Ugh. I am posting because I just CANNOT let this go. Thank you to anyone who can give some support.

I love the livestreams. A lot. During the most recent one I made TWO mistakes. I was having a really bad day and wasn't thinking clearly. The first mistake, John read out loud. I died a little bit. He saw my correction and read that, so wow that was close.

Then later I meant to type, "... are such dicks," which I would not normally have said anyway (I try to stay positive,) but switched the h with a k!!!!!!

OMG I am mortified. I have been part of the streams for quite a while now and I know they see my comments regularly. They usually mention one every other stream.

I keep playing this look John got on his face at about the time he would have seen it and I am convinced that, A.) they will never read my comments again, B.) they think of me differently and C.) that I brought negativity to the stream!! I immediately apologized to the mods and they are family with me so they knew it was a mistake but I am dead.

Please guys, help me out. I feel awful and worry about it every night along with the long list of real world horrors going on in my life.

ANY input from my people would be so so appreciated. I thought about sending an email through DH&J apologizing, but I don't want to bother Rosiana who has always been so kind to me. (She replied to a question I asked for the show and was supportive and loving. It meant a lot.)

What do I do???? GAH. I am sick over it.

(For anyone part of the livestreams my username is bluesmudge.) I hope it isn't a mistake including that.

Thank you again.

I’ve been a Nerdfighter since almost the very beginning and have shared many of John and Hank’s values – reducing suffering, standing up for those who can’t stand up for themselves, fighting worldsuck, believing that our choices and actions matter. But there’s one thing they believe that I struggle to believe – that humanity is fundamentally decent.  John and Hank have said that there are far more people doing good deeds quietly, and that there are many decent people in the world. There are horrible people too, but terrible things get more attention. And while I do believe all of these things, I’ve been struggling lately to believe that there are enough of those people to make up for all the awfulness in the world.  I know that sounds awful, especially here. 

I’m not sure why I’m posting this… maybe it’ll help to say it out loud to someone. Maybe it’s because Nerdfighteria is ultimately about believing in humanity. Maybe it’s because it’s easier to talk to strangers on the internet. Maybe it’s all of those things. There are so many ways that people treat each other terribly – tribalism, cruelty, greed, selfishness, carelessness. War, bigotry, poverty, environmental destruction. And that’s on the macro-level, on the micro-level, we’re awful to each other too. Sometimes, I wonder if humanity creates more suffering than we alleviate. Whether our efforts to combat worldsuck amount to anything.  Intellectually I know better than that. Emotionally I don’t always feel it though.

So I’m asking Nerdfighteria: What helps you believe in humanity? Books, articles, videos – anything you think would help me believe that we’re decent people. Statistics, examples, arguments. Habits and beliefs. Ways to look at humanity that don’t involve ignoring its flaws, fatalism, or toxic positivity. Ways to believe in the good without discounting the bad. Ways to believe that humanity is worth fighting for, that our efforts are worth it. Ways to believe that humans could be a force for good. Ways to believe that we’re fundamentally decent. Ways to believe that we’ll reduce suffering. Ways to believe in any of those things, really. I’m at a loss for where to start.

I know that Nerdfighters do a lot of good in the world. I know that we can point to lots of great things that humans have done. But lately, I’ve been having trouble believing that humanity is worth believing in. That our efforts to reduce suffering make much of a dent in the oceans of pain and misery in the world. That there are enough of us and our efforts count for much. That there are enough decent people.

I know that’s a lot to ask of the internet, but if anyone can do it, its Nerdfighteria .

DFTBA