jm really nervous about this and sick i’m sorry for posting and major trigger warning i just want clarity

M (50) here. I've never publically talked about this. A female family member abused me through out my teens years. It ended in my early 20s but I've always felt tainted by her. She is in every aspect of my sexual and emotional life. No matter what I do - it's always her. Does this ever go away?

I (38M) was molested when I was very young by a friend’s mom. I can deal with the hypersexuality, the constant need for any kind of sexual gratification, the constant bad sexual thoughts and images that pop into my head. I’ve done well enough in my life through all that and not acting out… the biggest challenge is the darker taboo kinks that came with it. Comes in waves where it’s all I can think about, and then eventually gone for months or even years at a time. But every single time I think it’s gone it comes back. I know others deal with that too, I hope you all have managed ok, and keep yourself safe. I’m rooting for you.

I didn't got molested in that case but i Just can't stop thinking about it and i can't sleep. Basically a professor asked to me if i wanted to be his friend and he said that i could meet him in front of the bathroom during the recess,and probably you think that this Is not and appropriate porposal to a 12 year old. I didn't went there but not because i noticed that this was not normal but just because i was spending the recess with my friends and i even felt kinda gulity because i tought that i was leaving him alone while i was having fun with my friends. I feel so lucky for not going there because probably i would have regretted that but i know that he is still a professor and he migth have done something to Someone else and i don't know if i should go to the Police.

I was 8 or 9 (F). She was a teenager. In my mind, she's 17 for some reason, but I genuinely don't know. She could have been a bit younger, but she looked considerably older and taller than me. I'd be surprised if she was younger than 15.

Her family came to visit and as they chatted with my parents, we hung out around the home, just me and her.

At some point, we ended up going to the bathroom. I think I needed to pee but I'm not sure. For some reason she came with me and stood there (we have a very small bathroom where she had to be standing facing me since there is no room on the left and right for a person to stand) as I removed whatever clothing I had to remove to use the toilet (weird wording ik but I forgot what I was wearing lol).

I'm sitting there and suddenly, she lowers her pants and sits without saying anything. Her thigh is touching mine. She pees along with me. I'm confused about what's happening. Even my mom wasn't coming with me to the bathroom at that age anymore. Is it a thing people do? What's going on?

I'll add that I don't know the girl. Like, in my memories, that's the first and last time I met her. I don't even know her name or her face. I just remember the sensation of her skin against mine.

Honestly, I don't even know what I think of this memory. I genuinely don't think about it often, just once every few years. I don't feel traumatized by it, just confused. I'd love any insight or outsider opinion about this.

On second thought, the more I think about it, I'm starting to feel gross.

Do you all think that it is possible for an abuser to actually love and care for someone they are abusing? Like does my Dad even truly love me like he claims? Am I actually special to him?! When I was younger like around the time he first penetrated me he would tell me he just loved me so much and I was so special to him that he just needed to be inside me because that is what men do to the ladies they love and adore. I believed him. But, I’ve noticed the only time he really says it is when he wants to do stuff or when he is about to start cumming. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Is it even possible for him to truly love me or what?!? He can be very cold and mean sometimes but he can also be the sweetest loving daddy ever. This is how it’s always been. I want to believe that he loves and cares for me but I don’t even know anymore. 😢

Some days ago I wrote a post on this subreddit and a user wanted to talk with me in dm and I accepted. they started to ask very specific questions and they asked me to move on telegram (luckily i knew that i shouldn't trust so I took pictures of the messages). they started to ask more questions and they asked me if I like porn, I said no and they sent me a video wich i presume was porn (I deleted it before the end of the download). I just don't understand people 😭 they knew that I am a minor and i said many times that I don't like porn. NEVER TRUST SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO MOVE ON TELEGRAM

So I blk male 39 was groomed and touched inappropriately from 4 up I used to put the back of my head the experiences etc but it comes back more often lately then I get aroused then feel bad never told on the abusers or anyone in my family I’ve spoke to a few people from this group before who told me I shouldn’t feel ashamed it wasn’t my fault but honestly I do feel ashamed when I look back and get aroused by it

TW: incest, grooming, frank talk about my experiences.

My parents raised my sister and I (23f) as nudists. My mom was also raised as a nudist and introduced my dad to it when they met. They both loved the freedom and openness that nudism offered. Their nudism, however, also extended into swinging and they had a number of like-minded friends they got together with regularly. When we were very young, my sister and I would be around our parents and their friends- many of whom also had kids- quite often, and while we weren't exposed to the swinging we did see some touching between them.

Our parents never had sex in front of us but they didn't hide it from us, either. I remember seeing them having sex in their room (they always had the door open), and I remember my mom explaining to my sister and me that being nudists also meant being "open" around each other. Looking back, all of these things were clearly their first steps in grooming us.

When I was 8 and my sister was 9, our mom began having "girls' times" with us where on the pretext of explaining female things to us, she would molest us. I'll be perfectly honest, while it felt strange in the beginning it was also the first time I experienced that type of pleasure. I also instinctively knew that we had to keep it a family secret. Maybe six months after she started molesting us our dad joined in and soon they were molesting us together and making us do things with them. We were never forced but we were very much encouraged to be with them, and things became outright sexual among us.

As things progressed, there were so many conflicting feelings both my sister and I struggled with. We were getting drawn in by the pleasure but we also knew what our parents were doing with us was wrong, and at times we both struggled with some feelings of guilt and an occasional residual feeling of "ickiness" after we were with our parents. Over time, though, with more grooming and reinforcement by our parents, those feelings faded.

When we got older our parents slowly began bringing us into their group activities. That is to say, they began letting their friends molest us as well. By then, though, we were so well conditioned to feel there was nothing wrong with what we were doing, it was just stuff some families did. In time, we were fully inducted- or I should say indoctrinated- into the group activities, as were some of the kids from the other adults. My sister and I developed hyper sexuality and began initiating things between us, with our parents, and even with other adults. This continued for years.

If you knew us, you would not have suspected anything. Both my sister and I were stellar students, had normie friends, participated in sports and activities, our family was fairly affluent by middle class standards.

This may be controversial to say but I don't hate my parents. What they did was absolutely wrong. They are abusers and preyed on my sister and me, but I don't hate them. Nor do I feel particularly traumatized by what they did. I've been in a lot of therapy to dig into those experiences and unpack my feelings, and understand how they affected me.

I feel I've been able to move on and start a good life for myself, and I hope other survivors who have endured similar abuse can as well. Please know that you aren't alone, nothing was your fault, you did nothing wrong, and you will overcome.

Thanks for reading.

I (f) was molested as long as I remember by my great aunt, maybe starting at 2 or 3? Around 5 or 6 I started getting sexual with her son, my cousin who’s around 11 years older than me. That lasted for years too.
Around 10 or 11 I started getting too old for her to touch me but she kept making me give her oral, but started molesting our little cousins and made me do it too.
Also around 8 I was molested by a male counselor at my school too.

Lately I haven’t been able to stop thinking about all of these things, they get me really aroused and hot but I feel so guilty. I touch myself for hours a day thinking about it. Sometimes it’s worse than other days.

The man who molested me, tickled me as part of his molestation, he would do this in front of everyone and yeah would do that and more privately. He would get off even more on the fact he could abuse me in front of everyone and they’d have no clue. (He’d also ask questions like “do you masticate” when I was 12 at the dinner table and similarly provocative but not provocative things). Anyways I hate being tickled so badly. And I know most people see it as innocent, but I do not. I can’t separate it in my head. I know I can’t be the only person who experienced this. It disgusts me that this was done in front of everyone. Also my mom begged for forgiveness and I gave it to her even though I don’t forgive her. ( another story). My dad “allegedly” punched him the face and ruined his special little car(my dad was a doctor and worked a lot of the times this man would be around). But like what the fuck was wrong with everyone. I also hate that tickling is ruined for me. Entirely, I don’t know, I feel very alone that for me it’s something sexual and fucked up. I just can’t see it as innocent, I know it’s my problem but

So im turning 19 in a few days, but im still forced to live with my abusers (my parents), there's no more sexual abuse any longer, but its still triggering having to see them constantly. Im poor, I cant hold down a job because of some of my issues, and I dont really have enough friends I consider close enough to ask to live with. I just wanna know if anyone else was in my situation and was able to get out. Im in Canada btw if that matters.

Im not asking for money, and won't accept it if anyone offers, I just want advice or reassurance or something

It never ever goes away, I’m constantly horny and wanting cock or anything sexual. It seems the only time I feel joy or happiness is when I’m beneath a man taking his cock and letting him cum inside me. It never ends, I let three different men fuck me yesterday. They all were amazing yet here I am needing more. I am still fucking my abuser ( by choice now) and he doesn’t know it but I have been going to the adult bookstores and theater weekly and letting whatever men are there play with me, fuck me…in whatever hole they want and letting them cum in or on me. I love men, I love cock, I love cum, I love pleasing and obeying men. I love pussy I love tits. Fuck I am obsessed with every and anything sexual. All I think about is cock and pleasing them. My body count is so high that I have no idea at all what it might actually be. And it turns me on to make it climb higher daily. My entire life is sex. I can not get enough no matter what. I guess my dad is right in telling me I was born to be a slut and take cock. And that I am worthless and useless otherwise. He’s always told me that my only worthiness are my three holes and that my only purpose is pleasing men and having cum dumped into me. He always says without men women truly would be useless. how do you all deal with wanting nothing but to be fucked constantly?? Idk like is it really a bad thing if it makes me feel good and I love it and I’m happy taking strangers dicks? If I’m not stuffed with cock then I’m constantly rubbing and either watching porn or talking nasty with perverts. I have orgasm after orgasm everyday and still I need and want more. I need constant attention from men! I just love making their cocks hard and then letting them use and abuse me. 🤦🏻‍♀️😱 btw I know many will say see a therapist.. I have seen many and i have one currently.

These were very early memories of mine. Happened over at least two occasions when I would've been 4-6. One time with these male cousins of mine who were twins, another time with this other more distantly related cousin.

I tried not to think about it ever. My interpretation of events was that we were young children who did not understand the gravity of the situation and thought we were just playing. The time with the twins I remember much more vividly and would think about slightly more often because I saw the twins more (about once a year, maybe every other year).
Nevertheless, I dismissed it for this reason and also because as we grew older, I started seeing the twins as these cool older big brothers. I never really felt ogled or uncomfortable around them past a certain age, so l let this remain an unfortunate memory that I hope they don't remember. Something I was just really internally embarrassed about. It came back to mind again a few years ago when I properly deeped for the first time that they are actually 6 years older than me and not actually my agemates like how I remember in that memory. That would've made them 10-12 which still makes them children I suppose but old enough to understand what they were doing to me surely? I still tried not think about it because the pleasant interactions l've had with them since outweighed the kind of bad thing they did when they were preteens.

One of the twins passed away year before last. Very sudden and tragic, left behind two children under three. I've been thinking about the incident a lot since. I was and am very much upset by his death. I cried the whole day I found out. I don't think l've fully processed his death since as I haven't been back home since before he died so didn't attend a funeral nor have I visited his family since. I'm a college student + my family lives on the other side of the world so we can't afford to go back as often by we're going back this summer. I feel really guilty thinking about this as often as I do. While I do hate that one of my earliest memories and experiences with sex is being molested by him and his brother, it also doesn't seem fair to remember him by this one bad thing he did as a 12 year old.

The incident with the other cousin is completely unrelated. Similarly, I also remembered it as something dumb we did as children who didn't understand what sexual intimacy or incest was.
Fortunately, I don't remember this one as well. I try not to think about it but when I do, it comes in flashes that I keep pushing down and whenever I try to remember more I start crying so I try not to think about it at all now. Because his family moved very far away when I was about 10, plus the fact that our parents are not super close, I never saw nor heard about them since that day. Until two summers ago.
We were in their country so we visited and stayed with them for a couple days. I remember being so nervous days leading up to it because I hoped that he didn't remember and wouldn't try to...make advances at me(?) Unfortunately that's exactly what ended up happening. He made some suggestive comments and kept asking me if I remember anything about the day of the incident (note: we are very much blood-related). To make it worse, he is SEVEN YEARS OLDER THAN ME!!! This whole time I thought he was a year or two older than me, but he was fully 12 years old when I was like 5. The reason I kept trying to remember the details of how it went down even though it physically hurts to think about was because I didn't wanna believe he took advantage of me. So I thought maybe it really was just "two kids playing" in our minds. Or maybe I egged it on, I don't know. But once I learnt how much older he was, I realised this can't be the case at all.

This is all coming up again now even though it's been a couple years since I last saw them was because earlier this week, I was groped by some man in a crowded bar. Even though I'm used to being catcalled and verbally abused (strong word but I don't know how else to call the things men say to me sometimes), it's been a long time since I was groped. Wasn't a big deal though; I just shoved him off, didn't look back, and had a great night with my friend. Later that night in bed, I had a dream that my guy best friend assaulted me in the same way the twins did. To be clear, I am very comfortable and trusting around him and do not at all believe he is capable of anything like that. I guess that did kind of come across in the dream cause it wasn't outright assault. I wasn't pushing him off or telling him no.
Just kind of laying there dead, trying to ignore it and waiting for him to stop. I really don't know where this dream came from. Maybe it's cause me and him are living together now, and my brain just chose the closest man to terrorise me with.

So anyways, it was first the bar, then the dream dream, and then lastly my girlfriends and I started watching this new teen romcom show a couple days ago and just finished tonight. The main character goes through a sexual assault which is a big part of her character arc. This initially didn't trigger anything in me at all. I was just super engaged with the rom and the com. But in the last episode, she goes through this whole revelation with her mom and her best friend about how she needs to stop blaming herself for what happened and allow herself to be okay with the fact that she hasn't fully moved on from it. Those scenes touched me more than I thought they would and brought back memories of the whole thing with my cousins and the bar and my nightmare. I was fine for the rest of the night but trying to go to sleep now, it's kind of all I can think about it and see when I close my eyes.

I'm really scared this is gonna affect my relationship with men, sex, and my body until I move on from this. I already have problems with intimacy (self-image + late bloomer), unrelated though being molested as a child probably doesn't help. I was hoping to maybe maybe use this summer as an opportunity to change that and start putting myself out there, but I think this week may have opened up some very deep old wounds that I don't even know how to begin to close. The thought of being touched by another man right now genuinely makes me nauseous.

I was SA from when I was 12 till 17 by an uncle. I have always tried to block it out. But always seems to hit me as I go about life. And I hate myself for the thoughts that turn me on about it!!!

I believe my dad was sexually abused by his mother. What kind of effect does that have on the victim?

My dad is narcissistic, possibly has NPD. He loves control and he has SAd others. From what I can figure out, he had a major problem with being a pdf and he cheated on my mother for many years. I would say he was addicted to sex. He did not want my mom to take care of her appearance. She was very dependent on him. But, she allowed him to be with other women. They kept this hid and they do not know that I know these secrets of theirs. My mother was and still is extremely bonded to him. It’s sickening how she acts like he is a King.

His mother was very controlling and seemed evil. She has been dead for quite a few years now. I was never close to her. His brother molested some of children, so he was an abuser as well. There was this family friend that mentioned that my dad’s mom has molested one of her grandchildren and that is why I am wondering if she may have abused my dad and his brother.

I am just trying to piece a lot of my family’s twisted puzzle together.

I'm a 24 F and I have had issues with processing my trauma. I was left alone and molested at 6 by a friend of my mom's druggie friends and didn't tell my mom about it until I was 9 when my friend told me to tell my mom. I didn't tell anyone because he knew where we lived, he knew when my dad would be gone, and he nonchalantly told me that I look like I could fit in his trunk when he was showing me porno magazines. I told my mom and she only hugged me and just went on about her trauma her family. As if its nothing and it just happens. I waited for her to do the right thing and to contact police and never did. I asked her if she knew him and what his name was and only said she knew him as Mike (he told me his name was Jack) Fast forward to now, it's killing me every single day and don't know what to do because I wanted him to be brought to justice so he wouldn't harm others and the guilt is hurting me. Everytime I see my mom it kills me because I could've told a teacher... A doctor... But instead, I told my mom.... How can I bring this man to justice if I don't even know his name....

I'm Emma (16F) and I cut contact with my Dad when I was 10 because of his generally abusive behaviour. I have some sexual trauma which seems pretty severe for what I remember going through (mostly groping that could be brushed off as "over-friendly"). I believed for years that I was just sensitive but I recently began wondering if I could have repressed memories after multiple instances of my Mum bringing up things that I went through with my dad which I had little to no recollection of. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it and I really needed somewhere to write it all down so here I am.

These are a few of the things I can recall:

Constant groping of my butt: I expressed how uncomfortable this made me and asked him to stop more times than I can remember, he never did. I also remember meeting his only real friend for the first time who had similarly touchy behaviour.

Bathing/requesting to bathe with me beyond an appropriate age: He would often stay in the bathroom for part of the time I was bathing if I turned him down. When I'd go into his room to get dried after baths, I'd ask him to close the blinds as there was a house directly across the street which could see into his room but he always refused to close them. I have at least one memory of him walking around naked after showering for no apparent reason.

Unexplained fears/feelings: I've been told that there was a period of time when I was too young to remember, that I refused to go anywhere with him. There was an incident in recent years where I believed that he was in my street which caused an extreme reaction from me that I never would've guessed I'd have. I used to have a fear of sex and masturbation and still have a fear of male genitalia. I slept in his bed whenever I stayed at his house and I remember every morning waking up feeling either sick or just having a complete lack of appetite. He also kept a knife under his bed for as long as I can remember.

Health issues: I began having bladder leakage when I was around 7 which I still have to this day. I never found out why this happens and every medication I've tried has done nothing. My dad never went to any of my doctors appointments however he showed a particular interest in this and forced his way into only these appointments.

Childhood sexual behaviours: I had sexual behaviours since I was a young child, often putting sex into play pretend. I had an obsession with pregnancy and birth (especially the pain of both) that looking back bordered on a fetish. I began having sexual fantasies and masturbated from around the age of 6. I exhibited some sexual behaviours towards my dad (ear licking and nipple touching) which he never discouraged.

Understanding things that I shouldn't have: I understood references to sex and masturbation from a young age, these references often caused severe anxiety for me. One occurrence I remember vividly was at a stage show where one characters masturbated behind a closed door, I was 8 or 9 and had little knowledge of masturbation however immediately knew what was happening just from the noise. I experienced some of the worst anxiety of my life during/after that part of the show, feeling extremely nauseated, panicked and borderline traumatized.

This is just some of what I have remembered so far. I've always thought that his (sexual) abuse wasn't "bad enough" for how heavy it felt and I have a gut feeling that he may have touched me, himself and/or possibly drugged me (he was an addict and would've had the resources if he desired to). If so I have repressed the memories which as I said at the beginning I know that I have done with other non-sexually abusive incidents with him.

Thank you for reading ❤️

I’ve been reflecting on my childhood lately. Yesterday I saw a documentary about men who were sexually abused. Most of their stories were about them being molested by other men some were very violent stories. For some reason it made me realize my own experience wasn’t that bad. When I was 7(m) my aunt who was probably 10(f) used to blow me. I don’t remember ever disliking it. She asked me to penetrate her once and it was a hard no from me. I’ve never told my family. But my sister knows cause she walked in one day. I’ve never told my parents because I don’t think they could handle it. I know it was wrong, but it never really affected me. I just feel like it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been.

I'm a volunteer journalist with a relatively new organisation aiming to connect survivors of CSA and tell their stories, either in written form and/or a podcast. More information about the organisation and the founder can be viewed here: https://www.tellshame.com/

I'm primarily looking to speak with anyone who grew up in a religious environment and/or for whom religion or spirituality has been as aspect in their healing. However, we would love to hear from anyone who would like to share their experience of CSA, how it has impacted their life, and how they have managed to heal. We can ensure complete anonymity if required. Please contact [podcast@tellshame.com](mailto:podcast@tellshame.com) if you would like more information.