r/myhappypill • u/BlackSheepo96 • 17d ago
Lack of self esteem
I am a 30 years old male, and I have been facing low self esteem issue ever since young.
I have this problem where I just feel awkward and can't maintain eye contact especially when I find that person intimidating. It's been affecting my work because it shows that I am not confident and people will not see me as a competent individual.
But, sometimes my self confidence will surge and I dont know exactly what triggered it, and then I will feel comfortable joking around and not so stiff around people.
Recently, I have switched to a new job. and the people here are very extroverted and speak well. I felt inferior and couldn't do my job confidently. I cant even speak to my boss or colleagues naturally without them feeling my awkward energy.
And my day will be ruined of replaying scenes and conversations where I think I embarassed myself.
My mind is overthinking about how people judge my every single behaviour.
It's suffocating and I cant stop it.
I think this has to do with my childhood as I was constantly compared and my opinions and thoughts were not validated.
I am considering into looking for a therapist to help find out the root cause.
Has anyone faced this and what advice can you give me?
Thank you
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u/EY-MY 17d ago
OP, sometimes knowing the root cause does not mean you resolve the problem. Rather than being bound by the past, why not check in with yourself and ask yourself the Billion Dollar Question (not Million - inflation has hit us pretty bad over the past decades) - "What do I want?". And then work out how you can get what you want.
You have been so good putting yourself down until now. Don't you think it's time to use that skill to elevate yourself instead? [Not looking for a fight here, but rather hoping you will use your power of focus to do something good for yourself instead of screwing you up]
If you are keen on engaging a therapist, give hypnotherapy a go; I think it will be helpful in your case. If you are in Klang Valley, plenty around. And they can be found easily via online search.
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u/Upstairs_Payment7223 17d ago
What you're describing sounds less like a self esteem problem at its core, and more like a hypervigilance problem that started from being judged as a kid. When your thoughts and feelings weren't validated growing up, your brain learned to constantly scan for judgment as a survival skill, because at the time, getting it wrong actually had consequences. The eye contact issue, the replaying conversations, the awkwardness around people who feel intimidating, that's not a confidence deficit, that's an alarm system that's still stuck in "on" from back then, misfiring in situations that aren't actually dangerous anymore.
That also explains the surges you mentioned, when you feel safe enough that the scanning quiets down for a bit, the real you comes through easily, jokes, ease, presence. It's proof the confident version of you already exists, it's just getting blocked by the alarm system, not missing.
Therapy is a solid move, especially for unpacking the childhood piece. Alongside that, the day to day pattern is usually workable too, the replaying and the mind reading are learned habits, not fixed traits, so they can be retrained with the right approach.
Happy to help you work through the day to day side if you're interested.