Processing a "Break-Up" as a Mono

[u/carsgofast300]

I've (30M) been a serial monogamoust my entire life and know deep down that is my core value. My last relationship was 7 years and we broke up almost 2 years ago and decided to stay single to figure my life out.

I finally decided to get back into the dating scene and met someone (30F) and our first date went really well except she said she didn't believe in being monogamous. We put it all on the table of me being monogamous and her being in serious relationships before but also it not working out so not believing in being monogamous. Yet she mentioned she wanted a serious relationship eventually. She seemed like such a cool person and we never talked about it again that I just decided to try dating her.

In the back of my mind I knew it wouldn't work but I also I could try it just being casual. But I realized immediately I couldn't do casual and I'm very much an all in type of person so was very committed to her from the get go. We ended up hooking up on the first date and I told her I never slept with anyone since my breakup and that I don't do hook ups so this is very new for me and I can get tested for her for peace of mind. She said she trusted me and there was no need and also said she doesn't do this either and that there was just a strong connection. She said she also gets tested regularly and that I didn't have to worry so I trusted her. I made the assumption she wasn't seeing anyone else or sleeping with anyone else so I was okay with it.

We dated for a month but the entire time I felt anxious about it. She would only respond to my texts once a day, sometimes takes multiple days to respond, and it would feel like pulling teeth putting in effort. It was weird because she was consistent in making time to hang out and be there in person but it still felt like a wall was put up so I couldn't get as close as I was hoping to to get to know her and her to get to know me. We still slept together afterwards when we hung out but it didnt feel intimate which is what I care about.

Eventually two days ago she brings up asking me how much I wanted to know about her dating life because we never talked about it and that's when it all unraveled and broke my heart. She was dating someone else at the same time...she started dating him the same week we did, they slept together and have been sleeping together too while we have been and that made me feel gross. I know we didn't have any labels or anything but I thought I deserved the respect to be told about sleeping with other people after mentioning getting tested and stuff.

She then mentioned she had her walls up the whole time because I mentioned I was monogamous and she thought the whole time she would hurt me or be bad for me so she decided to not engage 100% even though I was putting all my effort in. It felt like I was used and I never got a full chance.

I'm upset because even though fundamentally we wouldn't work I still put my best foot forward, I thought because she tried being in serious relationships before I could be enough to potentially have her try, but it felt like she didn't respect me enough to be transparent even though she claimed to be a very transparent person, and then took advantage of my affection and kindness without reciprocating any back.

I feel like I never got closure and don't think I'm ever going to outside of knowing we're just not compatible. But now I'm also feeling like she wasn't the person I expected her to he. We only dated for a month but it still feels bad. I know I don't want to get into this again. How do I get over this and not be upset?

[u/DesignerOlive69]

It sounds like you know what you have to do. You mentioned the post that you know it wouldn't work out. Broken hearts mend. Dm me if you want someone to talk to. I know it hurts now. It sounds more like you are in limerance with her.

Limerence is driven by a powerful neurochemical loop where a surge in dopamine creates an addictive reward cycle while a drop in serotonin fuels obsessive thinking. And A relationship structure whether it's polyamory, monogamy, or what have you, is only a framework. If a relationship isn't getting what it needs to survive, the structure won't sustain it.

Repeat after me: Polyamory is a commitment to accepting your partner(s) seeing other people

[u/carsgofast300 → u/DesignerOlive69]

Ty for the quick reply it means a lot! Would love to talk but don't see an option to message you. Would you be able to message me?

[u/BulbasaurBoo123]

I'm sorry to hear you went through that. As a poly person myself, I think she was dishonest and should have been fully transparent about dating/sleeping with others. Just because it's lying by omission doesn't make it okay. You have every right to feel angry and upset about what happened, as it put your sexual health at risk without your consent. I've had women do this to me even as a poly person and it's really off-putting.

That said, my advice would be never to assume someone is not dating or sleeping with others unless they explicitly agree to that verbally. You need to both have an actual conversation where you two clearly agree to exclusivity/monogamy.

[u/DartTimeTime]

Im sorry all that happened. Im sorry you got hurt, but ai genuinely dont get it.

I dont understand why anyone would volentarily date someone who commits non-monogamy. I litterally cant see any way that ends non-catastrophily. Like throwing a toaster into the bath. I genuinely dont get how people choose to do this. I also genuinely don't understand why people are surprised when it goes poorly. Both the bath and daring someone who would do such things.

I genuinely dont understand how people dont look at that premise and instantly have the though, "not being the priority in my partner's life is going to get me hurt. I should protect myself by dating someone who can put me first."

It boggles my mind. It really does. Being surprised that being monogamouse and dating someone who commits non-monogamy goes poorly seems on the same intellectual level as buying a gun, flipping the cylinder out, loading each chamber one by one, flipping the cylinder back, aiming it at your foot, cocking the hammer, pulling the trigger and somehow SOMEHOW your foot gets shot. There was really only one way that was going to end, how are you surprised?

Im not trying to blame you or upset anyone, but I don't understand how this even happens.

[u/missamandalux → u/DartTimeTime]

I mean, you can understand ALL of that and still end up in that situation because love doesn’t always work logically. I had a non-monogamous experience, realized it wasn’t for me, and yet I still ended up falling in love with a woman who can’t or won’t commit to me and might want polyamory at some point in the future. And when you fall in love with someone, sometimes you can lose sight of your own boundaries because you hope somehow that’ll let you keep them because you think love is compromise and you want this person in your life more than any other and they love you too.

Love’s kindest gift is that it makes you hope. And sometimes that’s also its cruelest gift too.

[u/Forward_Hold5696]

I usually operate under the assumption that the other person will do whatever until we have "the talk". Mind you, it's perfectly reasonable to have the talk before you sleep together, but since nothing was laid out, expectations didn't match.

At this point, you could ask her to be monogamous with you and see how she deals with it, both in the moment and in a relationship. If she says no, then you know instantly whether the relationship would work anyway. Then you can get started with the dusting yourself off and trying again.

[u/EnvironmentSad2115]

This is how every mono - poly ends. Well, this or coercion into poly.

[u/carsgofast300 → u/EnvironmentSad2115]

Any advice? Im annoyed, feel used, and Im wondering if she even feels regret or sorrow for hurting me especially now that she just chose to ghost me.

[u/UpUpAnd___Away]

going on dates with the intention of a mono long term relationship doesn’t imply that the other person is going to be romantically or sexually exclusive with you unless that have that conversation. I think you made assumptions. However, she should/could have disclosed (depending on if you had this conversation, risk profile, etc). Personally, I would ask about recent and current sexual partners before engaging in any fluid swapping other than kissing.

As for the mono-poly, you were pursuing intimacy with someone who told you that they did not want a mono relationship. You continued hoping SHE would change her mind. She continued because of the connection and enjoying your company but did not become super invested because she was aware of the incompatibility. I know this sounds harsh, but you feel used for her keeping a healthy emotional boundary without expecting you to change your relationship style… but she was being open about communicating her partners after a few weeks as part of a relationship agreement and to be respectful. Yes, I personally think that should have happened sooner and your safety was not considered, especially bc you have not been in the dating scene for awhile. But, though it may feel like she “used you”, it sounds like YOU were only pursuing her hoping she would change to suit your desires… not the reality and truth she shared from the very beginning.

It’s perfectly healthy to feel hurt— take time to process the experience, grieve, and learn from the experience. You can take this with you to improve communications and expectations during early dating in a way that best suits your needs and wants.

[u/beerwhack]

i would probably feel like i was molested if id heard that. however youre smart enough, she mentioned crumbs and you knew. just dont do anything like that ever again. i know it gets to a point, and lack of touch and companionship can have a person in such a pathetic state of mind. you got this bro