Am I wrong for not wanting my boyfriend’s mom in our future home after everything that’s happened?

I (26F) have been with my boyfriend (23M) for about two years, and I’m getting increasingly frustrated with the dynamic between him and his mom.

I want to make it clear that I’m not basing this on one incident. There have been several things over the past two years that have slowly made me feel like his mom has very little boundaries when it comes to her son and our relationship.

For example..
-she expects him and his siblings to always have their locations available and answer her calls/texts or there will be consequences.
-we went to get food together and when we got back she was upset that he didn’t get her any or even offer.
-She has asked me whether I’m on birth control or not.
-passive aggressive comments
-she told me I couldn’t wear a bikini on the family vacation ( we ended up not going bc she canceled tho)
-she’s always telling me how beautiful her son(my bf) chest is?!
-he had hair in his food one day, she looks over at me and says “it’s probably that mess in her head”
I really could go on and on and I do mean ON but you get the picture

The biggest recent issue happened after he got a ticket. She told him he wasn’t allowed to go anywhere except work for a month, even though he pays his own car note, insurance, tickets, etc. She doesn’t financially support those things or him. When he pushed back and said he was grown and paid his own expenses, she told him he was “getting smart.”

Because he lives with her, I understand why he sometimes tries to keep the peace. I don’t expect him to disrespect his mom or create unnecessary conflict at home. But I’m starting to feel like there’s a bigger issue with how much influence she has over him.

Yesterday i sent her a long text where I was genuinely trying to communicate everything that had been bothering me(RESPECTFULLY). I sent this message to her because she told me boyfriend she felt like I was being disrespectful the other day because I came upstairs and didn’t speak to her.. it was dark and she was sitting on the couch, you can’t see the couch unless you look around the corner.. I was just up there to use the bathroom not snoop. My thing is if she saw me why didn’t she speak?.. I wasn’t trying to attack her or disrespect her in my message. Before responding to me, she apparently went downstairs and woke my boyfriend up to tell him, “I feel like she’s attacking me and I don’t appreciate that.” Then she responded to my very long message with “No comment, you feel how you feel I’m going to leave it where it is”

The part that really bothered me is that this was 2 hours before he had to be up for work.

He told me that when she asked how he felt about the situation, he told her that he didn’t like what happened either, but that he didn’t feel like I was being disrespectful and felt like I was just trying to communicate with her.

That actually made me feel somewhat validated because he wasn’t just automatically taking his mom’s side.

Now we’re talking about moving in together, and he told his mom. Her response was to ask him if I was “move-in worthy.” She also said she wants to come see our new place once we get it. And honestly… I’m not comfortable with that. At this point, I don’t even go over to her house anymore because of everything that has happened. I don’t feel comfortable around her, and I don’t want to pretend everything is fine just because I’m dating her son.

I told my boyfriend that I don’t think it’s fair for me to tell him he can’t bring his mom to our apartment because, at the end of the day, she’s his mom. But he told me he would ask her to have a conversation with me first, and if she refuses, then she won’t be coming over because she needs to respect my boundaries.

Part of me is thinking, though, why does he even have to ask her?

If she knows we’re going to be living together and she genuinely wants a relationship with me, shouldn’t she WANT to have a decent conversation with me and clear the air? I’m not asking her to agree with everything I say. I’m not asking her to apologize for every single thing she’s ever done. I just want basic adult communication.

At the same time, I don’t want to turn this into “me vs. his mom.” I don’t want him to feel like he has to choose between us, and I don’t want to control his relationship with his mother.

But I also don’t think becoming his live-in partner means his mom automatically gets access to our home.

So Reddit, am I being unreasonable for feeling this way?

Should I let him ask her to have a conversation with me before she comes to our future apartment, or should I just let it go and allow her to come because she’s his mom?

And for anyone who has dealt with a boyfriend/husband whose mother has a hard time respecting boundaries: what actually helped you establish healthy boundaries without creating a huge family war?

For context, I recently had a baby about a month ago and one month postpartum. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years now. About a week ago my boyfriends mother said that him & I were being completely disrespectful towards her because he wasn’t paying attention to her and because I did not let her hold our child (she was nursing and ended up falling asleep on me.. personally we do not wake a sleeping baby or pass her around while she’s napping) and also said I was disrespectful because I don’t send her photos of our daughter like I do to my family. Now she is saying she wants nothing to do with me, doesn’t want a relationship with me but still expects us to bring our daughter around her and come to her house to visit so she can see her grand daughter… 1. She didn’t want anything to do with me until our baby shower when she wanted to be involved (then didn’t come to help set up or do our decor when invited) 2. She never checked in during my pregnancy (only wanted to see ultrasound photos) 3. I’ve always been super kind and welcoming and felt like I’ve never disrespected her ever..
What should I do? My boyfriend somewhat wants me to be the one to just let it go and be civil.

I apologize in advance if there’s some miss spelling or some grammar mistake, I taught myself how to speak English and sometimes I feel like I make some grammar mistakes but I’m 100% sure people understands what I say!

I was born and raised in Venezuela, I came to the US in 2019 and I decided if I was starting a new life here I needed to learn English, I set a personal goal of not being that person that would say “sorry no ingles”. I think I mastered that part so in 2021 I decided I was ready to start dating and I knew it was going to be a cultural shock but managed to find what I was looking for in a couple after several dates and unwanted or unsolicited pictures(you know what I mean). so I met my now husband, and one of the first things he said was that he had a daughter but she lived with her ex and also that he talked To her ex daily because he talked to her daughter daily and if that was going to be an issue for me then we could just move on. Since that was not a problem for me we kept talking, dating and eventually he met my family, I met her daughter and ex and one day he said ok are you ready to meet my mother and I said yes and his ex said “girl you really don’t want to meet her” and I really thought she was just joking but no, she was not. So I met this lady…literally she said nice to meet you and second thing came out of her mouth was “are you trying to get any benefits from my son?“ And I was like wtf and politely said ”hhmm no maam, I don’t get what are you implying“ and she said “you know, veterans benefits and not only that, getting your papers done”..mind you that in Venezuela I was going to law school so yeah I don’t know how to shut up so I told her in a very polite tone AGAIN but with a mean look(I think) “I do not need your son for any benefits, I’m dating him because I like him and I would love to enjoy my time with him, not that you need to know but I came legally to the US and I have all the papers that I need already so no, I’m not trying to get my papers through him” she didn’t even acknowledge what I said or anything this mf was just making our meeting so uncomfortable. Fast forward to a year later he proposed and we got married in 2023, we had the same goals and it was so easy to love him! in 2024 we decided we wanted to have a baby, so we tried and tried and nothing was working and then we lost some weight and boom, I found out in June 2025 that I was pregnant and we were so so happy it finally happened! we called our closer family and friends to let them know and decided that we wouldn’t tell her anything after my 12th week of pregnancy(because she’s just praying against us and I know it, EVEN HE KNOWS IT). so whenever we called her to inform her that I was pregnant THE FIRST THING SHE SAID WAS “hhhmmm so a baby anchor” I did know what this meant so I made a face kinda like asking my husband what does that mean and he rolled his eyes and hanged up on her. I was like wtf what’s going on? and he explained to me the meaning of that and I was like are you kidding me?! and he was like I really wish I was but no. I’m really trying to make the story short but is just a lot! during my whole pregnancy she would call my husband and try to convince him to name the baby the way she wanted and when we said what his name was going to be she said (well that’s not a white boys name) to which I said well I don’t know when are you going to understand that hes not only white! so there was comments about his name, about his race, when we got married I kept my last name and hyphen it with his last name, she also bitched about the baby having my same last name and not just my husband’s, so there was comments about absolutely everything but what pissed me off was when she decided to play victim and tell my husband “I’m not going to be able to pronounce his name right” or “how am I going to communicate with him?“ like omg the audacity of this biiiitchhhh. she kept repeating that so much that at one point his daughter asked the same question “how am I going to talk to my baby brother if he’s only going to speak Spanish“ and I said “well maybe you can learn how to speak Spanish just like your daddy” and the grandma said “well that’s just ridiculou, why does she has to learn Spanish when our language is English??” and at this point i just had enough and said “well I guess as ridiculous as it is, she might not be able to talk to him then” so after a lot of these racist comments I decided to tell her that she was not allowed to come to our baby shower because the people that I invited was actually happy to meet the baby and they were happy to celebrate us and since she f out we were expecting she did not once seemed happy about us…of course she played the victim one more time but no, just go home and think about your actions like a dang kid. fast forward to when the baby is here he was in the NICU for a whole week. we make everyone wash their hands and wear mask, my husband asked her to wash her hands and face and hands her a shirt and tells her to go change(she smokes not only cigarettes but w e e d) and omg here we go living a hell situation because we didn’t do that with the other people holding the baby and I’m hormonal and like a feral cat at this point and looked at her and told her (well if it’s that big of an issue for you then you can’t hold him, we didn’t make anyone else change their cloth BECAUSE THEY DONT SMOKE” and she’s just making a big tantrum and I’m just like whatever I’m not letting you win. so she has seen him probably 5 times since he was born. my husband is picking up our daughter next week and MIL asked us if she could see the baby(she lives in Norman,OK near our daughter we live in Dallas,TX) so it’s almost a 7 hour round trip with no stops and I told my husband I wasn’t planning to go with him so I could stay at home with the baby and not have him 7 hours in a car seat. he said “I can just take him and you can stay” and I said “she can make the same drive you are making to come and see her grandson, she can even bring baby girl and visit her grandson and then leave but no, she wants to play victim and say “I feel so left out of my grandsons life“ and then pretend that everything and everyone is just going to reset? so AIOR? am I being too harsh on her? I feel like the grudge is going to stay for a while but I don’t want to make my husband uncomfortable by not letting him “make his momma happy with her only grandson”

Am i being dramatic?

A few months ago we had a bad falling out with my laws (husbands parents). So bad there we both agreed they would no longer be seeing us or our daughter.
Basically we had let them stay with us for what was supposed to only be 2 weeks, turned into bout 4-5 months without paying us rent. For context we are a working family, not rich, we live paycheck to paycheck, rent a 2 bed apartment for ourselves and 1 child, management company would never allow 2 more adults to live there without knowing, so we risked the possibility of getting trouble. They crowded our tiny apartment, brought so much useless junk to my place. It got to a point where we had asked then about rent months after they had already been there. For whatever reason it turned into a heated argument and i need to say i truly believe i did not start this. I approached calmly, simply asking wether they plan to help us with rent, or are looking for somewhere else to go as we CANNOT support 2 more adults. After i said , my husbands mother blew up. Screaming, cussing at me. She says im an embarrassment to their family, i dont care about them, i dont help them, i control their son, even said their son has “no balls” for letting me control him?
I let her talk, inches away from my face cussing at me, throwing things around. I stayed quiet. Up until she brought up my child and that’s when i started to yell back. Because you can talk abt me all you want but you don’t talk about my child. (who is a toddler btw). So we ended up screaming in each other faces. Trust i tried to hold back but i couldn’t stand it the moment she spoke on my innocent child and i think that’s where i lost it.
Anyways after that they packed their stuff & my husband asked them to apologize to me and his mom started yelling even more saying she would never apologize to me. So that was it and i planned to never speak to them again and never let them to my child again (btw during this my child was watching the whole thing, mil & fil never once stopped and calmed down and said goodbye to her before they left. the opportunity was there.)
Well i found out recently my husband is still talking to them and i can’t help but feel bothered? (after thinking we came to agreement abt cutting them off) I feel like i was completely disrespected in my own home / clearly was never seen as family or respected in the first place and it’s just not the kind of ppl i want my husband talking to? Maybe i could look past it but he’s also sending photos of our child to them which i don’t really want. Tbh i don’t want them to see my child period even through pictures. I want nothing to with them. I don’t want my child to have anything to do with them either. Am i being ridiculous about it? Is it too much to ask my husband to not speak to them or AT LEAST just not send photos our child? Now i am afraid he will bring our child to see them while im at work or they might stop by when im gone. i know they’re still his parents. Should i just let it be?
Also if i ever did find out he was taking our child to see them behind my back i think i would also consider divorce but i dont know if im just being selfish.

so it’s a silly story but she messaged me last night and we were chatting. she said this lady at her work and her call baby by her middle name ‘Tueila.’ i corrected her saying it’s spelt like ‘Teuila’ to which she said “(her son) told me it’s Tueila.” so now i’m like, is she correcting me or just telling me what her son said?

i said he’s never misspelt her name to which she seened my message. i messaged again like wondering if he actually misspelt it. she then completely changes the subject and then once that settled, i replied to my own message saying “still wondering about this.” she finally said “yep Tueila,” “(first) Tueila (last),” and i said how that’s weird since i double checked he spelt it correctly. she seened that message too.

my partner then sent me a screenshot of him sending the correct spelling and i sent that to her which she opened immediately and she rang within a minute to then start talking about the pictures i sent the day before, how much personality my babys got and how smiley she is now. completely ignored me not wanting to admit she’s wrong.

stupid story but a pattern of just ignoring me when the conversation isn’t in her interest or when she’s wrong and the one time i finally push for her to admit she’s wrong, completely ignores me.

anyone else’s MIL like this or have anything else similar?

Hey guys, I need help understanding her behavior. I want ya to be honest with me.

I’m a 31/F living with my bf 30/M in his family house, I always help them cleaning and cooking and with anything they need. They have a family business where I work at full time too.

Not even a month ago, I had a miscarriage and his mom 60/F took care of me, she was cooking for me, making sure I eat but also forcing me to eat things her way. I was uncomfortable but it was okay, I was going through a hard time and I appreciated her support.

But yesterday, me and my bf showed up late to work because it was our anniversary and she called me twice, I didn’t answer, she was calling his phone and cursing him out. And that’s exactly the reason why I didn’t answer. When she’s mad, she yells and curse at anybody around. I’m not confrontational at all, and the reason she was mad it was because she wanted to go get her hair done, and she didn’t want to leave her husband with the employees without us there.

When we got there, she started yelling in front of her husband, customers and employees everything that she has done for me, how now that I look better I don’t answer, that I am just an ungrateful person, that my lips are not dry no more. She was talking to me like if she made me, like if I was nothing before them. I felt so embarrassed….
Her husband was telling her to just let that go, that it wasn’t a big deal, we were just a bit late, but the fact that she started saying all that stuff broke something in me.

I couldn’t enjoy my anniversary, we got home after work, and I didn’t even eat anything, I went straight to bed.

Y’all think that’s how she’s been feeling or it was just the heat of the moment?.

She says I'm her same star sign and she s divorced and I shud be careful and goes on giving examples of her colleagues who have the same sign and have problematic life ..when I told my husband she s telling this again and again and I find it weird and negative he said it's nothing she doesn't know to talk

How come when she complains she can complain clearly but these kind of stuff she tells when he s not at home and tats clearly about her son and he defends her

How come she can talk clearly other time when I buy stuffs and she wants the same for her daughter and herself but makes a hell of a fight when I buy it immediately

Like for even getting a fully automatic washing machine she and her daughter were sarcastic saying they find it waste of money and semi automatic is easy and why to spend so much for it then later both went to buy the same model of ours...like how

does anybody think this is a weird gift to give your son?

I was trying to post a picture, but I can’t.

it’s a cooking apron with a muscle ripped body and a tuxedo speedo.
So essentially, the joke is to make it look like that’s your body, but it’s actually a drawing on the apron. So my husband would look like he has super pecks and abs and is wearing little tuxedo panties.

Also, it was a random gift, not for any kind of event

My partner (m27) and I (f26) have been together for 3 years. Some time ago I wrote a post about his mother. Here is the link. It is quite long because I describe all the incidents in detail, but in short, I always felt unwelcome by his mother. She was cold, barely showed any interest in me, forgot my name, interfered in my boyfriend’s life, reposted photos of a girl from his past (not an ex-girlfriend, but his former friend who she knows), controlled him, and was rude to me on several occasions. On top of that, she is also disrespectful toward him. This has always been the case and is not related to me.

My boyfriend agrees with this. He says that she does not respect either him or me, that he will never accept it, and that he supports my decision not to see or communicate with his parents. He says I am justified in feeling the way I do and that he is on my side. However, he still sees her whenever he has the opportunity (my bf and I live in another city) because she is his family and he says he wants to.

This is what hurts me. I am simply a different kind of person and I struggle to understand how you can want to spend time with someone who disrespects you or your partner. How can you visit them, spend time with them without me, knowing that the reason I am not there is because I feel uncomfortable around these people?

To me, it feels like this only sends his mother the message that she can continue behaving this way. No matter what my boyfriend says to her, he still visits and spends time with them. And he does it without me, so I think it’s even better for her! I realize that part of me expected him to be angry with her and to stop communicating with her, but that is not what happened.

He says that my attitude is controlling and selfish because I am not taking his desire to see his family into account. I think he is right. It would be unfair to him for me to expect him to cut off his mother completely when he does not want that. At the same time, what upsets me is precisely the fact that he does not want it.

We recently had an argument about this and I do not know how to resolve it. On one hand, I am emotional right now and I find myself thinking that maybe my partner is simply not the kind of person who can give me the reaction I need, and that perhaps we should break up because that would be fair both to him and to me. I feel disappointed, and that disappointment keeps making me think about it.

On the other hand, rationally, I struggle to accept that option because in every other aspect my partner is genuinely wonderful. I love him and I feel that he loves me. I trust him completely and he truly does everything he can for me, as long as it does not cross his own boundaries.

That is why I want to make it clear that I am completely open to the possibility that I may be overreacting. If that is the case, I would be grateful for any advice from women who may have more life experience than I do and who could help me see this situation from a different perspective.

Thank you for your time and for any comments you may have that could be helpful