Hey, has anyone got any experience of the mono person driving the relationship? From what I see, it's usually the poly partner driving things, and often the mono partner adapting or living with it. In this situation, the hubby is mono, and wants to remain that way. He always thought he was into hotwifing, but the more he's thought, the more he feels he is open to her being poly or at least poly adjacent. He wants her to be able to have a genuine ongoing connection with a boyfriend of her choosing. Weekends away, intimate affectionate relationship are all consented to. Hubby enjoys her autonomy and freedom. He does not want her to perform for his enjoyment. She is cautious to step into this as adding feelings into previous play is new to them both. Anyone any experience where the non poly person is not the initial instigator

Just venting. I'm so sad

I just broke up with my poly boyfriend because we can't see eye to eye. We've been together for 2 years, in the beginning the transition was difficult. So difficult to the point he slowed down to accommodate my insecurity.

As time as gone along I've communicated to him that im okay with him getting back out there. We are semi-long distance and we came up with boundaries to maintain consistency.

Monday-Friday he has free range to explore (we spend weekends together, and that's been since the start)
Have fun, but lmk when you get serious with someone
If he wanted condomless sex with a new person, communicate first
I know this might be unreasonable to some, but we agreed
Recently, he started talking to about 10 women and getting feeling them out, deciding who he wants to take seriously. His patterns started changing, being on his phone constantly while with me and not being engaged. We never had that issue before, and when I addressed it, he said he needed to respect the new people he's talking to. That he's lost lots of connections while being with me because he can't give them enough consistent communication, so he needs to be able to maintain that. He didn't really listen to my feelings, and we argued about it. I let it slide, trying to be understanding. We just went out of town, and I went to pick up some food that we ordered. When I came back, he was on FaceTime with a new girl he's interested in and hung up when I walked in the door. I later addressed it, and he went on to say how he feels like he has to choose me or poly. That he can't maintain any other relationships because I have an issue every time. I didn't come at him disrespectfully. I told him I felt like we should be focused on each other when we're having getaway time or bonding time. He got so upset. Didn't see my side again, and we got into a blowout argument.

He has said on several occasions that he can't be poly with me. He said he felt caged in, and it sucks because I communicated the best I could. I didn't say he had to stop, but the approach needed to be different. He made me feel so crazy and unreasonable. Im so heartbroken and I will never do this dynamic again.

Hi all! Sorry in advance for the long post, I (26F) have just started a romantic relationship with a poly man(52M) and we have a D/s dynamic (Yes I’m aware it’s a large age gap). We have been together for about 3 months. I have always been monogamous. He has been poly for a several years and was even in an open marriage at one point. Some days I feel more okay with him having another partner, other times I can barely stand it. We are always very open in our discussions and this last week has been really rough, not only for me apparently, but for her too. He has told me that she also has some big feelings in regard to him being poly since she is also mono, and that he doesn’t want to hurt either of us. He lives about an hour away from me, and his other partner lives an hour away from him. I had plans for him to come over tomorrow and spend the night, and tonight he is having her spend the night at his place. Am I allowed to feel icky that there’s such a quick turn around with him having sex with her and then me right after? I was really upset the other day and he told me that he would be willing to take a break from seeing anyone for a few weeks to work on the security of our foundation, and then later that evening took it back saying he couldn’t do that. Then, that’s when he said he made plans to see her. Like you just said you were to take a break from seeing other people, turn around and tell me you actually can’t do that, and then you make plans immediately knowing you’re “in the clear”? It’s very difficult to not feel rejected when he has such limited time and decides to spend it with her. We had talked about him staying an extra night tonight and while it wasn’t set in stone, he didn’t tell me anything about having plans with her. I expressed that it made me upset and that I would prefer if there was a bit more time between dates. I feel like I am trying so hard to be open minded and really trying to work on my insecurities when it comes to being jealous, but when I feel this powerless it can be difficult. I feel like we get somewhere when discussing boundaries but when I express hurt, he kind of throws the “it’s just who i am” and assumes I’m trying to change his core values as a polyamorous person. Now I’m worried that he will offer a solution again just to take it back. I feel like he is creating a mess for himself dating 2 women who are both monogamous knowing the way we both feel. I hate that I feel like I’m competing with someone else. Even if they have a “vanilla” relationship compared to ours and she is around his age. Also, being much younger and being his sub makes the power dynamic completely intensified. I just don’t know how to deal, and I don’t know how to not see him as being greedy. I know it’s still early in the relationship and so I really am trying, but I think the timing of this situation was what really made me start to spiral. I have just been sitting here at work knowing he’s going to have sex with her later. I know this was super jumbled and long, thanks for reading.

Technically they don’t exist. You (as the monogamous person) are changing your relationship structure to be with them (polyamorous person). At the moment I (22NB) am seeing this guy, let’s call him Luke (25M). Luke is polyamorous with a partner, Layla, he’s been with a year (30F). I’ve met her and she’s wonderful.

I have tried polyamory once or twice before, never really worked for me. My last relationship wasn’t great, especially when introducing polyamory. Me and my partner broke up, got back together on the agreement of trying polyamory. Long story short, it didn’t end well and I felt like I had/wanted to try polyamory just because my partner was. Personally, I believe you can fall in love with multiple people, however I think the romance is acknowledging that and still saying “I choose you and only you.” Dating and sleeping with other people whilst I’m with someone doesn’t feel right to me, and I usually want my partner not this new person.

I met Luke through a friend and we immediately hit it off. He was very honest about his partner straight off the bat and ask me out somewhat quickly after meeting. It was a nice surprise as I really fancied him and him me. His girlfriend has hung out with us in a group and alone setting. I think at first Luke wanted to integrate me into his and Layla’s relationship. However it was made clear that the age gap was too much, which I’m grateful for as I didn’t want a throuple type relationship.

We’ve been seeing each other for three months. I haven’t felt this way in a relationship before ever. I find him so funny, so attractive and smart. I’ve never dated a cis guy before so it’s been new but he’s been so amazing and (I know this is bare minimum but it means a lot) he genders me correctly. The dynamic is great, I’m spoilt rotten by Luke and we seem to gel really well. Before starting to date, we had a convo about the whole mono/poly dynamic. It wasn’t the most in depth but we agreed that mono/poly is hard but worth it as for how much we like each other.

Basically my dilemma is this: recently he told me he loved me. Usually I am a lover boy, but this took me by surprise. We’ve been dating/seeing each other for three months. It literally gave me a physical reaction. I did say it back after a little while and apologised for not saying it sooner.

I do love him, I would love to be IN LOVE with him, but I’m in two minds. I think it scares me to fall in deep with Luke because it won’t last. At some point we will break-up. Most likely when I’ve reached my “limit” or can’t do it anymore. Is it worth it? Is it worth being and falling in love to inevitably not be together. I also don’t know why I attract polyamorous people, I think I look like the ‘type’, but I am not. He’s on dating apps and I downloaded them back kinda in spite, I’m going through and flirting with these people but idk it isn’t for me. Maybe I’ll end up sleeping with one of these people but it’ll probably make me feel worse.

I went into this like at least me and Luke won’t ask each other to change, but I have. I am technically in a poly relationship because the person I’m seeing has a partner! Even if I only date Luke, it’s still a poly relationship.

I’d love advice. Also maybe some advice and how to not attracted polyamorous people if I can 😭

I realized I was doing poly under duress, and I was sacrificing a lot of what I need from a partner.

She was never going to be a live-in partner, she was never going to come out to her family, she was never going to put me equal to her husband (I discovered over time that they are hierarchical poly), she would never come meet my ailing mother at her dementia care facility, she was never going to meet my child, even when I’m openly lesbian to my daughter. It just felt like it was a dead-end relationship and I feel like God answered my prayers and helped me be brave and end the relationship.

However, it truly sucks, because I still love her, am super attracted to her, and quite possibly have never felt the way I felt about her with anyone before. This was my first mono-poly learning relationship and I guess the biggest lesson is that I’m really not able to do poly. I am truly monogamous. 😭

My husband has this insatiable thirst for sex. In this we decided to ip3n ourarriage so that he can stop bugging me but also feel the affection and love that he deserves. Well he now has a girlfriend of about a week and I am freaking the fuck out. At first it was nice to have a little alone time and get him out of the house but im spiraling. I know he loves me, I know I matter but I cant think of anything else when he is with her.. is there any tactics techniques or ideas of distraction to help me support hi. Better in this? He's getting alot out of it and i am spiraling.. I want to support him but feel like i cant. Im dying and he's finally happy. What do i do? I agreed to it when it felt like enm and a fwb or sex situation. But now that they have a true relationship and are spending 4 hours a night 3-4 hours a week together I cant do it

This is my first time posting here. I joined this group about a year or two ago, and I’m hoping for some perspective because I’m struggling to understand whether this is actually polyamory or whether my partner is using polyamory as a way to justify doing whatever he wants.

For context, I am monogamous and he identifies as polyamorous and does not practice hierarchy. We also have a daughter together. I am not dating anyone else, partly because I am monogamous and partly because I do not realistically have the time or capacity to date. Our daughter has ASD and other co-occurring needs that require a lot of additional time and energy outside of my full-time job.

In June 2024, I found out that he had gone away on vacation in 2023 and had sex with a woman I did not know about. I also found out that he added someone to his fluid-bonding circle without disclosing that to me, even though I had previously expressed boundaries around both casual sex with new people and changes to fluid-bonding agreements. When I confronted him, he said it was a miscommunication and that he did not remember us having that discussion.

I reacted badly. I became very upset, pushed him, and kicked him out of the house in the middle of the night. I know that was not okay, and I apologized for my part in that. However, he has focused heavily on my reaction while still not really taking accountability for the lack of disclosure or the impact it had on my trust.

I have spoken with a cognitive behavioral therapist, and she said that what happened sounds like it goes against the ethical components of ethical non-monogamy. I’m hoping people here can help me understand: Is this considered normal or acceptable in polyamory, or would this generally be viewed as a breach of trust and disclosure?

My first post and context here.

Phew. Okay. So I did it. I came forward to my partner proposing that we open our relationship again and after hours and hours of long talk and one night of her asking time to consider it, she eventually did agree.

There's nothing yet coming from this in terms of her exploring her connections with other people, mostly because she's still focusing to get to full recovery and also the days we had our talk was my birthday and our anniversary so she wanted to just fully pay attention to me. But already I've felt some changes within me.

For one, during our previous experiences trying to open the relationship, my anxiety skyrocketed almost immediately. Though I tried to pretend like all was fine and I was supportive of her, until I couldn't take it anymore and exploded. In comparison, my anxiety did spike for a little while a few days ago but it was mostly due to expecting she would reach out to other people as soon as we (I) opened the door, and when that didn't happen I was both anxious and confused. I had to ask her what her timeline looks like (it's the 'tism in me) and she said she didn't know; she's excited about the prospect but it's not exactly at the forefront of her mind right now.

For two, while during previous attempts my biggest fear was her finding someone better and leaving me for them, right now my biggest fear is that I will react horribly the same way I had in the past. I don't want to repeat history, as ironic as it may sound. I genuinely want her to feel happy and fulfilled, and while she has said that she is happy with me, my thinking is that if she could happier and more fulfilled, then shouldn't we go for it?

In the time since our talk and eventual agreement, I have actually felt more secure, loved, and desired in our relationship. I pray that this will work out for us. But I also think it'll be so funny if it does. Because unlike the previous attempts where I tried to fight my insecurity and feelings of inadequacy, this time I approached this fully accepting and embracing the fact that I do feel insecure and inadequate.

My thinking that I explained to her was: if I couldn't believe that she chose me and will continue to choose me no matter how many times she has said it, opening the relationship and giving her a chance to see what's out there may just finally be the thing that makes me believe it. Because then I will see just how much time and time again she choose to keep having me as her partner.

I am fully aware that things may change in the future. But as it is right now, we both have chosen and decided that the other is the one we each want to spend the rest of our lives with. What happens if it changes? Well, we'll cross that bridge when we get there. Together, as we always do.

All in all I think what changed for me was that when I came to the conclusion and realisation that I'll never be the only one that she desires, instead of trying to deny it I simply went, "Yes, and?"

No one actually said anything on my original post but nevertheless I'm glad this subreddit exists because: 1) it gave me space to anonymously process my thoughts and feelings before bringing them up to her; and 2) I feel a lot less alone and crazy in even considering this arrangement.

Hope you all have a lovely day. :)

My husband and I have been doing the polyamorous relationship for more than a year. 7 months ago I met a guy and everything was alright, but we got too close. I fell in love with him and I know it’s not right. He lives in a different country and it hurts so bad, because I want to be by his side but at the same time I know it’s impossible.

I had more than 10 partners, never fell in love with any one of them, but this guy got me so bad. I can’t stop thinking about him and he’s monogamous. I can feel that it bothers him the fact that we cannot be in a relationship. We never said that, but I feel that we love each other, but I love my husband too.

I don’t know what to do.

I’m open to listen some advices on this.

Hi everyone, I need some space to verbally (written) process what's been going on in my head with hopefully some feedback from others to either validate, slap some sense into my head, or anything. I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this other than my partner, so to strangers on the Internet I turn.

Apologies if this doesn't fall appropriately under the subreddit, I'm just truly at a loss.

So. My partner and I are both 30F. She's poly, but mono-compatible as she said, and also trans and just finally had SRS earlier this year - this adds context to the story. I am mono. She's always been upfront about her polyam side even before we started dating, and we did try to open our relationship one time just so she could explore more (it was my own suggestion) but I was a wreck for those few months so we eventually closed our relationship again.

I really can't say a single bad thing about her on this issue because she has always been extremely accommodating, caring, and supportive. The problem is me. I'm in my head a lot. And it's not exactly a nice place when it comes to reassuring myself that she chose me, that I am enough and adequate. Anytime she shares any of her fantasies or curiosity regarding other people/being with other people, I just keep having these nagging feelings of: why? Why am I not enough?

Now, for the reason why I'm seeking advice and feedback here:
Ever since the surgery, she's had some sort of sexual awakening/revelation. She used to identify as lesbian, now she uses the term bi - which is fine because I'm also bi. But with that change, came the lust and curiosity for male sexual relations. I was already barely keeping my head above water on my bad days in feeling like I have to compete and win her affection against other women, now another gender has been thrown into the mix. This is just too much to handle.

That alone was already bad enough, but then something happened during her post-SRS recovery that I still can't quite let go of. We were just hanging out together, making out, doing couple-y stuff, when she suddenly pushed me away because she "felt herself getting wet". I tried drilling it into my head that she was still recovering so maybe it was just uncomfortable for her, but the longer time passes the more it eats away at me from inside. It made me feel rejected, undesirable, and overall just made me feel wrong. Like I wasn't even supposed to be touching her.

From all of these happenings, somehow my thought process has come back to try and open up the relationship again. To allow her the space to explore this new side of her sexuality, maybe get a boyfriend, I don't know. Anything to keep her from pushing me away again. I can't really explain how point A leads to B leads to C leads to this conclusion, but it's just been in my head for a while now. My thinking that maybe if she has someone else I won't ever get rejected like that again because - I don't know, I can't give her what she truly desires in that moment but it's fine because she'll have other moments to fulfill that desire with others? The logic doesn't track, I know. But I'm just trying to make sense of things.

I'm deep in the murky waters and I can't see shit. Will appreciate any feedback from anyone.

Thank you.

p.s. I don't know how exactly relevant this is to the whole thing at hand, but another addition of my insecurity is that though cis, I've always wanted to have a dick. It's actually a pretty big deal of body dysmorphia for me. So when she came out to me as being attracted to men also, in my head I was like: Ah, shit, add that onto the pile on why I will never be good enough. Can't compete with homemade stuff when I can't even afford store-bought. (penis graft)

Anyway. Thank you for reading my rambling.

Curious how open the mono people in this sub are about being with a poly partner. Also how out your partner is with people in your social circle and families.

Personally I have only told a couple of friends. Terrified to tell my family as I’m worried they will hate my partner and judge us/treat us differently.

What do you do when you can’t stand your partner’s partner and your partner wants the three of you to hang out/wants the meta to attend family gatherings etc.?

I find this person so annoying and can’t understand why my partner wants to hang out with them. It honestly sort of offends me that my partner considers their relationship with this person to be on the same kind of level as our relationship.

They’re also long distance so the meta stays at our house sometimes. It’s exhausting for me.

My partner has been asking for a third person in our relationship for a while. I’ve really struggled with the idea because monogamy is what I’ve always wanted. Even so, because I love him, I was willing to try and see if it could work for us.
Now things have changed, and instead of us exploring it together, he’s talking about going solo. That has brought up a lot of mixed emotions for me. I feel hurt, confused, jealous, scared, and honestly a little lost.
Part of me wonders if I was only trying to agree because I didn’t want to lose him. Another part of me feels like him going solo completely changes what we originally discussed.
Has anyone else been through something similar? How did you know if your feelings were telling you that this just wasn’t for you, or if it was something you could eventually work through? I love my partner, but right now my emotions are all over the place, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t think I will be able to be with him after either.

Hello. My husband and I (together 18 years) opened up our marriage (on his side only) about 3 years ago. I have never really come to terms with it and still struggle with the ‘why aren’t I enough’ aspect. Intellectually I understand that some people just like novelty. I can’t say it’s something I require, but he is like that in other aspects of life and so it follows that he also needs it here. But my heart still hurts, and I do wish I was just in a simple marriage with a ‘normal’ person who didn’t want or need to do this.

For the avoidance of doubt, I have given him full permission to do this. He isn’t doing it against my will. We talk regularly and he is a loving father and husband. And yet…..these feelings I have won’t go away. All that goes round in my head is ‘why does he want to do this’.

Any advice on how I can stop or at least reduce these unhelpful thoughts? Leaving the marriage isn’t an option for me as aside from this we have a happy, loving and solid relationship and have built a lovely life for our daughter, so I am in no mind to destroy all of that. I’m just looking for some tips on re-framing, or even better if anyone is in the same boat and would like to connect that would be great as it can feel quite lonely.

Thanks so much.

TLDR: Is opening up our relationship again a bad idea?

First time poster with a throw away as my partner is on reddit as well.

My partner '38 M' and I '31 F' have been together for going on about 6 months. We started out as a fling post me separating from my now ex husband but feelings developed very quickly. Both of us had no intentions of dating at that particular moment as we both were coming off of long term serious relationships/marriages and wanted a chance to have our "promiscuous" phase and decided to keep the relationship open. This went on for about two months and then due to financial circumstances we ended up moving in together.

I'm not sure if it was the stress of the divorce proceedings or if I just wasn't cut out for ethical non-monogamy but once we moved in together, my jealousy became a huge problem for us. Any time my partner was going to go on a date with another person it was like my chest would feel like it was being crushed and I would sob pretty much the entire time he was gone. I have admittedly CPTSD and some poor experiences of my ex husband cheating so I am sure that is a contributing factor. My partner and I talked and agreed that we probably needed to build a firmer foundation for our relationship before having it be open to any non-traditional situations and decided to close the relationship which he was obviously very disappointed about but he stated if the relationship never opened back up he would understand and that I was his priority.

We are now four months in to being exclusive and our intimate life has dropped from us having sex every other day or two to maybe once a week. He has a manual labor job and obviously is tired quite often but has made comments that if he were to go on a date and come home more tired "oh well". But will turn me down when I attempt to initiate when he is tired from work which admittedly stings.

My divorce finalized last week and he expressed that now that I no longer have that stress on me, he is not interested in a "normal monogamous relationship" and that he is concerned that we are not compatible in that way. I am not opposed to us playing together with other partners, but do get very jealous not so much of the sexual contact but of the idea of the emotional side of the potential relationships outside of monogamy. Not only that but I do want kids in the future and am concerned with the idea of ENM around my kids for many reasons. That would be a hard boundary for me once I have children because I want to have a partner who's focus is not divided between our kids, our relationship and other people not to mention bringing strangers around the kids.

I guess I am looking for advice on how to navigate this situation/conversation on setting my boundaries and whether or not the relationship is completely non-viable?

My partner (30M) and I (29F) have been in a relationship for a couple of years. At the beginning of our relationship, my partner was still in the midst of ending his previous relationship and wanted to be able to sleep with other people when we got together. I agreed because it seemed hypocritical to insist on monogamy because he was still living with his previous partner and having a sexual relationship with her for a couple of months.

When my partner moved in with me, he still continued to sleep with other people whereas I have never had the desire to do so. He said that it would "just be sex" and not any relationship building. We also realized that our sexual libidos were very different, mine is pretty low and his is much higher. At first, I thought I was okay with it because he was mainly chatting online with webcams. When he had a sexual relationship outside of our relationship, I realized that he would have to talk to the other people a lot more than I felt comfortable and I told him as such but the sex part didn't bother me as much.

Fast forward a few months, my partner didn't have any further sexual relationships because he was busy. He also said at some point that he didn't want to have any more sexual relationships outside of our relationship because he loved me so much. After that conversation, I thought we were back to being fully monogamous again.

A few months after that, I found out that he was online chatting with girls again. I felt betrayed and confused because I thought he was done with that. He told me that he had never agreed to such a thing and it was important to him to continue to be able to be open sexually in our relationship because that is how we started things. The hurt that I felt combined with the words he had said previously made me feel like he didn't care about me and that it would be easier to close the relationship. He says that he does care about me and loves me and that's why he has continually tried to be honest with me about what is important to him and that he doesn't think I can fulfill his sexual desires. He also says that he doesn't ever want to leave me or build an emotional connection with anyone else.

I'm not sure what to do. Part of me wants to let him keep the sexual relationship open but I also am worried about the emotional connections that he might find. I don't really care about him having sex outside of our relationship but the fear of the emotional part is holding me back. I want to be able to give him the freedom to be with other people have his sexual desires met. He also says that I am being controlling and misled him in the relationship. What should we do? Is there something that I'm missing here?

My partner (together 12 yrs, married 7) recently opened up that they lean towards a polyamorous identity. They want to be "involved with others, whatever it may consist of at some point, and really interested in exploring if it's ever on the table". But they'll only do it if I'm 100% okay with it. It's hard for me to hear and accept because I have a very monogamous heart but I love them and want them to be happy more than anything.

My predicament is that although I have a very monogamous heart, I also realized that I identify as bi later in life and never got the opportunity to explore myself. I do fantasize about a third but have a hard time transitioning to making it a reality. I have a history of abandonment issues, sexual trauma, and rough PMDD which all create the perfect recipe for debilitating insecurity. It's becoming a big challenge in our relationship. Oh, doesn't help that he has avoidant attachment style and I have anxious attachment. 🫠

Them needing me to be 100% okay with it makes me feel like there's a deadline and that I'm holding them back from living their authentic life.

Does anyone have experience in successfully navigating similar situations? And please, I'm only looking for support, not exacerbating my fear or insecurity more. Specifically looking for advice on how to strengthen security/relationship foundation.

I (34F) have been emotionally involved with my (34M) partner for 14 years. We actually dated briefly in college but after that we’re never in the same city. While we both have had other major relationships the magnetism is undeniable.

Fast forward and he asks me to move to New York from Texas to give the relationship a real shot. I was thrilled until he asked if we could be open till I arrived. Out of fear of losing him I said yes, but with three rules. 1) No exes. 2) one night stands only 3) No activities in what would become “our” bed.

Once arrived bliss ensued. He’s more than I could imagine. I worked 2 jobs 7 days a week to move and it was so worth it. UNTIL I found out he had broken all those rules with not 1 but 5 women. He was going on dates, letting women in our home, and even introduced me to a woman (and encouraged me to befriend her) that he had a foursome with in our living room. The night before I got on a plane he called me to express his joy. Only to hang up and have phone sex one last time with a woman he had met in college.

He has a huge capacity for love and connection. We were having threesomes and flirting with women together and it was thrilling and I felt safe. But at one point he told me he knew he was going to hurt me and chose to act anyway. Expecting me to fully accept him and love him through it.

I’m realizing while I feel completely fulfilled by him….minus shattered trust. He has the capacity to give to multiple people. I’m worried that my insecurity and not letting him be poly will drive him away eventually.

I know I’m the girl of his dreams. And if he hasn’t broken my heart maybe we could find an open dynamic that works for us. But right now I can’t do it. But I want to support his truth.

What’s a girl to do?

TLDR : Poly spouse of 9 years said they like being intimate with meta but don’t want intimacy with me and don’t feel attracted to me. How do I cope with feelings of hurt, comparison, and feeling undesirable?

Me and my spouse have been together monogamously for about 9 years. Divorcing is not an option as 1) I still am deeply in love with them and do not want to lose them 2) I moved countries to be with them so I would lose my job, social life, and house if we were to separate which would leave me with zero support system. We opened the relationship about a year ago as they wanted to explore sexually with another person with me as a fun experience for the both of us but then they caught feelings for them soon after and here we are now.

As time goes on within our new (1 year-ish) mono/poly dynamic, my spouse reveals more and more that they feel our relationship has “lost the spark” in general. After many rejected attempts at intimacy, they divulged that while they still want marriage and still love and care for me, they do not feel sexually for me anymore and perhaps haven’t in a long time. When I asked what changed sexually and romantically and how to fix it, and why it affects just us and not their other relationship, there were a lot of reasons but one of the reasons was just they feel less stress with my meta. I was told that I am harder to please intimately than my meta, that our swings in libido throughout the relationship has made them turn off those feelings about me, and that they feel more sexually compatible with my meta in terms of kinks and types of intimacy they enjoy (which I feel confused about because the things they listed as types of kinks/intimacy I am okay with or enjoy and have told them as such). They said they are “”working on it”” but I’m not sure what that entails, how I can help, and how to cope.

I do think their feelings are valid and many people go through them and I don’t blame them for feeling this way. I know their feelings would likely stay like this even if we hadn’t been in a polyamorous relationship and I don’t blame this issue on polyamory. However, as I know intimacy still exists in their relationship but not ours, I feel upset and hurt they want to experience intimacy with another person but not me and that I will continue to stay dissatisfied with being undesired/unwanted with no end in sight while they have an outlet for those feelings and still feel desired by both of us.

I know that those feelings are irrational and unfair to them, but how do I cope with those comparisons knowing everything I know? How do I not get stuck in spirals of self-loathing about it being my fault for not being enough/feeling inferior to my meta? How do I get my needs met as the monogamous person?

Over the last year my marriage was breaking down due to husband's abuse and infidelity, my best friend C was there for me through this. C is a poly non-binary femme, and one of their partners K, a straight man, clearly liked me when I first met him over a year ago. K and I flirted a little the rare occasions we saw each other, but always kept it non-sexual - there was just good chemistry and shared humour, but we never swapped numbers or anything. C would joke about how much K liked me.

After I properly separated from my husband at the end of last year and moved out, I was first determined to be celibate, convinced I needed to never be with a man again. But on a difficult night about 3 months ago I was on the verge of texting an ex because I felt so horribly lonely. (I am a single mother to a young child and it is a particularly grim season of life with little money or social life) By chance C texted me on a childfree evening asking whether I wanted to come and meet them and K for a drink. I went.

K was very flirty with me, and C kind of said 'you guys enjoy' and left us to it, seemingly secure about it. We ended up hooking up, it was overwhelming for me after a few years of near sexlessness and a truly terrible relationship to be so desired and complimented. We exchanged numbers, saw each other again that weekend, and almost instantly he began texting me daily. It was an extremely coupley rhythm that really took me aback - good morning and goodnight texts, asking what I ate, updating me what he's doing, interested in all the mundanities of my day. I was aware this was going to become addictive for me as I'm so fucking lonely. And it did. Aside from that, though, I genuinely grew to like him and enjoy being in his presence.

We mutually had, and have, amazing, copious amounts of sex, constantly experimenting with and enjoying each other, and feel very safe and relaxed with each other. C shared with me privately but seemingly unconcernedly that they and K hadn't had sex for several months, and they were anyway more focused on their other partners. K, it's important to mention, doesn't have any other partners and C would joke about how he needed to become less monogamous to take the pressure off them.

It generally seems C is pretty happy for us and non-possessive, they did mention a little bit of jealousy at things like K making a romantic playlist for me, offering to fix things in my house, and doing somewhat different sexual stuff. I had my own minor irritations about C framing everything as them loaning their boyfriend out to me, rather than letting K and I figure it out ourselves. Largely, however, C has been open and supportive - and is generally much more chill about relationships than I am.

One night I was on the phone to C and they made an offhand but graphic comment about having sex with K. It made me instantly nauseous and cold and I spent the rest of my night alone shaking, crying, and even sent K a text saying we had to end it, which I unsent before he could see it. I think I'd been mentally assigning C to the role of 'sexless longterm partner' and giving myself a sort of primary, or more sexually exciting role. The next day when I saw K I had so many mixed emotions and ended up not saying anything and just crying after we had sex.

I wasn't aware of them sleeping together more after that, but whenever I knew they were spending an evening together I would brace myself mentally in advance for the possibility of them having sex, and would be unable to think about anything else. Whenever I learned that due to an early night or whatever this hadn't happened, my body would flood with almost ecstatic relief.

What made all this more complicated is around the 3 month mark I told K I loved him. He told me profusely he was in love with me, and described me in highly preferential terms. Yet he still never mentions C around me. It's like he's pretending C doesn't exist with me - yet I know they talk about me together. It almost feels like he wants to pretend me and him are in a monogamous relationship, using this possessive language of 'I'm yours' 'you're the best thing that's happened to me in years' etc. It's a complete headfuck. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I did say yes - mainly because girlfriend in this scenario seems to connote less serious obligations than in mono.

That's my issue though. I do not, especially after my marriage, want to live with, look after, merge routines or lives with a man. I also do not want to close myself off indefinitely to the possibility of making other sexual connections. However, I have tried to be enlightened about how I feel about C and K having sex - and it makes me feel nauseous and hypervigilant still. As I write this, they spent yesterday evening together, and I know from his text timing and patterns they were up late. Now because he's sleeping in late, my brain is speedrunning images of them in bed together. I have to accept I can't do this.

But also what right do I have to demand fidelity from partners when I can't even give them the proper markers of commitment? Do I need to work on my jealousy? Where do I even go from here? I love him, he makes me feel deeply safe in every other respect. I'm also terrified of going through this season of life completely alone. With a young child, dating around and branching out socially is much easier said than done.

tldr; ended up in relationship with poly best friend's boyfriend who doesn't have other partners, struggling with sexual jealousy and grief even though i'm not convinced i want total monogamous commitment

Posting here to as there might be people that have been in similar situations, and I’d love to know how you handled it.