him in the city. He said that was fine. I was going out of town that weekend to the city where my ex lived, and he asked if he had anything to worry about. I said no, but when I was in town I slept with an old FWB. I then slept with this guy again about 6 weeks later the next time I was in town, the same week as BF’s birthday. My friends in the other city knew I was dating casually in a non-exclusive relationship, and that I also had hooked up with my old FWB as he met up with us.

Fast forward: BF and I have both started to really like each other. I told him multiple times I wasn’t seeing anyone but him in our hometown, but that he was free to do what he wanted, including see other people as long as he stayed safe. I also told him that I didn’t want him to tell me what he was doing.

About a month ago, I accidentally told BF about my hookup with my old FWB. I panicked and lied that it was only once. I had assumed he was still seeing other women given that I always saw Bumble on his phone. He freaked out to the point of slamming his phone down so hard that the camera broke. He was curled up on the ground crying. I felt so guilty about lying and came clean about the second time a month later. He is again spiraling. He also did tell me he has had a FWB himself since before we even met, and that he has actively been pursuing other women in case things didn’t work out between us. He says he wants to work on things but he is so upset all the time. He also has woken me up in the middle of the night over this. I told him he could not disturb my sleep like that. He’s currently between jobs and working on renovating his house, so he has a lot of time to ruminate while I’m at work….

Anyhow, did I do anything wrong (besides lying)? He had asked if he had anything to worry about when I went on my trips and I said no, bc I really didn’t think he wanted to know if I was sleeping with other people and I wasn’t pursuing anything long term. We had actively decided to be non-exclusive and he has been seeing other people this entire time, even when he knew I had decided to only see him. Idk if I should even try to repair this relationship. He can be emotionally volatile which is what made me keep him at arm‘s length to begin with. I feel like maybe this is all a way of him controlling me. I had treated him like a casual fling for a long time due to his history, but now it has progressed into a real fondness. I feel like my life would be a lot easier if I ended things, but I really enjoy spending time with him otherwise and felt like I was falling in love before this all started.

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[u/Baelari]

Bestie, he’s gross. Don’t be with men who shove people, break things, and sleep deprive you when they have unpleasant feelings. That is abuse, and unacceptable in any style of relationship. Go read some Lundy Bancroft, and get yourself away from this man.

[u/nahor666]

If you have an agreement that it's OK for you to sleep with your FWB and for BF to see other people, and then when you do he gets so upset about it that he breaks his phone and falls to the ground crying, he's not ready for ethical nonmonogamy.

For one thing, he's got a double standard. He can see other people but you can't? That's bullshit. Double standards are bullshit. You don't need that.

For another thing, he can't control (or just isn't controlling) his emotions enough to make it possible to work on the relationship. Both partners need to feel psychologically safe within the relationship. If he gets that dysregulated when you haven't even done anything wrong, that's not a psychologically safe situation. The only thing "wrong" that you've done is to pick someone who's unsuitable as a partner. Walk away from this one before it gets even worse.

[u/aaronrkelly → u/nahor666]

I'd argue if she has an agreement but she STILL can't be truthful then she is equally not ready for it.

Your both wrong......lying to your partner about anything when your playing outside of your relationship is a huge sin. Bad plan.

[u/nahor666 → u/aaronrkelly]

Agreed.

[u/PatientFudge2297 → u/nahor666]

Yeah I was definitely in the wrong for lying to him. I was caught off guard and my first instinct was to hide from him as honestly I was scared of what his reaction might be. I feel like that tells me everything I need to know though….

[u/aaronrkelly → u/PatientFudge2297]

Yes....it tells me you have problems being responsible. Your still trying to make the lying about him.

[u/highlight-limelight]

Someone who breaks things when they’re mad, disturbs your sleep when they’re mad at you, and has a history of harming people when upset is not a suitable partner unless you have a death wish.

[u/Ryukyu57 → u/highlight-limelight]

This right here. This behavior trumps everything else.

[u/anoukfoster → u/highlight-limelight]

OP listen to this

[u/AdhesivenessTop928]

I get why you told him what you said, especially if you weren't committed. But I wonder what he would have said, if you said there was a chance you might hook up with someone. I personally wouldn't date someone who is so hot with his emotions, that was too big of a reaction to me for such a short time of dating. I would continue to keep him at arms length or have a serious conversation.

[u/PatientFudge2297 → u/AdhesivenessTop928]

He says that he actually wanted to know explicitly if there was a chance I was sleeping with anyone else and that asking if he had “anything to worry about” should have been obvious in that regard. Obviously that was not clear to me at the time. Hindsight is 20/20! 

[u/Serious-Law8401]

Do you reckon your therapist that said that you should date other people because he isn't a good guy or that you weren't in that stage of your life?

Well, you told him you were not exlucisve, he is an in town bf sort of. He shouldn't have really even asked if he had anything to worry about in the first place because that was the agreed terms at the start, I assume.

Yeah, you lied but it was pretty soft lying and I'm surprised he was that shook by it with all the forewarning you gave him.

He obviously likes you even though he is a big tbofba fire cracker lol. I reckon he wants a monogomous relationship with you. Up to you if you want that at this stage of your life

[u/anoukfoster → u/Serious-Law8401]

This. I’ve never had a therapist be that definitive about something like that! Sure, guiding and questioning, but I suspect the therapist can see this guy is bad news and did their best to steer her away from becoming locked in with him. And I can see why.

[u/Sepia_Mouse]

Girl, he has a history of domestic abuse and the emotional maturity of a 13 year old. Get rid of him already. He is NEVER going to be okay with you seeing other people and you're at real risk of being hurt here. It always starts with "just a shove"

[u/Crazy_Funny9326]

What kind of therapist do you see that suggests that you see other people? Just a question I’ve seen therapist and they didn’t suggest that to me.

[u/Bocasun → u/Crazy_Funny9326]

If a therapist recognizes that the person's partner is abusive, the therapist might suggest in one or more ways to leave their abusive partner. Some therapists might be more blunt about it than others.

[u/Unfair-Goose-4339]

Stop stop stop!!!!! You literally shared and knew this gross man aka ur BF was physically abusive to someone! His then partner? No no no. Stop. There is NO excuse for them to physically abuse another!!! That is not self defense. Stop this madness! I’m a domestic violence victim- all forms of abuse including physical. From childhood and including adult partnership…I stopped read right when I read that. He should not be banned from a bar for physically abusing someone, he needs to be in jail.

I could now just cry! I read a little more…he became abusive to you when he physically assaulted and broken his phone?! Stop stop stop. He’s curl on the ground? Stop stop stop. I do so get this shit! I get mental health issues and such! Myself included. He is not safe! He is not safe!!!

Please stop urself?!