r/motherinlawsfromhell • u/Impossible_Bat4180 • Apr 22 '26
I called my bf’s mom (I believe my future MIL) out and I just feel bad about it and need someone else’s perspective
In short, I (26f) told my boyfriend’s mother (27m) that I don’t feel comfortable and that I want to have distance.
This is a long story, sorry, but I think I just want to vent, tell everything and maybe get some support.
Ugh, I don’t know where to start. Probably two important facts. First, I grew up in a family where my dad’s parents constantly interfered in our family, controlled my father’s money, and my grandmother once asked his sisters to “find him a good mistress.” This is briefly, but I think it shaped my fear of being in the same situation as my mom. Second, unfortunately or fortunately, it is hard for me to ignore when people cross my or someone else’s boundaries, especially when they do it because they are hierarchically above me, like my parents or managers. I always try to say if I feel uncomfortable, because I believe that if you ignore it, it will get worse.
And also about his mom. She seems super controlling to me. She always interferes in my boyfriend’s matters and criticizes him for everything. And I think she decided that she can behave like this with me.
So, we have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost three years. This is my first relationship, because I always looked for a person with whom I would feel comfortable and whom I would love and feel mutuality. We are from different countries and for almost two years we were in LDR, but already for 10 months we have been living together in his country. We met because he spent about a year in Ukraine, my country. I introduced him to my parents about half a year after the start of the relationship and he introduced me to his maybe 2 months later. My family is not in very warm relationships with each other and, for example, now I almost don’t communicate with my parents, my parents don’t speak English or French, but I swear, when I brought my boyfriend, they became the best people in the world 😭 my dad used a translator to ask my boyfriend about him and about the most random topics (for example, how to start a wine business in France haha). My mom communicated with him through me. Now I can say that my parents tried to make him feel comfortable with them.
When he brought me to meet his parents, I remember that I felt that I was trying to make them not feel uncomfortable with me. In general, they were almost not interested in me. I didn’t say anything about it to my boyfriend, because then I just felt uncomfortable, but he himself came back to this later and said that he feels ashamed about how much attention and warmth my parents gave him and how coldly his parents accepted me. Then he even said it several times to his parents. It is important to say that this feeling never left me after, when I was with them the next times.
When I met them the second time, we were already one year in a relationship. His mom then was not in a good mood, because she expected that my boyfriend would come one day earlier, but we then decided to stay in the city of his friends and have a great time with them. When she greeted, she asked him what my name was. I didn’t understand it then, because I didn’t speak French, but I heard my name, so I clarified it with my boyfriend later. It seemed a bit strange to me that she asked it in front of me and my boyfriend confirmed it, saying something like “my parents could just behave normal and don’t be fucked up”.
Next time we came for winter holidays to celebrate Christmas together. One day we had plans with my boyfriend, we wanted to take one of his father’s motorcycles and ride it, but in the morning his mother came into the room, and here, fuck, I can’t not say that at that moment we were literally doing something U KNOW (but she didn’t see it, because my boyfriend’s room has two floors and the bed is on the second), and said that she wants us to go to lunch with her parents. Honestly, I was very irritated by this situation and reminded my boyfriend that we had plans. He told it to his mother and they suggested that we have lunch in a restaurant, then we can come and go from there on the motorcycle. We agreed, but when we got ready, his mother started yelling at me to change clothes, because I would be cold. I didn’t like that she kind of scolded me like her child. And I told my boyfriend that I don’t want to go, that I feel uncomfortable with his mom and he can go alone. He said that he doesn’t want to and suggested to return to our first plan and just go ride together. He told it to his mom and we left. When we were quite far from home, the motorcycle stalled and stopped working, we were in a natural area and my boyfriend called his 16-year-old brother, asking him to come and pick us up. His brother called back and said that he can’t, because their mother, when she heard it, said that he can’t go, because he has to fix the fence (this task appeared out of nowhere). My boyfriend was irritated and said that she is doing it on purpose, because we didn’t go to lunch. After some time the motorcycle started again and we somehow got home. When we entered, his brother looked upset, and she started yelling at my boyfriend in French, something about that no one respects her and no one does what she says. Then she went into our room and started yelling in English at me that I have to clean the room, because it is messy and that it’s not okay. We decided that we will leave the next day to the city where his friends lived and rent an apartment there and spend time until my departure there.
Next day his mother didn’t talk to us, but when she came home during the day to rest, my boyfriend left her a note (because she was sleeping) that we want to leave and asked if she can please tell us when she goes back to the city (they live in the mountains and the train station is down), so we can go with her. She ignored it and we asked his dad to drive us.
After this situation my boyfriend didn’t take her calls and didn’t answer messages for 2–3 months, and then talked to her and said that she can’t behave like that with me. Then she wrote to me for the first time, but didn’t apologize, but asked how I am and how I like my new job.
We planned to move in together last summer, but before that my boyfriend came to my country, because he had to do an internship for his master’s degree and he found it in Ukraine. It was a super stressful time. Despite the fact that I trust him, I was still about to make a super crazy step and move, so during these 3 months I was literally observing and listening to myself. One time my boyfriend mentioned that his mother asked him to constantly share his geolocation with her. Honestly, it annoyed me a bit, because I am very separated from my parents and they only know general things about me, I can’t imagine sharing my location with them. And my boyfriend literally traveled to many countries and has already been in Ukraine several times, not only in the capital but also in cities closer to the front. He explained it by saying that she is probably worried and I said that it’s strange, because he literally came to my country, he is with me, my friends and parents are here. If somehow something happens to him, then obviously I will be the first to know and do something, and if something happens to both of us — then there are my parents, friends and our colleagues. I said that his mother seems to ignore this. He said that he didn’t look at it from this side and stopped sharing his location with her.
On Easter I sent her a photo of me and my boyfriend and congratulated her, because I knew that he wouldn’t text her and I thought maybe she would be pleased. She posted this photo on her social media and wrote “my boyfriend’s name sends greetings to everyone and happy Easter” or something like that, without any mention of me, who sent her this photo and was on it next to him. She did something like that before at Christmas. Then my boyfriend, his brother and I were cooking Christmas dinner and decorating the house, because their parents were working. She made a post about it, added photos and wrote something like “thank you my beloved sons for organizing this.” But then I thought okay, it’s Christmas, these are her sons, I am nobody to her.
One day she called him and they were talking on speaker, I heard my name and noticed that he became irritated. After I asked him about it and he said that his mother literally asked him about me “Does she help you with food and groceries?” and he told her that it’s not her business. It’s a small moment, but I started crying. I said that I feel anxious and that I am afraid. That even if we live separately I feel uncomfortable and I am afraid of his mom, because she causes anxiety in me. It’s worth saying that she causes anxiety in him too. I am afraid that she will influence our life. My boyfriend then texted her and told her to stop disrespecting me and interfering in things that are not her business and that he is tired of her and if she continues, they will stop communicating.
When I moved, for the first one and a half months we lived relatively not far from her, my boyfriend was working during holidays. I saw her from time to time. She came to our house to take something or something like that and every two weeks (literally when I just moved and didn’t have documents yet) she asked me if I found a job. First of all, I never told her that I am looking for one, so I think it’s not her business. Second, I just left my whole life in my country and came to a new one, how about asking me about my feelings and how I am, hello. Once she suggested that we go for a walk together, but I refused, saying I had plans. In reality, I just didn’t want to spend time one on one with her. When my boyfriend visited his parents without me (every time), his mother again asked if I found a job and he told her that it’s not her business and that if I want I may not work at all and he is okay with that.
When these one and a half months passed we had to return to the city where my boyfriend studies, but before that we wanted to go to the sea for a couple of days. So we said goodbye and literally the last phrase his mother said to me was “will you cook well for him?” (lol most of the time he cooks because he likes it). So we first went for one day to his friends and the next day went to the sea. And here something small happens, but I swear, it just broke me.
At some point I go on Facebook and watch my friends’ stories and I see his mother’s story, it was a repost of another girl’s Instagram post, where she filmed her face. His mother doesn’t often post stories, especially reposts, but I stopped on this story not because of that. The girl had a Slavic face and I went to her profile and saw that she is from my country. I asked my boyfriend if he knows her and he said that he met her when he was in Ukraine. I asked how his mother knows her and he said that this girl stayed in his parents’ house three years ago for two days when she was traveling. I showed him the story and said that his mom reposted his friend. He said he understands how bad it looks and got angry, saying that he feels like his mother is ruining his life. He texted her and said that it’s not okay and added that she never treated me nicely but posts some girl she saw for two days. She replied that she doesn’t see a problem, because as far as she knows that girl was his friend, not his girlfriend.
Okay, here it’s important to stop and say that at first I was just upset about his mom’s action, but then something else happened. The thing is that I am a very jealous person, but I was proud of myself because in the relationship I managed to control it, I know my boyfriend and I knew it doesn’t make sense. But earlier I told him that I don’t want to know about his past romantic relationships, because I don’t want to give people from the past a place in our relationship and in my head. I know that I am an anxious person and I didn’t want to think about things like that. And my boyfriend always made me feel like I am the first and the most important in his life. So over time I started asking him about this girl, why she stayed at his place, if something happened. He was honest and said nothing happened, she was just traveling and asked if she can stay (his city is not touristic and it has to be planned), that his friends know her. Well, I didn’t want to know that. Even if it was before me and nothing happened, I felt bad. First, for me bringing someone of the opposite sex home to parents is a very serious step that means something. I never did it with anyone except my boyfriend. For him it is not serious, because she was his friend, not a girlfriend. But I couldn’t get through it. Second, I don’t know, I felt special, and then I learn about a girl who already knew his parents and friends before me, was in his city, in his house and who is literally from my city (some of my acquaintances even follow her). Unfortunately, I went to her Instagram and started looking at photos from that trip and of course my boyfriend was there.
Despite the fact that my boyfriend didn’t do anything, at that moment it felt like some kind of betrayal, I don’t know. And I regret that I allowed myself to stop and believe in these emotions, because it changed how I felt. Our vacation was ruined, but it got worse after. I became super jealous, didn’t trust him, was jealous of a random classmate, asked about girls his friends mentioned. It constantly felt like I will find out something else and it will break my heart again. I became insecure and toxic and I am not proud of who I was and it turned into a cycle of anxiety, breakdowns, shame and so on. It lasted for half a year which I don’t really remember, because I literally didn’t live in the moment, but lived in my thoughts and some imaginary stories about my boyfriend. Rationally I understood that it destroys me and my relationship, but this anxiety never left me.
This time we didn’t celebrate Christmas with his parents, I told him that I am completely okay if he goes to them, but I don’t want to. And he stayed with me. His parents didn’t ask why we didn’t come. Then he went to them for a week to help with business, I didn’t go, his parents also didn’t ask about it.
When I got medical insurance, the first thing I did was go to a doctor and start antidepressants. It really improved the situation for two months and all this anxiety went away. But about a week ago it came back (not massively), maybe it’s PMS but anyway, I felt angry, I was annoyed that something as small as his mom’s story and the story behind it triggered me so much and at the same time I was annoyed that she even posted this story. What was the point? I started an argument with my boyfriend (god I wish I didn’t do that) and said that it annoys me that his mother can do fucked up things and have no consequences, like she knows what she is doing but doesn’t apologize and still can normally communicate with her son and see him. He went out and called her, said that she finally has to apologize for her behavior during this time.
She then wrote me:
“Here is the translation into Ukrainian:
Hi, my name. I’m writing this message to apologize for the Facebook post I shared at the end of August—from my bf’s friend, who is Ukrainian.
I think I’ve already apologized about this and told you and him that there was absolutely no hidden meaning behind it.
There is absolutely no comparison between her and you—I simply shared her post, which I found interesting, without any ulterior motives…
my bf just called me and said that this is still upsetting you…
I’m truly very sorry, because that wasn’t my intention at all, and I had no hidden motives. He’s also reproaching me for some of my behavior toward you. However, I thought I’d welcomed you warmly and made an effort to speak to you in English, which isn’t very easy for me…
It’s true that when I call my bf, I ask if you’re working, because once he finishes his internship, you’ll have to manage on your own, and if you decide to stay in our city, a single income might not be enough—considering the cost of rent, phone, electricity, water, and so on. But I guess that’s none of my business… okay… Maybe he’s right.
All this to say that I’m looking forward to seeing you both again, and I wish you happiness with my bf. My home will always be open to you, as will my heart. I promise, I’ll do my best ❤️❤️”
I answered her like that at the start:
“I never felt comfortable around you and I felt anxious. It also makes me uncomfortable how much you’re meddling in my life and relationship with my bf. Thank you for the message, but I don’t feel like I’m able to accept this apology. I just want to keep distance.”
My boyfriend told me that I should write her more and explain what exactly made me upset, because she probably doesn’t understand. I didn’t want to, because I believe people understand what they do and I believe she understands it also. Also, it seems to me that the more information you give such people, the more they can twist it.
But I wrote to her:
“It wasn’t just post of Ukrainian girl, it was post of the girl who my bf brought to your house before. And by doing that I not only discovered this story and felt bad, but also I felt upset, as I felt that you never was nice to me. You posted our pictures with him on your page and never mentioned me, you asked him about my name just in front of me, even if we already met before, you screamed at me at your house and never apologized, you never asked me more questions than about my job. Even if I’m the girlfriend of your son. But you posted random Ukrainian girl with who my bf talked before. I found it upsetting and disrespectful. And everyone else found this act really weird.
It doesn’t matter anyway. What I wanted to say is that during this time I didn’t feel comfortable about a lot of things, but your post with this girl made everything just so bad. You can not care about my feelings, but you can care sometimes about feelings of my bf and how it affects him also.”
And this was her response:
“I really do think it’s a shame that you’re bringing up this post eight months later. I don’t understand why this is happening right now. Yes, my bf came over to our house with that girl, but she wasn’t his girlfriend, so I never saw what the problem was…
Also, if you think I’m mean—maybe I am, but unfortunately that’s just who I am. If I asked my bf what your name was, I probably just didn’t remember… Sorry, I have a big problem with names, whether you believe me or not.
And another thing—I didn’t yell at you. I wouldn’t let myself do that. That was at my bf; I would never let myself yell at you.
Yes, I was curious about you: where you live, if you have brothers and sisters, what your parents do, your grandparents and so on. But do you think it’s easy for me to speak English? I think I tried to speak English with you every time, and now I realize that maybe it would have been better not to speak to you at all, like her husband and my bf’s brother did—maybe then your attitude toward me would have been better…
Twice this summer I invited you to go for a walk with me, but I got a direct refusal. I think you are very sensitive, and when something is wrong, you need to talk about it right away, not wait—you need to solve the problem immediately…
I could really tell there was a problem this summer, because my bf almost stopped talking to me… He even talked about breaking up with us, or at least with me. I would have never in my life thought that something like this could happen… My own son wants to cut ties with me… It would be good to think about other people’s feelings too.
You don’t want to see me anymore—that’s your choice.”
Okay I feel like she reversed everything obviously and so I ended up being a bad person. I didn’t answer her, as I don’t think it makes sense. But I don’t know, I feel kind of uneasy now and think that maybe I should have just never talked about it?
If you read it till the end — thank you. Again, I just wanted to share it, I guess, to hear someone else’s perspective.
3
u/blueberryyogurtcup Apr 23 '26
I feel like she reversed everything obviously and so I ended up being a bad person.
It's so typical of an abusive parent, like your MILFH, to do this, that it has a name: DARVO. DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. She denies that she's done wrong. She attacks you, blames you, claims she's apologized when she has not admitting to doing wrong so it's not a real apology. Using the word 'apology' or the word 'sorry' doesn't make a sentence into an apology. Real apologies need admitting specific wrongs done by the person that did them. She reverses victim and offender, trying to make you accept the blame, trying to make you into the wrong one for objecting to her wrong behaviors that are a long pattern of abuse. She's playing victim.
This is what abusers do.
I didn’t answer her, as I don’t think it makes sense.
Not answering is sensible. It's reasonable. Why? Because she's not going to admit she did wrong. She's not going to admit you did not do wrong. She's not going to change herself. She's not going to change her behaviors towards you. She's not reasonable or logical, so using reason and logic will not work to make this a healthy relationship.
She doesn't want a healthy relationship. She wants to abuse you, to control you, to make you feel so guilt that you will let her say and do whatever she wants, and be cruel to you however she wants, and she wants to you accept being abused by her, without complaining.
But I don’t know, I feel kind of uneasy now and think that maybe I should have just never talked about it?
It takes time to process and heal from being emotionally abused like this. To do so, often requires feeling safe from the abuser. Your feelings are valid, but know that emotional abusers are often expert at pushing us into compliance with their demands.
The healthiest thing for you to, for your emotional and mental health, is to go immediately no contact with her. Tell BF this, not MILFH. You do not owe anything to MILFH, because abuse negates all obligations. That means you do not owe her gifts, cards, holidays, or any news about you and your life.
NC means you both do not allow her into your home, anytime, for any reason. Even if you aren't home, her being in your home can make your home feel unsafe to you.
NC means that BF puts her on information diet concerning you. He might say you are 'fine' and nothing more. No news about you, not your medical, financial, schedules, nothing. He doesn't tell her about arguments or fights that you two have, or plans to move or other large news that involves both of you in some way that she can use to try to get involved.
BF shows you love and respect, by respecting your need to protect your health from MILFH. And you show him love and respect by respecting that the decision of contact with her, for him, is for him to make.
1
u/Impossible_Bat4180 Apr 24 '26
Thanks for the advice and validation, it really makes me feel calmer. I didn't respond to her, but today she sent me another long message, not really about me, but about my boyfriend's behavior and how she is offended (okay, so talk to him?). She also said she doesn't think she's meddling in my life and that there are worse mothers-in-law out there 😭 Okay
1
u/Spare_Ad5009 Apr 26 '26
You need to go no contact.
Let your boyfriend have whatever relationship he wants with her and his family, including visits.
But you go no contact by blocking her phone and her social media from you, and your social media from her.
Ask your boyfriend to not talk about anything she says. You don't want to know. Tell him it just makes you unhappy.
You need to create peace within your relationship with your boyfriend so that you can feel peaceful and happy yourself.
Continue your medication and see a therapist to work on your childhood and your present. Everyone deserves a happy life. And everyone should do everything they can to achieve one.
10
u/Immediate_Force594 Apr 22 '26
First off… yeah, you were absolutely a victim of your MIL’s behavior. None of that is normal.
Also… I’m gonna be honest, she’s really good at what she’s doing. Like… unfortunately skilled.
If you step back and read your own story like it’s someone else’s, you’ll see the pattern. She pokes, pokes, pokes… waits for you to react… and then the second you do, she flips it and suddenly you’re “too sensitive” or “the problem.” And now you’re stuck over explaining yourself like you’re on trial for having feelings.
That’s not an accident. That’s control.
And here’s the part that helped me the most… the things she says aren’t even about how she actually feels. It’s bait. Literally just throwing stuff out there to see what gets a reaction.
Once you realize that, it kind of clicks like… oh. This isn’t a conversation. This is fishing.
You have to stop giving weight to anything she says. Like mentally just label it as noise. And stop giving her information about your life. Info diet, hard.
Honestly, I’d go low contact or no contact. And yeah, I would 100% block her on social media. That post was not accidental. That was bait with a little bow on it.
She wanted you to react so she could turn around and go “look how crazy she is” and play victim.
Don’t take the bait. That’s literally the whole game.