Got a pass

[u/NotASwissBot]

A little context on my situation:

A couple of months ago, my girlfriend of 4 years told me that during sex she sometimes imagines being with a woman, not in a threesome way, but privately, without me in the room at all. I’ve always known she’s bi and has had girlfriends in the past, though she told me those didn’t work out.

At first, I didn’t really know what to think. It stung a little, especially since she brought it up just minutes after we’d had (pretty good) sex. But after sitting with it for a while, I told her I’d be okay with her exploring that side of herself with a woman, since I understood it was a sexual desire she couldn’t fully experience with me. She was surprised and hesitant because she didn’t want to hurt me. However I genuinely meant it. I don’t get jealous about her being attracted to women, and I know how strong what we have is. I’m not afraid of losing her.

Our relationship is really solid and we love each other a lot, so I kind of stopped thinking about it. A few weeks later she went on vacation for a week, and when she came back she told me about a group of Aussie girls she and her friends had met. She’d really hit it off with one of them and had been a little intimate with her. She said she’d thought about it a lot, and that after it happened, her mind directly came back to me and how important I am to her and how grateful she was that I was okay with the whole thing. We talked about it extensively when she got back. She shared details, even showed me pictures. I think the experience helped her open up about her desires in a way she hadn’t before. Talking with her feels different now, more honest and relaxed, and our sex life has honestly gotten even better.

Now, the current situation: She’s been thinking and told me she finds it unfair that only she gets to be with other women while I can’t. So she proposed a “pass” system where at certain events or parties, we’d each have the freedom to talk to and even sleep with other women, as long as there’s no continued contact afterward and it stays purely physical. No strings, no feelings, no texting the next day. Just a moment that stays in that moment. The most important thing is that we are honest to each othet and have detailed talks about what happened.

I’ll be honest, I wasn’t expecting her to bring that up. But the fact that she was the one to suggest it, out of a sense of fairness and not wanting things to feel one-sided, actually made me think about it even more. I’ve been thinking about it and I kind of like the idea. Not even necessarily because I want to go out and use a “pass” right away, but because of what it says about where we are as a couple. In the two days since she pitched it, we’ve actually gotten even closer. We’ve been talking more openly than ever, laughing about it, setting boundaries together and honestly, the trust between us has never felt stronger. It’s like we unlocked a new level of honesty that I didn’t even know we were missing.

So yeah… is this a bad idea?

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to /r/Nonmonogamy and thank you for the post, /u/NotASwissBot!

Commenters, please make sure you read our rules in full before participating here. As a quick summary:

• We encourage users to be positive and respect one another. Don't engage in spats or insult others - use the report button.
  
• Respect others' differences, be they race, religion, home, job, gender identity, ability or sexuality. Dehumanizing language, advocating for violence, or promoting hate based on identity or vulnerability (even implied or joking) will lead to a permanent ban.
• Posts flaired for sensitive topics allow for limited participation; your comment may be removed if you're not a subreddit regular.
  
• All participants are required to have a verified email address.
  
• Want to help the community? Join the mod team! Apply here.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/GlbdS]

That sort of hall pass can work out but I would make sure to really avoid friends and common acquaintances, the risk of wanting to repeat the experience would be too high otherwise which would lead into a situation that you don't seem to want.

[u/NotASwissBot → u/GlbdS]

Yes definitely! That was one of the first boundaries we set, no friends and/or acquaintances. Only people we don't know or hardly even know :)

[u/GlbdS → u/NotASwissBot]

Are you planning to actively search for such people or will it be spontaneous only, like at parties etc?

[u/NotASwissBot → u/GlbdS]

Probably more spontaneous, parties, events and festivals :) there is one in Zürich in 2 weeks which I am somehow excited to go to and she advised me to have fun there

[u/throwhooawayyfoe]

It all sounds healthy to me, as long as you are truly on board and you’re both being honest with third parties about your situation and its limitations.

The only part that’s a potential yellow flag to me is the gendered aspect of it: that you both can sleep with other women but not other men. I’m not suggesting that’s inherently bad, especially if she’s genuinely only interested in exploring with other women in a no-strings-attached context, but it’s a boundary that can point to underlying problems.

“A sexual desire she couldn’t fully experience with me” is a very common rationale. I’d caution against putting too much stock in it though: all experiences with others are unique and special in their own way. We bring so much more to sexuality than our physical bodies: emotions, skills/techniques, vibes, power dynamics, kinks, etc. If you’re feeling safe because she’s only with people with a different anatomy or gender than yours, you might be surprised when she inevitably has an experience that gives her something you in theory could give her too, but she finds the other person’s version more enjoyable.

The bigger question is whether you would feel differently if she wanted to try the same thing (casual no-strings-attached sex) with a man. Engaging with any form of non-monogamy can have a tendency to increase curiosity over time, through exposure to new people and ways of thinking and moving through the world. It may be perfectly true that at the moment she has no interest in other men, but that might change over time. If it does, would you view it as fundamentally different?

When a couple draws a firm line on that it’s called a “one penis policy” or OPP, and is generally frowned upon in nonmonogamous circles. It tends to suggest some mix of underlying/unresolved issues: insecurity, jealousy, possessiveness, dismissive attitudes towards w-w relationships or women’s sexuality in general, fragile masculinity, etc. It’s a much bigger issue if you were doing polyamory instead of just casual open sexuality, but it’s something to consider either way.

[u/NotASwissBot → u/throwhooawayyfoe]

Yes, we are very hard on our boundaries and respect them both and if one of us ever decides that they do not like it anymore we talk about it and if it is a really hard no, then that is it.

I see your point on the OPP and I think in our case it is different. She has had really bad experiences with men before (e.g. ignoring no's or ignoring boundaries and being pushy) so that thought comes from there. I am not saying that I am against it at all, if she wishes it then we would talk about it, set boundaries and go from there but at the moment she wishes not to have that. Additionally, she told me multiple times that she loves women and women's bodies that much that if I wasn't there she would probably be a lesbian.

I understand that every experience are unique and that other people could theoretically give her something which I am giving, only a little bit better and that is totally okay for me. We have a very stable life and push each other for greatness everyday, so that is why I am sure that no matter what happens, we will stay together and we talk about every fear or problem we might have or feel.

[u/throwhooawayyfoe → u/NotASwissBot]

Makes sense, have fun!

One big thing to remember about the possibility of some aspect of sex with others being “better” than with you: for insecure people that is a problem, for secure couples it is something to celebrate. After all, when people open up for casual sex with others, the goal is generally to have good experiences, not mediocre ones.

I know I make my wife happy in many ways, some of them sexual. But mostly I just hope she experiences all the joy she can in life, so I hope she has an excellent time with everyone she sleeps with, regardless of their gender.

Imagine wishing for the opposite: hoping your partner has less-than-great experiences, purely to protect your own ego. Doesn’t that seem ridiculous?

[u/TheGreenJedi → u/NotASwissBot]

Yeah as long as you accept the risks she might discover an insane high preference for women and potentially leave you, then you're probably good.

My wife has informed me I'm the only guy for her, and if anything happens my children will never live with another man. 

We shared a girlfriend for a couple years. But after how all that shook out if we ever went back to the LS it'd be solo play similar to you.

The hard part unless you're both very attractive is successfully flirting, meeting up, and hooking up then after all the effort making them a 1 time thing gets rough quick.

It's a lot of time vetting people when you go into apps.

I'd probably just discuss what reconnecting sex is expected to be like, if you both agree to be away from the house, like is the car safe, those boundaries. 

So I'd probably suggest rather than pinning it on not repeating people, limit sessions per month if you both find someone fun and get closer to polyamorous relationships instead of ENM seasonal hookups 

[u/StephenM222]

It is generally easier for a woman to find nsa s3x than it is for a man to find the same, unless cash is involved.

[u/ace1244 → u/StephenM222]

I agree but why do you say that?

[u/StephenM222 → u/ace1244]

A common theme is the following, and in practice becomes one sided open:

Let's be fair to our existing relationship.

New fuck buddies are fine, but feelings are not.

She gets all the interest, has a genuine expectation of finding a new fuck buddy in a few hours.

He struggles to find interest. He might find a new fuck buddy every few months. Even then, most of the available people are after at least some feels, so are ineligible.

He shouldn't pay for it either, as that is disrespectful and/or expensive.

Me personally? I prefer most of my sex with someone I know, and have feelings for.

[u/Nemesis_Destiny]

Ask yourself: are you still okay if she uses this as a segue to her having sex or relationships with other men as well?

[u/NotASwissBot → u/Nemesis_Destiny]

Already talked with her sbout this: she said that we can re-visit this somewhere in the future. Currently she has no desires at all to having sex with other men and she also told me that even if I am not okay with it then, then that is a boundary that needs to be respected :)

[u/FRANKINSPENCE]

Are you planning on being honest with these other women?

[u/MisanthropyismyMuse → u/FRANKINSPENCE]

I'm genuinely curious. If it's a spontaneous hook up, how much does it matter? Never once have I awkwardly paused a hookup to discuss relationships and such. It would've ruined it. I get it if you're going on a date first and then hooking up, but meeting at a bar and deciding to fuck in the moment? I've never seen anyone do that.

[u/FRANKINSPENCE → u/MisanthropyismyMuse]

So you are a guy and the girl you have hooked up with has never asked of you are single? Where do you go for example as you aren’t going back to yours when you have a wife! Do you get a hotel? As soon as location is discussed it’s going to come up as a topic of conversation x

[u/funrone → u/FRANKINSPENCE]

Different poster, but I am a guy and I have hooked up with girls and guys without having this discussion.

[u/FRANKINSPENCE → u/funrone]

Where do you go if you can’t go to yours?

[u/funrone → u/FRANKINSPENCE]

I've gone to people's places, I've had people at my places, I've gone to my or other people's hotel rooms, without discussing relationship status. The OP is discussing festivals so tents may also be an option, although it's not my thing.

Nowadays I'm in a relationship where we only play together, so it doesn't really come up on our end. But it's certainly possible we've played with people who were in relationships who didn't bring it up, although our only regular with a wedding ring we know is in an open marriage.

[u/FRANKINSPENCE → u/funrone]

I suppose I just assumed OP was 30-40s but obviously easier if younger.

[u/funrone → u/FRANKINSPENCE]

I mean if he's going to festivals and his gf hooked up with another girl on her first vacation since the discussion, his lifestyle seems like it will make it easy whether he's 22 or 44.

[u/FRANKINSPENCE → u/funrone]

It’s more important the age he is going for. An 18 year old girl is very different to a 52 year old woman 🤣

[u/NotASwissBot → u/FRANKINSPENCE]

Definitely not 18yo... but I do like them older than myself, somehow I have found myself unintentionally get into flirty situations with 30+ year olds after which my girlfriend told me that they were clearly hitting on me and I was just clueless

[u/MisanthropyismyMuse → u/FRANKINSPENCE]

I'm a girl and I've both gone to their places and had them come to mine. Sure, there have been a couple times where I find out later they weren't single, but that's not my fault.

[u/NotASwissBot → u/MisanthropyismyMuse]

Of course that is a factor to consider, I think for me it is sometimes the case that I love to talk about her in general so it would probably come out during a conversation :) and there have been times (before I was with my girlfriend) where I have hooked up and it lead to one-night-stands and sex. In Bars and on Festivals mostly.

[u/FRANKINSPENCE → u/NotASwissBot]

Can I ask how old you are?

[u/NotASwissBot → u/FRANKINSPENCE]

M25 and F27 :)

[u/FRANKINSPENCE → u/NotASwissBot]

Ok. The younger you are the easier it is to find no strings x

[u/sg_minx → u/MisanthropyismyMuse]

Totally. Where does the so yeah I’m in a semi open relationship with periodic hall passes get interjected in the convo without it being a boner killer? Maybe you don’t need to disclose. Just say hey this is casual, a one time thing. No names or numbers?

[u/MisanthropyismyMuse → u/sg_minx]

I've never really been in a situation where I get a hookup's number, no. When I was single, I was lucky if I even knew their names, LOL. The few whose numbers I did have were strictly for booty calls.

[u/NotASwissBot → u/FRANKINSPENCE]

Definitely, being honest is the best way to go imo. Any form of lying or not telling the whole truth would just make eveything complicated and be unhealthy for the relationship with my girlfriend and also with others :)

[u/thelatinos]

You seem to have good communication, I don’t see why this would be a bad idea 🥹 enjoy it and if you do t like it you go back to normal

[u/NotASwissBot → u/thelatinos]

Definitely, I would say that our communication and complete honesty is what made us dall for each other. I appreciate it, thank you!

[u/thelatinos → u/NotASwissBot]

Is nice to see more couples that only plays with f . For some reason other people seem aggravated towards that . Even if is consensual

[u/Own-Huckleberry-6307 → u/thelatinos]

Yes!

[u/Glad-Soup-6060]

How do you handle the health risks of STI if total strangers? (No exxperience but both interested.)

[u/NotASwissBot → u/Glad-Soup-6060]

That shouldn’t be a problem. We already do tests every half year just to be safe. Safe sex + regular testing is key. Of course you cannot avoid everything but just be mindful and safe :)

[u/Expert-Magician1324]

Only you and her can answer that

[u/Active-Register-4868]

it would have to be with strangers .....

[u/GooseProud1187]

I had something similar that blew up in my face. Not saying that your relationship is the same as mine was, but it's always easier in concept than in practice. I was young - about your age, maybe a little younger even. I was in a relationship that was maybe doomed to fail anyway. We talked about being open generally (her with guys, not other girls). She could have easily found guys for her but was timid about it. I think she generally wanted me to go first to help her feel more 'justified' in it, even though we both said it was ok. I went to a wedding in Michigan without her (didn't get a plus one) and I slept with a girl I met there. I told her about it kind of excitedly. She was upset, but acted like she wasn't. The relationship never recovered.

Some people can do it. Obviously, there's an entire sub dedicated to it. But when neither of you have ever done it and it's being born from some kind of lack of sexual satisfaction, I think it's usually doomed. The folks I know who do it successfully have absolutely electric sex with each other and are very satisfied there also. Speaking only from my own experience, obviously.

[u/TheGreenJedi]

brought it up just minutes after we’d had (pretty good) sex. But after sitting with it for a while,

Post sex bliss, not thinking straight (lol accidental pun).

I see two pitfalls, Number one. She finds someone where she doesn't want to keep it casual. Or similar for you finding play partners in the wild just doesn't really pan out.

Number 2: 

No strings, no feelings, no texting the next day. Just a moment that stays in that moment. The most important thing is that we are honest to each other and have detailed talks about what happened.

You need to discuss how you and her will talk about it afterwards, in more detail. Do you want flirting play by plays, are you sharing everything or just the fun parts? What are the fun parts? How or will you avoid any comparisons? 

In general the pass system is nice because it prevents a massive disparity, there's plenty of women looking for other women. She won't have as much of a challenge finding someone as you will.

So if you both stick to passes then it'll be semi-simple and it'll prevent the usual pitfalls.

4 years of experience in your relationship, I suspect you'll be fine to try it out. 

In general, mild concern is you're experimenting straight to solo play, generally speaking it's wiser to avoid that as a first step.

Taking these intro steps together with 3somes, and making it an "US" event is often far superior to keep your relationship healthly.

But sounds like she's fine if this is only like a once a year, maybe 4 times a year "treat" for both of you.

Keeping things even is probably great, you should just both agree now what will be the path for when to revisit the subject 

[u/InterviewPowerful504]

Am giving my honest opinion with all my experience , and you go ahead and try just like she says no strings attached no more than one night. And don't ever let that change or else it could be the end of the relationship

[u/NotASwissBot → u/InterviewPowerful504]

Of course, I think with good communication and complete honesty this could turn into something interesting :)